The Gate of the Feral Gods

by Matt Dinniman

  Reward: You now have the option to worship the god Grull.

  Admin Note: There is a new tab now available in your interface.

  I laughed. I looked up at the ceiling and said, “Grull can suck my dick.”

  Donut and Katia, who’d both just received the same achievement, also laughed.

  “Worship Grull? At this point, I’m quite sure it’s the other way around,” Donut added.

  New Achievement! Indomitable.

  You have been physically attacked by a deity, and you survived. This is a feat that has only been accomplished by a handful of crawlers in the history of Dungeon Crawler World. Good job! Unfortunately for you and anybody around you, whenever this happens, the other deities tend to notice.

  Reward: You have received a Legendary Deity’s Box.

  “Wow,” I said. A legendary box!

  The next achievement came in the AI’s creepy, I’m-touching-myself-and-smoking-a-cigarette voice.

  New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy.

  You have been stepped upon by a deity. You have survived the encounter. And while this wasn’t the pink-fleshed suppleness of a human-shaped foot that crushed your fragile, wet body, it’s nice sometimes to switch things around. You know, just to test the boundaries of your own limits. When one experiments, oftentimes one finds new and exciting ways to get that rush.

  While fun, it wasn’t quite the same. You probably don’t realize how lucky that is for you.

  Reward: You have received a Platinum Spicy Box.

  “For fuck’s sake,” I muttered. I remembered that moment, when the god had stepped upon me. I would’ve been obliterated had I not been under that potion’s protection. I remembered the dungeon had rumbled, but I was a little preoccupied to notice it at the time. After that, there were only a few more notable achievements.

  New Achievement! Hail Mary!

  You have initiated an attack that has caused more than 100 casualties more than 100 kilometers from your current position. You’re either the universe’s greatest sniper, or you’ve been a sneaky, little, portal-using bitch. Either way, that’s rather impressive. You’d have a great career in politics ahead of you if, you know, we hadn’t destroyed your world and all the governments and stuff.

  Reward: You’ve received a Gold Sniper’s box!

  New Achievement! Extinction Event.

  You have, with a single attack, killed every last member of a non-unique species on a dungeon’s floor. That’s not an easy thing to do, and it takes a special brand of asshole to pull something like this off.

  Species killed: Wall Monitors.

  Reward: You have received a Platinum Asshole’s Box!

  The wall monitors were the lizard creatures that lived in the abyss. When the train had popped through the portal and blown everything to hell, we must’ve killed them all.

  In addition to all of that, we’d all received two bronze boss boxes for killing the mantaurs even though we hadn’t technically killed either of them. Both had been summoning vessels for Grull. I wasn’t going to complain. Nobody else in the party received the Indomitable achievement, though Katia had received a similar one for surviving a god’s magic attack, but it was only a gold box. Apparently Elle was the only other one to get the Legendary box.

  I also received a Silver Fan Box for having the most “switchovers” during a battle. I didn’t know what that actually meant, but we’d find out tomorrow what the people had picked for me. Since it was a lower-tier fan box, I wasn’t too enthusiastic.

  Of the three of us, Donut had received the least amount of boxes, though she did receive a Platinum That Wasn’t Too Smart, Was It? Box for attacking the Province Boss. Her two regular boss boxes were coins and healing-themed scrolls. However, she did receive a scroll that filled me with dread.

  Scroll of Water Breathing.

  Allows you to breathe underwater. Lasts as many seconds as your intelligence stat times three. It does not protect you from swimmer’s ear or being eaten by an undead barracuda. I hope you know how to swim.

  “I am saying this right now, Carl,” Donut announced the moment she received the scroll. “I am a cat. Cats do not swim. Cats do not go in water. It is unnatural, and it is not going to happen.”

  Mordecai: Goddamnit, Donut. Don’t say that stuff out loud.

  Donut: I CAN’T EXACTLY SAY IT IN CHAT ANYMORE, CAN I, MORDECAI?

  Mordecai: Your chats are still protected if I’m in on it. If you need to vent, make sure you do it to me.

  She swiped her tail angrily several times. “This is not acceptable. I do not like this one bit.”

  “The scrolls are clunky,” Mordecai said, sighing. “If I can get the right materials, I will make a potion for water breathing. There are also several different spells that’ll allow you to travel freely in water.”

  “What about flying?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Spells and items, yes. Lots and lots. But potions? If you’d saved one of the bench upgrade coupons, then maybe. I really need two upgrades. Otherwise we’ll have to do it another way.” He said this loudly. He was really talking to our sponsors.

  Donut’s final, platinum box contained another magic book. It was a 15-mana spell called Wall of Fire.

  “That’s an escape spell,” Mordecai said. “It’s about a 10 meter wide, two meter high wall of fire that lasts 15 seconds at level 1. It’s a common spell. Powerful later on, but it’s also fire. Fire tends to spread. When the magic goes away, if it’s cast on something flammable, it stays on fire. I’ve seen it a hundred times. Fire gets out of control very easily.”

  “It’s not Fireball,” Donut grumbled. “That’s what I really want.” She glowed as she read the book.

  Katia opened her boxes next. In addition to gold, she received several more of the water-breathing scrolls along with antidote potions. The water breathing scrolls and antidote pots seemed to be pretty common, making them this floor’s version of the torch and the bandage. In her gold Survivor’s box, she received a skill potion that she was forced to drink right away. It raised her Catcher skill, which she’d been training relentlessly, up to level 11.

  I went next. My boss boxes contained a few healing scrolls, a useless magical shirt, and a handful of the water-breathing scrolls. But I also received one more invisibility potion. That potion had saved my ass during the fight with Grull.

  “That’s an easy, but expensive, potion to make,” Mordecai said. “Some of the materials for it are rare. It’s good that you’re getting them.”

  “It’s like once you start getting something, you’re more likely to keep getting it,” I said.

  “That’s absolutely right,” he agreed. “And sometimes things, like those water-breathing scrolls, are a not-so-subtle hint about what you might find on a level. See all those antidote potions Katia received? It means we have lots of poison-dealing monsters and traps on this floor as well. Good thing both you and Donut are immune to poison.”

  “How wonderful for you,” Katia said drily.

  I received 40,000 gold for surviving the level in the top 10. Donut had gotten 30,000 and Katia 10,000. We still needed to purchase some environmental upgrades for the space, but at the moment we had about 650,000 gold between the three of us, and that was before I opened the rest of my boxes.

  My gold sniper’s box contained a crafting item. It was a case containing 25 small, black items, each about the size of a bottle cap.

  Surefire. Crafting item.

  A Surefire adds the “Guided” status to any projectile, powered or not. It may be utilized on a vast array of crafting tables. If added to an arrow or bolt, you must choose a target prior to unleashing the weapon, and the projectile will seek that target.

  If added to a trap, additional options become available. Such as “Target any healers within range” or “Target anyone who thinks it’s okay to put mayonnaise on hotdogs.”

  If added to a powered weapon, such as an explosive-based rocket, targets may be assigned during the crafting pro
cess or upon firing, but not both.

  Note: this upgrade alone does not add range to the projectile.

  “Cool,” I said, moving to my two platinum boxes.

  The platinum Spicy box—the one I’d gotten because the system AI was a goddamned pervert—contained a toe ring.

  Enchanted Toe Ring of the Leprous Bandit.

  This is a unique item.

  Most children in the universe know the exciting tale of the Leprous Bandit, the infamous human thief whose people were starving to death because of a planet-wide quarantine. While all the planet’s residents were carriers of the disease, it did not affect them. But because the disease was deadly to the Forsoothed, the planet’s regents, the aliens placed themselves in floating protection platforms, guarding the gardens and food stores in hopes to starve the humans all out.

  The bandit climbed a mountain, jumped onto a platform, and broke into the floating garden. He was quickly killed, of course, but not before he infected the Forsoothed and caused them to flee the planet. Thanks to the bandit’s intervention, the human planet survived another 100 years before it was obliterated in an unrelated conflict. To this day, the Leprous Bandit remains an inspiration.

  This toe ring imbues the following:

  The Sticky Feet Benefit.

  The Super Spreader Benefit.

  “Two benefits in one item?” Mordecai said. “That’s a pretty damn valuable ring. That’s almost legendary tier.”

  Sure enough, I stuck it in my inventory to check, and its value was up there, right above the Ring of Divine Suffering and below that Kimaris figure. I inspected the two benefits.

  Sticky Feet.

  Once every six hours, for (Dexterity x 2) seconds, you may walk upon a non-horizontal surface, such as a wall or ceiling. Gravity will not change, so leave your beer on the ground and make sure you tuck in your shirt first. Your bare feet must be in contact with the surface. No socks, no shoes.

  “Hey, I’m like spiderman,” I said. “At least my feet are. Too bad it’s only once every six hours. I looked at the second benefit.

  Super Spreader.

  You have been given the power of every plague rat and kindergartner since the dawn of time. You may pass any active debuffs onto a target of your choice once per hour. This does not remove the debuff from yourself.

  “Gross,” I said as I slid the toe ring right onto my left pinky. I sighed, looking down at my shiny feet.

  When my next box opened, the Platinum Asshole’s Box, I realized what it was the moment the symbol appeared in the air.

  “Oh fuck me,” I said. A moment passed. I looked at my arms. I rubbed my hand across my neck. “Where did it go?” I said.

  “It’s on your face, Carl,” Donut said, disgust in her voice. “You’ve been ruined. You look like one of those white guy rappers now.”

  Katia laughed, leaning in. “Don’t worry, it’s tiny. It’s just below your left eye. Barely noticeable. Like a teardrop tattoo, but smaller. It’s almost like a freckle. What is it? It looks like a gecko foot. It’s cute.”

  “It’s a tattoo of a lizard foot,” I said.

  Extinction Sigil Tattoo

  Wall Monitor Race.

  Removes automatic hostility for any natural enemies of lizard-class creatures.

  Warning: holding this Extinction Sigil will cause lizard-class enemies to deal 20% more damage against you. Any Wall Monitors will deal 150% more damage against you.

  You may only hide this tattoo with a cover-up sleeve.

  “How in the hell am I supposed to use a cover-up sleeve on my face?”

  “Hmm,” Mordecai said, also examining the tattoo. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this. I’ve seen plenty like that goblin pass tattoo you have, but not like this. Everybody hates lizards, but I don’t know what their natural enemies are. Maybe birds. They like eating eggs.”

  “I guess we’ll find out,” I said, reaching up to touch the tattoo under my eye. I now had three tats. My goblin pass, my Desperado Club pass, and now this. Hopefully it was as small and unnoticeable as Katia said.

  I had one item left. My legendary deity’s box. It was a potion. It looked different than most potions. The bottle was rounded and more ornate, like an expensive perfume bottle. Smoke rose from the glass.

  “Holy shit,” Mordecai said. “Can I see it?” He picked it up with his talon, and it was shaking.

  “Who’s Pawna?” I asked.

  “She’s the goddess of peace,” Mordecai said. “In the pantheon, she’s Grull’s sister and arch enemy. Don’t take this now. Save it.”

  I passed the potion around to the others and then took it back. I added it to my inventory. It was the first item I’d seen that was valued higher than the Kimaris figure.

  The description was very simple.

  Pawna’s Tears.

  This potion adds plus five to any spell or skill of your choosing.

  “Why is it so valuable?” Katia asked. “Because it’s plus five? We’ve seen skill potions before. We’ve seen potions that max out skills, like that one that Maggie My lady has. Plus there are those Cheat Code potions that do the same thing, but for three skill levels.”

  Mordecai answered. “It’s valuable, my dear, because it’s not only plus five, but he can choose any skill he wishes. Legendary skill potions that max out skills are also quite valuable, but they are only available for a limited number of skills. The Cheat Code potion is also precious. It is plus three to a random skill. However, the Cheat Code has a short shelf life, meaning he has to take it immediately. With this potion, Carl can save it. He can now train one of his skills to fifteen, take the potion, and raise it to twenty. It is, quite simply, the single best item of loot he has received since he entered the dungeon.”

  “Not including the pet biscuit,” Donut said.

  “Not including the pet biscuit,” Mordecai agreed.

  “My powerful strike is already 13,” I said.

  “It’s 13 because you have six levels from equipment buffs. We’ll want to use it on something that’s naturally 15. Catch-all skills like Powerful Strike are hard to train up, especially after 15, but items that increase the skill are more common. We’ll need to sit down and decide which specific skill to use it on. We don’t have to decide right away, and we should probably wait until after you pick your subclass when we hit the sixth floor. Things might jumble around somewhat after that.”

  “Didn’t Elle get the same box? What did she get?” Katia asked. The god had physically swiped at Elle a few times, though he hadn’t actually touched her. She’d still gotten the box.

  Carl: Elle, what did you get in your deity box?

  Elle: Not a good time to talk. Imani crashed the boat. I had to freeze the water to keep everybody from drowning. But I got a spellbook called Graupel. Big ice storm. Most powerful spell I have now, but I’m kinda scared to try it. It costs 50 mana. Long cooldown. Talk soon.

  I told them. Mordecai shook his head. “That’s a war spell. Tell her to be careful with it while we’re stuck in these snow globes. Do you know anybody who is in this same bubble?”

  “That’s a good question,” I said. “I haven’t asked yet.”

  “I asked the former daughters, but nobody answered me,” Katia said. “By the way, Eva is still alive. She’s still on my chat.”

  “If she’s not in this bubble, then we don’t have to worry about it. Keep your find crawler up and running.”

  “I have been. There are eight crawlers I can see nearby, but I don’t know any of them. They’re all in the low twenties.”

  “Hmm,” Mordecai said. “I wonder if they’re averaging out the player levels in the bubbles. That’ll explain why we’re stuck with the dregs. Carl, your level 41 might be the highest in the dungeon. We won’t know until the top 10 populates.”

  I sent out a group message, asking if anybody else was in bubble number 543. I received only one reply. A human named Gwendolyn Duet. She was a level-27 Boring Ol’ Fighter. That was her class’s actual name
. “Boring Ol’ Fighter.” I’d seen “Fighter” listed before, but not that one. I couldn’t remember meeting her, but she was pretty vocal and outspoken in the chats.

  She was in the land quadrant, so somewhere far below us at sea level.

  Gwendolyn Duet: Oh, hey bomber guy. It looks like we’re neighbors. All of these dumbasses I’m stuck with don’t know what they’re doing. Me and the other two folks in my team are the highest level here. We rolled land, and we rolled something called the Sandcastle of the Mad Dune Mage. There are giant snakes, giant spiders, and these half-human, half-scorpion punk rock guys with no shirts and nipple rings running around all over the place. Plus bird things carrying chainsaws, though we haven’t fought them yet. We haven’t checked out the castle up close, but it’s a big ‘un. There are four levels of walls. It’s built into the side of that giant tomb or mountain or whatever that is. I don’t know how we’re going to get in.

  Carl: Do you have a Desperado Club down there?

  Her damn name took up half the screen. I went into the chat interface and changed it to “Gwen.”

  Gwen: There are three villages not including the castle, and I heard one of them does, but this one doesn’t. I don’t have access anyway. I’m a proper fucking lady. I got a Club Vanquisher ring.

  Carl: Okay. Keep me updated. If you know anybody in the sea or the tomb quadrants, let me know.

  Gwen: 10-4. There’s a coral reef ringing the island. You can see it from the shore. I’ve seen sharks and jellyfish. Don’t know where the sea castle is. Ain’t seen nothing on the water’s surface yet. Don’t know shit about the tomb, but there are lots of entrances we can’t get into. It looks like it’s a maze inside. After that last floor, I ain’t too keen on going in there.

  Carl: Roger that.

  Fifteen days suddenly seemed like an impossibly-short time.

  Post nap, we reset our buffs. After a quick discussion with Mordecai, we decided we needed to keep up our strict training schedule. Katia and Donut hit the training room while I returned to the village. We gave Mordecai our environmental coupons and several hundred thousand gold. He and Donut were going to purchase the store interface and kitchen upgrade. Donut also wanted one of the social upgrades, something that’d allow us to see messages from followers. None of us except her thought it was a good idea, and she’d been pouting about it for an hour straight.