Hitting a Straight Lick with a Crooked Stick

by Zora Neale Hurston

  “You ain’t got no business choppin’ wood, and you know it.”

  “How come? Ah been choppin’ it for de last longest.”

  “Ah ain’t blind. You makin’ feet for shoes.”

  “Won’t you be glad to have a lil baby chile, Joe?”

  “You know dat ’thout astin’ me.”

  “Iss gointer be a boy chile and de very spit of you.”

  “You reckon, Missie May?”

  “Who else could it look lak?”

  Joe said nothing, but he thrust his hand deep into his pocket and fingered something there.

  It was almost six months later Missie May took to bed and Joe went and got his mother to come wait on the house.

  Missie May was delivered of a fine boy. Her travail was over when Joe came in from work one morning. His mother and the old women were drinking great bowls of coffee around the fire in the kitchen.

  The minute Joe came into the room his mother called him aside.

  “How did Missie May make out?” he asked quickly.

  “Who, dat gal? She strong as a ox. She gointer have plenty mo’. We done fixed her wid de sugar and lard to sweeten her for de nex’ one.”

  Joe stood silent awhile.

  “You ain’t ast ’bout de baby, Joe. You oughter be mighty proud cause he sho is de spittin’ image of yuh, son. Dat’s yourn all right, if you never git another one, dat un is yourn. And you know Ah’m mighty proud too, son, cause Ah never thought well of you marryin’ Missie May cause her ma used tuh fan her foot round right smart and Ah been mighty skeered dat Missie May wuz gointer git misput on her road.”

  Joe said nothing. He fooled around the house till late in the day then just before he went to work, he went and stood at the front of the bed and asked his wife how she felt. He did this every day during the week.

  On Saturday he went to Orlando to make his market. It had been a long time since he had done that.

  Meat and lard, meal and flour, soap and starch. Cans of corn and tomatoes. All the staples. He fooled around town for awhile and bought bananas and apples. Way after while he went around to the candy store.

  “Hello, Joe,” the clerk greeted him. “Ain’t seen you in a long time.”

  “Nope, Ah ain’t been heah. Been round in spots and places.”

  “Want some of them molasses kisses you always buy?”

  “Yessuh.” He threw the gilded half dollar on the counter. “Will dat spend?”

  “Whut is it, Joe? Well, I’ll be doggone! A gold-plated four-bit piece. Where’d you git it, Joe?”

  “Offen a stray nigger dat come through Eatonville. He had it on his watch chain for a charm—goin’ round making out iss gold money. Ha ha! He had a quarter on his tie pin and it wuz all golded up too. Tryin’ to fool people. Makin’ out he so rich and everything. Ha! Ha! Tryin’ to tole off folkses wives from home.”

  “How did you git it, Joe? Did he fool you, too?”

  “Who, me? Naw suh! He ain’t fooled me none. Know whut Ah done? He come round me wid his smart talk. Ah hauled off and knocked ’im down and took his old four-bits way from ’im. Gointer buy my wife some good ole lasses kisses wid it. Gimme fifty cents worth of dem candy kisses.”

  “Fifty cents buys a mighty lot of candy kisses, Joe. Why don’t you split it up and take some chocolate bars, too. They eat good, too.”

  “Yessuh, dey do, but Ah wants all dat in kisses. Ah got a lil boy chile home now. Tain’t a week old yet, but he kin suck a sugar tit and maybe eat one them kisses hisself.”

  Joe got his candy and left the store. The clerk turned to the next customer. “Wisht I could be like those darkies. Laughin’ all the time. Nothin’ worries ’em.”

  Back in Eatonville, Joe reached his own front door. There was the ring of singing metal on wood. Fifteen times. Missie May couldn’t run to the door, but she crept there as quickly as she could.

  “Joe Banks, Ah hear you chunkin’ money in mah do’way. You wait till Ah got mah strength back and Ah’m gointer fix you for dat.”

  She Rock

  1. Hiram offereth Oscar a job in Harlem and 7. Oscar answereth him and complaineth that his wife is strong of mind and arm. 14. Hiram showeth Oscar a way of escape and Oscar accepteth it. 19. Cal’line casteth down their plan and goeth to Babylon with them. 26. Hiram comforteth Oscar. 28. Oscar goeth hot cha-cha. 30. Ethel Waters prophesieth in Babylon and Oscar harkeneth unto her. 34. He meeteth a damsel who changeth his name to “Gang.” He pranceth with her and is glad. 36. Cal’line saith nothing and Oscar singeth of his triumph. 38. Oscar buyeth his Sheba a fur coat. 40. Cal’line findeth mouth paint and accuseth Oscar. 42. He bawleth her out and departeth to the feast of Thanksgiving. 46. Cal’line cometh with an axe and breaketh up the party. 57. Oscar resolveth to return to Sanford. 59. Hiram enquireth of him and is answered.

  * * *

  The word came to Hiram, son of Mimms, in Sanford which lieth near Orlando in Florida, saying,

  Arise, hitch up thy britches and go unto thy brother, the same which is called Oscar, and dwelleth nigh thee.

  And when thou comest to his house thou shalt say unto him, thus saith Mister Charlie, the same which hireth me and many others, behold he hath covenanted with Kings and Princes in Great Babylon, that mother of the Empire State building and divers other towers.

  And he hath made writings with them that he shall do thus and thus that they may pay him many sheckels and the Princes of Babylon hath answered him yea.

  Now therefore requireth he many men of weak brains and strong backs such as thou art that he may perform his vows unto the Princes that sit in Wall Street.

  If thou wilt go with us open thy mouth and speak so shall he enter thy name upon the scroll of them that toteth brick and beareth the hod upon the shoulder.

  Then did Oscar the brother of Hiram speak and answer him saying, “Yea, verily my soul cleaveth to that city upon the Hudson and my feet yearneth to journey thither, but lo, thou knowest that I be married unto a woman called Cal’line.

  Yea, likewise thou knowest that she beeth an oppressive female that lifteth her voice in all things and prevaileth against me.

  Behold how she crieth not like unto other women when I strive against her with mine fists. Nay, she weepeth not, but verily taketh stove-wood in the left hand and weighteth the right hand with iron and smiteth me hip and thigh.”

  Then spake Hiram and answered. “All these things have been revealed unto me. Did I not behold thee fleeing before her in the evenings, and humbling thyself in the mornings?

  Know thou not that thou hast divorce in thy heel? Who shall find thee in Great Babylon? Who shall discover thy hiding place in Harlem?”

  But Oscar was afraid and said, “even so, she shall find me. It hath become a saying in the streets of Sanford, Oscar loveth many women but Cal’line findeth him ever and lifteth up her mighty hand.

  Therefore have I likened her unto iron and compared her unto a stone; saying, lo I am married unto an she-rock. It hath become a saying in the streets of Sanford and a mockery in the high places thereof.”

  Then strove Hiram with Oscar mightily for he would that his brother depart from his wife unknowing unto her and sojourn in the city of Babylon. Saying thus shalt thou escape her and love women as thy heart wills, seeing she is opposed to thy desires.

  So he prevailed over his brother Oscar and Oscar said him yea. Thus drank he many fingers of moonshine and swallowed much coon-dick. For it is written that corn giveth courage to the soul but coon-dick maketh glad the heart.

  Therefore on the sixth day departed Oscar with all his goods, yea verily his belts and britches with the shirts of many colors, and cometh to the dwelling of Hiram that they might set out upon the journey together.

  Then rejoiced they among themselves and said God is with us. Now shall Oscar rejoice in his singleness upon the railroad and dance without Cal’line in Harlem. Yea verily, the she-rock is swallowed up in loneliness, the immovable woman shall be desolate.

  Let it not be
sung in the streets of Sanford that Cal’line prevailed over Oscar forever, for he shall cherish divers women in Harlem. While she of great strength waileth in Sanford. Selah.

  But when they cometh to [the] railroad station where meeteth the great behemoths of steel, that bloweth out smoke from the nostrils; whose belly is full of steam,

  There sitteth Cal’line there before them. She hath also borne with her baggage for a great journey.

  Then would Oscar have fled, but he was sore afraid neither asked he of her, “woman what doest thou here?”

  Likewise said she nothing to anyone, for she be a woman of exceedingly few words, but she sat before her baggage and chewed mightily upon the gum that was between her jaws. Yea, verily she smacked vehemently upon it and gazed upon Oscar as upon a stone, and his liver turned to water within him.

  And when approached he that was called Cap’n and enquireth of them, saying “what woman is that sitteth with thee? Behold, her name is not upon the scroll.”

  Then answereth Oscar, “The same is my wife. She goeth with us also or else.”

  “Else what?” Cap’n enquired of him, but he shook his head sadly and answered him not.

  But Hiram cometh to him on the train and saith, be of good cheer for tho she goeth with thee to Babylon, even she cannot keep check upon thee in Harlem, verily the houses beeth too many. The streets also are numerous and of great length. Thou shalt find great multitudes of damsels; yea frail eels of great beauty and they shall gladden thy heart. She shall see thee only at thy comings in from labor and goings out to pleasures.

  And Oscar answered him, Amen.

  When cometh they unto the city called Babylon by some and by other Bagdad upon the subway, then stood Oscar in the highway continually and many knew him and taught him saying,

  “Put off thy ways of Sanford, Florida, and hearken unto Harlem,” and he hearkened.

  And in those days came the voice of the prophetess Ethel Waters, who prophesied in Harlem and in Philadelphia and in divers other cities crying hear, oh ye sons and daughters of Ham and Hagar, shake that thing. Yea verily I grow sick and wearing of advising you to shake that thing. How long must I yet say up, the hour is upon you shake that thing. Yea behold it is shaken in Georgia, and shivered exceedingly in Memphis. Yet, already hath Uncle John, who is full of years and reigneth over jelly roll, hath he a hump in his back occasioned by exceeding great number of shakings go thou and do likewise.

  And the multitudes hearkened unto the voice of the prophetess and arose as one man and shook with many shakings.

  Yea, shook the fat with the lean, the rich with the poor; the aged with the young, verily was there not a shaking like unto this before nor after it.

  And Oscar hastened from one place unto another hearkening unto the words of the prophetess.

  Cometh he to one female who beheld him smiting the pocket book grievously and saith unto him, “verily thou are Caliente,” which being interpreted meaneth “hot” and the saying pleased Oscar.

  Also saith she, “thy prowess is like unto the prowess of ten men,” and henceforth thy name shall be “Gang” and this also made glad the heart of Oscar and she smote upon his pocket as David smote upon the harp. Then she said unto Oscar “truly thy name shall be Daddy also,” which being interpreted meaneth “gimme” and it was so.

  And to all the goings out and comings in saith Cal’line not one word. Thus was it said by Oscar unto his brother.

  Surely Babylon hath confounded the mighty and laid waste the strength of the rock. Therefore will I smite the ukulele and sing a song of triumph. The heart of Oscar is made glad—the son of Mimms. For lo, he would have fled from before the she-rock, but she pursued and overthrew him.

  His heart was as dust.

  His soul yearned [for] softness yet was he yoked unto a stone.

  But Babylon hath made humble the smiting woman of Sanford.

  Yea, its towers and its hot mamas hath undone the haughty. She is silent and her mind made broad.

  The anointed of the Lord hath waited his hour.

  For wisdom hath said.

  Five years are not too long for a Condar to wear a ruffled shirt.

  Her strength is departed.

  If the frog hath wings so that he no longer bumpeth his hips upon the ground;

  If the frog hath hip pockets, then would he tote a pistol that the snakes dare not eat him, then shall the strength of Cal’line return. Go to, Oscar, son of Mimms and buy thy mamma [a] seal skin coat as she hath begged of thee. The mind of Cal’line is made broad. The way is made straight.

  Therefore in August did Oscar put up a coat for her that calleth him daddy that it might be fully paid when the feast of Thanksgiving drew nigh and it was so.

  Thanksgiving was fully come did Oscar take the coat from the merchant and bear it to the house of his brother saying, three days hence we celebrate the feast. Then shall I give unto my slick sheba the gift. Let it abide with thee until then.

  Cal’line knoweth all these things from signs and revelations but she held her peace. Also many days had she followed the steps of her husband and knew where he wenteth and what he did there.

  And behold he sat with her the day before the feast whilest she washeth his shirts. And she saith unto him “Oscar, thou hast another woman besides me.” Then he arose in his place and rebuked her saying,

  “Thou art untruthful thou woman with the pepper patch upon thy head.”

  But she strove with him saying, “surely it is so. Behold here is mouth-paint upon thy collar, and if she be so nigh unto thee as to wipe her mouth upon the collar of thy shirt, she knoweth thee well.”

  Then he grew wrath and departed saying, “This be great Babylon, not Sanford, moreover thou art no tea for my fever, neither are thou a B. C. for my headache, go to, cook thyself radish. Behold and see thou are still Sanford while I am Harlem.”

  Then straightaway he [de]parted and took the coat of seal-slander and bore it unto whom it was promised, and they made merry with corn and with chicken, both the bosom and the hip thereof.

  And in the midst of their rejoicing there cometh blows upon the door, yea, great smitings upon the lock thereof like the grumbling of thunder.

  And the people who were in the apartment with them fled saying “surely the law desireth admittance.” So they departed by the fire escape.

  But Oscar abode in the place with her who called him daddy saying “If such knocking should come upon a door in Sanford wherein I tarried, I would arise and flee even in these pajamas for my soul would say it is Cal’line.”

  But no woman beareth the axe in Babylon. Let us feast yet more before we journey to the show.

  Then cometh yet other blows that breaketh the lock and shattereth the door in pieces, and Oscar poketh his head out of the bedroom door and behold Cal’line standeth before him.

  And when he would have withdrawn his head into the bedroom and shut tight the door, Cal’line thrust forth the axe and prevented him.

  And when she had fully come into the room, he fled out by the window and took his way home by taxi chariot that the people in the streets might not mock him.

  Then did Cal’line stand before the sweet mamma and smack her cheek and thigh. Yea verily she smote her exceeding with the fist and mocked her, saying,

  Tell it not on Seventh Avenue and speak it not before the Lafayette that thou knoweth not why I socketh thee. A smart gal of Babylon like unto thee will be bound to know.

  So saying she collected the coat and pants of her husband with the shoes and shirt thereof and added also the new coat of furs upon the axe-handle and departed out of that house and took her away.

  Then did the people laugh and say he fled away in pajamas but his wife bringeth home the bacon with the axe.

  And when many days had passed and Oscar smiled not at his labors nor made merry with his mamma, did Hiram question him, saying, “Oscar, son of my mother, what grieveth thee?”

  And Oscar answered him, “I go and return unto Sanford, y
ea.”

  Then Hiram enquired again, “dost thou not love Babylon and the frails thereof? Why returnest thou to Sanford?” Oscar answered him

  Verily love I the city of Babylon and all the women therein, but it is written a man shall possess a wife of exceeding broad-mindedness, else he cannot come at the essence of the thing. Then Hiram enquired of him

  “Didst thou not say unto me at divers times that thou had taught wisdom to the heathen and made broad the mind of Cal’line?”

  Then did Oscar answer him sorrowfully and say, yea in my folly did I open my mouth and boast that I had made wise the simple and made broad the mind of her that was narrow.

  But hearken unto my voice and give ear to my teaching.

  She that toteth the axe in Babylon is narrow of mind, and she that smiteth locks is of little faith.

  Therefore what profiteth a man if he stand among a multitude of sweet ones if it be forbidden that he possess even one?

  For lo, the mind of Cal’line hath not been broadened and her head hath not learned a darned thing.

  SELAH!

  The Fire and the Cloud

  Moses sat upon his new-made grave on Mount Nebo. His back stooped wearily, but his strong gaze leaped the Jordan and travelled over the land of Canaan.

  A lizard popped out of a hole under a rock directly before Moses.

  “Good morning, O brother-of-insufficient-walking-legs. I find you at waking where I left you at sun-rest.” So the reptile greeted Moses.

  With his eyes still in Canaan, Moses answered. “Ah yes, little kin who-uses-all-his-legs-for-walking, the labor has been long. This is the thirtieth day that I have sojourned upon this mountain.” He waved at the mound of stone. “Behold, friend, it is finished.”

  From the top of a low bush near the left foot of Moses the lizard studied the work. “It is good. But you have been a long time in the building of your nest. Your female must be near death from retaining her eggs.”

  “No fecund female awaits this labor.”

  “A male alone?”

  “A male alone.”

  “Perhaps you are a widower also. It is very sad, but you must know that fat lizards have many sudden-striking enemies.” A tear dewed the leaf beneath him.