I carried her, limping my way to the bedroom and placed her sleepy body into the twin sized bed.
“Sleep a little longer, sweetheart. It’s too early to be awake,” I yawned.
“Night, Mommy,” she said.
Limping my way back down the hallway, my bed was calling my name and I was wishing away the shit morning to hope and dreams of when I woke up again, fucking unicorns would be pooping glitter. Better be that damn good.
CHAPTER TEN
T he human mind was a mysterious thing. Sometimes what you actually thought about, happened in real life. Some people call that coincidence, and some people call that God's answered prayers. To me, it was exactly how it was. The mind working in mysterious ways, no other explanation was needed. I thought about Tate, how much he must be hurting. He didn't leave my mind, actually, if I knew where he stayed, I contemplated showing up. Then the mysterious thing happened, I looked down at my feet, randomly getting out of bed, and saw an ID staring back at me. I laughed out loud, almost comical. I stared at Tate’s identification card. Assuming it was the accurate address, I googled directions. Showing he lived just outside of town, made me believe it was correct. I knew how much he didn’t get along with his parents, specifically his father.
A knock at the door, startled me from my thoughts. I draped the dress over my head thankful for the amazing air conditioning running through my home on this record breaking heat day. I heard the knocking again and rushed to the side door where the noise came from.
A breath of fresh air escaped my lungs when I saw my mother.
I swung open the door and immediately she flew into my arms.
“I came as soon as I heard. Why didn’t you call me?” She cried.
“Shhh, they’re still sleeping. And I didn’t call anybody mama, I didn’t even think to.”
“Let me look atcha.” She held me at arm’s length, eyeing me from head to toe. Staring deep into my eyes, enough to make one uncomfortable, I couldn’t help but to look down. I knew then she’d know things were crazy.
“Honey, you look exhausted. Why don’t I stay here and help for a little while.”
“No, mama, it’s not necessary really. Come on, I’ll put the coffee on.” I ambled over to the kitchen counter and ran the water. I didn’t have anything fancy like k cups, so I dug out the coffee and poured two scoops in the filter, filled the water up, flipping the switch to on, and watched as it did its thing.
I turned on my heel and grabbed the sugar and cream from the fridge, placing it on the table alongside two ceramic cups. Smelling the brew was the best part of coffee. Sitting down on one end of the table, she sat at the other.
“My house is a little messy.” I mumbled, embarrassed.
“Pish posh, tell me about Jared. What happened?”
I studied my mom for a minute. Years ago, you could say we weren’t the best of friends, then when I had kids, a lot changed between us and for the better. I wished she lived a little closer, but two hours wasn’t terrible. She had short brown hair with grey coming in at the roots, and the most beautiful blue eyes you ever did see. She left my father about seven years ago and has been dating on and off since then. She actually looked happy, which had my curiosity peaked to know if she found someone.
“I don’t know where to start. Clint was supposed to pick up the kids, apparently he ran late, so instead of staying at the park, Jared decided to start walking, leaving his sissy at the playground. Thank God, but still, he shouldn’t have left. A car barreled around the corner and hit him. An older woman not paying attention.”
“Oh my God, he must have been so scared.”
“Since it was still right across from school, Tammy saw it and rushed over to get me when I wasn’t answering my phone. My heart sank, mama, I thought the worst and felt physically ill.”
“I can imagine, honey. You gave me some scares in your childhood too. Believe me I know what that exact feeling feels like. So, is he ok now?”
“Has to stay home for the week, rest and more rest. He can return back to school next week. Liv needs to get up in a few minutes and get ready for school.”
The coffee pot stopped and my mom rushed to her feet and swooped in to grab the first cup which I thought was cute, but she handed it to me instead. Just like a mother would do, serve her child first. I smiled and thanked her before pouring the cream and sugar in. Lord knew I needed it since Clint called me so damn early and I then had to deal with Livy's situation, and the whole leg cramp thing, which didn’t help me get much sleep after.
“Let me stay here with Jared today, you go out, take the day off, and pamper yourself. Nails, hair, whatever you need to do.”
“No, I’ll stay.” Quickly answering without a thought since I didn’t want her to know about losing my job. I had enough going on without her adding her two cents about that. Perfect timing right?
“Well, is your job ok to let you off for a week?”
Shit.
Knowing well I can’t lie to the woman, I frowned. My hand raked through my hair. Taking a deep breath, trying to hold my emotions in check because I couldn’t keep breaking.
“I got let go.”
Her hand flew to her mouth in shock. “What? Why? Oh hell.”
“Oh it’s hell alright.”
I got up out of my seat, sliding the wood chair into the table, taking one last sip of coffee before I wrestled Livy to get ready.
Turning the blinds open letting in the morning sunlight, Livy shifted pulling her covers over her head. Lord child, let this be an easy morning.
“Morning baby, come on time to get up and ready for school. Big surprise waiting in the kitchen for you.”
“Is it cookies for breakfast?” She moaned.
“Better.” I smiled big.
She jumped out of bed and ran out the door in her pjs. I laughed while sorting through some clothes in her closet to wear. Settling on shorts and a t shirt, I chose light colors to keep her cool today in the expected heat.
“Grandma! Grandma!” I heard her shout down the hallway.
“Mom?” Jared yelled from his room. I dropped all things and went next door to see what he needed.
“Hey, bud, what’s up?”
“Did Livy really say Grandma? Is your mom here?”
“She is. Come on I’ll help you to the kitchen so you can say hey.”
“I don’t need help.” He stepped out of bed with ease and then winced when he got up.
“Uh huh. Rest, lots of rest. She’ll probably stay with you while I run Sissy to school.”
“Ok, that’s fine!” He made his way into the kitchen where Livy sat on my mother Ruth’s lap.
“Come on Liv, you gotta get dressed. You can visit with Grandma after school.”
“Aw mom, can’t I stay home?”
“Nope, off to school!” I pointed to the hallway in hopes she moved her butt toward the bedroom to get dressed. “Mama, you mind staying with Jared while I run her to school and do an errand on the way home?”
“Of course. We’ll be just fine, won’t we Jared?”
He grinned. Those two were always up to no good unsupervised. I wouldn’t be gone long.
Livy finally got dressed and ate a pop tart quickly before I ran back in my bedroom. Looking down at the floor at the same spot as before, I decided to grab the card.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I parked my car outside a nice looking apartment complex. Fairly new construction on the outskirts of town. Staring out in front of me, I rested my hands on the steering wheel. Stupidity had me get out of the car, the smart portion of my brain begged me not to. What the hell would I say? I’m sorry I married your brother and had two wonderful kids with him to later divorce knowing he wasn’t you? It killed me to even say the words. Like Tammy said though, there was absolutely no reason for me to regret those beautiful children. And I didn’t. Not them. Just everything leading up to them.
I went with the stupid devil on my shoulder and got out, closing the car door
gently behind me. My feet felt sluggish before they gained courage to walk up to the second floor where it said Tate lived. I picked my hand up leaning it toward the door to knock, but I hesitated holding it there for a moment, contemplating running back to the car. Fuck it. My hand pounded on the door and I stepped back to wait.
I wasn’t sure what I was really waiting for. For Tate to answer the door and scream at me? Hug me? Tell me it’s ok? Forgive me? Tell me to go to hell? I wasn’t prepared for any of those answers. Not even one. In fact, my stomach turned, bile rising up my throat. I felt ill standing there not ready for the unknown. I waited, and waited and nobody was coming to the door. And then it opened.
The door started to close, and I stopped it with my hand. “Please, don’t close the door on me. Talk to me, Tate. Please talk to me.”
“And say what exactly?”
He broke me in half. He looked like hell, in sweats that even if he thought were ragged, where sexy as fuck hanging off his hips. He wore a tight white t shirt clinging to his chest. One I needed to be snuggled up against. And a beard that was definitely grown out. A sexy look I hadn’t ever seen Tate wear before. Grown up Tate just kept getting better and better.
“Tell me, that you love me.” I felt sicker even prying those words out of me. I knew I needed to hear them. I wasn’t sure I’d hold it together if he told me he didn’t.
His red rimmed eyes pierced through me, shattering my soul with the hurt I saw. I never wanted him to be hurt, never meant to fall for Clint. But when I experienced Clint loving me, and Tate never showing back up, I made a dumb decision. Not so dumb because my kids were my life, but stupid because I chose the wrong man. Was it even stupid? Clint used to be so good to me. Gah, I felt like all I did was crush people. It was all my fault and I didn’t blame anyone if they didn’t love me.
“I can’t talk to you right now, Paisley. I just,” he paused, “I just can’t.”
I handed him his ID and tears slid down my cheeks soaking them instantly. Tate looked down at the floor and closed the door gently in front of me. He watched me cry my eyes out and closed me out. Couldn’t he see how I felt? How completely broken I was too? Fuck! It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I trekked back to my car, tearing my steering wheel apart with my hand that crashed down on it over and over while I screamed, then cried, then screamed some more and cried harder. I was losing Tate again. Unable to wear this coat of pain, I straightened up and headed home. To the only thing that made sense. To my kids. Wiping my eyes the entire way to make sure there was no proof of the fact I just had a full on adult meltdown. They wouldn’t know, I would never allow them to know.
Pulling in the gravel drive, I inhaled and exhaled a little bit more. Thankful my mother surprised me today, I’m not sure how I’d figure out my life, but if she was there, it would force me to.
“I’m home!” I shouted over the noise coming from the living room.
“In here!” Jared yelled back. I heard my mother laugh. It warmed my heart they were getting along. My phone pinged.
Tammy: Hello? You ok?
I typed out a quick response realizing I hadn’t answered her last night.
Me: My mother showed up. I’m not ok, but as long as she’s here, it’s all smiles from me.
Tammy: Sweetie, you can’t fake it forever.
Me: I went over to his apartment. He closed the door on me said he couldn’t talk to me.
Tammy: Shit, I’m sorry.
Me: This is all my fault. I have to go.
I joined them in the living room with them having the biggest smiles on their faces. Collapsing onto the couch, I watched them play go fish.
“How ya feeling, buddy?”
“Like I was hit by a car, Mom.”
“Jared, be nice to your mother,” Ruth added.
“Sorry, mom. I’m ok, just still sore.”
“Maybe you should lay back down for a little while, remember? Rest?”
“She’s right, go rest. I’ll make us some cookies for later.”
Jared groaned, then decided to drag himself back to his room. It gave me some time with my mom again.
“You ok?” She asked me.
Lord, how did this woman know me so damn well it was eerie?
“Mom, can I ask you something and you need to be truthful with me?”
“Of course, anything, honey.”
“Did Tate Watson ever send letters that you never gave me?”
Her chest moved a little harder and her eyes settled on me, wary of how she was going to respond. Her pause pretty much gave me the answer I needed though.
“Yes, he did.”
I let out a breath, frustrated with her truth. I tried to keep calm, but it brought on more tears I thought I had control over. He was right, he tried to get a hold of me and she didn’t let it happen. Anger crept in, before I could keep it at bay.
“Why, mama? Why would you keep them from me?”
This time her response came quick. “Because you weren’t ready to read them. You just moved on from that heartbreak. What kind of mother would I be to give them to you and let you relive it?”
I sat up from the sofa. “Because they were mine. I needed to read them.”
“I’m sorry, Paisley, that was many years ago. What has that boy done to get you raising such questions?”
“Because he’s home, mama. And he found out about Clint and me, the kids, everything.”
“Don’t you feel sorry for one second. The heart chooses who the heart wants.”
“My heart always wanted Tate.”
“Well, Tate didn’t always want you.” My mother bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry if the truth hurts, but it’s true. He left you, Paisley. And he never came back.”
I swallowed hard. Hearing it come from my mother’s mouth made a little more sense. He didn’t want me. That was what everyone seemed to think. I truly believed that he did. And he chose the impossible, moved to the army to get away from his family. I understood what he did, then and now. I just wouldn’t ever understand why he left me. When we had plans to be together. He left. But he was back, and if I had known about these letters, we might not be in this predicament we’re in right now. Who’s to say how our futures would have panned out if I read them? Nobody could predict the future or change the past. I needed the present to be next to Tate though. And today crushed me.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“I got the job!” I screeched and jumped up and down in front of Tammy.
“Hell yeah, girl! I knew you’d get it! When do you start?”
I trained my eyes back on the email and re read it. “I passed my drug test, so it looks like…” scrolling through email until I landed on it, “Monday!”
“Time to celebrate!”
“Yeah, there’s that whole haven’t had a job for two weeks thing, so no money for that. We can toast to some kool aid in the fridge!” I giggled.
“Mommy, Richie is being mean to me.”
My poor Livy, she always loved playing with Tammy’s kids, but her and Richie always got into little cat fights. Tammy decided to go handle it, and I sat back dreaming of the new job. I got hired at a reputable law firm in town. I was up against literally tons of other people since the place had popularity, everyone wanted to work there. I’d be assisting the top lawyer in the company and it came with an extremely heavy pay increase. My nerves got the best of me even though I knew I had it, now I needed to prove to them I was the best fit.
I hadn’t heard or seen Tate since I left his apartment, in tears, two weeks ago. My emotions went in stages and I wasn’t sure what to think about it. It was a fine line between anger and contentment. I knew those dangerous eyes, were just that, dangerous. He being present in my life had a negative and a positive to it. A negative only for the fact I’m weak around him. Positive because he made me happy and always did. Except when he left and shattered me. The situation became complicated though. If he came back, there would be a lot of mending hearts. He had to
stop acting like he was the only one who hurt. Yeah, I fucked up. Yeah, his whole family and mine kept it from him the whole time. Mostly because he legit was a ghost for ten years. He didn’t come home, he didn’t visit his family, or speak to them. When he left, he really left. We all were hurt by it. Granted, I understood sort of why he left his family in the dark, but maybe he should understand why we left him in the dark. So much to talk about. Would it be worth it? I mean, if he was really back, for good, wouldn’t he want to be a part of his niece and nephews lives if we weren’t meant to be? Could we even handle that? I knew he hasn’t been there for them their whole life, but he wasn’t here either. They know who he is. They’d seen pictures. The entire situation was nothing but a large headache. It would be weird for them to call him Uncle, when I wanted them to call him step dad.
“Well, that’s handled, already hugging it out.” Tammy brought me back to life.
“Your mother left a few days ago? How was that?”
“I’ll be honest, her help was amazing and we bonded more than I ever can recall being that close to my mama. It’s crazy what having kids can do for our broken relationship.”
“That’s good to hear.”
I smiled realizing it was a great thing to hear. Everything seemed to be re-falling back in place. Jared had been way better this last week being at school. Mom enjoyed taking them to school giving me a break and the kids were tickled about it too. It was much needed time for my kids and I with my mother.
Clint on the other hand has been quiet. For the first time in those two weeks, he messaged me last night and said he wanted to come over and talk. It made me super nervous so I haven’t responded to him yet. Anger I definitely had for him after what he said to me in that hospital. Then telling me he’d take me back to court for a custody battle. When that shit only happened when he had a new girlfriend to tell him what they wanted. To play little step mom to these adorable kids. Not one actually fit the damn role.
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