“Tower, we’re going down. This is PSA.”
And I’ve listened to audio of the NASA announcer when the Challenger exploded: “Obviously a major malfunction.” Or something like that. Something calm.
Chapter 42
One Sunday morning, I was drinking coffee, a habit I’d recently picked up, and flipping through the local paper, happy I didn’t have to get dressed for church now that I had stopped going. I would find myself another church eventually, maybe, but for now I was content to sleep in on Sunday mornings, especially since I was often up late Saturday nights with John.
Depending on how much time I had, sometimes I would only read the news, the sports, and the entertainment sections of the paper, but today I had plenty of time, and I was thumbing through it all, not skipping a page.
And that is how I came across, in a section of the paper that generally holds no interest for me, the news that Harper was engaged to be married. There was a photograph of the happy couple. Harper was beaming, handsome as always. The bride-to-be looked pretty and was beaming as well. They were a happy couple indeed. There was no denying that.
I remembered the last time I had seen Harper’s face in our local paper. Four and a half years ago now. The next day I had hopped on my bike to go find him.
There would be no hopping on a bicycle tomorrow.
Chapter 43
I was furious. I didn’t know what to do with myself. As it happened, something was biting John’s ass too. I didn’t know what it was and didn’t ask. There were so many horrible things going on lately that I had stopped asking. If someone wanted to tell me, I would listen, reluctantly. If they didn’t, fine by me.
John said he had a surprise for me and to tell my mom I’d be spending the night with him. Then he drove us to another town not too far away.
“I got us a motel room,” he said.
O-kay.
At first I was pleased, but what John had in mind for the night didn’t please me at all. He had sex in mind, all right, which is what I thought, but it wasn’t the nice kind of sex I wanted to have with my Beloved. He wanted it rough. He needed to be punished for something, I guessed.
I was so angry with the world just then that it wasn’t hard to give him what he wanted. I knew how. I think I scared him, I was so mad. He thought I was mad at him. And I was. I want to make love to you, you dumb ass, not punish you!
Mostly, though, I was so pissed off at Harper I didn’t know what to do.
John’s weird little plan at least got me through the first night of my fury.
Chapter 44
“When were you going to tell me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t know how.”
“So you were going to just stop seeing me and just leave me wondering?”
“Actually, this is kind of how I imagined it. You finding out somehow and confronting me.”
I waited five seconds before I said what I had to say:
“You’re a coward. You have no business in space.”
I ended the call.
Chapter 45
Harper tried to call me back three times. I didn’t pick up.
For an hour I thought about it. Had Harper ever told me he was gay? No. Actually, he had insinuated that he wasn’t. Had Harper ever promised a life with me? No. Those ideas were all just fantasies in my head. Harper wanted to be an astronaut. Had he led me on? No. It had always been me making the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth moves. Harper only acquiesced. Had he ever promised to actually have sex with me someday? Only if he was in town on my eighteenth birthday. When was he ever in town on my birthday? Answer: Never.
He had never promised me anything, had he? He had just been there for me to project on. He had loved me. I was sure of that. And he had been nice to me. Except for this. He should have told me.
Still, I found my anger subsiding. I wanted to talk to him after all. I called him back.
“Why?”
“The usual reason. Because I’m in love with her. Because I think she’s perfect for me.”
“What about me?”
It was a selfish, juvenile question, but I couldn’t help myself.
“I still love you, Nathan. I’ll always love you, even if you hate me for this. I will understand why you hate me, and I’ll still love you. I always have, believe it or not. The only difference is that you fell in love with me the first day you saw me, at the bowling alley, and I fell in love with you the second day we saw each other, when you showed up in Roe and it was obvious you had maintained a crush on me for three years. I can still remember how cute and vulnerable and clueless you looked. How could I not fall in love with you? But it was as a human being, not a sex object.”
“You asked me if I squeaked when I’m squeezed.”
“I remember. I wanted to squeeze you, but it wasn’t about sex. I never thought I was gay, and I never told you I was. I just thought I liked you and didn’t mind kissing you and didn’t mind letting you fool around with me if it made you happy. I liked it too, just not as much as you did. I could see that. I did all that for you because I love you.”
“I wanted a life with you.”
“I never saw that in the cards.”
“What did you think would happen to us?”
“I thought you’d grow out of it. I did.”
“When?”
“Two years ago. When I showed up in my uniform. I did that for you, of course; I was doing all these things for you. But I felt bad about it later. I felt I had disrespected the uniform. I felt I had disrespected me. After that, I didn’t want to do anything anymore.”
“We haven’t done anything since then, have we? Is that why you stayed away? I thought we were just waiting until I turned eighteen. You made me a promise.”
“I keep my promises.”
There was such a long silence that I was afraid we had been disconnected. I needed to say something so I’d know he was still there, but I wanted to say the right thing.
“Are you saying you’ll still have sex with me?”
“Once. I owe you that. But only once. I owe that to my future wife.”
“Thanks, but I don’t want to do it if it’s just you doing me a favor. If you’ve ‘grown out of it,’ as you say, I release you from your promise.”
“Your call. But I think I owe you that. I’ll do that for you. You can see what it’s like.”
I thought about it carefully before saying, “I know what it’s like.”
“I figured.”
“You did?”
“You’re a handsome young man and a horny young man, Nathan. I knew you were waiting on me, but I didn’t think you were going to be abstinent until you turned eighteen, even if I was.”
“What about you? You been seeing girls all this time?”
“No. Just recently. And we’re waiting until we’re married to have sex. Wedding night, I hope.”
“So you’re twenty-three and a virgin?”
“Yes.”
I had to let that sink in. Of course I’d always hoped he wasn’t seeing anyone in Colorado, but based on my own experience of people just making themselves available and based on how attractive he is, I always assumed he must be doing something, someone, sometime.
“Were you waiting for me?”
“No. Well, maybe at first. But like I told you, I grew out of that. I didn’t want to have sex with a guy, to tell you the truth. I didn’t mind messing around a little at first, but after that last time I became uncomfortable with it. I want us to still be friends. I just don’t want to fool around with you anymore. I’m not into that. And I’ll have a wife. I can’t be doing stuff behind her back.”
“But you said you’d keep your promise to me if I asked you to.”
“Yes. A promise is a promise. But I said once. Sometimes you can’t be completely right with everyone, so you have to figure out the best compromise. I made you that promise so long ago and kept you waiting for three years, so that’s a promise I’ve got to keep.
But if you noticed, my wedding date is after your birthday. I wouldn’t be cheating on my wife if we have sex. I’d just be cheating on my fiancée. I don’t like it, but I’d keep that promise to you.”
“But if you weren’t waiting on me, why were you waiting at all? You must have had opportunities.”
“Oh yes. You wouldn’t believe all the pressures I’ve had to have sex with someone. You pressured me too. It was just the way I was raised. I want to be as clean and pure as possible when I marry the woman I’m going to spend my life with. I think that’s one of the reasons I let things with you go as far as they did. If I let you mess with me a little and kept my mind on how much I liked you, I wouldn’t be as tempted to give in to some of the girls up here and do something even worse.
“Don’t say ‘worse.’ What we did wasn’t bad.”
“If you say so.”
“I say so.”
“Okay.”
Another silence.
“You really feel bad about letting me love you?”
“Not about letting you love me, no. But about letting you touch me, yes.”
“You never let me touch anything that would make it something sexual. You shouldn’t feel bad about anything we did.”
“If you say so.”
“I never knew you had such problems with it. You always seemed so relaxed about it, like you were enjoying it.”
“I was. At first.”
Another silence.
“You don’t have to keep your promise.”
“You said that. I owe you that much.”
“You said that too.”
Silence.
“For what it’s worth, if it means anything to you, I’m naming my first son after you. I’d like you to be his godfather. Assuming I have a son.”
It did mean something, actually.
It meant a lot.
I still loved Harper. I knew I always would. I wanted him to always be a part of my life, even if it meant constantly longing and aching for him every time I was around him. I could deal with it. I always had.
“Thank you. It means a lot to me.”
“You’ll always be my little buddy, no matter how old you get. Eighteen now! A man! I bet you’re even more handsome now.”
I wiped a tear from my eye.
“So when do I get to meet your future wife?”
“The week of the wedding.”
“Didn’t the announcement say the wedding is going to be in Colorado?”
“Yes. I’m flying you up. You’re going to be my best man.”
I was stunned.
“When did you decide that?”
“It’s what I wanted from the beginning. But first I had to break this news to you, and I didn’t know how to do that without breaking your heart. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to you for about four months now, ever since Lisa and I started getting serious. But I knew either I’d have to tell you eventually or you would find out. And I hoped that if you were still speaking to me after that, that you would be my best man. I’d really like you to be here, standing beside me when it happens.”
I was still hurting, but I decided to be a friend.
“Thanks, Harper. I’m honored.”
“So am I.”
I was wiping tears.
“I guess I should be going,” I said. “I’m supposed to go riding trails with John in a few minutes.”
“That’s the boy for you, Nathan. Not me.”
“Unfortunately, he’s straight too. I always thought you were my better possibility.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You gave me what you could.”
“And I’m still offering one thing more. That promise. You think about it. If you decide you want me to keep that promise, I will. As long as it’s before my wedding night.”
Why had he brought that up again? I’d twice given him an out.
“Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Bye, Nathan. Love you, man.”
“Love you too.”
Chapter 46
College acceptance letters began to arrive. Although acceptance sure beat rejection, I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. Each school had its appeal, or else I would not have applied, but each also meant a new life somewhere else. The one exception was the big state university down the road, in a large city with a lake outside of it that was a favorite swimming hole for John and me. The lake even had a nude beach and gay beach, and we had been to both. And yep, we had done the nude beach naked. That didn’t bother us at all. As I said at the beginning, I never have been much on wearing clothes, and John’s an exhibitionist by nature, so proud of that body of his, especially his monster cock. We both liked that lake, felt at peace there, and not necessarily at the two beaches I just mentioned. There were other beaches that were more our style.
That university was the first to accept me. This made sense. They were the easiest to get into.
Then the letter from Colorado came. I got in. I had applied to Colorado only because of Harper, and I hadn’t told John about it. It was the only school I applied to that was in another time zone. But Boulder is close enough to the Air Force Academy that I could see Harper pretty often, and it seemed like a cool place to live.
But now? Living near Harper didn’t hold quite the appeal it had when I applied.
Three more letters followed, all from good schools within an eight-hour drive of Weston, all from better schools than the one down the road. I had a decision to make.
I thought about my birthday, about John’s present. I thought about Harper’s promise and my three year wait. John had never promised me anything. He had just been there for me. He would never torture me with waiting. He was always in the present tense.
I eliminated Colorado then researched each of the other schools further. I had already researched them before I applied, but life was different now. Before, I wasn’t sure if my future was with Harper or with John or with neither. Now, I had to reassess with Harper’s engagement to consider, with my unexpected sex life with John to consider. I wanted John to live with me. Only the school down the road allowed freshmen to live off campus. That was the only place John and I could live together. The school also had the best swimming program of any school in the area by far. It actually was one of the best in the country. I wasn’t sure if I was good enough to make their squad, but if I was going to try out somewhere, it might as well be with the best.
On the night I had to decide, John came over to see where I was heading. He had sent out no applications himself, talking only about the community college in town, if he had the money. I knew he was clueless about his future.
“So what’s it going to be?” he asked. I noticed he was nervous. He said the names of the schools he knew about.
I told him my decision. He didn’t say anything.
“It’s the least expensive,” I told him. “And Mom is pleased that I’ll be close.”
John was still silent.
“They also have a good swim program. I’m going to see about trying out.”
I couldn’t tell what John was thinking, so I added, “And one more thing.”
“What?”
“It’s the only school where freshmen can live off campus.”
John remained silent. He had his head down.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he said.
“Yes I did.”
“You want me to live with you.”
“Yes. I won’t go at all if you refuse.”
“You can’t do that, Nathan. You have a great future.”
“Any future without you nearby doesn’t sound too great to me.”
“We’ll talk about it,” he said. “I’ve got to go.”
But before he left the room, he stopped and said with his back to me, “Thanks, Nathan. I really don’t know what to say. I love you, man.”
Then he was gone.
Chapter 47
I did get a birthday present from Harper, just a little late.
A card and a round-trip airline ticket to Denver. I looked at the dates. I would get there two days before the wedding.
On the card, Harper had written, “Happy belated birthday, Nathan! Eighteen! I can hardly believe it! Sorry I’m not there to wish you happy birthday in person. But I’m looking forward to seeing you for a couple of days before my wedding. I spared you the bachelor party. It will be all my Air Force buddies, and I just don’t think you would like it. I’ll make sure I don’t get drunk, because you arrive the next day, and I’m spending that day with you. Then the next day we have rehearsals and the rehearsal dinner. Then the last day you’re here, the wedding. Don’t worry about transportation to and from the airport. I’ve got it covered. I’ll be picking you up. Hope your birthday was a happy one. Harper. P.S. That promise I made still stands. Even though I wasn’t there to help celebrate your birthday, you deserve your present. The ticket is not your birthday present. You’re doing that for me. I still owe you.”
Chapter 48
Like hell the ticket wasn’t a present. I had never flown before.
I loved it.
I loved it so much that it totally took my mind off of how awkward seeing Harper again was going to be under the circumstances. And how excited I was to see him. I just looked at the clouds, from both sides now, and the geometric forms.
But the flight was over before I knew it, and I found myself rushing through the terminal toward baggage claim, anxious to see my friend.
He was wearing jeans and a muscle shirt. Damn him. I swooned just seeing him again.
Harper was smiling brightly and gave me a bear hug when I approached. I gave him one right back.
“Look at you!” he exclaimed. “Eighteen and handsome as hell. You must be knocking them dead in high school!”
Nathan's Story Page 9
