Moonshine Wizard

by Phillip Drayer Duncan

  “That’s real sweet,” Bert replied. “I guess you all have something to be thankful for on Turkey Day.”

  Ignoring him, Nero continued, “An offer was made. If we recover this item, then the people it belongs to will help protect us. They’ve sworn to give us a permanent sanctuary. That’s why it’s so important. That’s why if you’re successful, I’d like to extend you the offer of joining us.”

  “And I’m guessing if I don’t succeed you’re still planning on killing me?”

  “With extreme prejudice, Waylon Drake.” His voice was devoid of emotion. “And don’t think for a moment we won’t. Don’t think your old friend will sway me. Simon, along with the others, has sworn his allegiance to our family. If I gave the order, Simon would kill you without hesitation.”

  Bert grinned at Simon. “Well, it’s nice to know where we all stand.”

  “Consider what I’ve said. I’d like for you to join us. We can offer you freedom from the Hand of Magic.”

  “Consider going straight to Hell,” Bert replied. “What I really want is freedom from your presence.”

  “Bert,” Simon said, stepping in front of him. “Think about it. It’s what we always talked about. The Hand doesn’t control us. We’re free to practice magic. You could be free.”

  “So, are we done here?” Bert asked. “Can’t work on your little project when you guys keep bugging me.”

  “Of course,” Nero said. “But Simon will be checking in on you.”

  Without another word, Bert turned and stomped back into the forest with Simon’s eyes burning a hole in his back the whole way.

  ***

  Bert strolled back to the house and found Kevin, Jim, and Neil waiting outside.

  “Who was it?” Kevin asked, concern painted across his features.

  Bert shrugged. He didn’t know what to say. Certainly he couldn’t tell them the truth. Consequences aside, even then, as mad as he was at Simon, he didn’t want to tarnish his image among their group of friends. Worse, they’d have lots of questions, and he couldn’t risk letting them know what was going on. Chances were good that he was going to end up dead. There was no point in getting them killed with him. And what if Simon was the one to do it? What if their old friend was the one who killed him? What would they think?

  Instead, he asked, “Did you all quit your jobs or something? You’ve been here every night.”

  “We took a few days off,” Neil said, taking a drag from his cigarette. He sat on the ground, his back against the porch, looking half asleep like the caterpillar from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

  “Why’d you do that?” Bert asked.

  “Really?” Jim asked, taking off his glasses and cleaning the lenses on his shirt. “You haven’t noticed anything strange? Something that might stand out a bit to us wizardly types?”

  Shit, Bert thought, they’d sensed it. He tried to seem nonchalant. “Right, the weird Autumn Woe thing.”

  “Yeah, that,” Kevin said, running fingers through his long hair. “Any idea what’s going on?”

  He’d changed the subject once. He just needed to do it again. “This works out, actually. I could use your help if you guys are willing to come play wizard tomorrow. Hunter has joined the realm of the supernatural, and somehow I’ve ended up being the one who gets to explain the rules to him.”

  Surprised looks crossed each of their faces.

  “Hunter?” Jim repeated. “Really? What happened?”

  Bert gave them a quick rundown. They were as surprised as he’d been. When he finished the recap he said, “I’m going to take him to the Underbelly tomorrow. You guys want to come?”

  Each nodded in turn, but he could see the apprehension on their faces. And for good reason. The Autumn Woe would have any sane wizard nervous, but their curiosity got the better of them.

  “Well, since that’s settled, you guys might as well hang out for a while.”

  “Wait,” Neil said, holding up a hand. “You still didn’t answer the first question. Who tripped your wards?”

  He gave them another casual shrug, but on the inside, he hated himself for the lie he was about to tell. “Not sure. I walked out there but didn’t see anyone.”

  Kevin and Jim seemed to accept his answer, but Neil was skeptical. He was always skeptical. But instead of arguing the point, he said, “Sure, I can hang for a while longer.”

  “I’m not in a hurry either,” Jim said. “Unless you’re out of beer. Then I’m going home.”

  Kevin shook his head. “I picked up a few cases for tomorrow anyway.”

  “What’s tomorrow?” Bert asked.

  “If you came home at a decent hour you’d know,” Neil said mockingly. “We’re having a barbecue tomorrow.”

  “Cool,” he said. If he was about to die, then it’d be nice to spend a little more time with his friends before he did. It was a glum outlook, but given his current circumstances, it was fair. They’d grown further apart these past few years. The truth was he missed them.

  Together, they stampeded into the house and headed for the kitchen. Lilith, Jim’s girlfriend, and Neil’s wife were sitting around the table visiting. He offered them a wave and started pulling beers out of the fridge.

  Behind him Kevin said, “Let’s start a fire.”

  “Yes,” Jim said, taking his girlfriend’s hand. “Hell’s yes.”

  As quick as they entered the kitchen, the herd was gone, leaving only Bert and Lilith.

  “A fire, eh?” she asked, grinning at him.

  “That’s how us hillbillies do it,” he said confidently, but her smile made him weak in the knees.

  “It is a little chilly outside,” she said. “What if the fire isn’t enough? Are you going to keep me warm?”

  His fears of death and dark magic melted away, replaced with another anxiety, but he forced himself to say, “Of course.”

  Chapter 24

  Bert woke to sunlight peeking in from the blinds and commotion outside of his room. Either the cops were raiding his house or his friends had already arrived. Great, he thought, no chance of sleeping in. He groaned and sat up, noticing a rather shapely tanned leg poking out from under the sheets. Lilith. She was still asleep but the sheet had ridden all the way up, revealing a thin strip of lace around the curve of her hip.

  Nothing had happened between them, but he hadn’t realize that she’d been sleeping beside him in nothing but her panties. He felt the blood drain from his head and relocate to, well, his other head.

  He wasn’t sure what to do. He needed to get up, but if he moved, she’d likely wake, and find him, sitting there, at half mass.

  She stirred beside him and yawned, then slowly dragged herself to a sitting position as well. As the sheets fell back he realized she was wearing a thin tank top, her nipples outlined by the thin fabric. And then he was at full mass and trying desperately not to ogle as she smiled at him.

  “Good morning, Bert,” she said.

  “Good morning, Lilith,” he replied, perhaps a little too stiffly. That seemed to be a theme this morning.

  She met his gaze and their eyes locked, freezing time.

  She inched closer to him and said, “Is it always this cold in your room?”

  “Sorry. I don’t really use the heater a lot. I like to bury myself under a pile of blankets.”

  “Oh,” she said and moved closer, reaching across his body. “Well keep me warm—” Her arm bumped his lap and her eyes widened in surprise. She jerked back, “Uh, sorry.”

  “Uh, no,” he said, unable to look at her. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who should apologize.”

  She moved away and swung her legs over the bed. “I’ll just get up and start getting ready.”

  As she stood the sheets fell away completely, and he realized the thin lace he’d seen was nothing more than a thong, and he was staring at her bare butt. If the situation in his pants escalated any further, he was pretty sure it’d shoot through the ceiling like a rocket. Well, an average-size
d rocket, anyway.

  It was fortunate that she had her back to him because there was no hiding the ogling. She glanced around the floor, finding her jeans, and bending to pick them up.

  An audible gasp escaped his lips.

  Still bent over, her head whipped back in his direction. “What? Oh…”

  Her face reddened as she realized what she’d done, and she spun around to face him, which only gave him as pleasing a view of the front.

  She was perfect. The most beautiful creature in all of creation. And he was Bert. Definitely not the most beautiful creature in any scenario. And if he didn’t slow his heartbeat down he might keel over. But good God, he didn’t want the moment to pass.

  “Sorry,” she said, sliding into her jeans. “I didn’t mean to…you know.”

  “I’m not complaining,” he replied, trying to force a not-creepy smile.

  She stared at him awkwardly.

  He stared back lamely, finally coming up with the courage to say, “You’re beautiful.”

  She smiled. “Bert... Thank you... I don’t know what to say.”

  “I don’t either.”

  A few more tense seconds passed, then they both started giggling.

  Still laughing, he said, “Um... So sorry about the whole...”

  “From what I could tell,” she said, throwing on a sweater. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  She winked at him and walked out the door.

  He stared at the closed door, unsure what to think. Did he just miss another opportunity? She hadn’t seemed completely repulsed when she bumped into his man bits. Was it possible she had feelings for him? Was it possible that she’d intentionally showed off her cash and prizes to arouse him? Why was this so hard to figure out?

  “Well, that was awkward,” Sharp said from where he sat veiled in the corner. “You’re smooth as sandpaper.”

  “Oh, shut up. What do you know?”

  “I know that bumping an unsuspecting lady with your morning wood mansicle isn’t the proper way to make her swoon,” he replied. “Also, I know she has an amazing ass. I hope you locked it into your memory, because that was as close as you’re ever going to get to it.”

  Bert glared at the sword, groaned, and got out of bed, preparing to start his day.

  When he exited the shower sometime later, his friends were sitting in the kitchen, all ready to go, including Hunter. They’d cleverly convinced the ladies to take Lilith for a girl’s day. Jim had sold the idea by stating the guys needed some bromance time. None of the ladies would tarnish their dignity with a rebuttal. That settled, Bert was still lagging behind and decided to ride separate. It’d be good for Hunter to get their perspectives on the supernatural anyway.

  ***

  As he headed toward Eureka Springs again, he decided he should probably report in with Uncle Tony. He’d want to know about the new developments, and frankly, Bert wanted his guidance. But when he tried to call out to his old mentor, he received no reply.

  He waited for a few minutes and tried again. No response. That wasn’t completely out of the ordinary. Sometimes he wasn’t quick to respond, but with everything going on, Bert though he’d might make it a priority.

  Bert cursed. He needed Uncle Tony’s wisdom now more than ever. Feeling the pang of desperation, Bert called out once more and said, “Uncle, if you can hear me, things have escalated since we last spoke. I need to talk to you as soon as possible.”

  Slow to respond sometimes, yes, but Uncle Tony never completely ignored him. Fearing the worst, Bert gripped the steering wheel and drove on, trying to clear his mind.

  Chapter 25

  They met back up at a small cafe in downtown Eureka Springs. As soon as Bert arrived they paid their tab and made their way down the street on foot.

  Hunter stepped alongside Bert and said, “So, these guys said you killed some dark wizard name Senechal?”

  Bert shrugged.

  “They said he was way more powerful than you, and you won’t tell anyone how you did it.”

  Bert paused and gave his friends a disapproving glare. “We’re supposed to be teaching Hunter about the supernatural world, not telling him stories about me.”

  “Senechal was part of the supernatural world,” Neil said innocently. “So, it’s a history lesson, technically.”

  “Was,” Jim repeated, giving Bert a feigned look of hurt. “And this jerk won’t tell us what happened.”

  In his usual, all business tone, Kevin chimed in. “Just tell us. You know they won’t shup up until you do.”

  “It’s just one of those things,” Bert said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Oh,” Neil said, mocking him. “The mysterious wizard man and his secrets.”

  Jim hummed the Twilight Zone theme song.

  “Come on, buddy,” Neil said, acting like a child. “Pwease tell us. We’re your fwiends. You can twust us.”

  “But what if some day you aren’t?” Bert said before he realized what he was saying.

  The whole group stopped in the street, all eyes on him. Hunter rubbed his head awkwardly. Jim fidgeted with his glasses. Neil tried to look amused. Kevin scowled and said, “Are you serious right now?”

  Bert tried to regain his composure. This thing with Simon was getting to him. But that was no excuse. The rest of his friends had never been anything but loyal. He had had no reason to doubt any of them.

  He smiled and said, “Of course I’m not serious. It was a joke.”

  “You aren’t good at those,” Neil said. The tension slipped away but Neil, never one to let something drop, said, “So, why won’t you tell us about Senechal?”

  “Because,” Bert said, grinning. “If I tell you then you won’t have anything to wonder about.”

  “You could tell the rest of us,” Kevin said. “We won’t tell Neil.”

  The conversation ceased as they approached an old building. It sat off a side street and a little away from the tourist eye. Bert glanced at Hunter and said, “This is one of the few entrances to the Underbelly.”

  Neil stepped forward, glancing around to make sure no one was watching, and slid open a large metal door. The inside was dimly lit from what little sunlight poked in. The group continued forward, turning a few random corners that must’ve seemed a maze to Hunter, then headed down some steps.

  As they walked down the steps, Bert said, “A large portion of the town slowly fell under ground over the course of the past couple hundred years. The town’s people just rebuilt back on top of what was once there. It’s fairly common knowledge to the town’s people.”

  Jim picked up where he stopped. “What isn’t common knowledge is that some of those old buildings slowly slid into a giant cavern underground. None of us are really sure exactly how it came to be, but basically there’s a small section of old Eureka Springs buried underground.”

  Neil stepped ahead and around a dark corner, where they found an old closet. Anyone randomly trespassing wouldn’t have likely noticed it. In the back, Neil opened a secret door which led to another dark hallway.

  Kevin took over as tour guide. “And what very few people know, is that this hidden cavern serves as a haven for some of the less fortunate in the supernatural community.”

  “Less fortunate?” Hunter cocked his head at them. “What do you mean?”

  “Mostly creatures whose physical appearance won’t allow them to join the normal world,” Kevin said. “They can’t go out and get a job, so they don’t have any money. The Hand of Magic doesn’t allow them to just stroll around top side.”

  “That sounds horrible,” Hunter replied.

  “Yeah, well, you’ll see,” Jim said. “It’s much worse than it sounds. Basically, these poor bastards have their own community down here. They’ve built a shanty town out of debris, trash, and whatever they can find. The Hand’s laws say they can’t live openly in the human world, but they don’t really do much to help them.”

  “That’s pretty messed up,” Hunter re
plied.

  “It’s not all bad news,” Neil said. “Some different groups try to help them out.”

  Bert added, “Yeah, remember Mack? Some of the vampires he helps end up here. So, he makes sure they get a steady supply of blood, but he also supplies food and some basic necessities for the entire community. I mean, it’s not a great place to live, but on the other hand, they could have it much worse.”

  As Bert finished talking they came to the end of the hallway. He stepped forward and put his hand on the knob of an old door. Glancing back at Hunter, he asked, “Are you ready for this?”

  Hunter looked at Bert, then around to the others. They were all grinning. “I guess.”

  Bert turned the handle and opened the door. Hunter’s jaw dropped as he took in the giant cavern.

  Neil slapped him on the back. “Pretty neat, right?”

  “It’s...beyond what I could have imagined. It’s so big.”

  Roughly the size of a professional football stadium, the Underbelly looked like a small town sitting at the bottom of a valley. Like a cross between a western town and something from Mad Max. A sea of forgotten buildings and handcrafted shacks, held together with rotten lumbers, scrap metal, and stone.

  Someone had been kind enough to proffer the Underbelly with some stadium lights which hung from the cavern ceiling, and a number of street lights. Below them, human forms milled about the dirty streets like ants.

  A set of concrete steps led them from the nose bleed seats down into the valley. As they made their descent, Hunter asked, “How’d they do all of this? It’s like a real town.”

  “As we understand it, people have been living down here for over a hundred years,” Bert said. “It’s a combined effort, I guess. The people who live here know how to make do with what they have, and occasionally, someone with the means pitches in to help them out.”