Where the Heart Takes You

by Virginia Wise

  Greta thought about Jacob’s guarded eyes. “I think that I understand him better now.” He must feel even more lost and alone than I do. She frowned. “He has been distant, but I thought . . .” She looked down. “I thought it was me.”

  Ruth shook her head. “No.”

  “He hides feelings well. He works hard and asks nothing from anyone.”

  “Oh yes, he does work hard. But I think that he uses work as an escape. If he keeps busy he does not have to think or feel.” She shrugged. “He is running from the past. But the only way to heal is to face the loss, then move forward into the future.” Ruth looked at Greta with a knowing expression, but said no more.

  Chapter Seven

  Jacob breezed into the Yoder cabin and saw an empty bench where Greta usually sat with her drop spindle.

  “Where is she?”

  “I could not keep her inside any longer.” Ruth shrugged and stoked the fire. “I guess she is well enough. But it would be better if she rested that ankle for another day or two.”

  Jacob grunted in agreement. “She’s gone to the creek?”

  “Ja.”

  “I will help her haul the buckets back.”

  Fall leaves crunched under Jacob’s boots as he strode across the clearing. He saw Greta emerge from the forest with her back bent under the weight of the yoke.

  A rabbit scampered over a log, shot past Greta, and fled into the forest that lined the clearing. Jacob smiled.

  “Do be careful, Greta. That rabbit looked dangerous.”

  Greta jumped. “Oh! I didn’t know you were there.” Water sloshed against her apron as she readjusted the heavy wooden yoke. The rabbit startled at the commotion and zigzagged away in a different direction. “Dangerous?”

  “Almost as dangerous as that possum that stalked you in the dark the night you almost knocked me over.” He shot her a wry look. “I feel certain that you remember.”

  She looked away and shifted the weight of the yoke.

  Jacob shook his head. “Hand over the buckets, Greta.”

  “I can manage.” She wanted to show Jacob that she was able to handle life in the backcountry—even if she did run in terror from a possum.

  “Are you sure? Because a mouse might run across your path. And then what would you do?”

  Greta laughed.

  He lifted the yoke from her shoulders. “I am glad to see that you are getting better.”

  “Ja. As am I.” She smiled. “Now I can chase Rose when she wanders into your yard again.” Jacob stared at her for a moment and Greta felt her stomach tighten. There I go, saying the wrong thing again. But Jacob’s serious expression gave way to a smile. She giggled and their eyes met. Greta felt a connection as their eyes lingered on each other for a moment. Then Jacob’s face fell back into seriousness. He cleared his throat and pulled his gaze away.

  Greta sensed that his grip on her arm loosened. He is fighting the connection that we both felt. She frowned. How do I reach this man? Ruth must be right—he is so busy running from his feelings that he cannot let anyone in. She tried to think of what to say as they trudged across the field side by side. The fact that he kept his hand on her arm made her feel awkward and content at the same time.

  They reached the cabin before Greta could come up with the right words. Next time I will think of something to say that will help him. She bit her lip and wished that she had a quicker tongue.

  The handsome widower pushed open the door and helped Greta to her bench. “Danke.” She stared up at him with a hopeful expression. He set down the water bucket and turned away.

  “Greta is back on her feet so I think we can manage on our own now, Jacob.” Ruth picked up the bucket and poured the water into the cauldron that hung over the fire. “But I do hope you will come again soon. Just for a visit.”

  Jacob smiled. “I will be back on the morrow.”

  Greta felt her stomach jump. She dared to grin at him again.

  “I need to mend your fence. The elders tell me that Rose breaks into your kitchen garden as well as mine. I cannot allow you two to go hungry, can I?”

  Greta thought she caught that familiar gleam in his eye. The look made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. But what if I am misreading him again? What if he is just doing his duty? Perhaps he is only helping us because the elders suggested it. Greta felt her face flush and she looked down.

  Greta did not look up again until she heard the door close. “I wish I knew what that man was thinking! Every time I think he might be interested I am filled with doubt.” She looked down. “And no wonder. I find myself falling short every day. Perhaps I should never have come.”

  “Nonsense. You are doing just fine. It takes time, is all. You will find your way.”

  Greta nodded and picked up her drop spindle.

  “But, speaking of Jacob—”

  “Oh, Ruth. I think that is enough about him.”

  Ruth put up her hand, undeterred. “He needs to realize that life is for living. And that der Herr still has a plan for him.”

  “Ja. ’Tis true.”

  “Good. So it is settled.”

  “Settled? What is settled?”

  “You will take lunch to him tomorrow while he repairs the fence. That will give you the opportunity to sit with him and talk. Get to know each other. I believe he will soon admit that he harbors an affection for you.”

  “Oh, Ruth, I do not know. I must not appear too bold for his attentions.”

  “Nonsense. Offering him a hot meal after he labors on our fence is perfectly reasonable.”

  Greta hesitated. She opened her mouth, then closed it and shook her head. “Very well.”

  Ruth beamed and nodded. “Good.”

  Greta did not respond. She wondered if he would greet her with his charming smile or with that aloof gaze that pushed everyone away.

  * * *

  Gold and red leaves shimmered along the tree line and whispered in the wind. Greta smiled and breathed in the cool, crisp autumn air while she strolled toward the split rail fence. She swung her basket of food and sang a tune from the Ausbund as she navigated the mud and wild grasses.

  Her song faltered and her stomach tightened when she caught sight of Jacob. The day is too beautiful to feel discouraged. There has been a spark growing between us, hasn’t there? Surely I am not the only one to feel it. True, she felt a small, nagging apprehension in the pit of her stomach, but that was easily pushed aside.

  Greta smiled and waved when Jacob noticed her. He nodded and turned his attention back to the fence. No matter. He is just busy. Greta raised her chin and forged across the clearing.

  She smoothed her skirts and straightened her neck cloth as she drew near.

  “Jacob!”

  Jacob nodded again but kept his eyes on the wooden post in front of him.

  “I have brought lunch.” She thrust the basket into his face.

  “You are enthusiastic today, Greta.” He gave a small half smile and pushed the basket away from his nose.

  She stared back at him and waited. Jacob slid a split rail into place. He pushed it into position and brushed his hands. “Would you like to dine with me, Greta?” He kept his eyes on the fence line as she gazed up at him.

  “Ja. Of course.” She blushed at her forwardness. “I mean, Ruth made two servings, one for each of us.” She swallowed. “I have been cooped up for so long. I thought it would do me good to be outside again. A little sunshine and fresh air . . .”

  “Hmmm.” Jacob picked up another split rail and hoisted it into position. He jostled the beam until it felt secure, then wiped his forehead with his handkerchief and surveyed the morning’s work. The repairs on the fence looked nearly finished. He nodded. “Wonderful good.”

  “Ja! Wonderful good. I knew you would agree. I brought . . .” Greta stopped. She clamped her mouth shut. Wait, was he saying that the fence looks wonderful good? I thought he meant dining with me would be wonderful good. Oh no. Greta cleared her throat. She could feel her cheek
s burning. “Ja. That looks like a good day’s work on the fence.” Her voice cracked. “Thank you for repairing it.”

  Jacob looked down at her with an expression she could not decipher. Is it confusion or amusement? Why do I care so much anyway?

  “What have we got there?” Jacob nodded toward the basket.

  She whipped a blanket off the top of the basket and shook it out. The wind caught the cloth and it flapped against the air. Greta struggled to smooth the blanket down, but the cloth fought her like a mischievous child.

  “Here, let me help you.” Jacob grabbed a corner and pulled the blanket taut between them. Greta smiled and lowered her corner toward the ground. But they both let go too soon and the blanket flew from their fingers, caught by the autumn wind like a kite.

  “Oh!” Greta dashed after the wayward cloth, but every time she drew near the wind whisked it away again, as if they were playing a game. “This is harder than chasing down a piglet!”

  Jacob followed behind and Greta cringed to think how ridiculous she looked as her prayer kappe flapped loose and her skirt whipped in the wind. But, when she glanced back, he was laughing. Laughing! She allowed herself to laugh too. She felt a wild revelry, like a schoolgirl just released from a long day hunched over a desk. They ran side by side, lunged for the blanket, and grinned. The wind died down for an instant and they both caught the cloth at the same time. Jacob’s warm fingers fumbled against hers. Greta felt a strange excitement at the touch and pulled her hand away. The moment of carefree joy gave way to awkward tension.

  Greta looked down and gathered the blanket. They walked back to the basket in silence as the fall leaves crunched beneath Jacob’s leather boots. Greta’s hand still burned from the touch of his warm fingers.

  Greta unpacked the picnic as Jacob spread out the blanket and weighed it down with his mallet and a split rail. Neither spoke. I did not expect to see him laugh. He can be so merry if he lets himself. She served Jacob a corn cake and tried hard to maintain a neutral expression. Greta could feel him watching her as she handed him the trencher. She wondered what he was thinking. His stare is so powerful. So full of hidden thoughts.

  “Tell me, Greta, how are you adjusting to the backcountry?”

  “Oh, just fine, I suppose. Ruth has been very kind.” She shrugged. “As have you. We could not have managed without your help.”

  “Your ankle no longer pains you?”

  “No. Thank you for asking.” She kept her eyes on her trencher. Is he just being polite, or does he really care? Truly, he has shown signs of affection.... Jacob looked out over the clearing as they chewed in silence.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  He frowned. “Nothing.”

  “You look as if you are pondering something.”

  Jacob’s frown deepened. “I was thinking that I am enjoying our picnic.”

  “Oh.” Greta felt her heart beat faster. She swallowed and tried to breathe evenly. “I . . . I was not sure. You do not look as though you are enjoying it.”

  “No?” He gave a small smile. “I suppose I have forgotten how.”

  Greta liked the warmth that came into his eyes when he smiled. She looked down and tried to calm her drumming heart. “Ja. I have heard that you have had a difficult trial this past year.”

  He shrugged and kept his eyes on the tree line. Greta sensed the shift in his mood and set down her trencher.

  “I am sorry, Jacob.”

  Jacob sighed. The hardness returned to his face. “As am I.”

  “The church elders say that you are much changed this year.”

  Jacob continued to stare into the distance. A tendon in the side of his neck twitched. He took a long time to gather his thoughts before he responded. “Why did you call on me today, Greta?”

  Greta wondered what happened to the man with the twinkle in his eye who had winked at her the day before. His expression had turned to stone.

  Her stomach tightened as she felt the conversation slip out of her control. “I just . . . I wanted to . . . Are you all right, Jacob? Truly?”

  “I am fine, Greta.”

  “You do not seem fine, Jacob.”

  He sighed. “Why do you say this? Why are you here, Greta?”

  Greta stared at Jacob’s eyes. They still gazed into the distance, as if she weren’t there. She wanted to reach out and run the back of her hand across his face and tell him everything would be all right. Her breath caught in her throat as she realized that her feelings for him had developed into something that she couldn’t push away.

  “Because . . . because I care about you!” Greta blurted the words out before she could stop herself. Her pale cheeks turned a bright crimson. Jacob did not respond, but she thought she saw him flinch. She bit her lip and tried to think of a way to take back the words. “I mean, I care about you as I would any brother or sister. We must look out for one another in this strange land.” She knew that he did not believe the excuse. If nothing else, the deep blush on her cheeks and the sharp rise and fall of her chest gave her true feelings away.

  Jacob turned to look at her. His face looked as distant as a stranger’s. He hesitated, as if trying to find the words. “Greta. I am sorry that I have given you the wrong impression. That is my fault.”

  Greta sucked in her breath. She felt her stomach drop out from under her. The world felt as if it were moving in slow motion. This cannot be happening. “No. I never thought . . . I mean . . . I do not . . .” Greta wanted to run away and hide. I should never have let myself believe that he had feelings for me.

  Jacob took a breath and let it out slowly. “Good. I am glad we understand each other.”

  “Ja. Of course.” But the expression on her face contradicted her words.

  Jacob swallowed and looked away again. “Greta.” His voice sounded soft and distant. “I have no intention to court you. I hold no affection for you.”

  Greta gasped. “Oh!” She jumped up and smoothed her skirts. How could I have misread him so? “Very well, Jacob Miller.” Jacob did not acknowledge her words. He sighed and looked down.

  Greta threw the trenchers into the basket as tears pricked at her eyes. Jacob stood up so that she could gather the blanket. His face looked unreadable. But I know what he’s thinking. He told me plainly!

  Greta replayed the conversation in her head as she ran back to the cabin. The memory of his words cut into her chest like a callous blade. How could I have misread him these past few days? How could I have been so foolish?

  She raised her head. Fine, Jacob Miller. You will get your wish. I will have no affection for you, either. None whatsoever. “And it will be your loss, Jacob Miller! Your loss!” Greta felt so consumed with hurt and humiliation that she shouted the declaration across the clearing. In the distance, Rose raised her head and stared with large black eyes.

  Greta stormed into the Yoder cabin and shook her head. Ruth sighed and set the straw broom aside. “I see that your conversation did not go well.” Greta did not answer. Instead she burst into tears.

  “There, there now. Let it out.”

  “I had it wrong! Terribly wrong!” Greta pulled her apron to her face to cover her soggy eyes. “Oh, Ruth, I am so embarrassed!” She cried harder.

  “Now, now. Go ahead and tell me what happened.”

  “He is cold and aloof and . . . un-Amish!”

  Ruth stifled a smile. “‘Un-Amish’ is not a word, dear.”

  “Oh, Ruth! Have a little sympathy!” The words came out muffled from behind the apron.

  “Hmmm. Well, the truth is, I am afraid that he is not the only one engaged in un-Amish behavior.”

  “You just said that ‘un-Amish’ is not a word!”

  “That is right, dear. Anyway, calling a brother un-Amish is not exactly Amish behavior either.”

  “Ruth! You are only making it worse!”

  Ruth smiled. “I do not think that Jacob Miller meant what he said today.”

  Greta hiccupped. She pulled the apron from
her face. “You don’t?”

  “No. I have seen the way he looks at you.”

  Greta shook her head. “But he was completely clear today. He said that he holds no affection for me!”

  “He said those words?”

  “Ja!”

  Ruth frowned. “Give him time.”

  “That will be easy. I do not intend on seeing him again. Ever!”

  * * *

  Jacob’s heart felt like a rock within his chest. He replayed his conversation with Greta again and again. His cold, hard words echoed inside his mind. “I hold no affection for you.” He felt ashamed of the statement. And he knew that it was a lie. But it is for the best. He pushed aside the feeling of warmth that Greta brought when she gazed up at him with her sparkling green eyes. The way her grin made him feel alive again. No. You know better. Nothing good can come of your feelings for Greta Scholtz. He wished that he could have been kinder, gentler. But he had done what he had to do. I cannot let her believe that there could ever be a future for us. It is for her own good. I will not fail another woman like I failed Marta. He nodded and set his face into a hard mask. I have done the right thing. I just wish that it did not hurt so much.

  A hard knot twisted inside Jacob’s stomach as he did his chores. Greta’s expression of shock and dismay pressed into his mind. She looked so innocent and hopeful as we dined, before her face fell as I said those cold, hard words. Jacob was so distracted that he knocked over the water bucket while he stacked the firewood by the hearth. He frowned as the water transformed the hard-packed dirt into mud. Then, when he hauled a bag of corn into the loft for winter storage, he cracked his head on the rafter. Jacob sat down hard and rubbed his scalp until he stopped seeing stars. He shook his head. Why is it so hard to push Greta Scholtz away?

  Jacob sighed and went to check on the pumpkin stew that bubbled in the cauldron. He stepped in the mud in front of the hearth and his frown deepened. I should have let her down more gently. He stirred the stew and contemplated his next move. I should apologize. No, that would only encourage her. And the worst thing that I can do is to encourage her. Leave her be, for her sake. He scooped out a spoonful of stew, slurped the hot broth, and wrinkled his nose. Needs some sugar. And nutmeg. But those luxuries were long gone. Just like his hopes for a better future.