“You’re still lying,” I said.
“No, I’m not,” he said. “Because I disappointed you on the camping trip. There were no disappointments at the game.”
“You didn’t disappoint me,” I said.
“Yes I did.”
“I understand,” I said, even though part of me didn’t. “You’re looking out for me. Or trying to.”
“Something like that.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being my best friend.”
I liked that.
“And for not pushing me as hard as I know you want to push me.”
I knew what he meant. I needed to lay off. He was giving me everything he felt comfortable giving me for now. I was expecting too much. And I could wait three years to have it all, if that’s what it took.
Harper Clements was certainly worth waiting for.
Chapter 27
Harper’s words, Harper’s deeds, thoughts of Harper kept me happy for several weeks after he left. Too, I still had John, and a new school year brought new challenges. I had a life.
But gradually I began to miss being physically close to someone. Sex. I missed sex. I wanted the physical contact that I couldn’t get with John.
Matt had not been to my house on a Wednesday night since the beginning of summer when I told him to stop coming. I wasn’t sure how he would take it if I showed up at his door and told him I was ready to do it all again. But one Wednesday night I was feeling particularly desperate, and down the street I went.
I could hear music playing in his room when I knocked on his door, so when he didn’t answer right away I thought maybe he just hadn’t heard me. I knocked louder.
Then I heard the voices. Matt’s voice and someone else’s. A girl’s.
He had moved on. Matt was seventeen now. What did I expect?
I walked back home, not upset about the situation at all. Slightly disappointed maybe, but that was all. I still had my own body to fool around with. Sometimes I could show myself a good time.
Chapter 28
All it took was that compliment from Harper on my swimming to get me interested in getting better. Although it was the end of summer, the lake near town would still be warm enough to swim in for at least a month, maybe two. I bought a stop watch and asked John if we could start going out to the lake more often instead of the horse ranch or the dirt bike trails where we usually hung out. He was all for it, and he would time me as I swam from one point to another. I got faster every day, but speed wasn’t my biggest asset. I was best at endurance. I could swim long distances and for long periods of time. I thought maybe in college I’d talk to the swim coach about trying out as a distance swimmer.
I knew Harper would be pleased.
Chapter 29
John had made the same agreement with his parents that Matt made about skipping church on Wednesday nights, so on the first Wednesday after his sixteenth birthday, he asked me at school, “Your mom going to church tonight?”
“Of course.”
“I’ll come over as soon as everyone leaves. You could come to my house, but Matt will be there. At your house we’ll have it all to ourselves.”
“Good plan,” I said. I knew I had just done Matt a big favor as well, although he still would have to be careful with his girlfriends now, with John coming and going at the same time.
So Wednesday nights were transformed once more, from Wednesday nights alone to Wednesday nights with John. Sometimes I missed Wednesday nights with Matt, but I knew what I really missed wasn’t Matt but the sex. The only sex I got with Wednesday nights with John was listening to him talk about what he most recently had done with some girl. I didn’t mind anymore. Listening to that sexy boy talk dirty, watching him talk himself hard, was a world unto itself, a world no one but me got to experience on a regular basis because he had chosen me as his best friend.
Every time I was with him, I still felt special.
Chapter 30
Summer once more. I had always thought sixteen would be magical somehow. Not sure why. Instead, it turned to disappointment as soon as Harper told me he had military duties again and wouldn’t be spending his summer in Roe. He would be home once, for a week.
I figured if that was the case, I would probably only see him once, and I was right.
Nevertheless, our one time together was a memorable experience, and if my year of being sixteen had any magical moment, that was it.
When Harper showed up at my house to pick me up, he pulled up in the same truck he had been driving ever since we met. As I walked down our front steps, he stepped from the truck. He was wearing his military dress blues. I was speechless.
“You look awesome,” I managed.
“You’ve grown,” he replied.
“Yeah.”
“I thought you might like some of this.”
I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant, but I figured, “You were right” was probably the correct response, so that’s what I said.
We stared at each other, grinning. We did that a lot, I realized.
“Your mom’s watching,” he said, motioning behind me at our living room picture window. I guess he was afraid I might leap on him and kiss him or something.
I looked back and saw Mom wave.
“Come let her see you,” I said.
“Look at you!” she said when we walked through the door.
“Hello, ma’am,” Harper said, smiling.
“Impressive,” she said, still admiring the uniform, and the man inside it as well. Who could help it? “And where are you going that you need to be dressed up? Should Nathan change clothes?”
“No ma’am. I just thought he might like to see me in them. I’ll take him back over to my house now and change, then I guess we’ll go out riding on my bike or something. Nathan likes that.”
“Yes, he does that often with his friend John down the street.”
Awkward.
I got in the truck.
We stared at each other.
“Damn you look hot!” I couldn’t help saying.
Harper glanced back at our house.
“I better pull out of your driveway before we start kissing each other right in front of your mom.”
We drove away with me thinking about what he had just said. Kissing?
We went straight to West Mountain. Harper had brought a blanket. We walked down the usual trails, but didn’t stop at the clearing, instead taking another overgrown trail deep into the woods. We saw a few animals, squirrels and rabbits mostly, but also some birds I never saw around town, and a snake. I was not a fan of snakes, and Harper said he wasn’t either. We left it alone, and it left us alone.
“I’ve been swimming a lot,” I told him. “My friend John times me, and I’ve improved a lot since last year.”
“That’s good to hear. You should always try to perfect your strengths. Swimming is definitely one of your strengths.”
“I’m good at endurance and distance.”
“I could see that at Long Pool. Keep it up!”
Eventually we came to a secluded spot with a wonderful view, and Harper spread the blanket. He plopped down on it and motioned for me to join him.
“I thought you might enjoy taking this uniform off of me,” Harper said, grinning.
“I was hoping that’s what you meant back at the house.”
As before, I was limited to taking off his shirt. The pants stayed on. He let me remove his shoes and socks as well, so I had him before me with nothing on but his pants. What a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, heavenly, handsome, outrageously fine man lay in front of me.
“Come here,” he said.
He took my shirt off me, and it occurred to me that this was the first time he had ever taken any initiative with me. I liked it. I wanted him to go further, but I knew he would stop with the shirt, and he did.
“Whatever you’ve been doing, it’s working,” he said, looking critic
ally at my body. “Really nice tone. I especially like your abs.”
“Sit-ups mostly,” I said.
Harper continued staring at my body.
“You’re not a boy anymore.”
“Is that a good thing?” I asked. The way he said it, I wasn’t sure.
He seemed to come out of a trance, looked me in the eyes, and frowned.
“Of course it’s a good thing. Every year you look better, and you’ll look even better in two years when you’re fully grown. You’ve still got some inches to tack on.”
“I think I’m going to be just about as tall as you.”
“Yeah, I think you are. Probably almost exactly the same.”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
“When you were thirteen I said you were the epitome of cute. Now that you’re sixteen, I can tell you that you’re the epitome of sexy.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“That’s always been you, not me.”
“You’re sexy, Nathan. Trust me on that one.”
“But still no sex?”
“You know the answer.”
“I figured.”
I took the opportunity to give him a good look-over as well. Just amazing. Harper at twenty-one looked even better than Harper at twenty, or Harper at nineteen, or Harper at eighteen, or Harper at fifteen. It was like the entire world was laid out in front of me in the form of his body. All beauty, all truth, all art, all religion. Harper.
“But at sixteen, I think you’re ready for something I didn’t think you were ready for last summer,” Harper said.
“What?”
He moved his head close to mine, intoxicating me with his presence, said, “I missed you,” and then kissed me. It wasn’t like the kiss I had given him three years ago. It was a real, solid kiss. Our tongues touched. Our lips fondled each other. For me, fireworks all over again. Every time I was with this man I thought I was going to explode with joy.
When we came up for air, Harper said, “Definitely not like kissing a girl this time. That was a very masculine kiss.”
I didn’t know where to take that remark, so I let it go.
I couldn’t get enough of kissing him. His lips were heaven, his mouth was refuge, his tongue was lovely the way it played with my own tongue and felt its way inside my mouth. His breath was nice, too.
We did what we had done before in the tent. Or should I say I did what I always did. Harper just lay there, often with his eyes closed, but now he not only responded to my hugs, but kissing was allowed as well. He was fully involved in that, and I found that kissing made everything better. I always knew it would. It was like ketchup. It was also a first for me. Matt and I had never kissed.
As always, Harper did nothing to stop me from doing what I wanted to him, as long as it didn’t involve our genitals, and as usual, that was almost good enough for me. At one point, just before we left, while we were kissing, Harper put his hand on my stomach and left it there as we continued to kiss. It was the first time he had ever touched me. I actually shivered when he did it, but he left his hand in place through the shiver, and left it there long enough for me to remember forever exactly how it felt pressing lightly against my abdomen as my tongue enjoyed his mouth.
When I think back to being sixteen, it’s mostly a blur. But I remember Harper showing up in his dress blues, and I remember that first kiss. I remember him taking my shirt off of me and the thrill it gave me for him to finally make some move like that, and the even bigger thrill when he touched me for the first time, the first romantic touch. It was only my stomach, and he had done nothing but let his hand rest in place and apply a little pressure so that I could fully feel his hand upon me. But what joy that gave, being touched by God, I cannot even now comprehend. And I remember touching and kissing and licking his torso, insatiable, this time on a mountain top in broad daylight, knowing, finally, for sure, that he thought I was sexy.
I planned to be even sexier when I turned eighteen.
Chapter 31
The following year, Harper did not visit Roe for Christmas or during the summer. Again, he blamed his absence on his obligations to the Air Force, and all I could do was believe him and accept it. We still communicated with each other, but even that was happening less frequently than before.
I still had the feeling that as far as my relationship with Harper went, I was doing little more than waiting to turn eighteen. But increasingly I wondered what would happen then, if there was really any future in it. It seemed his life was the Air Force now. I began to think I might be a very secondary concern.
In the meantime, some unexpected things began to develop with John.
It began on the motorcycle. John, like Harper, for as long as I’ve known him, has ridden a bike. He wanted to teach me how to ride one. He wanted me to buy one. I had no money to buy one, and we don’t ask for or receive presents that expensive in my family. A new coat is about as expensive as it gets. Anyway, I didn’t want a bike. I didn’t even want to learn to ride one. I just wanted to sit behind John and wrap my arms around him as we made friction with the wind.
Wrapping my arms around him had been his idea.
John liked climbing hills on the dirt bike, and I would have fallen off the back or flipped us over if I didn’t lean forward and grip him pretty hard. I had put my fingers through his belt loops and thought that felt pretty sexy, but that wasn’t good enough for John. He had put my arms around him and made sure I locked them so I was holding him really tight.
I got a hard on, and at some point going up those hills, he probably knew that.
Going up hills became a part of our daily routine.
With this new permission to touch him, it was my idea to lift up his shirt and put my arms around his bare skin. I was in heaven. If we had fallen off a cliff and died, I wouldn’t have cared as long as I never had to let go of him.
I sometimes put my hands under his shirt even when we weren’t going up hills, just to touch his skin. He never tried to stop me. Never mentioned it either, just let me do it.
So it began on the motorcycle, but it didn’t end there.
Sometimes we would just lay on the grass somewhere away from people, maybe leaning on a tree or something, maybe just flat on the grass, and one day John sat up and took his shirt off. He said he was getting a tan then laughed about it. I don’t know why. But the laugh made me think he wasn’t serious about the tan, so I thought to myself, why would he be taking his shirt off? No girls around to admire his body. Only me.
“Come here,” he said.
I wasn’t that far away, but I knew what he meant. I scooted across the two feet of grass between us without getting up then lowered my head onto his stomach. I took a good look at it while I was down there. He had the most amazing body I could imagine, just like Harper’s, only younger, like mine. His belly button was the nicest I’ve ever seen, and below it was a line of little hairs, barely visible, leading into his jeans. I wanted to touch them, so I did. John either said nothing or talked about something else the whole time, like it wasn’t happening. His skin was so nice. I wanted to lick it but didn’t. I wanted to put my tongue in his navel, but didn’t. I wanted to kiss and generally worship his stomach. It was just too beautiful. But all I did was keep playing with the little hairs.
And playing with them.
John showed no signs of wanting to go, and I began to wonder how far he was willing to let me go. So I put the tip of a finger into his navel then slowly, slowly moved it down the line of hairs, and when I got to his jeans, I didn’t stop. My finger went under the elastic waistband, an inch, feeling his pubic hair, trying for two inches, then I felt John grab my hand. This was just like with Harper at Long Pool all over again, except that Harper had grabbed my hand sooner.
John’s face was next to mine, but he wasn’t upset, he was smiling. And flushed.
“Back on the bike,” he said.
I got on behind him, and as he took off, he grabbed m
y arms and wrapped them around him like we were climbing a hill…only we weren’t. The road was straight and without danger although he was going pretty fast. He took one of my hands and moved it from his stomach down his body, and I felt his underwear. Without me knowing it, when we got on the bike he had unbuttoned his jeans.
I felt what he wanted me to feel, what I wanted to feel, what I felt like he wanted me to feel because that’s what he knew I wanted to feel, first with my hand on top of his underwear, then under. John’s cock is enormous. I had always known this, but it didn’t factor. That had nothing to do with why I loved him.
He was hard, and he was the one who had unbuttoned his pants and put my hand there, so I knew he wanted me to do this. But that was all I did, touch. Then he stopped the bike, buttoned his pants, and said to me sideways, “You’ve got callouses.”
I knew he was smiling and wasn’t complaining. I just didn’t know exactly what he thought.
That night, at his house, we had sex for the first time. It was just a little hand job, and of course it was my hand, not his, but it was insanely incredible for me. As much as I had loved sex with his brother, it didn’t compare to having sex with John.
It was so different that I wasn’t sure how I could live without it now that I’d experienced it.
When it was over I wanted to say “I love you,” but I was afraid he didn’t want to hear it. We both knew it was true, but saying it might be going too far. Instead, I told him, “I love your body.” I knew he wouldn’t mind me saying that. As long as I kept it on the physical level and didn’t get emotional, I felt pretty safe in discussing it. To my surprise, he told me he liked mine better.
I went to sleep with a smile on my face, not just because of the sex, my first sex with someone I truly loved, but also the compliment.
Chapter 32
“Do me,” he whispered.
Not Matt.
Certainly not Harper.
John.
We had been having sex of one sort or another for a while now, but I’d never been given an invitation to actually make love to him, and he had never shown any desire to “do me” either. So the words came as a shock. As with Harper, John usually just lay there. And as with Harper, the only reason it was good for me was because I loved him so much. Loved that he was letting me touch him. Loved that he was letting me touch parts of his body you’d think a straight guy would never want another guy to touch. So his submissiveness made it good, and his body made it good, because even though it was a lot more for me than just the physical, the physical could not be discounted. Every moment I spent with John was a moment I spent with that body, and to be able some nights to touch it and worship it was enough. Even though it wasn’t great as sex, it was great as pleasure. But I never expected it to go much further, was always afraid of losing this part of him he had offered me. So I was totally unprepared when he suddenly, with two little words, not only gave me permission to go further, but actually commanded me to. Or pleaded. Whatever it was.
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