Confessions of Felix Krull, Confidence Man: The Early Years

by Thomas Mann

  'Good day, master,' I said. 'Would it surprise you to know that I would like to buy a pocket watch and perhaps a handsome chain to go with it?'

  'No one will stop you, my boy,' he replied, taking the lens from his eye. 'Presumably it's not to be a gold one?'

  'Not necessarily,' I replied. 'I don't care anything about glitter and show. The inner quality, the precision, that's what I'm interested in.'

  'Sound principles. A silver one, then,' he said, opening the inner side of the showcase and taking from among his wares several objects which he laid before me.

  He was a haggard little man with stubbly yellow-grey hair and the sort of cheeks that start much too high, directly under the eyes, and hang sallowly where they ought to curve out. A cheerless, depressing picture.

  With the silver stem-winder he had recommended in my hand, I asked the price. It was twenty-five francs.

  'Incidentally, master,' I said, 'it is not my intention to pay cash for this watch, which I like very much. I prefer to go back to the older way of doing business — barter. Look at this ring!' And I got out the circlet with the grey pearl, which I had kept separate, for just this moment, in the change pocket inside the right-hand pocket of my jacket. 'My idea,' I explained, 'is to sell you this pretty item and to receive from you the difference between its worth and the price of this watch — in other words to pay you for the watch out of my receipts for the ring — or, to put it in still another way, to ask you simply to deduct the price of the watch, to which I entirely agree, from the sum of two thousand francs, let us say, which you will no doubt offer me for the ring. What do you think of that little transaction?'

  Sharply, with narrowed eyes, he examined the ring in my hand and then stared in the same fashion into my face, while a slight quiver became noticeable in his malformed cheeks.

  'Who are you, and where did you get this ring?' he asked in a tight voice. 'What do you take me for and what kind of deal are you proposing? Get out of here at once! This store belongs to an honest man!'

  Dejectedly I hung my head, but after a short pause said with warmth: 'Master Jean-Pierre, you are making a mistake. The mistake of distrust — something I had to reckon with, to be sure, but from which your knowledge of people should have saved you. Look me in the eye ... Well? Do I look like a — like the sort of person you thought I might be? I don't blame you for your first idea, it is understandable. But your second — I shall be much disappointed if that is not corrected by your personal impressions.'

  He continued to peer at the ring and at my face with an abrupt up-and-down motion of his head.

  'Where did you hear about my business?' he inquired.

  'From a fellow-worker and room-mate,' I replied. 'He is not altogether well at the moment; if you like, I will take him your good wishes for a speedy recovery. His name is Stanko.'

  He still hesitated, peering up and down at me, his cheeks quivering. But I clearly saw that desire for the ring was gaining the upper hand over his timidity. With a glance at the door he took it out of my hand and quickly seated himself behind the counter to examine it through his watchmaker's lupe.

  'It has a flaw,' he said, referring to the pearl.

  'Nothing could surprise me more,' I replied.

  'I can easily believe that. Only an expert would see it.'

  'Well, so well hidden a flaw can't affect the value. And the diamonds, if I may ask?'

  'Trash, splinters, roses, chipped-off stuff and simple decoration. A hundred francs,' he said, tossing the ring down between us on the glass top but closer to me.

  'I must have misunderstood you!'

  'If you think you misunderstood me, my boy, take your loot and be on your way.'

  'But then I can't buy the watch.'

  'Je m'en fiche,' he said. 'Adieu.'

  'Listen to me, Master Jean-Pierre,' I began again. 'With all due regard for your feelings, I can't spare you the reproach of negligence in the way you conduct your business. Through extreme miserliness you are endangering negotiations that have hardly yet begun. You overlook the possibility that this ring, valuable though it is, may not be the hundredth part of what I have to offer. This possibility is, nevertheless, a fact, and you would do well to alter your attitude toward me accordingly.'

  He looked at me wide-eyed and the quivering in his misshapen cheeks increased remarkably. Once more he glanced at the door and then, motioning with his head, he muttered between his teeth: 'Come back here.'

  He took the ring, led me around the counter, and opened the door to an unaired, windowless back room; there he lighted a brilliant white gas flame in the lamp hanging above a round table with a velvet cover and crocheted doilies. A safe and small desk gave the place an appearance half-way between middle-class living-room and business office.

  'Come on! What have you got?' the clockmaker demanded.

  'Allow me to remove this,' I replied, taking off my outer jacket. 'There, that's better.' And one by one I took out of my pockets the tortoise-shell comb, the breastpin with the sapphire, the brooch in the form of a little fruit basket, the bracelet with the white pearl, the ruby ring, and, as climax, the string of diamonds, and laid them all, well separated, on the crocheted table cover. Finally, requesting permission, I unbuttoned my vest, took the topaz jewelry from around my neck, and added it to the display on the table.

  'What do you think of that?' I asked with quiet pride.

  I saw he could not quite conceal a glitter in his eye and a smacking of his lips. But he gave the appearance of waiting for more and finally inquired in a dry voice: 'Well? Is that all?'

  'All?' I repeated. 'Master, you mustn't pretend a collection like this comes your way every day.'

  'You'd be happy to get rid of your collection, wouldn't you?'

  'Don't over-estimate my eagerness,' I replied. 'If you are asking whether I would like to dispose of it at a reasonable price, I can say yes.'

  'Quite so,' he returned. 'Reasonableness is just what you need, my fine fellow.'

  Thereupon he drew up one of the plush-covered armchairs that stood around the table and sat down to examine the objects. Without invitation I took a chair, crossed my legs, and watched him. I clearly saw his hands shaking as he took up one piece after another, appraised it, and then abruptly tossed it back on to the table. That was probably to cover up the quiver of greed, as was the repeated shrugging of his shoulders, especially when — this happened twice — he held the string of diamonds in his hands and, blowing on the stones, let them slowly slide between his fingers. And so it sounded all the more ridiculous when he finally said, gesturing at the whole collection:

  'Five hundred francs.'

  'What for, may I ask?'

  'For the whole thing.'

  'You're joking.'

  'My boy, there's no occasion for either of us to joke. Do you want to leave your loot here for five hundred? Yes or no?'

  'No,' I said and got up. 'Very far from it. With your permission I'll take my keepsakes, as I see I am being taken advantage of disgracefully.'

  'Dignity,' he said jokingly, 'becomes you. And your strength of character is remarkable, too, for your years. As a tribute to it I'll say six hundred.'

  'That's a step that doesn't get you out of the realm of the ridiculous. I look younger, dear sir, than I am, and it won't help at all to treat me as a child. I know the real worth of these things, and although I am not simple-minded enough to think I can insist on getting it, I will not permit the payment to differ to an immoral degree. Finally, I know that in this field of business there are competitors, and I'll be able to find them.'

  'You have an oily tongue — along with your other talents. But the idea hasn't occurred to you that the competitors with whom you threaten me are very well organized and may have agreed upon common terms.'

  'The question is simply this, Master Jean-Pierre, whether you want to buy my things, or whether someone else is to buy them.'

  'I am inclined to take them and, as we agreed in advance, at a reasonable price
.'

  'And what's that?'

  'Seven hundred francs — my last word.'

  Silently I began to stow the jewelry in my pockets, first of all the string of diamonds.

  With trembling cheeks he watched me.

  'Blockhead,' he said, 'you don't know your own good luck. Think what a quantity of money that is, seven or eight hundred francs — for me who has to lay it out and for you who will pocket it! What a lot of things you can buy yourself for, let us say, eight hundred and fifty francs — pretty women, clothes, theatre tickets, good dinners. Instead of that, like a fool, you want to go on carrying the stuff around with you in your pockets. How do you know the police aren't waiting for you outside? And don't you take my own risk into account?'

  'Have you,' I said at a venture, 'read about these objects anywhere in the newspapers?'

  'Not yet.'

  'You see? Despite the fact that we are dealing with a total real value of not less than eighteen thousand francs. Your risk is absolutely theoretical. Nevertheless, I will take it into account, as though it were real, since in point of fact I find myself momentarily short of cash. Give me half their worth, nine thousand francs, and it's a deal.'

  He pretended to roar with laughter, unpleasantly revealing the stumps of decayed teeth. Squeakingly he repeated over and over the figure I had named. Finally he said solemnly: You're crazy.'

  'I take that,' I said, 'as the first thing you've said since the last thing you said. And you will change that, too.'

  'Listen, my young greenhorn, this is certainly the very first transaction of this sort you have ever tried to carry on?'

  'And suppose that were so?' I replied. 'Pay attention to the advent of a new talent that has just appeared on the scene. Don't reject it through stupid miserliness. Try rather to win it over to your side through open-handedness, since it may yet bring you large profits, instead of steering it to another purchaser with a better nose for luck and more taste for the youthful and promising!'

  Taken aback, he looked at me. Doubtless he was weighing my reasonable words in his shrivelled heart while studying the lips with which I had spoken them.

  Taking advantage of his hesitation, I added: 'There's no point, Master Jean-Pierre, in our going on with these offers and counter-offers in lump sums. The collection ought to be examined and evaluated piece by piece. We must take our time about it.'

  'That's all right with me,' he said. 'Let's reckon it up.'

  That's where I made a stupid blunder. Of course if we had kept to lump sums I should never in the world have been able to stick to nine thousand francs, but the arguing and haggling that now ensued over the price of each piece, while we sat at the table and the clockmaker noted down on his pad the miserable valuations he forced on me, beat me down too heart-breakingly. It lasted a long time, probably three-quarters of an hour or more. In the midst of it the shop bell rang, and Jean-Pierre went out after commanding in a whisper: 'Hush! Don't move!'

  He came back again, and the haggling continued. I got the string of diamonds up to two thousand francs, but if that was a victory it was my only one. In vain I called upon the heavens to witness the beauty of the topaz jewelry, the rarity of the sapphire that adorned the breastpin, of the white pearl in the armband, of the ruby and the grey pearl. The rings together produced fifteen hundred; all the other items except the string of diamonds were in the range of fifty to three hundred. The sum total was forty-four hundred and fifty francs, and this villain of mine acted as though he were horrified by it and were ruining himself and his whole fraternity. He declared, moreover, that in these circumstances the silver watch that I had to buy would come to fifty francs instead of twenty-five — as much, that is, as he was going to pay for the enchanting gold brooch with the grapes. The final result was, accordingly, forty-four hundred. And Stanko? I thought. Here was a heavy charge against my receipts. Nevertheless there was nothing for me to do but to say 'Entendu.' Jean-Pierre opened the iron door of his safe, bestowed his purchases therein under my regretful leave-taking gaze, and laid four thousand-franc notes and four hundred-france notes before me on the table.

  I shook my head.

  'Please make these a little smaller,' I said, pushing the thousand franc notes back to him, and he replied:

  'Well, bravo! I was just giving you a little test in discretion. I see that you don't intend to make too much of a splash when you make your purchases. I like that. I like you altogether,' he went on as he changed the thousand-franc notes into hundreds and some gold and silver as well, 'and I should never have made so inexcusably generous a deal if you had not really inspired me with confidence. Look, I would like to continue this connexion of ours. There may really be something special about you. You have a kind of sunny manner. What's your name anyway?'

  'Armand.'

  'Well, Armand, prove yourself grateful by coming back! Here's your watch. I'll make you a present of this chain to go with it.' (It was absolutely worthless.) 'Adieu, my boy!

  Come again! I have fallen a little in love with you in the course of our business.'

  'You certainly controlled your emotions well.'

  'Badly, very badly!'

  Joking thus, we parted. I took an omnibus to the boulevard Haussmann and found a shoe store in a neighbouring side-street where I had myself fitted with a pair of handsome button shoes, at once solid and flexible. These I kept on, explaining that I had no further use for the old ones. After that, in the Printemps department store near by I wandered from department to department, acquiring first certain useful minor items: three or four collars, a tie, a silk shirt, a soft hat in place of my cap, which I hid in the inside pocket of my jacket, an umbrella that fitted inside the shaft of a cane and pleased me enormously, deer-skin gloves, and a lizard-skin wallet. After that I asked my way to the ready-made department, where I bought straight off the hanger an attractive suit of light, warm grey wool that fitted me as though made to order and, with my turn-down collar and the blue-and-white dotted tie, was extremely becoming. This, too, I kept on, and asked them to deliver the clothes I had come in, giving, as a joke, the name: 'Pierre Jean-Pierre, quatre-vingt-douze, rue de l'Ëchelle au Ciel.'

  I was well content as, thus brightened in appearance, I left the Printemps, my umbrella cane hooked over my arm and in my gloved fingers the convenient little wooden handle that was hooked to the red ribbon of my package. Well content, too, when I thought of the woman who bore my featureless image in her mind and, so I believed, was even now searching for a figure more worthy of her and her interest than heretofore. She would certainly have rejoiced with me that I had brought my outer appearance to a polish more in keeping with our relationship. The afternoon was well advanced after these accomplishments and I felt hungry. In a brasserie I ordered a strengthening but by no means gluttonous meal, consisting of a fish soup, a good steak with vegetables, cheese, and fruit, and I drank two glasses of beer. Well fed, I decided to allow myself the diversion for which I had envied those engaged in it when I rode by the day before — that is, to sit in front of one of the cafés in the boulevard des Italiens and observe the passing crowd. This I did. Taking a seat at a little table near a warming brazier, I drank my double and smoked, glancing alternately at the colourful and noisy stream of life flowing in front of me and down at my handsome buttoned shoes; I had crossed my legs in order to swing one of them in the air. I must have sat there for an hour, so pleased was I, and I should probably have stayed longer if the creatures creeping round and under my table in search of unregarded trifles had not by degrees become too numerous. I had, to be sure, discreetly slipped a present to a ragged old man and to an equally shabby boy who were picking up my cigarette butts — a franc to the former and ten sous to the latter, to their unspeakable delight — and this had caused an additional contingent of their fellows to come crowding up, before whom I had to flee since I could not possibly succour all the misery in the world. Nevertheless, I have to admit that the impulse to make a gift of this kind, an impulse I had been awa
re of on the previous evening, had played its part in my desire to visit the café.

  It was, incidentally, a financial problem that had occupied me while I sat there, and continued to do so during my further diversions. What about Stanko? In respect to him, I was faced with a difficult choice. I could either admit to him that I had been too maladroit and childish to come anywhere near getting the price for my wares he had so confidently set; in proportion to this shameful failure, I could then settle with him for fifteen hundred francs at most. Or, to my honour and his advantage, I could deceive him and pretend I had at least achieved approximately the stipulated price. In that case I should have to pay out twice as much, and there would remain as my share of all that magnificence a tiny sum, miserably close to Master Jean-Pierre's original shameless offer. Which way would I decide? From the first I suspected that my pride or my vanity would prove stronger than my greed.

  As for the diversions after the coffee hour, I entertained myself, for a trivial entrance fee, in looking at a magnificent panorama representing the Battle of Austerlitz with a full sweep of landscape, including burning villages, and teeming with Russian, Austrian, and French troops. It was so admirably executed that one could hardly perceive the division between what was only painted and the actual objects in the foreground, discarded weapons and knapsacks and the puppet figures of fallen warriors. On a hill, surrounded by his staff, the Emperor Napoleon was observing the strategic situation through a spy-glass. Exalted by this sight, I visited still another spectacle, a panopticon, where to your terrified delight you encounter at every turn potentates, famous swindlers, artists crowned by fame, and notorious murderers of women, and expect at every instant to hear them call you by name. The Abbé Liszt, with long white hair and the most natural-looking wart on his face, was sitting at a grand piano, his foot on the pedals, his eyes directed toward Heaven, reaching for the keys with waxen fingers, while near by General Bazaine held a revolver to his temple but did not fire. These were exciting impressions for a young mind, but, despite Liszt and Bazaine, my powers of assimilation were not exhausted. Evening had fallen during my adventures; as she had done the day before, Paris adorned herself with light, with colourful flashing signs, and after a little wandering about I spent an hour and a half in a variety theatre, where sea lions balanced lighted oil lamps on their noses, a magician ground up someone's gold watch in a mortar only to produce it in perfect condition from the back trouser pocket of a completely disinterested spectator sitting well toward the rear of the orchestra, a pale diseuse in long black gloves scattered shady improprieties in a graveyard voice, and a gentleman gave a masterful performance as a ventriloquist. I could not stay for the end of this wonderful programme, for I wanted to get a cup of chocolate and hurry back before the dormitory filled.