To Have and to Hold

by Lily Holland

  “I believe you,” I say and it is no more than a murmur. “I do, John. I want us to be closer than good friends. I want to be closer to you than any other human being. Our marriage is barely legal as it is, I think the time has come.”

  As he doesn’t answer and simply observes me, I clear my throat.

  “That is, if you can find in you the will to want me, of course.”

  I turn away and look at the window. It is pitch black outside and I start lighting candles in the room.

  I sigh, ready to let him go. I can tell him I have changed my mind and, without him knowing, I will be gone tomorrow by breakfast time. He will realize he tried to convince himself he loved me but not enough. Not like her.

  My internal struggle comes to a halt as strong arms sneak around my waist and he kisses my ear.

  “I want you like I have never wanted anybody else.”

  My eyes close as he kisses my jaw. His lips find their way to my neck and I shiver between his arms. He turns me over at once and kisses me deeply, passionately and I lose track of my own thoughts.

  His hands travel across my body and heat flushes through me. I pull back suddenly and study his eyes. They are darker than they usually are, the glint of passion burning deep inside them and making me lose my ground.

  “Should I… Should I change in my nightgown, John?”

  I don’t know what to do. What is to be done? He smiles and closes his mouth on mine, his hands gliding on my back and keeping me close to him. He walks me back to the bed and, as he pulls back an inch and let’s his lips hover over mine, his hands unbutton the back of my dress and untie the ribbon at the top.

  I stay mesmerized by him, not certain I can move, as he undresses me slowly, gets me off my dress, petticoat and unties my stays. When I am left in my thin chemise, he cups my face and fuses our mouths. His tongue swirling around mine makes me moan in our joined mouths and I lose my hands in his hair.

  It takes him a good moment to stop kissing me and, when he does, his eyes don’t leave mine. He takes his jacket off and starts untying his shirt. He takes it off and, as I caress his jaw, I let my fingers trace a path to his chest. He shivers under my touch and I look back up to find his gaze. His skin is warm, silk-like and I have never liked anything as much as touching him right now. My heart is throbbing painfully in my chest when his fingers deftly take the ribbon and pins out of my hair for my blond locks to fall down my back.

  His nose caresses mine and he draws a faint kiss to my lips, his arms close around me and he makes me lie down onto the bed. He settles over me and I can’t make out the sound of our loud breaths echoing in the room anymore, my blood is pumping way too loudly in my ears for me to hear anything.

  His heavy frame over my body, his warm, damp breath making my hair fly around my face, he spends minutes observing me and I wonder what he might think of me. It must be satisfactory to him because he loses a hand in my hair and kisses me deeply, his passion making heat merge in my belly and my hips shiver.

  When his hands travel to my thighs and he gathers the hem of my chemise to yank it above my head, goosebumps spread all over my skin. I lay naked right under him and fear starts twisting my insides.

  He must sense it because he chooses this moment to caress my face and whisper my name.

  “I’ve missed you so, my sweet Charity.”

  His lips kiss my mouth before they glide to my neck and my eyes close in passion. I have never felt that much heat in my body, it is merging between my thighs and I have to grit my hips to his to pray for release.

  He groans as he kisses my neck and my collarbone and his lips soon close on my breast. My hands circle his back, trying to find an anchor to the pleasure building inside my body and coming over me in a wave, a rhythm that I don’t understand. He kisses my skin and licks at it at length and unexpected noises come out of my mouth. I could be embarrassed, I truly think I could, but at the moment I only care about his mouth on me and his hands caressing my flesh.

  He kisses me back to my mouth and he pulls back, observing me and his short breath warming my already burning face. He uses one hand to untie his breeches and I lose his warmth around me for a second as he takes them off. His mouth crashes down on mine and his body covers my flesh and I am lost between two worlds. His delicious perfume fills my nostrils and I kiss his neck, tasting the sweetness of his skin. My embrace seems to appeal to him as a deep groan leaves his throat and he loses his nose in my hair.

  When my fingers start digging at his back, the rhythm between my legs is driving me crazy. I arch my back under him, not certain of what I want or what I need to make the itch go away. My entire body shivers at the friction of his body and, when he settles between my legs and kisses me languorously, I lose myself into him. He joins our bodies and I close my eyes, my fingers holding tight to his back as his hips rock against mine softly and we move as one. The feeling is beyond compare, the fire in me stirring up and his moves driving me close to an abyss of unknown.

  He kisses me and his lips and tongue discover all parts of my neck, my collarbones, and our bodies follow a dance of themselves. Small, uncontrolled cries pass my lips as our hips grit together and our bodies tremble. He pressures a special spot that is making me shake with intensity. I grip his hair hardly to drive his lips to my mouth and I kiss him like a wanton for such a long time that I feel I could die doing it.

  “Wait,” I say and he opens his eyes at once.

  He looks quizzically at me, his breath short, his hips thrusting faintly as a mechanic that can’t be stopped and I smile at him. I press my hand to his chest and he frowns, his entire body freezing at my word.

  “What is it?”

  I don’t answer and, as he sits back on his haunches, I straighten back up and face him. He doesn’t understand and, when I straddle his hips and our bodies are joined again, he is lost and looks for an answer on my face.

  I link my hands on his nape and smile at him. I resume moving our hips and the friction makes us both groan in pleasure.

  “I want to feel your hands around me, John,” I whisper and he caresses his nose to mine. “I want to be held by you, to know that there is nothing in between us, that you are holding me close.”

  His eyes tense and his fingers on my lower back firm suddenly. He grips me tightly and flushes me all against his body. There isn’t a single inch that separates our skins. He holds tight on me and my hands on his nape tense. He rocks his hips and my body follows his pace. My lips find his and his tongue swirls around mine with hunger.

  When his hands on my back tense again, he grunts and loses his nose in my neck, my head falling back, the mix of sensation overwhelming my body making me tremble like a leaf in a windy day.

  My body breaks between his hands, light flashes behind my closed eyes and my breath deserts me. Pleasure and bliss overwhelm me and I disappear in a world of passion and love. The only thing that keeps me anchored to this earth is John, his body joined to mine, his mouth kissing and tasting the skin of my neck, his arms holding me so tightly I feel we will never be apart anymore.

  I have a hard time catching my breath and John’s mouth finds back my lips. He kisses me, nibs at my lower lip and a strong, raw groan coming from the depths of his chest leaves his throat. His hands desert my back to dig at the skin of my thighs and he leans forward for me to lie down on my back. I am beyond any consideration of the body, my mind still up in the clouds of delight his flesh offered mine a few seconds ago.

  Sweat pearling on his forehead, his moves reach a paroxysm and his face cramps. I blink but peace relaxes his features and I am warmed from within. I close my eyes, passion and contentment fill my heart as his lips brush over mine without ever kissing me. I’m not sure any of us has the necessary energy to kiss anymore. He buries his nose in my neck and his entire weight gradually presses over me. I inhale a few, deep breaths and the shaking of our joined bodies fills me with delight. My hands jump at his shoulders and I pull on his hair to capture his lips with mine.r />
  I kiss him like a madwoman, like a famished soul who can finally enjoy it fully. He kisses me back and, when I pull back, we are both breathless and smiling. We close our eyes and he rolls off me. I wince as he leaves my body but he welcomes me between his arms and his warm sigh fills my heart with joy. I caress my fingertips to his jaw and he observes me, his blue eyes detailing every inch of my face.

  We remain like this for a long time until, at some unexpected point, he grabs my chin tightly and forces my gaze into his.

  “I love you, Charity.”

  I close my eyes at his words and nod. This is the truth, he isn’t lying, I know it, I can feel it deep inside me. He isn’t lying to me and he isn’t lying to himself. If I wasn’t already filled with bliss, this would give it to me. He lets go of my face and I press my cheek to his. My body all against his, his smell tainting my skin and the remnants of his kisses still warming my body, I inhale a deep breath and decide to let go of the past: from this day forward, he is only mine.

  Epilogue

  Three months later

  John

  I sit in the armchair reading the letter I have received this morning. An invitation to visit the Earl of Broadshire who—it is rumored—is still looking for a bride. I let the paper fall to the silver plate on the table and I stretch my legs out toward the hearth. I’m pretty sure Charity will want to go, she always does.

  I hear footsteps behind me and stand up at once. The door opens on Mrs. Leigh bringing in some tea for me and my wife to share. I thank her with a nod and Charity enters the room in a half run.

  “JOHN!”

  I start and Mrs. Leigh reviews her with surprise. She looks back at me wondering if she should be leaving us and I nod, dismissing her at once.

  Charity runs to me and throws herself in my arms.

  “Oh John it’s so amazing!”

  I kiss her forehead and a laugh makes my chest shake against her body.

  “Well, tell me it isn’t the invite to party at Broadshire that makes you that happy.”

  I laugh and she shakes her head opening big bright eyes.

  “Lord Thomas is inviting us?” she asks and I kiss her lips faintly.

  “Yes, next month it seems.”

  “Can we go? Please say yes, please say yes!”

  I laugh again and shake my head.

  “I wouldn’t be pleasing you if I said no, now, would I?”

  She giggles and closes her hands behind my neck.

  “No,” she says shaking her head. “Indeed, I wouldn’t be pleased at all.”

  “And I can’t have that, am I right?”

  She laughs and her lips press against mine. Ever since she came back three months ago, I have never been happier in my life. She tells me she has never known this kind of happiness either so I am tempted to say we have reached a perfect balance in our marriage. We sleep in the same room, make the most of our nights to catch up on the time we have wasted, share everything and are the best companions to each other we could have dreamed of. I am a happy man and, as she pulls back and something sparkles in her eyes, I feel I am about to reach yet another level of happiness.

  “Now tell me,” I say linking my hands on her lower back, “why did you scream that way coming in? Poor Mrs. Leigh almost fainted.”

  I laugh and she bites her lip.

  “Oh, I should go and apologize to her. I didn’t know I sounded that hysterical. It’s only… I got so excited!”

  I inhale a sharp breath and tighten my embrace around her body.

  “Will you tell me what it is all about or do you want to make me beg?”

  She laughs and shakes her head. She lets her hands fall from my neck and cups my face. She details my features closely and a sweet, kind, amorous smile stretches her lips.

  “I am with child, John!”

  My breath leaves me as excitement fills my stomach and I grab her by the shoulders, reviewing her entire body.

  “What? Are you sure?”

  She nods.

  “Yes. I have been suspecting it for a while but now I am sure.”

  “Oh my God. Oh my God! Charity it’s beautiful!”

  I kiss her faintly before holding her to me and lifting her up to swirl her in the air. We both laugh and I steady us on the ground.

  “When is the baby due?”

  “Next Summer I suppose. I would say the end of August probably.”

  I smile and pat her face as to make sure she is real and my gaze turns darker. Charity notices it.

  “What is it?” she wonders with a frown. “Are you not happy?”

  I blink and shake my head so violently something cracks in my neck.

  “Of course I am happy! This is a dream come true, my love. You are carrying our flesh and blood, I am beyond thrilled.”

  A small smile stretches her lips but her frown doesn’t leave her.

  “Then, what is wrong?”

  I open my mouth to deny but I end up sighing.

  “It’s just… It is so dangerous for you, my love. Having a child is a miracle but a pregnancy isn’t without danger. I’m scared for you, my Charity.”

  She smiles at my words and closes her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. She pulls back only to cup my face and draw a kiss on my forehead. The touch of her lips on my skin makes me close my eyes.

  “I will be fine, my lover,” she says, her eyes locked with mine. “With you taking good care of me and Doctor Leroy checking up on me, I will be safer than any woman has ever been.”

  I want to protest but she doesn’t let me. She fuses her mouth to mine and my doubts and fears drown into her softness.

  “I love you,” I say observing her face and detailing her. “You are everything I have ever dreamed of.”

  She smiles and nods.

  “I love you too, John.” She places her hand on my heart and I spread my fingers over her belly where a part of me is growing inside her. “Like I could never love anyone else.”

  I smile and she smiles, our lips meet in a tender kiss and I hold my wife carrying my unborn baby tightly against me. Everything I need is right here, right now. She is my happiness.

  The End

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  About the Author

  Lily Holland loves to write about love. She writes sweet, romantic romances. She enjoys all genres as long as there is some love involved and has a soft spot for Historical and Regency romance. No matter the time, she considers there is always a place for instant love stories and happy endings.

  To Have and To Hold is the second book in the Unforeseen Lovers series, a Regency Romance series.

  Lily loves to chat with her readers, don’t hesitate to reach out!

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