Vice and Verdict

by Nic Saint

  I slumped down in a chair in the kitchen, and watched and listened to our grandmother admonish Rodrick, who’d come racing into the house ahead of Calvin and Brice, after hitching a ride home with his two brothers.

  “But I don’t want to go to my room!” Rodrick was yelling. “I’m hungry!”

  “No supper for you today, you little rascal,” Grandma insisted.

  “But if I can’t have supper what am I going to eat?” he asked logically.

  “Nothing. You’re not going to eat a single thing.”

  “But why? I’m hungry!”

  “Mrs. Rinsky called.”

  “Oh,” he said, his lips forming a perfect O.

  “She told me you ‘liberated’ Mayor MacDonald’s parrot?”

  “I freed him. The poor thing was locked up in a cage. So Barnum and me decided to set him free. You should have seen him, Gran. He was so happy!”

  “Be that as it may, he wasn’t your parrot to set free. Moe belongs to Mayor MacDonald. You could have caused him to lose his parrot.”

  “But Moe asked us to!”

  Grandma frowned. “He did?”

  “Sure. He said, ‘Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss.’”

  “That doesn’t sound like a bird begging to be set free.”

  “It’s parrot speak for ‘Gimme my freedom. Give me my freedom.’”

  “Of course it is,” she said dryly. “I want you to go up to your room and think about what you’ve done.”

  “I already thought about it and I like it.”

  “Think about it some more.”

  “But Grandma!”

  “And I want you to think about what you did to my shoes.”

  His eyes went wide. “You saw that?”

  “I most certainly did. And next time you put my shoes in the washer you’re grounded for a month!”

  “But I only wanted to make them clean!”

  “Grounded for a month! Now get up there and not another word!”

  “Oh, all right.” He stomped out, then turned around. “I thought you should know I did another good deed today.”

  Alarmed, Grandma stared at her grandson. “Another good deed?”

  “Yup.”

  “And who’s the victim this time? One of your brothers?”

  “Nope.”

  “Your sister?”

  “Nope. Though I’m sure she will be happy, too.”

  “Tell me what you did, Rodrick. Tell me right this instance!”

  “No, I won’t,” he said, stomping up the stairs. “But I’m sure Logan will be very happy!”

  When Grandma joined me in the kitchen, she was shaking her head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with that boy. Now he says he did a good deed for Logan. I can only imagine what that could be.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine,” I assured her. “He likes Logan. He thinks he’s RoboCop.”

  “When you see Logan, tell him to be careful, will you? Who knows what Rodrick did.”

  As my brothers drifted into the kitchen, we all started preparing dinner together. We’ve discovered that when we cooperate we get to eat a lot faster, and Grandma has gotten over her initial concern that my brothers are all thumbs when it comes to cooking. Now we decide what dish we’re going to prepare, divvy up the tasks, and get to it. And we have a lot of fun, too.

  The only one not joining us this evening was Lucien, who seemed to be too busy with his videos. And Rodrick, of course. Then again, Rodrick is usually banned from the kitchen during dinner prep, as he has a habit of poking his head in the oven when it’s blazing, putting his hands on the hot plates to check the temperature, and grabbing an onion just when I’m about to slice it. Come to think of it, a kitchen can be a danger zone to a ten-year-old, especially when his name is Rodrick.

  “So how are things between you and Logan?” asked Calvin, without looking up from the sauce he was preparing.

  “Things are fine,” I said, not wanting to delve into the topic in front of my brothers.

  “What were you doing holed up in your office like that?” Brice wanted to know.

  “We were discussing the case,” I said curtly.

  “Discussing the case. So that’s what you kids call it nowadays, huh?” asked Calvin with a smirk.

  “I can assure you that things between Logan and me are strictly platonic at this point.”

  “Serves him right for standing you up like that,” said Dalton, who was one of Logan’s biggest fans but still not blind to the man’s many faults.

  “Thanks, Dalton,” I said. It was nice to know my brother had my back.

  “Of course. My first loyalty is with my family,” said Dalton. “So as long as you and Logan aren’t married, my loyalty lies with you. That will all change the moment you tie the knot. I will have to seriously rethink my priorities.”

  “Logan and I are not tying the knot. Not now, not ever,” I assured him.

  “It will be nice to have another man in the family,” said Dalton, ignoring my outburst.

  “And what am I, a potted plant?” asked Calvin.

  “Yeah, aren’t we man enough for you?” asked Brice.

  “You know what I mean,” said Dalton. “Logan is a real man. You guys are…” He thought for a moment. “Fake men.”

  “Fake men?”

  “Yeah. Like fake meat? It might look the same, but it doesn’t taste the same.”

  For the next half hour the discussion turned to the difference between real men and fake men, a debate I wasn’t going to wade into and neither was Gran.

  “So where’s Logan?” asked Gran. “I thought he was coming over for dinner?”

  “I didn’t invite him,” I said.

  “And why not?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t think it’s healthy to make a habit of him coming over. I mean, it’s not as if he’s part of this family or anything.”

  Grandma gave me a sideways glance. “He could be, you know.”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

  “We all like him,” said Gran, slicing a tomato and flicking the chunks into a bowl.

  “I don’t think so,” I repeated.

  After Logan’s wishy-washy attitude, I didn’t trust him. I didn’t know if I ever would trust him. He was a great cop and a great guy, but not exactly boyfriend material.

  “Is he by any chance a handy Harry? If he is, you might want to give him a second chance. A handyman would come in right handy right now, seeing as Diffley Manor is quickly turning into one big money pit and your brothers are all blessed with two left hands.”

  “So you would sacrifice your granddaughter’s pride for the sake of attracting free labor, is that it?”

  “Of course I would. Do you know how much a good roofer costs?”

  I shook my head but couldn’t suppress a smile. Gran was right. The Diffleys could use a real man in the house. Though I wasn’t sure my brothers would agree with that assessment. Nor was I sure Logan would agree with the role Gran had in mind for him. Me? I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

  Chapter 32

  After dinner we all trooped into the family room to watch some television. Well, all of us except Rodrick, of course, who was still grounded over his good deed streak. And Calvin, who was out on a date with Rosa Nappe of Long Life Insurance. Something that made Brice and Dalton eye their brother with a certain measure of envy.

  I lay languidly on the couch, munching on some popcorn I’d found at the back of the kitchen cupboard. It was a little stale but still fine for human consumption. The movie our resident movie buff Brice had selected was Multiplicity—Michael Keaton at his funniest. Keaton plays Doug, an overworked and overtaxed family man-slash-constructor who’s got so much on his plate he decides to create a clone. Soon the trouble begins, as his clone clones himself, and that clone ends up cloning himself, too, so that now there are three Dougs living over Original Doug’s garage. The final Doug, copy of a copy of a copy, has some issues, to put it mildly, and turns out to be a bi
t of a tool.

  The movie was hilarious, and my brothers laughed uproariously throughout—even Lucien, who kept saying he should be editing his own masterpiece, but couldn’t tear himself away. Even Gran laughed heartily.

  Jerome? Not so much. Instead, he stretched himself out at our feet, and proceeded to push out farts at a healthy clip, until Gran had to open a window.

  As the movie progressed, I couldn’t help but reflect on the murder case I was supposed to be solving. I went through the list of people we’d interviewed in connection with the case, and couldn’t figure out what might have happened. They all had motive, but they also had some great alibis. And I was about to give up when suddenly I got an idea.

  A rare flash of intelligence that lit up my muddled brain.

  Before this fabulous idea slipped my mind—as fabulous ideas tend to do—I decided to jot it down on a piece of paper. That task accomplished, the movie over and my brain power spent, we all decided to turn in for the night.

  We stumbled into our respective rooms, and apart from Dalton yelling, “Good night, John Boy!” soon the house was quiet and not a creature—or even Rodrick—stirred.

  In spite of the fact that I was bone tired, I had a hard time finding sleep. I even got up in what felt like the middle of the night, and sat on the window seat, knees drawn up to my chest, staring out into the dark black night.

  This was only my second case, but already I was starting to feel I was in way over my head.

  I’d always dreamed of the moment I’d be inducted into the family firm, and had peppered my brothers and Grandma with questions from the moment I could talk about the mysterious goings-on at Diffley Insurance and the karma business my brothers somehow seemed entrenched in. I just couldn’t wait to learn everything there was to know and fully embrace my heritage. Now, though, I didn’t know if that had been such a good idea after all. Maybe I was simply a flake—and last time I’d managed to solve a case had been a fluke?

  And I was still gazing out into the night, when my eyes gently drooped closed and I fell asleep right there. I imagined strong hands carrying me to bed and tucking me in but that was just a dream, as none of my brothers would bother to do such a thing, and the only man who might bother wasn’t present.

  When the next morning I found myself in my own bed, I couldn’t help but wonder if Logan had been my midnight prince, or I’d gotten into bed myself.

  Chapter 33

  At the breakfast table I discovered the note I’d written to myself the night before, tacked to the bulletin board in the kitchen. It read, ‘Doubles!!!!!!’

  I stared at the note for a while, wondering what on earth I could have meant by it, but then it all came back to me: Michael Keaton and his clones.

  In a moment of exuberance, I yelled, “Eureka!” and made my brothers look up from their breakfast cereal.

  “Eurewhat?” asked Brice.

  “Eureka! I think I’ve got it. Or at least I’ve got something.”

  “You’re going to accept Logan’s invitation to take you to dinner and a movie?” asked Lucien.

  “Of course not,” I said, and was rewarded with a smile. Since he’d gotten over his crush, Logan had become persona non grata with the budding vlogger, and my refusal to date the man met with his absolute approval.

  I took a seat at the sturdy kitchen table that has served generations of Diffleys. On the roof, the merry band of roofers could be heard hammering away, like they’d done since dawn, and the sound added to my sense of well-being.

  “How are you feeling, sis?” asked Calvin.

  There was a rare note of concern in his voice that I met with a cheery, “Never better. Why do you ask?”

  “Because when I found you last night you sat crumpled on the window seat in your room.”

  I stared at him. “You tucked me in?”

  “Well, someone had to,” he said a little defensively.

  “Oh,” I said. “I thought… I’d dreamed that.”

  “I saw your silhouette in the window when I came home after dropping Rosa off at her place,” he explained. “I was wondering why you were still up so I knocked on your door to see if you were okay. When no answer came, I came in and saw you’d fallen asleep. So I figured I’d do my good deed of the day and put you to bed. You looked pretty chilled.”

  Rodrick gave his brother a look of surprise. “You did a good deed?”

  “Yes, I did,” Calvin acknowledged, after I gave him a grateful glance. “You see, good deeds aren’t just for kids but for us grown-ups, too. Only before we do a good deed we first think things through, and make sure that our good deed doesn’t cause more trouble than it’s worth.”

  Rodrick nodded thoughtfully, and I wondered if he got the message.

  “So what have you got planned for today?” asked Dalton. “More people to interview, suspects to meet? My case to solve?”

  “I think I might be on to something,” I said. “Remember the movie we saw last night?”

  “You saw a movie without me?” asked Rodrick. “No fair!”

  “Once you stop bothering people you won’t be sent up to your room,” said Gran.

  Rodrick took a big bite of his sandwich—so big that for a moment he was incapable of responding. It was obvious he was famished. When finally the bite was swallowed down, he said, “From now on I’ll do just like Calvin does. I’ll think about my good deeds before I do them.”

  “Even better would be if you dropped doing good deeds altogether,” Grandma admonished him.

  “But I have to do good deeds!” said Rodrick. “That’s what being a Boy Scout is all about. Our patrol leader said scouts have to do a good deed every day!”

  Maybe sending Rodrick to the Boy Scouts had not been such a good idea after all. Grandma had done it for the sake of channeling our kid brother’s vast energy, but it appeared he was channeling it in all the wrong directions.

  “You were saying about the movie?” asked Brice, not to be sidelined when his favorite topic was discussed.

  “Right,” I said. “Remember how Michael Keaton keeps cloning himself? Well, I was thinking—what if one of our suspects cloned him or herself to provide him or herself with an alibi?”

  The others all stared at me, not comprehending. “Huh?” Dalton finally said, speaking for all of them.

  I waved my hands about in an attempt to make my meaning clear. “I mean, some of our suspects are really great suspects, right? Like, super suspects. But they have alibis that absolutely rule them out. What if one of them hired a body double and provided themselves with an alibi that way?”

  Calvin shook his head. “Sounds pretty far-fetched, Saffie.”

  “Yeah, I think that’s gonna lead you on a wild goose chase,” Brice chimed in. “I mean, I love the metaphor, but you’re clutching at straws here, darling.”

  “I like it,” said Dalton. “It’s got a sensational ring to it.”

  I eyed Lucien hopefully. “What do you think, Lucien?”

  He shrugged. “Since we’re pretty much stuck at this point, I’m willing to chase any lead, no matter how far-fetched it may sound. I’m in.”

  Brice tapped the table. “You know there’s an agency in town that provides doubles? Like, a celebrity doubles and lookalikes agency?”

  “There is?” I asked, hopeful.

  “Yup. You can hire your double for parties, for a joke, for a prank—anything. I think it’s called…” He thought hard for a moment. “Double Trouble or something. I’d have to check it out.”

  “Please do,” I said. I darted a look at Lucien. “And then you and me can go check it out. Can you line up pictures of all the people we talked to so far? That way we can show them to these Double Trouble people and ask them if anyone has hired a double in the last few days.”

  Lucien wiped his lips with his napkin. “I will get right on it.”

  “I mean, it’s a long shot, but right now it’s all we’ve got, right?”

  “I think you’re going to solve this
case, Saffron,” said Rodrick fervently. “I believe in you, sis.”

  I smiled at my little brother. “Why, thank you, Rodrick. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in ages.”

  He gave me a radiant smile. “Consider it my good deed for the day!”

  Chapter 34

  This time, as we rode into town, I was behind the wheel and Lucien was riding shotgun, checking the pictures he’d collected on his phone.

  “I think they came out rather nice,” he said, flipping through them. “I just hope you’re right about this doubles thing.”

  “We’ll find out when we get there,” I said. But the closer we got to the doubles agency, the more I was starting to think this was a bad idea. “You know? Why don’t we forget about it? This isn’t going to get us anywhere.”

  “No, I think we have to see this through,” Lucien said, surprising me. “You got this idea for a reason, Saffie. I mean, you have to trust your instincts. That’s why we are karma agents, because we have those fine-honed instincts.”

  I gave him a skeptical look. “Fine-honed instincts, my tush. We’ve been going around in circles and we’re still nowhere near solving this case.”

  “And neither is the police—who are supposed to be the professionals,” he pointed out. “So give yourself some credit, sis, and follow through on your hunches. They may not lead us to the killer straightaway, but maybe it will lead us to the next clue, and then the next, and then the one after that, and eventually, through the sheer power of elimination, we’ll get our guy.”

  I was surprised by the common sense Lucien suddenly displayed.

  “What happened to you all of a sudden?” I asked.

  “Mh?” He looked up from his perusal of our list of suspects.

  “What made you so smart all of a sudden?”

  “Oh, I did some thinking last night.”

  “Did it hurt?”

  “Ha ha. Very funny. Yes, as a matter of fact it hurt. My pride, more specifically. I realized I’ve approached this endeavor entirely the wrong way.”