Hitting a Straight Lick with a Crooked Stick

by Zora Neale Hurston

  Then did the throat parch and the tongue was thrust into the cheek of many voters.

  And men grew restless and went up and down in the land saying, “We are verily the dry-bones of which the prophet Ezekiel prophesied.”

  Then returned one called Toothsome unto his town of Standard Bottom, which is in the province of Georgia. And he was of the tribe of Ham.

  And his raiment was very glad, for he had sojourned in the city of Babylon, which is ruled by the tribe of Tammany. And his garments putteth out the street lamps, and the Vaseline upon his head, yea verily the slickness thereof did outshine the sun at noonday.

  And the maidens looked upon him and were glad, but the men gnasheth together their bridgework at [the] sight of him. But they drew near to him and listened to his accounts of the doings of Babylon, for they all yearned unto that city.

  And the mouth of Toothsome flapped loudly and fluently in the marketplace, and the envy of his hearers increased an hundredfold.

  Then stood one youth before him, and his name was called Mandolin. And he questioned Toothsome eagerly, asking ‘how come,’ and ‘wherefore’ many times.

  And Toothsome answered him according to his wit. Moreover he said unto the youth, “Come thou also to the city as unto the ant, and consider her ways and be wise.”

  And the heart of Mandolin was inflamed, and he stood before his father and said, “I beseech thee now, papa, to give unto me my portion that I may go hence to great Babylon and see life.”

  But his father’s heart yearned towards him, and he said, “Nay, my son, for Babylon is full of wickedness, and thou art but a youth.”

  But Mandolin answered him saying, “I crave to gaze upon its sins. What do you think I go to see, an prayer-meeting?”

  But his father strove with him and said, “Why dost thou crave Babylon when Gussie Smith, the daughter of our neighbor, will make thee a good wife? Tarry now and take her to wife, for verily she is a mighty biscuit cooker before the Lord.”

  Then snorted Mandolin with scorn and said, “What care I for biscuit-cookers when there be Shebas of high voltage on every street in Harlem? For verily man liveth not on bread alone, but by every drop of banana oil that drippeth from the tongue of the lovely.”

  Then strove they together all night. But at daybreak did Mandolin touch the old man on the hip, yea verily upon the pocket-bearing joint, and triumphed.

  So the father gave him his blessing, and he departed out of Standard Bottom on his journey to Babylon.

  And he carried with him of dreams of forty-and-four thousand, and of wishes of ten thousands, and of hopes ten thousands.

  But of tears or sorrows carried he none out of all that land. Neither bore he any fears away with him.

  And journeyed he many days upon the caravan of steel, and came at last unto the city of Babylon, and got him down within the place.

  Then rushed there many upon him who wore scarlet caps upon the head, saying, “Porter? Shall I tote thy bags for thee?”

  And he marvelled greatly within himself, saying, “How charitably are the Babylonians, seeing they permit no stranger to tote his own bag! With what great kindness am I met!”

  And he suffered one to prevail and tote his bag for him. Moreover he questioned him concerning the way to Harlem which is a city of Ham in Babylonia.

  And when he of the scarlet cap had conducted Mandolin unto a bus, then did Mandolin shake hands with him and thank him greatly for his kindness, and stepped upon the chariot as it rolled away, and took his way unto Harlem.

  Then did the bag-toter blaspheme greatly, saying, “Oh, the cock-eyed son of a wood louse! Oh, the hawg! Oh, the sea-buzzard! Oh, the splay-footed son of a doodle bug and cock-roach! What does he take me for? The mule’s daddy! The clod-hopper! If only I might lay my hands upon him, verily would I smite him, yea, until he smelt like onions!”

  But Mandolin journeyed on to Harlem, knowing none of these things.

  And when he came unto the place, he lodged himself with Toothsome, and was glad.

  And each evening stood he before the Lafayette Theatre and a-hemmed at the knees that passed, but none took notice of him. Moreover flashed he the chicken feed which he possessed, but none turned the head except to snigger at him.

  Moreover, one frail of exceeding sassiness bade him go to and cook an radish, and seat himself upon an tack, which being interpreted is slander.

  Then went he unto his roommate and saith, “How now doth the damsel think me? Have I not a smiling countenance, and coin in my jeans? My heart is heavy for I sojourned in Harlem for many weeks, but as yet I have spoken to no female.”

  Then spoke Toothsome, and answered him saying, “Seek not swell Shebas in mail-order britches. Go thou into the marketplace and get thee Oxford bags and jacket thyself likewise. Procure thee shoes and socks. Yea, anoint thy head with oil until it runneth over so that thou not dare hurl thyself into bed unless thou wear weed chains upon the head, lest thou skid out again.

  Moreover lubricate thy tongue with banana oil, for from the oily lips proceedth the breath of love.”

  And Mandolin hastened to do all that his counselor bade him.

  Then hied him to the hall of dancing where many leaped with the cymbal, and shook with the drums.

  And his belly was moved, for he saw young men seize upon damsels and they stood upon the floor and “messed around” meanly. Moreover many “bumped” them vehemently. Yea, there were those among him who shook with many shakings.

  And when he saw all of these things, Mandolin yearned within his heart to do likewise, but as yet he had spoken to no maiden.

  But one damsel of scarlet lips smiled broadly upon him, and encouraged him with her eyes, and the water of his knees turned to bone, and he drew nigh unto her.

  And his mouth flew open and he said, “See now how the others do dance with the cymbal and the harp, yea even the saxophone? Come thou and let us do likewise.”

  And he drew her and they stood upon the floor. Now this maiden was a mighty dancer before the Lord; yea of the mightiest of all the tribe of Ham. And the shakings of the others was as one stricken with paralysis beside a bowl of gelatine. And the heart of the youth leaped for joy.

  And he was emboldened, and his mouth flew open and the banana oil did drip from his lips, yea even down to the floor, and the maiden was moved.

  And he said, “Thou sure art propaganda! Yea, verily thou shakest a wicked ankle.”

  And she being pleased, answered him, “Thou art some sheik thyself. I do shoot a little pizen to de ankle if I do say so myself. Where hast thou been all my life that I have not seen thee?”

  Then did his mouth fly open, and he told her everything of Standard Bottom, Georgia, and of Babylon, and of all those things which touched him.

  And her heart yearned towards him, and she resolved to take him unto herself and to make him wise.

  And she said unto him, “Go thou and buy the books and writings of certain scribes and Pharisees which I shall name unto you, and thou shalt learn everything of good and evil. Yea, thou shalt learn as much as the Chief of Niggerati, who is called Carl Van Vetchen.”

  And Mandolin diligently sought all these books and writings that he was bidden, and read them.

  Then he was sought for all feasts, and stomps, and shakings, and none was complete without him. Both on 139th street and on Lenox avenue he was sought, and his fame was great.

  And his name became Panic, for they asked one or the other, “Is he not a riot in all that he doeth?”

  Then did he devise poetry, and played it upon the piano, saying,

  “Skirt by skirt on every flirt

  They’re getting higher and higher

  Day by day in every way

  There’s more to admire

  Sock by sock and knee by knee

  The more they show, the more we see

  The skirts run up, the socks run down

  Jingling bells run round and round

  Oh week by week, and day by day


  Let’s hope that things keep on this way

  Let’s kneel right down and pray.”

  And the women all sought him, the damsels and the matrons and the grandmothers and all those who wear the skirt, and with them his name was continually Panic.

  And all the men sought him because his raiment was such that all knew from them the styles which would come to pass.

  And he roomed no more with Toothsome, but had unto himself swell lodgings. But one day Toothsome sought him and asked,

  “How now dost thou come to Harlem and become Panic unto the virgin, and the matron, and the grandmatron, and unto the sheik and the Niggerati (which being interpreted means Negro literati) and unto all those above 125th street? In all my years in Babylon none has called me thus.”

  And Mandolin, who is called Panic, answered him, “In my early days in Babylon was I taught to subscribe to Vanity Fair, and to read it diligently, for no man may know his way about Babylon without it.”

  Then did a great light dawn upon him called Toothsome, and he rushed forth to subscribe to the perfect magazine.

  And of his doings and success after that, is it not written in the Book of Harlem?

  The Book of Harlem

  CHAPTER I.

  1. Jazzbo counteth the shekels of his father and resolveth to depart for Harlem. 10. Whamm blesseth him. 14. He cometh to Harlem. 18. He learneth modern ways and disporteth himself.

  Now in those days did one who had travelled far return unto his native land, even Waycross, Georgia, and say unto the youths thereof: hearken and behold for I have travelled much, even to great Babylon, and to a division of that city called Harlem, and beheld there many browns of exceeding sharpness, yea even pink mamas of beauty that maketh the heart glad.

  Thus spake he, and moreover told them many things that made their hearts burn within them with envy of him.

  And many yearned to go forth as he did to the great Babylon, but they lacked shekels of silver and the greens of sufficient length to provide transportation thereto.

  But came one called Jazzbo, the son of Whamm, and hearkened unto the one who spake unto them and he said in his heart that he would go, for Whamm had many shekels.

  Then spake he to his father thus: “lo, I am become a man. Shall I not go forth and seek my fortune, and perchance find a maiden of exceeding virtue that I may take her to wife?”

  “Perhaps,” saith his father, “but wherefore goeth thou to a far city to seek a wife among Jezebels, when there be Cora, thy neighbor’s daughter, a damsel of great piety, who wilt bear thee many sons, and moreover, she is a mighty biscuit-cooker before the Lord.”

  Then did Jazzbo stand before his father and snort with scorn, saying, “Wherefore must I wed a cooker of biscuits when I crave not bread? Behold, man was not made to live by bread alone, but upon every thrill that proceedeth from life. Go to, now, wherefore should I marry that drink of boiled water, when in great Babylon there are females that are as a cocktail to the tonsils?”

  When Whamm heard all this, then did he rend his garments, for he was greatly troubled.

  Then when he had yielded, did Jazzbo ask of him a mighty check, saying that the squabs and chickens of Harlem would require corn. But Whamm understood none of these sayings and puzzled greatly.

  But the next morning he arose and gave Jazzbo the check and sent him away.

  Then hastened the young man to Babylon, and descended at a great meeting place of trains called Pennsylvania Station, and there fell many porters upon him, even those who wear the cap of scarlet upon the head, crying, “Porter? Gimme that bag that I may bear it for thee.” And they strove among themselves, but one prevailed and bore his baggage for him.

  And when they had come outside the station to the chariot called the bus, then did Jazzbo shake the extended hand of the porter and thank him earnestly, for his great kindness, and he marveled at the great attention and favor shown the comer to Babylon, and seeing that the chariot moved away, he mounted himself with all his upon it and rode away, leaving naught of tips behind him.

  Then did the porter grow full of wrath and utter many blasphemies concerning Jazzbo, saying, “The low-down son of a cockroach! What does the splay-footed son of a woodlouse take me for? The bastard!” And many other blasphemies did he utter, but Jazzbo heard none of these things for he was on his route to the great Harlem.

  And when he had sojourned among the Harlemites for a space, he went forth upon the streets of the city and gazed upon the damsels, and behold, they were fair, and Jazzbo’s heart was glad within him that he had come.

  And he smiled upon many as they passed, for verily the green of his father, yea, even his shekels, burned his pockets, and he said ‘ahem’ and cleared his throat at many but none smiled upon him. But one maiden of great sassiness turned upon him and bade him go and cook a radish and he went home with his heart heavy within him.

  Then spake he to his room-mate and said, “Alas I have journeyed to rejoice with the maidens, but as yet none have smiled upon me. Have I not shekels in my pockets? Am I not young? Have I the face of a monkey that none wilt flirt with me[?] O sleeper on the bed next to mine, tell me how come!”

  Then did his room-mate enlighten him, saying, “Seek not a swell sheba in mail-order britches. Go to, get thyself Oxford bags of exceeding bagginess, and procure thyself much haberdashery. Moreover, seek out the shop of hair cutting and those that do massage and manicure, and see that thy hair is of such slickness that thou dare not hurl thyself into the bed lest thou wear weed chains, for verily thou shalt skid out again. Then hie thee to the halls of dancing, even the tabernacles of jazz, and there learn to wiggle thy ankles, meanly. Moreover oil thy tongue with bananas, and gargle thy throat with flapdoodle so that verily a line shall proceed from thy mouth every time thou come into the presence of females. Then shall the damsels prize thee mightily and fawn upon thee, and shall say thou art sharp as a tack. Then take thou thy choice, for thou art young and full of manly beauty.”

  Jazzbo did all these things that his friend counseled him and when he gazed upon himself in the glass, he leaped for joy.

  Then came he to the hall of dancing, and heard there many horns that hooted and wailed, and the snort of drums and the clang of cymbals. And his foot awoke and patted the floor unceasingly and he beat upon his breast because he knew not how to dance.

  There came to him waiters, even those who serve upon the table, and angered him with their overcharging and impudence, for their heads are made of wood, but verily their tongues are made of brass.

  Now, when the trumpets sounded, even the saxophones, then the multitude arose, two by two and stood upon the floor and shook with many shakings.

  And some there were who jigg-walked with spirit, and some among them who performed the mess-around with great vehemence, and yet others who bumped-the-bump meanly with beautiful maidens and bumped them even to the Baltimore bump and were glad.

  Then did Jazzbo yearn within his liver and tear his hair because he knew not how to do thus.

  But a maiden with pomegranate lips called to him with her eyes and they said, ‘come let us also stand upon the floor and do thus,’ but he was afraid. Nevertheless went he over and stood before her and said, “Wilt thou forgive thy servant for being so brash as to speak to thee without an introduction?”

  But the maiden’s lips brushed aside his murmurings and they stood upon the floor and she taught him many dances and they bumped meanly together with great accord, yea, messed around.

  And the maiden parked her head upon his shoulder and his mouth flew open and he told her all about his father’s shekels, and she loved him. Then did he oil his jaws with banana oil and delight her ears so that she dreamed of coats of the fur of mink and sedans of twelve cylinders, and fine jewels and costly raiment. But he sheiked her thus to air out his line of stuff, and when he saw that it worked, he was glad. So they both returned to their abode and were satisfied.

  Then he thought no more of her and when the night came
again, went to another tabernacle of joy and did the same. Thus did he for many nights.

  Then when he had dwelt in the land of the Harlemites for many months and had learned many things, even to wise-cracking, then did he forget that he was a hick (which being interpreted, means dweller-in-the-tall-grass), and he read diligently the chronicles of his fathers, and they were full of begats, and resolved within his heart to take unto himself a wife and begat sons and daughters to inherit his shekels after him.

  Then he opened his mouth and said unto his room-mate, even he who slept on the next bed, “Tell me how I shall find a maiden, one of exceeding virtue, that I may take her to wife? And how shall the Lord reveal to me that she is an virgin, that I may know?”

  “Ha! Ask the maiden herself, and she shall tell thee.” Thus spake his friend without laughter and Jazzbo was satisfied. For he knew, now, many beautiful maidens who pleased him and he said, “Truly man lives not by bread alone, but by every drop of banana oil that falls from the lips of the lovely.”

  And it came to pass that that very night he called upon a damsel of great beauty and he asked her if she be a virgin and she answered him yes, and so they were married and he bought her fur of the mink, and much fine raiment and a sedan of twelve cylinders, and for many years they kept a cat and a poodle.

  SELAH

  The Back Room

  Lilya Barkman, born Lillie Barker, stood in the little alcove just off her luxurious parlor. She was looking at a large oil painting of herself, and a man stood beside her, looking and admiring.

  “You always were a peach, Lilya, and Porter David has you on the canvas as you are. When you grow old, if you ever do, you can take pleasure in showing the world that you had the world in a jug once.”

  “Bill Cameron, I ask you with my feet turned out if that is nice. You know how I hate discussing age. I’m going to be young till I’m ninety, then I’m going to turn to something good to eat—never going to be old. That is why I haven’t married, it ages a woman so—worrying with a house and husband at the same time.”