by r. h. Sin
you, a mountain.
do not let a world
filled with criticism
and judgment
prevent you from being
whatever you need to be
don’t let the words
from those who don’t matter
corrupt your peace of mind
do not allow them the power
to force you into corners
or uncomfortable spaces
reserve and maintain the right
to be happy despite
all that’s happened
take back your power
and feel whatever it is
you need to feel in order to survive
do not be threatened by hills
when you yourself are a mountain
do not fear the rain
when you yourself are a beautiful storm
of chances and hope
with so much confusion.
Confused men are not worthy of your time. Their confusion is an insult to your existence. Why not have a partner who is sure about the way you make them feel and isn’t afraid to express it rather than be with a person who has grown content with pretending that they don’t want you? Claiming to miss you but never showing up. Claiming to love you but choosing to hurt your heart. Confused men are the muddy puddles of the earth; don’t let them stain your soul.
how much longer.
you’re just tired
you’ve been brave
you’ve never given up
you keep fighting
but you’re tired
weary from all the arguments
weary from all the forgiveness
weary from all the second chances
you’ve been providing
you’re strong
but you’re just tired
of the type of love
that seems to keep you down
the type of feeling
that isn’t love at all
this heaviness that sits
on your shoulders
it makes you stronger
but you’re just tired
of trying to build a home
on quicksand
you’re tired
but you’re powerful enough
to let go
you may be tired
but you’re still strong enough
to walk away
you may be restless
but you don’t deserve
this nightmare
you’re just tired
you’ve been brave
but it’s time to choose yourself
because they’re no longer
choosing you
i know, i know.
The modern era of love feels like hatred and happiness have become a mask we wear to hide the sadness that thrives in our heart. Honesty has become a lost art, and loyalty seems to have vanished right before our eyes. I’ve seen people fall victim to empty promises and apologies from liars. I’ve watched hearts become crushed under the weight of hoping for things that’ll never come. I know what it means to reach for unclean hands and expect something pure. I know how it feels to feel all the right things for the wrong people. Too many games being played, too many moments gone to waste. Energy and trust misplaced, invested into those who will never be worth it or match your own value. I know what it means to be hurt in this era, and this is why I’ll never judge a guarded heart.
so many drinks.
how many drinks
until i forget
all the things
that haunt me
while i’m sober
this temporary high
a moment of overcoming
my lows
only to be brought back down
to a reality in which i hate
i’ve tried lying to myself
i’ve barhopped, i’ve stood
in lines to get into clubs
in hopes of running away
from all this shit
but it comes for me
first thing in the morning
and sticks to me
like gum under a classroom desk
a fucking mess i’ve been
trying to win, giving in to sin
i’ve gained so many vices
pretending to love it
but i don’t like this
so many drinks
but nothing changes
i don’t want to be here
i need to change this
she, alone.
she nursed her own wounds
and as crazy as this may sound
every time she’d fallen to the ground
she picked up the pieces
and carried herself on her shoulders
she was nothing like they imagined
she was more than they claimed
she’d be
she fought on her own
she meant everything to herself
she took care of her own needs
the unstoppable force.
she was no princess
her distress didn’t need
your attention
she was a warrior
fighting for herself
and everything she deserved
she refused to allow others
the ability to control her narrative
she produced and published her own story
and there was nothing
anyone could do to stop her
072288.
I don’t judge people for wanting to disappear. So many of us are hiding, looking for an exit, eager to leave this all behind. I’ve been there too, and there are times where I struggle with this feeling, but I’ve fallen in love with life every time I fall for you.
so full.
i saw a glimpse
of everything
i wanted to be
when i looked
into her eyes
this is when i knew
she was the moon
to my darkened sky
skhxxii.
your lips made me forget
my reason to be unhappy
you kissed me
and i lost that dreadful feeling
3/6.
stop apologizing to people
who have no problem
with hurting your soul
all this confusion
the madness of saying sorry
for feeling things
that you deserve to feel
things that you have a right
to express
apologizing to keep them happy
apologizing to keep people
who no longer deserve
to dwell within the walls
of your heart
you shouldn’t have to suppress
your emotional truths
for people who don’t
give a fuck about you
trust the moon.
the moon sat outside her window
like a lover waiting to be told
the secrets that remained
chained up in her heart
golden, her existence.
She was always amazing, she was nothing like you’d ever known. The way she smiled through the chaos, the way she held her own. Her soul was always divine, her heart concealed magic. Her entire existence was a constellation of stars burning the dark hue of the night sky. She was always this, but you could never see it. She had always been a poem that you failed to appreciate, and when you lost her, you lost a future filled with promise and progression. The lesson here is never chase copper w
hen the woman who loves you is golden.
the ice is cracking.
Life is too short to spend days on end dancing around the inconvenient truth. The romance you long for will never exist with this particular person. You’re chasing after a dream, avoiding a sickening reality. Your eyes have been closed while you wander upon thin ice, and it’s time that you wake up. It’s time to stop giving all of yourself to someone who gives nothing to you.
last call.
maybe she’s tired of the clubs
maybe she’s tired of searching for light
in the nightlife
dancing around in the dark
when she’d rather be at home
with someone who feels like home
maybe she’s tired of the drinks
tired of getting lost in a bottle
tired of losing herself
in her pursuit of peace
running away from all the things
that haunt her
she is powerful
she is strong
she keeps fighting
she’s still standing
but damn, she’s still tired
ready for something new
something better
because this shit
isn’t working anymore
maybe she’s tired of the clubs . . .
more what-ifs.
What if I told you that I was here the whole damn time? Waiting to be seen, eager to hold and love you but you were too busy chasing someone who wasn’t me. Searching for love in a relationship with someone who would rather make you hate yourself. I was here the whole time, but you were distracted, wasting your energy on someone too weak to appreciate you. The person you chose didn’t deserve you. The person you wanted was keeping you from noticing me, and ultimately you missed a real shot at happiness. All these fucking what-ifs . . .
All these missed opportunities to be loved
Because you’d rather put trust in a liar . . .
i wrote this for you.
Your heart is aching, but you pose and smile in Instagram photos, pretending to have the time of your life. Deep down you’re hurting, trying things and nothing’s working, but you’ve grown accustomed to acting like everything is perfect. You’re worth it, maybe you just forgot. Maybe you’re in like or in love with someone who treats you like you’re not. Maybe your heart has fallen into hands too weak to hold it. Maybe you are too proud, too bold, too embarrassed to show it. Your soul aches beneath the weight of all this emotional pain. Your soul continues to crack as you continue to act as if everything is okay, but nothing is okay and most of what is wrong is now buried beneath the lies you tell yourself and others.
I just wish you could see yourself in the light, but you’re used to this, being left in the dark. Standing in the middle of chaos, trying your hardest to keep it together. Clinging to that relationship that should end, still hoping for a forever. You deserve so much more, and deep down you know this. Open your eyes, stand up, please focus. Understand each and every word. You are the reason I wrote this.
exit here.
All I wanted was for you to try. I was always asking for too much whenever I was asking you. Being made to feel needy by someone who didn’t need me. Believe me, I’ve gone back and forth with myself over all of this. Plotting ways to walk away in hopes of saving my own heart. Ripped apart by my own inability to see a life without you. Blind while with you, damp tissues next to the bed, I play back all the fucked-up things you said. Hurting my head while overthinking, sinking into a pit of all the shit I should forget. My greatest regret is that I didn’t leave sooner, couldn’t leave sooner. I let you trample upon my dreams, tearing me at the seams. Your love was never what it seemed or what you made it out to be. I believed lies wrapped in paper labeled “truth.” My life filled with drama the moment I gave my heart to you. Emotional abuse and plenty of excuses, hanging on your every word like several criminals in nooses. And now my soul is screaming, can you hear it? Will you listen? I can’t take this shit anymore, I found the door, fuck it, I’m finished.
the gift index.
2/1.
2/19.
2/20.
2/21.
3/6.
22 minutes in a neon room.
43 degrees.
072288.
315360000.
a city being heard.
alone near you.
always and over again.
a nightly regret.
anxious.
a purple sky and glowing moon.
a silent awakening.
awake, this nightmare.
connection means more.
drunk beneath a pale moon.
effort meant nothing.
ever-evolving.
exit here.
Feb 22nd.
forever never comes.
from 15.
golden, her existence.
gone by daylight.
how much longer.
i know, i know.
i wrote this for you.
lack of lessons.
last call.
LAX.
lies told to my reflection.
like you, this moment.
ludicrum 1.
ludicrum 2.
ludicrum 3.
ludicrum 4.
ludicrum 5.
ludicrum 6.
ludicrum 7.
ludicrum 8.
ludicrum 9.
ludicrum 10.
ludicrum 11.
ludicrum 12.
ludicrum 13.
ludicrum 14.
ludicrum 15.
ludicrum 16.
ludicrum 17.
ludicrum 18.
ludicrum 19.
more what-ifs.
needed me.
oh well.
one day too late.
one hell of a midnight.
only a climax, nothing more.
on my second glass of whiskey.
rare, not many.
relating through sex.
save me not.
she, alone.
sinking ships.
skhxxii.
so full.
so many drinks.
something to mentally consume.
tend to your devices.
the beginning of another end.
the first shot.
the ice is cracking.
the painful pursuit.
the sad sister.
the second shot.
the sleeping city.
the third shot.
the unstoppable force.
this almost endless journey.
this, still vivid.
too early, the heartache.
took time.
truly transformative.
trust the moon.
wasted years 2005.
wasted years 2014.
with so much confusion.
you, a mountain.
you need to feel.
young and eager.
you wear the sadness.
empty bottles full of stories
copyright © 2019 by Robert M. Drake and r.h. Sin. Illustration copyright © 2019 by Hannah Olson. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing
a division of Andrews McMeel Universal
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-5248-5204-7
Library of Congress Control Number: 201895060
2
Editor: Patty Rice
Designer/Art Director: Diane Marsh
Production Editor: Amy Strassner
Production Manager: Cliff Koehler
Digital Production: Kristen Minter
Cover illustration by Hannah Olson
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