What the Hell

by Hunter Blain

  “Kinda. But instead of being anchored with huge chain stores like Sears, they’re filled with smaller independent shops.”

  “Pfft, Sears. I remember freaking buying a house out of a damn catalog in the early 1900s and having it delivered. And then, during the ’80s and ’90s, I’d circle stuff I wanted for Christmas and give the magazines to Da to . . . to . . .” I trailed off as I thought about my friend and mentor of over half a century. Magni was staring at me, so I shook my head, cleared my throat, and said, “Anyways, Sears was doomed to fail when they refused to adapt.”

  Magni continued to stare at me before softly saying, “I miss him too.”

  I smiled warmly while feeling the sorrow rising in my core like a mist that collected in my throat, threatening to choke me if I didn’t change the subject, and quickly.

  “Magni, I, ah . . . I never asked, if . . .” I tried desperately to find the right words while he looked at me.

  “Asked what?”

  “If, ah, if . . . you know, you . . . for . . . gave, me.”

  He looked at me as my words clicked in his mind.

  “I’m here, aren’t I?” he countered without directly answering the question.

  “Well, yeah. But Ludvig is here, too.”

  “Oh, I see. You think I wouldn’t be here if Ludvig wasn’t.”

  “Well, I mean, that’s a pretty obvious statement because you’re his apprentice.”

  “I only became his apprentice so I could learn to kill you.”

  That hit my heart like a ball-peen hammer on a crystal vase. I was rocked back slightly by his words, blinking my eyes as I stared dumbly at the ceiling.

  “But yes, John Cook. I forgave you for what you did.” The crystal vase was magically reversed, becoming whole as the hammer was flung away. “I’ve known you long enough to see the good in you, and how much you care for your friends.”

  Collin’s words stared me down, and I felt ashamed that I was even questioning the validity of my relationship with my family.

  “That, and I remember you were going to let me blow your stupid head off when we first met. Now I know how easily you could have stopped me.”

  “I deserved your hatred for what I did.”

  “You forgave Locke, right?” Magni asked, lifting his chin to Locke’s room where the warlo‒ I mean, wizard was napping.

  “Yeah. It wasn’t easy. But then again, I got to rip his head off and watch him die. It also made it easier to forgive him when he started giving us good intel on Satan and his plans. Plus, he was a head, and I really got to fuck with him. Did he tell you I drew a dick on his forehead?”

  “HA! No!” Magni barked out in laughter before covering his mouth to try and let those who were asleep stay that way. I noted that Hayley had decided to sleep in Ludvig’s room, and wasn’t even shy about it. Had to respect her. Woman power and all that stuff I didn’t understand as a straight, white male. According to social media, those were the worst things someone could be.

  “You forgave Locke and let him be on the team. So, of course I forgave you. But,” he trailed off, “if it hadn’t been for Raziel spending those years with me, telling me stories about you and who you were, I would have blown your fucking head off in the woods that night. Even knowing about the end of the world, I think I would have just . . . just squeezed the trigger.” His eyes went unfocused as he stared at the coffee table.

  “Something so easy. Squeezing my finger just a few millimeters.” He lifted his thumb and index finger to showcase the bare minimum space between them. “Boom,” Magni finished by dropping his hand to his lap. I noticed he had a five o’clock shadow, and I understood he wasn’t the small boy in the back seat of that car any longer. Magni was a man.

  My mind flashed to Lachesis speaking the words that made my neck hairs stand on end, “The boy.”

  I shuddered and erased the thought from my mind like an Etch A Sketch.

  “I think about that night, often,” I said to the boy, letting my own eyes focus on nothing at all.

  “Me too,” Magni answered as if in a dream.

  I looked at him, and he returned the gaze.

  “Thank you, Magni. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll spend a lifetime making it up to you.”

  “Can you start by helping me get a girlfriend?”

  I barked out a laugh in complete and utter surprise at the change in subject.

  “What, Captain Perfect Human Specimen can’t help you out in that department?” I asked, thumbing over to the room where Hayley and Ludvig, hopefully, were slumbering.

  “Do you not see how he is around women? I mean, Hayley had to basically swoop in and tell him he belonged to her now.”

  “Ah shit. She did, didn’t she?” I admitted, remembering their first meeting. “That’s actually kinda adorable.”

  “Yeah, for him. I, on the other hand, have no idea what to do.”

  “It is an odd strategy that rarely works, to just stand there and wait to attract an aggressive mate. Maybe if you were a woman, that would work. But us guys have it a tad harder in the dating department. Then again, guys don’t have to deal with an influx of catcalls and lewd messages. What do the cool kids say? Sliding up in their DM?”

  “No one says that anymore.”

  “What do they say now?”

  “That’s the thing! I don’t know!”

  “Ah. I see your problem,” I chuckled.

  “I tried talking to Joey, but he says werewolves are only attracted to others of their kind.”

  “Yeah, Depweg said the same thing. If this all goes well, I’m gonna have to find them some girlfriends.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s good and all. But can you, like, start with me? You’re the only one that can probably help me.”

  “What cho mean, probably? I definitely can help. I mean, have you seen Lil . . . y.” At the mention of her name, my heart dropped like Kevin Spacey’s career.

  “Lily,” I whispered, letting my face fall to the ground.

  “What? What happened?” Magni asked, reminding me that only Depweg knew what had happened.

  “She . . . she had to go out of town on business, and, ah . . . will probably never come back.” Saying the words out loud made my chest constrict, making a hand shoot up to grab at my shirt without my brain telling it to do so. I could feel I was making a pained face, and made myself relax.

  “Uh, do I need to, like, go?” Magni asked uncomfortably.

  “No. No, it’s a truth I need to get used to.” I raised my face to the boy, who was now a man. “Let’s focus on you. Do you have any of those dating apps I hear the cool kids talk about?”

  “What cool kids?”

  “People on TV. I don’t know. I extrapolate social norms from them, mostly. Not like there’s a dating app for vampires, especially when there’s only two of us left and we are both hetero dudes. But the point still stands.”

  “No, I don’t have an app. I honestly have no idea when I would ever even get to go on a date.”

  “Hmm. Are you, um, how do I put this . . . species specific?”

  An eyebrow arched as Magni’s head cocked to the side. “Huh?”

  “I mean, ah, do you have preferences on just, um, humans?”

  “I . . . I still don’t follow.”

  “Would you freaking be into faeries at all?”

  “What? Like elves?”

  “Sure! Why not?” I asked, noticing that Magni’s eyebrow stayed in the WTF position. “Look, the way I see it, you will probably never date a normal chick. Do we still say chick?”

  “Not really, but it works.”

  “Cool.”

  “The outside world really doesn’t say cool anymore, either. It’s out the window, like gnarly was in the late ’90s.”

  “Gnarly is gone, too?”

  “I have literally never heard you say gnarly.”

  “But I want to now, because you’re telling me I can’t.”

  “Sounds about right.”
/>   Throwing my hands up in frustration, I continued, “Anyway . . . like I said, you probably won’t have a regular relationship with a chi— woman. At least one who is human.”

  “What about her?” Magni asked, thumbing over to the room where unmistakable snoring was coming from.

  “Wow, he lasted for a while,” I said, looking down at my phone. “That was like, over an hour.”

  “Healing does have its perks,” Magni said with a rueful smile.

  “Come again?” I asked, my own eyebrow arching up.

  “Exactly.”

  “Exactly wha— Oh, you cheeky bastard.” We both shared a laugh at that. “You’re seriously telling me the paladin can heal his own refractory period?”

  “He can last as long as she needs him to. Or at least go again.”

  “Damn, that’s neat,” I drawled while thinking of the woman I loved again, wanting nothing more than to please her in any way I could. “Fuck,” I breathed.

  “What?”

  “Hmm? Oh, nothing. Just . . .”

  “Lily?”

  “Lily.”

  “I’m sorry, John.”

  “Hey, there’s nothing to do but John On, know what I mean?”

  “John on?” he asked slowly.

  “Yeah, but you have to capitalize the second O, you know, to give it gravitas. John On.”

  “You’re gonna try to make that a thing, aren’t you?”

  “Maybe I am, and maybe I am.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Oh, so they got rid of cool but they still say whatever? Who decides these things?”

  “Can we get back on track, here?”

  “Oh, right. Um, where was I? Oh yeah! You probably won’t date a mortal woman, unless they are a super badass like Warden Broadway in there. And if you tell her I said she was a badass, I swear to Lilith I’ll deny everything.”

  Magni moved his hand in the air, gesturing for me to continue.

  “Right. So that leaves the Fae. Which, good news for you, they are super pretty and probably in need of some diversity amongst their ranks right now.”

  “Hmm. I guess a hot elf would be alright.” He tried to play down the significance of potentially landing an elf chi— I mean, woman. You know what? Fuck it. Elf chick. I don’t have to change for the world. The world should change for me.

  I quirked one corner of my lips as I pondered my internal monologue. The world could change for me, if I died. How dark was that humor? Dark enough that pasty white people would cross the street when they saw my humor strolling down the sidewalk.

  “If you can keep a secret,” I leaned in close to Magni, who returned the movement until we were only a foot apart, “I have to go to Faerie pretty soon and can see about hooking ya up. How’s that sound?”

  “Why are we whispering?”

  “I don’t exactly want anyone to know I’m going to visit Lily.”

  “Why not?” Magni asked, leaning back. “She’s your girlfriend, isn’t she? Just out of town on business, right? Why can’t you go visit her? Is it the time thingy?”

  “I actually figured out a way around the time dilation. And you’re right! Why shouldn’t I go and visit the woman I love?”

  “Yeah, so, I like blonde hair,” Magni piggybacked on my statement.

  “And . . . ?”

  “And what?”

  “O-kay, then. Blonde hair it is.”

  “If they like video games, that’d be great, too.”

  “Now you’re pushing it, kid,” I said with a smile.

  The front door opened and Depweg came in holding a large black duffel bag that was filled to capacity. Ludvig was behind him with two more identical bags.

  They set the three bags on the floor in front of the coffee table, and Depweg unzipped them one at a time.

  “Where is everyone?” Ludvig asked, forcing me to do a double take.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I thought you were in your room with Hayley.” I pointed a finger at his door.

  “Why would you fink dat?”

  “Because of that?” I answered while making a wait for it face. A long, impressive snore came dancing from under Ludvig’s door, sounding like someone was starting up a generator.

  “Oh, dat’s sexy,” Ludvig chimed in with glee.

  “Do what now? Sexy?” I looked at Magni, who returned the stare and shrugged his shoulders. “Ah, now it makes more sense,” I said in direct reference to Magni’s and my conversation.

  “What does?” Ludvig asked.

  “Hmm? Oh, nothing. Justyourweirdkinks,” I said as one word before quickly adding, “Should we get everyone up?”

  “Just my weird . . . kinks? What’s a kink?” Ludvig asked.

  “John, don’t kink-shame Ludvig,” Depweg added while pulling out tactical gear.

  “Hey!” I answered, “Kink-shaming is my kink. You know that!”

  “I still don’t know what a kink is. Isn’t dat somefing to do with dented armor?”

  Depweg stifled a chuckle by pretending to clear his throat and answering my previous question. “Nah, let everyone rest. We don’t need to get them up just yet.” Depweg stopped pulling gear out and looked at the three of us. “You boys wanna go to IHOP or somethin’?”

  “I lean more toward Waffle House, if I get a vote,” I said. “More entertainment value there.”

  “I do like waffles,” Ludvig added, nodding his head.

  “They have waffles at IHOP,” Depweg informed him. “But, if I were to be honest, Waffle House does taste better. Something about the grease, I guess.”

  “Ew,” I opined.

  Depweg looked around and, when no one objected, said, “Okay. Hummer’s outside.”

  We stood up and I stopped at the mini fridge, grabbing a blood bag before turning to face the door. Depweg was staring at me, expectantly.

  “What?”

  His gaze shifted from me to the bag and back again.

  “Oh, right. Might be weird drinking a bag of blood, huh?”

  “Grab an RTIC tumbler from the cabinet.”

  “What’s RTIC?”

  “It’s like one of those YETI cups, but the company supports gun rights.”

  “Which one?”

  “RTIC.”

  “Hey, aren’t most of your guns, like, illegal anyway? What do gun rights matter to a supe?”

  “I want the humans to be armed in the likely scenario where you fuck up and die. I like to think they would shoot demons on sight.”

  My mind flashed to a street downtown that was littered with the bodies of humans and supes alike. The house-sized demon had almost gotten yours truly, as well. “You think a single human with a shotgun can kill a freaking demon, man? Come on.”

  “One? No. But maybe three or four. Maybe ten. Besides, even though silver or iron is the easiest way to kill me without my pretty face on, a few blasts to my skull would do the trick just fine.”

  “Point taken, I guess. But let me tell you, I never pegged you for being political. And I doubt you buying one brand over another would really make a difference. I mean, seriously. Be realistic. Can you imagine a world where humanity perished because of a cup brand?”

  “They make coolers, too,” he said with a smile. “And I’m not political. I was just messing with ya, man. RTIC is cheaper for the same damn thing.”

  “Now ya see, that makes more sense. Why ya gotta mess with me?”

  The answer struck us both at the same time. We were finding any reason to screw around as if nothing was about to happen in the hopes that it would delay the inevitable, even to the point of pretending to care about nonsense mortal politics. Pfft, stupid humans didn’t realize they had no real control, only the illusion of it. The pyramid ran it all, according to Collin.

  * * *

  Note to self:

  Make illuminati joke to SAC Baker.

  * * *

  Then again, maybe I was just as foolish for believing what the government man had told me. It reminded m
e of an old joke: The brain is the most important organ in the human body, according to the brain.

  “You comin’, man?” Depweg asked as he made his way out the door and up the stairs.

  “Right behind ya,” I said as I tore open the bag and poured it into the decently sized silver cup. It held the contents almost perfectly. Then again, I did grab the biggest one in the cabinet. The side told me it was thirty-two ounces. “Damn, these are some big bags, Locke,” I said to the empty kitchen. “Neat!”

  Outside, I jogged to catch up to the guys as they got in the electric Hummer. I was impressed that the cup’s lid prevented anything from sloshing out.

  “Shotgu— Aw, man!” I lamented as I saw Ludvig sitting in the front passenger seat.

  I climbed in behind the giant Swede, prepared to demand he move up his chair to give me room, when I noticed how spacious the vehicle was.

  Magni had his Nintendo out and was playing some side-scroller that looked like it belonged on the original NES from back in the day. Damn kids and their retro phases.

  Depweg pressed the start button and put the beast into drive, having backed into the parking spot.

  I turned around and saw my minigun turret sitting there, longing for my touch. Craving it. John, come play with me, John, it seemed to say. Honestly, I wanted to climb into the turret and pop through the roof again, but then I remembered how not fun it was to actually have to use the weapon. The Shadow Court had been countless, with demons in their midst. A shudder ran up my spine as the scene played out in my mind; especially the part where I had gotten stabbed in the freaking face.

  It only took a few minutes of driving to make it to the nearest yellow building. At this time, only the employees and a single patron occupied the restaurant, and I used that word loosely.

  I took a sip from my cup and felt the deliciousness slide down my throat as I mouthed, “Waffle House,” to myself.

  We got out and made our way inside, the aroma of grease and depression flooding my nostrils. Walking toward an all-too-small booth, three large males looked at one another, trying to figure out who was going to be the bitch and sit against the wall.

  “Magni,” Ludvig ordered, and the much smaller man slid in, still looking at his handheld console.

  Depweg looked at me and I looked right back at him while Ludvig slid in beside his apprentice.