It was all good.
John, Matt, and I had picked Harper up at the airport together, and I had never had a minute alone with him, so I told John I would like to take him back to the airport myself if Matt didn’t mind.
John said, “Sure, no problem,” and got the keys from Matt.
“A married man,” Harper said to me in the car, smiling, but looking and sounding slightly defeated.
“You started it,” I replied.
“Yeah, I can’t deny it.”
Did I sense regret?
“Are you happy?” I asked.
“Somewhat. It’s what I was expected to do. It’s what I always expected I would do.”
“Is that all that matters? Following conventions?”
Harper sighed.
“Like you told me on the phone, I’m a coward.”
I thought about it, thinking it might be true. I was still thinking about it when he added, “It’s just that there’s this goal I’ve had since I was a kid.” He fidgeted in a way that was very unlike Harper. “How many gay astronauts can you name?”
“None.”
“Exactly.”
And I was still thinking about that when he added, “If I want to be an astronaut, I cannot be gay. I cannot be your boyfriend.”
Now I was just hurting for him.
“What I said on the phone, about you having no business in space--I didn’t mean it. You’re going to be a great astronaut.”
“Thanks. Anyway, too late for us now,” he said, again with that tone of resignation, defeat.
“Are you happy?” This was still Harper talking.
“Yeah, I am,” I said. “There have only been two people in my life that I wanted to spend my life with. John is one of them. So yeah, it worked out for me. But you could have had me; you know that. I shouldn’t say that, especially on my wedding day, but you know it’s true. You’ve always known it.”
“Yeah. I know. Trust me; I’ll always know. Anyway, you’ve got yourself a handsome guy.”
“Yeah. He is. It’s funny, I’ve always been attracted to older guys. He’s the only guy my own age who ever really turned me on, and he’s the one I end up with.”
“Yeah. That’s funny.” He didn’t sound amused.
“I guess it’s easier,” I offered.
“I guess so. And he doesn’t strike me as the astronaut type, so you didn’t have that to come between you. Anyway, he’s a lucky man to have you. He better be good to you or I’ll be down there to kick his ass. Although I’m sure you could take him down yourself.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. But it did get me thinking. For some reason I had always thought of both Harper and John as bigger and stronger than me, but it was no longer true. I was a fully-grown, muscular guy myself now.
The conversation didn’t get any better. We gave each other a warm hug at the airport, and I smelled one more time the intoxicating smell of Harper Clements up close, but there was no effort by either of us to kiss while we were alone together. I was glad of that. I had promised John, and even if Harper had not made such a promise to his wife, I knew him well enough to know that his moral code wouldn’t have allowed it. He would be a good husband and a good father because he wouldn’t be able to stand himself if he wasn’t. And I have to admit, I love that about him.
Chapter 57
Back at the hotel, John and I had a wedding night to remember. It was ever so clear to me now that he loved the sexual part of our relationship just as much as I did and always would.
After some ridiculously beautiful sex with that ridiculously sexy boy, I left him resting naked on the bed and went to take a shower. In the bathroom I messaged Harper, “Thanks for being here for me.”
“I love you, Nathan. Always will,” was his reply.
“Same here,” I answered. Then I enjoyed the feeling of the water on my naked body, remembering when Harper and I had showered together at the hotel in Denver two nights before he was married. I thought about calling John into the shower to join me, to have that experience with him. Then I thought, no, some other time. We’d had enough fun for one night.
Chapter 58
John and I found a place to live not far from campus, a garage apartment with a bit of private yard we don’t have to mow. It’s got a few trees in back, and under those trees is dirt, not grass. I’ll have to buy a hoe. Because on hot days, there’s nothing finer than to rake or hoe up some dirt in the shade, take your shirt off if you’re wearing one, and flop on the brown earth, feeling the coolness of it on your stomach. There’s something therapeutic about it that I can’t explain. There’s the wind in your face and the sun on your shoulders, and there’s freshly hoed earth right up against your abs.
I never have been much on wearing clothes.
Books by Luke Hartwell
Atom Heart John Beloved
Nathan’s Story
Locomotives in Winter
“Jimmy”
“Michael”
“Nothing Strikes Back”
“Toller”
“Two Baby Creek”
“Handsome Johnny”
Moloch (editor)
The Iron Heel (editor)
Lord of the World (editor)
The Sleeper Awakes (editor)
http://watergreen.wix.com/watersgreenhouse
Nathan's Story Page 11
