by Amanda Wals
We disembarked, walked down the pier and found where we were to wait for our excursion. Rebecca held my hand while talking gaily with Jacob. Two white vans picked up the groups for our excursion. A family of four rode with us. Jacob was full of energy and kept talking and talking. Rebecca and Caitlin chimed in occasionally. I didn't say anything.
"You're awfully quiet this morning," Caitlin said to me in one of the few gaps in the conversation. "You okay?"
"I'm fine. Not much to say."
Our excursion was riding ATV's through the jungle. It was fun, racing through the bushes at top speeds. We took regular breaks during the ride to see underground caves, sink holes and Mayan ruins. Every time we stopped, Rebecca looked for Jacob as soon as she had her helmet off.
After the ride was over, we were taken to a beach club for swimming and snorkeling. Once we were out of the van, Jacob and Rebecca raced to the changing rooms. Caitlin followed them. I found a shady spot where I could see the changing rooms and the beach. Jacob came out first in his swimsuit and went to the women's changing room. Rebecca came out in her one-piece and they jogged together, laughing, towards the beach. A minute later, Caitlin came out in her bikini and walked towards the beach. When she got there, I could see her look for me. She said something to Rebecca and Rebecca looked around as well. Caitlin finally spotted me and walked back to where I was standing.
"What are you doing here? Why haven't you changed?"
"I've lost Rebecca to Jacob."
"What bullshit is this?"
"I've lost Rebecca to Jacob. If it wasn't true, then why are you the one here talking to me and Rebecca is the one at the beach with Jacob?"
Caitlin gave me a look. Concern? Dread? I couldn't read it. "I'll have Rebecca talk to you."
Caitlin went down to the beach. Rebecca and Jacob were swimming around, talking and laughing. Caitlin got Rebecca's attention and they talked for a little bit. Rebecca got out of the water and walked up to my spot. She kept her head down most of the walk.
"What's up?" she said.
"Rebecca, it's time for you to choose who you're going to be with on this cruise. Me or Jacob."
Her eyes went wide. "Umm...Let me go get Caitlin and Jacob."
She jogged back to the beach, got Jacob and Caitlin and all of them returned to my spot. Caitlin was asking questions on the way but got no answers. As they approached, I looked at their faces - Rebecca looked in pain, Caitlin was worried and Jacob was smiling.
"Jacob and I didn't tell you a few things when everyone met," began Rebecca. She was looking down at the ground. "We never broke up when we graduated. We said we were merely separating for a little while and if we were meant to be, God would bring us back together. We belonged to the same church at OU and faith is so important to me. When God brought us back together, I fell in love all over again." She finally looked up at me. "I'm sorry, Thomas. I told you once that I didn't love you. It was because I was still in love with Jacob. He was my first love and my true love. I'm sorry to end our relationship like this."
She reached out her hand to Jacob. His smile got even bigger as he took it. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Rebecca looked at me one last time then turned back towards the beach. She and Jacob walked off hand-in-hand.
Caitlin watched them leave. "The asshole! The bitch!" She turned to me. "Aren't you going to do something?"
"Do what?" I felt like a ten-ton weight had fallen on me. Every fiber of my soul ached in misery.
"Go beat the shit out of him."
"That won't get me back Rebecca. All it would do is make things worse."
"I'm going to..." said Caitlin as she moved towards the beach.
"Don't," I said quietly. I didn't have the energy to speak any louder. Caitlin turned towards me. "A lunch is included. Let's go eat."
We walked to the snack bar and ordered our food - a hot dog, fries and soda each. The dining tables were placed where they had a fine view of the beach. We ate standing on the side of the building where we couldn't see the beach. I could tell Caitlin was fuming. I guessed she wanted to confront Jacob and Rebecca, but thankfully she stayed with me. I was afraid the misery would overwhelm me if she left me.
After we ate, we walked back to where the van was parked and kept it between us and the beach.
"How's this going to work?" asked Caitlin. "I'm not sleeping in the same cabin as that asshole."
"Jacob and I will switch cabins. Once we do, I don't want to see them again."
Our time at the beach club was over. Our driver came to the van and unlocked it. Caitlin and I got in and sat in the back seat. The family got in next. Jacob and Rebecca came last, smiling and holding hands. They got into the seat in front of us.
Once they were seated, Caitlin leaned forward and talked quietly to them, mapping out our separation. She assigned each couple different pools and different dining rooms. Caitlin and I were to use the fitness center anytime before dinner and they had it after. Jacob and Rebecca were to make new excursion plans. If Jacob and Rebecca saw us in the hallway, they were to turn around and go the other way. Caitlin did this with a quiet voice filled with venom. Jacob and Rebecca agreed to everything Caitlin said. Good ol' practical Caitlin - I never would have been able to think of all the details she did.
Once Caitlin was done, she sat back next to me. I felt like I was in a huge fog. Rebecca and Jacob faced forward. Jacob put his arm around Rebecca's shoulders. If Rebecca had put her head on his shoulder, I think I would have burst out crying. Rebecca grabbed Jacob's hand and pulled it down to the seat next to her. Her discomfort with public displays of affection hadn't been a huge lie.
The rest of the day was a blur. Misery completely shut down my brain. Caitlin left me sitting in a chair in a quiet room on board the ship for I don't know how long while she made the room change happen, but otherwise stayed with me the whole time. We spent most of the time walking around the deck. The whole day, my entire relationship with Rebecca ran through my head in a loop. Prior to this cruise, I had been so certain that we were in love, would marry and live happily ever after. What had I missed? Caitlin probably talked to me at some point and if so, I didn't respond. I know I ate something that day, but I can't say what. I don't think I cried - I was too numb.
I broke out of the mental fog late that night when Caitlin blamed herself for my break up with Rebecca. We were at the stern, watching the wake. "I'm sorry, Thomas. I shouldn't have kept gambling with them Saturday. He started pulling her away from you then. And I definitely shouldn't have kept gambling with them last night."
"Don't worry about it." Caitlin gave a little gasp of surprise at my speaking. "It wouldn't have mattered." I turned to face her. "You heard her - she was in love with Jacob before he stepped on the ship. Once they met up, it was only a matter of time."
"If they hadn't spent that time gambling..."
"What? They might have dumped us tomorrow instead of today? Would that be an improvement?"
"No..."
"Then let it go. It was their choice. Nothing we could have done would have changed their minds." I turned back to the railing and looked out at the wake again. "The one thing which might have made difference is if I had gone to church with Rebecca."
"Did you ever go to church with her?"
"Once. It was awful. The sermon was all judgmental and condemning. Jesus loves those who hate what he hates. The stuff that turned me off of religion." I turned away from the railing. "Let's go to bed. Let's put an end to the worst day of my life."
We headed back to the cabin. The pain and misery enveloped me but now weren't overwhelming. I noticed for the first time what Caitlin was wearing - black short shorts and a clingy black blouse with thin straps on top which nicely showed off her broad shoulders and also exposed her midriff. Was Jacob really willing to give up this hot woman?
Stupid thought. There's a lot more to a relationship than good looks and Jacob's relationship with Caitlin had been coming to an end. He bailed out to get another
pretty girl rather than wait for Caitlin to dump him. Unfortunately, the other pretty girl had been my girl.
"Thanks for staying with me. I don't know how I would have survived today without you."
"You're my brother. I love you. You would have done the same for me. And I needed someone to be with, too."
I had been so focused on myself that I hadn't thought about how Caitlin was probably hurting as well. She hadn't been as serious with Jacob as I had been with Rebecca, but it always hurts to get dumped.
We went to my old cabin. I guessed because I was unable to move my stuff, Rebecca and Caitlin had switched cabins. Once we got in the cabin, we got a nasty shock - the bed was made up as one large bed. We hadn't told anyone that we would need two singles in our cabin from now on.
"I guess we'll be sleeping together tonight," said Caitlin. "I hope you don't move around a lot."
"I sleep like a log. I won't be any problem."
I hadn't brought any pajamas as I always slept nude with Rebecca. My mind slowly worked out that I should wear my work-out shorts to bed. I grabbed them.
"I'll brush and change in the bathroom while you change out here," I said.
I brushed my teeth, took off my clothes and put on my shorts. What does Caitlin wear to bed? She always wore night shirts at our parent's house, but she might wear something different on her own. I hoped she didn't sleep naked.
When I got out of the bathroom, Caitlin was wearing a shiny white night shirt - and balling her eyes out.
"Another fucking cruise ruined," she wailed. I moved towards her. "And they aren't going to give me a voucher for this disaster. Cruises should be so damn fun for me and they keeping turning out awful." I put my arms around her. "I'm cursed."
"You're not cursed."
"It doesn't fucking matter. This is the last fucking cruise I can take for a long time. The last fucking nice vacation. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. My girlfriends from college are going to laugh their asses off when they hear about how this cruise turned out."
Caitlin swung around to face the wall where Rebecca and Jacob's cabin was and raised a fist.
"And I am SO," she pumped her fist, "FUCKING", another pump, "PISSED", a huge pump, "at that lying sack of shit." Caitlin spun back to me. "We fucked three times yesterday. Morning, nap time and bedtime. At nap time, I asked him what was going on between him and Rebecca and he said," Caitlin changed her voice to a goofy male tone, "nothing, just being nice to an old friend." Caitlin's tears had stopped and her face was now flushed with anger. "He told me how hot I had looked in my bikini. How he was so happy to be away from Rebecca and with only me. Then at bedtime I was pissed as hell but he was so fucking smooth. He cracked jokes about Rebecca wearing a one-piece. He told me about how awful she had been at sex. He told me how much more beautiful I was than Rebecca. I swallowed it all. He had me feeling like the most wonderful woman in the world."
Then her face got more screwed up in anger and her voice raised to a yell, "Today, does he have the balls to say anything to me?! At least Rebecca said she was sorry! At least she explained why she dumped you! All that fucking asshole did was smirk! I have never felt SO FUCKING USED!"
She paused to catch her breathe. "If you hadn't stopped me," she said in her normal voice, "so help me God I was going to beat the living shit out of him. I was going to give him an ass whooping he'd never forget."
As angry as Caitlin was, I think she could have. She was as big as Jacob and had bigger muscles. Part of me seriously regretted stopping her as I couldn't imagine a guy more deserving of getting his ass kicked.
"You know what the worst thing is about this fucking disaster?" Caitlin continued. "We're paying for their love nest. We're paying for their shore excursions. They are going to have a damn great time on our dime. God, I want to put a life preserver on both of them and throw them off the fucking ship."
She sat there panting. It was like she had held her feelings in as long as she was caring for me, then exploded.
I don't get angry and I wasn't - it would be pointless. We couldn't kick them off the ship. If Caitlin had beat the crap out of Jacob, nothing would have changed. I strongly believed that success was the best revenge, but I didn't see how I was going to get revenge in this case as Rebecca was everything I wanted in a woman.
"Caitlin, this cruise isn't going to be a disaster. We're going to have a good time in spite of it all. We get along great. This is going to be like a family vacation on steroids. And you want to dance? I'll dance your ass off tomorrow night. And every night after. We won't have a great time, but we'll have a really good time." I gripped her hands. "Does that sound like a plan to you?"
She gave me a little smile. "That sounds fine."
"Good. It's my mission now to see that you're happy." If I had a mission, I had a purpose. If I had a purpose, then I had meaning in my life. I had had no meaning in my life when I walked in the cabin door. "Anything I can do - anything - tell me. Okay?"
Her smile got a little bigger, then she gave me a smirk. "You think you can dance my ass off?"
"I'm in pretty good shape. I'm certainly willing to try."
"Okay. Let's see who outlasts who tomorrow night."
I was glad to see a little sparkle in her eyes.
"It's late," I said. "We don't want to miss the excursion in the morning. Let's get to sleep."
Caitlin brushed her teeth and came back. I turned off the lights and we got under the covers. I was on my back and she was on her side facing me.
"Thanks for everything, Caitlin. I love you."
"I love you too, Thomas. Will you hold my hand please?"
"Certainly." I reached out and held her hand. "Good night."
"Good night."
As I lay there, I thought about what I owed Caitlin. The summer after my sophomore year, I had turned 21 and Caitlin had found a bar with dancing which would "misread" the driver licenses of her and her friends and let them in. I had wound up the designated driver. I hadn't known how to dance or talk with girls. Caitlin had taught me. She had shown me dance moves and had taught me how to react to my partner. She had worked on my conversation skills. She had done weight workouts with me.
The next summer soon after I had gotten back home, Caitlin had taken me to a party and I had met a girl named Lisa. The next day, Caitlin had told me that Lisa had really liked me. I hadn't known what to do next. With the two girls I had dated at college, I had gotten to know them in the dorms, had done some on-campus activity with them and, by the end of the activity, had ended up holding hands. That wasn't going to work with Lisa. Caitlin had helped me write texts to flirt with Lisa. She had written the text I sent to ask her out. When things had heated up between Lisa and me, Caitlin had explained to me in detail how to please a woman. I had lost my virginity to Lisa and we had fucked almost every day for the rest of the summer.
Caitlin had always acted like the lessons she had given me were no big deal, but I knew they had been huge. That's why I had been willing to lend her the money to buy her friends' vouchers. That's why I had been willing to buy the vouchers off her for Rebecca and me. And that's why I intended to do anything I could for her to have the best time possible on the cruise.
Tuesday, Belize
The next morning, I rushed us out of the cabin. I told Caitlin it was because I wanted to be sure to get to the pick up point on time, but I did it to minimize the chance of seeing Rebecca and Jacob. Still, I found myself regularly looking for them.
The excursion was a boat ride through the jungle to some ruins. We both wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt to minimize bug bites. Caitlin's jeans looked spray painted onto her. We were joined by three families who had school-age children. Caitlin and I were tentative at first - could we really have a good time together? Our guide was enthusiastic and proud to show us what Belize had to offer. He took the time to show us wildlife along the boat ride and educated us about the people who lived along the river. He had a great eye for spotting crocodiles on the river banks
and howler monkeys in the trees. I even fed a spider monkey. The excitement of the kids was contagious and soon Caitlin and I were having a great time. We enjoyed exploring the ruins and the view from the top of the high temple was spectacular. The trip back was almost as much fun.
We had lunch on the ship then went to the pool. We knew a lot of the people there. We hadn't talked to them for very long when someone asked where Rebecca and Jacob were.
"They dumped us and went off by themselves," said Caitlin.
"Are you shitting me?" said a guy named Zach. I felt like Zach was plunging a red-hot knife into my chest.
"They had dated before, which we didn't know when we invited them on the cruise," continued Caitlin.
"That's crazy! What are the chances of that happening?" asked Zach.
"I'm going to swim to the other end of the pool," I said to no one in particular.
"One hundred percent," Caitlin muttered bitterly as I dived under the water.
I swam to the other side of the pool and turned to look for Caitlin. To my surprise, she was only a few feet behind me.
"Let's get out of here," she said.
* * *
When we got back to the cabin, I suggested we go shopping.
"I don't have any money," Caitlin replied.
"You don't have to have money to shop. What do you suggest we do instead?"
She thought for a bit. "Okay. Let's go shopping. What shall we shop for?"
"How 'bout some clothes for you? I wouldn't mind checking out women trying on nice outfits."
We went to the ship's information desk and got some suggestions on where to shop. We took a taxi to an area with several small clothes shops. Rebecca didn't like to shop for clothes so it was something different for me.
