by r. h. Sin
i see it every day
people running in circles
like a vinyl playing
my favorite song
43 degrees.
i may not know you
but i know your pain
i know that feeling that lives
beneath your bones
i know the madness that lives
within your brain
consuming your mind
like a virus craving chaos
and destruction
holding the ability to take away
your power to cultivate your own joy
peace no longer lives with you
or sits beside you
there is a type of emptiness
that dwells in the pit of your stomach
it makes you sick
it forces you to feel weak
you lose sleep because of this
you’ve lost yourself because of this
i may not know you by name
but i know exactly how you feel
i am familiar with the aches and the cracks
that remain on display
on the surface of your heart
i know the hell of searching for angels
where only devils dwell
i know exactly how it feels to seek warmth
during a cold, dark, emotional winter
i know enough about pain to know
that things get better
or maybe they actually don’t
maybe, just maybe you get stronger
you’ll get stronger
ludicrum 1.
if he’s no good for you
then choosing to live a life
by his side
will mean choosing
to live in an endless version of hell
ludicrum 2.
you were never meant
to be someone’s secret
you were always meant
to be loved out loud
ludicrum 3.
you only mattered when i cared
but i learned to stop giving life
to relationships that deserved to die
and i decided to stop giving life to you
ludicrum 4.
you were just an example
of everything
i learned to avoid
ludicrum 5.
i’m not searching for a love
that makes me blind
i want a love
that helps me see
i want a love
that opens me up
to everything i’ve always
wished for
ludicrum 6.
aren’t you tired of always being the one
they cheat with
aren’t you tired of being on the side
of the person who only sees you
as someone to just keep on the side
aren’t you tired
of being the one
they call when they’re done
fucking somebody else
ludicrum 7.
my father was the first man
to betray me
he was also the first person
to break my spirit
took time.
I believe I wanted more of everything that you were incapable of giving me. I thought I lost you, but today I realize that I only gained the chance to be truly happy after you left. I found the type of peace that had always escaped me in our relationship, and now that we are over, I am sober enough to walk this straight line of living a life that no longer includes you.
ludicrum 8.
i used to live for us
and now you’re dead to me
ludicrum 9.
we’re not sleeping just to rest
we’re closing our eyes
just to escape the things
that haunt us while we’re awake
ludicrum 10.
how she fought through the fire
was all that mattered
watching a woman survive
is something you never forget
like you, this moment.
There will be nights where you’ll struggle to sleep, you’ll reach for your phone, and your pain will bring you here, to this moment, these words. There will be nights where your soul will long for more and your mind will crave a peace that feels like freedom. There will be nights where you’ll grow weary of being kept awake by the thought of someone who no longer deserves to be on your mind, and in this moment, as you read these words, I hope you find the strength to remove yourself from a relationship with someone who doesn’t deserve to be the reason you can’t sleep, and I hope you realize that you are not alone because there are so many souls reading this while struggling to find rest.
Just like you . . .
ludicrum 11.
there are moments
where she feels as if
she’s falling apart
she is unraveling
and yet she is still strong
she is still powerful
a silent awakening.
there’s a type of freedom
that lives in a space of solitude
the mind is free to roam
without seeking permission
and in that moment
you find yourself more available
and readily able to choose yourself
without feeling guilty or selfish
where there is solitude
there is a deeper understanding
and appreciation for peace and joy
sometimes you have to be alone
in order to discover what truly matters
ludicrum 12.
you’ll be fine
you’ll make it
not because of a man
or a relationship
you’ll get through this
because you have yourself
and right now
you are everything you need
and you have always been enough
this, still vivid.
i remember you
or maybe i’ve been recalling
the person i thought you were
your beautiful lie
the empty compliments
my willingness to believe
in something or someone
who was pretending to feel
the same way as i did
the pain is still vivid
i bury the anguish with a smile
i drown out the sound of crying
with music that reminds me of you
i remember the way it felt
my heart beginning to swell
my soul near drowning
my mind inching further into madness
that part is still vivid
that part of me that ended
in a dark, empty room
under a midnight moon
breaking into a million pieces
over a person who was never
what they promised to be
ludicrum 13.
It won’t be easy, it’ll be difficult, but this will be the year she finds herself. This will be the year she discovers the power and magic living beneath her bones. This will be the year where she begins to walk away from anything that no longer deserves her presence.
rare, not many.
Women like you are hard to come by. Women like you are gems, rare diamonds hidden on the top of the highest mountains. There’s only a few of you in existence; there’s not many of you left. You have a fire in your soul that will never be put out and a he
art consumed with a power strong enough to calm hurricanes. You deserve so much more than the mediocre bullshit that you’ve decided to settle for. You’re always providing, trying, and fighting. It’s time for someone to fight for you.
sinking ships.
i think the silence replaced our screams
we sat there preserving our energy
for other things, maybe even other people
we stopped touching each other
eye contact was obsolete
as we continued to drift apart
like a ship leaving the shore
i wanted more
and you deserved something different
our friends tried to warn us
but we never listened
i think it went too far this time
no more screaming
no more yelling
i think the silence replaced everything
we knew before
we were no longer willing
to fight for each other
lack of lessons.
who taught you to settle
for a love that wasn’t love
who failed you
which parent failed you
who in your family
decided to betray you
by failing to teach you
about the troubles in this world
and the evil in men
now here you are
an adult struggling
to find yourself
lost beneath the crumbling foundation
that should have been made stronger
by the people who raised you
they failed you . . .
ludicrum 14.
she, a flower
blooming under
her own light
and even when alone
she had everything
she needed
ludicrum 15.
the roses make death
look beautiful
the way they die
with grace
gone by daylight.
like the stars embedded
into the night sky
she belonged to the moon
and she was never yours
to keep
ludicrum 16.
kind, dead eyes
pale, dry lips
forcing themselves
to smile
tired but wide awake
broken yet strong
struggling to find peace
in a moment of emotional chaos
ludicrum 17.
the screams are usually silent
hidden behind closed doors
heavily guarded
for fear of being judged
all those dreadful emotions
kept secret on pages of journals
afraid to speak about it
so you write it down
and this is how poetry is born
too early, the heartache.
What do you say to a girl who becomes familiar with heartache before she’s legal enough to drink? What are words to a girl who is used to getting hurt by everyone claiming to care? All these young souls drowning in sadness before knowing how to swim. Trying to navigate this rugged terrain called life. Sadly, heartbreak arrives earlier than it should, but if there’s anything that I know for sure it is that the heartache transforms the broken girl into a powerful woman. I just wish the pain didn’t start so young. I just wish you had more time to comprehend what it means to be happy and maybe one day you will.
ludicrum 18.
let yourself move on
to a better chapter
it’s time to turn the page
to a story worth reading
the painful pursuit.
Chasing love, I’m tired. Wired and awake, restless and weary. My heart can’t take another tumble to the floor. My mind still aches from all this overthinking. It’s overwhelming the way this pursuit of everything I deserve only brings me more of what I don’t want. I’ve been chasing you, and I’m tired.
one day too late.
Did you not see the way she looked into your eyes, as if your pupils held the answers to all of her questions? Did you not feel the way she held your hand tight, as if she was holding a bag filled with every promise ever made?
This love was rare, heartfelt, and true. She was ready and willing to lay down her life for you, but it’s too bad you couldn’t see it. Blinded by flashes of attention by everyone who wasn’t her. You’ll understand when it’s too late. You’ll understand when you go searching for her replacement and you find out that she was the only one of her kind.
oh well.
You hate me for being able to articulate something that you struggle to find the words for. You are angry with me for having the ability to express the truths that others keep hidden with a smile. This is not your story, you don’t own the copyright to the pain I speak of, the heartache is universal, and I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you’re not the only one hurting. Maybe you’re mad at me, or maybe you’re mad at the women who choose to read my words instead of yours.
needed me.
i needed truth
i needed substance
i needed passion
i needed love
i thought i needed you
but turns out
i only needed me
because i was everything
you couldn’t appreciate
i was everything
you didn’t deserve
and i’ll be everything
for myself
ludicrum 19.
i saw the moon during the day
and it reminded me
that nothing is impossible
because sometimes
nothing can stop the moon
from witnessing the sun
effort meant nothing.
i was always hurting myself
to make sure you were good
compromising my peace
just to entertain the chaos
of loving you
my heart bound
by a one-sided love
unsure of what to do
paralyzed by lies
struggling to move
lies told to my reflection.
you tell yourself enough lies
and you’ll stay a bit longer
pretending to be happy
smiling on cue, posing for photos
wearing joy like a mask
while struggling to find peace
you put on your best face today
and even though it’s getting worse
you’ll say “i’m fine” if anyone asks
you tell yourself enough lies
and you’ll hold on a bit longer
your hands begin to cramp
and hope becomes your worst enemy
as your grip becomes tighter
and it’s clear that you don’t love yourself
because loving someone who can’t love you
is simply a harsh reminder
but you’ve told yourself enough lies
to keep you in a relationship
with someone who will never
be honest with you
the sad sister.
Your sick, sad sister slithers like snakes, saying sorry without meaning it. Filled with envy, she’s painted the color green. Pretending to love you the way a sister should but becoming overwhelmed with rage when you’re doing good. She wants to control you, but she can’t. She wants to be you, but she can’t. I think she swells up with hatred because she can’t fathom a world where
you become more than she is, and yet she has to live in a world where you are greater than she expected you to be.
forever never comes.
i’ve been standing here
waiting for more
of what you refuse to give
more of what you promised
more of what you’ve continued
to deny me
i’ve been standing here
waiting for the arrival
of the person i thought you were
i’ve been standing here
in the cold
waiting for you to warm me up
emotionally starving myself
with this impossible hope
that you’ll eventually change
i’ve rearranged my entire life for you
for nothing it seems
my dreams are no longer dreams
the thought of you
has become a dreadful nightmare
as i stand here, staring into the abyss
awaiting something that’ll never happen
i stand here alone and empty
waiting to be filled
by someone who has proven
to be full of shit
and though i should quit
i’ve chosen not to walk away
failing to realize
that not giving up on you
means giving up on myself
i stand here waiting
afraid, fearful of the unknown
scared to move
because what if you show up
and what if you arrive
as everything i wanted you to be
it’s been days, now weeks, now years
and i’m still standing, i’m still here
ever-evolving.
Life evolves a bit faster when you’ve surrounded yourself with high-frequency people, individuals who push you to do more than you knew you were capable of. People who have chosen to do more, to be more and so they encourage those around them to do the same. Understanding this, I’ve chosen to remove the people from my life who have done nothing but fill me up with doubt, people who have knocked me down for wanting more than I was accustomed to having. I learned to keep my dreams out of the hands of those who preferred me living in a nightmare. I decided to walk away from everyone who appeared to be threatened by my smile. You are capable of changing your own life, but first you have to let go of the people who’d rather see you down than up.
