Forever Young: A mother's story of life after suicide
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I gave myself permission to grieve. I’d say to myself, ‘I’m sad today, but it’s because I’m grieving, and that’s natural. I am going to be okay!’ I give myself positive affirmations. I repeat, ‘I am a good mother. I did everything I could.’ I’ve learned to treat myself as I like to treat others, with love, kindness and forgiveness, and slowly, I’ve learned to cope better.
Everyone told me that the first year would be the hardest. That may be true for most people, but my grief was even worse during the second year. It came to a head when I attended the coroner’s court and realised that this was not a dream. Matthew wasn’t coming back.
As a mum, counsellor and a youth worker, it’s important to share that Matthew did not want to die. He was planning his eighteenth birthday party and looking forwards to the birth of his son. His death had a devastating effect on me, on his siblings, friends and community. Although Matthew ended his pain, he transferred it onto all those who knew and loved him when he completed suicide.
Holding onto my faith has helped me. There is a verse in the bible Isaiah 41:10, ‘Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee and with the right hand of my righteousness.’ That gives me great comfort. In the early days, when I lay in bed, scared to close my eyes, let alone try to sleep, I’d imagine myself as a little girl holding onto Jesus’s hand. I still do that sometimes. It reassures me that I am not alone.
It’s important that everyone gets support for their mental health. There is support out there; a friend, your GP, an organisation who will be able to give you the help and support that you need to live your life. One day your story will inspire and give someone the strength and support they need. And together we will break the stigma.
HELPFUL ORGANISATIONS IN NORTHERN IRELAND
Aware Defeat Depression02890 357820
Barnardo’s Child Bereavement Support Service02890 668333
Childline 0800 1111
Compassionate Friends02887 788016
Cruse Bereavement support02890 792419
Lifeline: 0808 808 8000*
Lighthouse Charity02890 755070
NHSCT Bereaved by Suicide Service02894 413544
Samaritans: 116 123
Wave Trauma Centre02890 779922
Zest NI02871 266999
Lifeline counsellors are available 24 hours a day and phone calls are free from mobiles or landlines calling from UK.