Dr Mathieson's Daughter

by Maggie Kingsley

  ‘OK, Theatre it is,’ he replied, but the minute Floella and Charlie had wheeled their patient out of the treatment room he snapped off his latex gloves, caught Jane by the shoulders and turned her round to face him, his blue eyes worried and concerned. ‘Are you really OK? I mean, really and truly OK?’

  ‘Of course I am,’ she protested. ‘I’m a bit shaky round the knees…’ Actually, now that the man had gone, and she’d no patient to focus on, she felt very shaky, but there was no way she was going to admit it. ‘My elbows got a bit of a bang, but apart from that I’m fine.’

  He stared at her silently for a moment, then shook his head, and his voice when he spoke was husky, uneven. ‘You know, you’re quite something, Jane Halden.’

  To her dismay her throat constricted and she knew that if he said just one more word she was going to disgrace herself, and embarrass him, by throwing herself onto his chest and bursting into tears. Quickly she forced a smile to her lips.

  ‘Yeah, right, Elliot, and whatever new favour you’re wanting, the answer is no.’

  A brief answering smile sprang to his lips, and then it was gone.

  ‘You could have been killed!’ he exclaimed, his relief giving way to anger. ‘Never do that again, do you hear me? Never!’

  ‘Do what?’ she protested. ‘I was simply unlucky enough to get in the way of his fist.’

  ‘Talking to him like that,’ he continued as though she hadn’t spoken. ‘Trying to distract him—’

  ‘It worked, didn’t it?’ she interrupted.

  ‘That’s not the point—’

  ‘Elliot, I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss,’ she said, stripping the blood-soaked paper sheet off the examination trolley and binning it. ‘I’ve been in far greater danger in A and E before, and you never got all macho and protective over me then.’

  It was true, he hadn’t. Oh, he’d always been worried when one of them had been threatened by a member of the public, feared that it was only a matter of time before somebody got seriously hurt, but he’d reluctantly accepted—as they all had—that it was one of the hazards of the job. And yet now…

  Never had he felt such rage before, never had he felt such fear.

  Of course you were angry and afraid, he told himself as he watched Jane binning the soiled dressings they had used and saw from the reddening on her elbows that she would be black and blue tomorrow. Dammit, it was Jane who’d been in danger, Jane who’d been slammed into the wall. She’s your colleague, your friend, so it’s only natural you should feel this way.

  And would you have felt the same if it had been Gussie or Floella or Kelly?

  Of course he would, he thought firmly, only to suddenly realise it wasn’t true. Oh, he would have been concerned about them, angry with the perpetrator, but he wouldn’t have felt the overwhelming fear and anger he felt now, and he couldn’t understand it. He couldn’t understand it at all.

  All he knew for certain as he noticed that a policeman had arrived to release the woman in 2 from her handcuffs—handcuffs Elliot hoped he’d use on the young thug who’d attacked Jane—was that he was glad their shift was nearly over. Glad that he’d persuaded Jane to go with Nicole and him to the zoo. After this morning’s incident, if she hadn’t agreed to come with them he’d have spent the whole afternoon wondering what kind of trouble she was getting into.

  At least at the zoo he’d be able to keep an eye on her. At least there he’d be able to relax and enjoy himself.

  He didn’t.

  Oh, it was a beautiful afternoon, the blue sky shot with the high clouds of early spring, the daffodils starting to die back but the tulips just beginning to open, and everything should have been perfect—but it wasn’t.

  They took Nicole to see the elephants and the giraffes, and the little girl managed to look dutifully enthusiastic. They took her to watch the penguins and the monkeys being fed, and she laughed at all the right places, but by the middle of the afternoon when Nicole had answered all of Elliot’s questions in monosyllables or not at all he was gazing over his daughter’s head at Jane in despair.

  ‘Look, why don’t you get us all a hot dog from that stand over there?’ she suggested. ‘I’d love one, and I’m sure Nicole would, too.’

  Nicole didn’t look as though she cared much one way or another but Elliot made his escape with relief and Jane walked with Nicole towards one of the benches beside the duck pond and sat down.

  ‘It’s nice here, isn’t it?’ she commented.

  Nicole nodded noncommittally.

  ‘I’m surprised you’ve never been to a zoo before,’ Jane persisted, extracting a bag of dried bread from her handbag so the girl could feed the ducks. ‘I understand there’s a very big one in Paris.’

  ‘There is. Mama said she would take me there one day, but…’

  The little girl shrugged, and Jane cleared her throat. How was she going to say what she wanted to say tactfully, without it sounding as though she was either begging on Elliot’s behalf or trying to blackmail his daughter?

  Just say it, a little mental voice insisted, and she did.

  ‘Nicole, I know that sometimes…sometimes your father might appear a bit cool and aloof, but he cares a great deal for you.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t,’ the little girl replied. ‘In fact, he doesn’t like me at all.’

  ‘Oh, but he does!’ Jane protested, aghast. ‘In fact—’

  ‘I like you,’ Nicole interrupted, throwing a piece of her bread towards the expectant ducks. ‘I think you’re nice.’

  ‘Well, thank you,’ Jane declared, considerably flustered. ‘Nicole, your father—’

  ‘My papa and you—you are lovers?’

  ‘No, of course not!’ Jane exclaimed, blushing furiously. ‘We’re simply friends, that’s all. We work together, share a flat…’ At least they were sharing one for a month, but she saw no need to tell the child that the arrangement was temporary. ‘Nicole, your father loves you—’

  ‘He doesn’t. I saw his face when I arrive. He does not want me living with him. I am…’ She frowned. ‘My friend Stephanie, she uses a word…A pest. That’s it. I am a pest to my papa.’

  ‘Nicole—’

  ‘I should have stayed in Paris. I had lots of uncles there. I should have stayed in Paris with one of them.’

  Uncles? Elliot had told her his ex-wife had had a sister, a Michelle Bouvier who was an archaeologist, but he’d never mentioned any brothers. ‘Nicole, these uncles of yours—’

  ‘They weren’t my real uncles, of course,’ the little girl continued, as though that should have been self-evident. ‘They were my mama’s boyfriends, but she said it would make things easier if I called them uncle.’

  ‘Did she?’ Jane said faintly.

  Nicole nodded. ‘Some were nice. Some were not so nice, but Mama seemed to like them all.’

  All? Good grief, how many had there been?

  ‘Nicole—’

  ‘Two hot dogs, as requested,’ Elliot announced brightly, and Jane didn’t know whether to feel relieved or sorry that he’d arrived when he had, and decided that she wished he’d come earlier.

  If he’d arrived earlier he would have heard what Nicole had said, and then she wouldn’t have to do anything about it. And she didn’t want to do anything about it. She wished the girl hadn’t told her, wished she’d never suggested coming to the zoo in the first place. If they hadn’t come, and Nicole hadn’t casually dropped her bombshell, she wouldn’t have that knowledge lying on her chest like a lead weight.

  And Elliot didn’t look any happier than she felt when his daughter took her hot dog and the bag of stale bread over to the duck pond.

  ‘Well, I don’t think we can say that this outing is turning out to be any kind of success, do you?’ Elliot said ruefully.

  ‘I think Nicole liked the bush-babies—’

  ‘Yes, but we’re not exactly talking, are we?’ he interrupted. ‘I mean, she’s over there eating her hot dog, and I’m over here with you.
’

  She sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I thought it was a good idea—’

  ‘I’m not blaming you,’ he said quickly. ‘I would never blame you.’

  You would, if you knew what I know, she thought, staring down at her uneaten hot dog, which suddenly had all the appeal of yesterday’s leftovers. If I hadn’t said anything to Nicole, I would never have known, and I wish to heaven I didn’t.

  ‘Jane.’

  ‘Mmm?’

  ‘You’d feel a lot better if you simply said whatever you’ve got on your mind, instead of chewing your poor lips to ribbons.’

  He’d swung round on the bench to face her, his blue eyes dancing, and she flushed guiltily. ‘It’s nothing…’

  ‘In a pig’s eye is it nothing,’ he protested. ‘Come on. Spit it out. What have I done wrong now?’

  ‘Nothing. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s just…’

  ‘Jane, unless you’re trying to work up the courage to tell me I have a personal problem my friends are too embarrassed to mention, I think I can handle whatever you want to say,’ he declared, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. ‘Come on, spit it out.’

  She didn’t want to tell him what Nicole had said. She’d have given anything in the world not to tell him what his daughter had revealed, but he was waiting, and she knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  ‘Nicole…when you were getting the hot dogs…she was talking about her mother. She said—Now, Elliot, she could have got this all wrong, completely misunderstood the situation,’ she added quickly, seeing the amusement in his face turning to bewilderment, ‘but she told me…she said she had lots of uncles in Paris. Uncles who used to come and stay with her mother.’

  ‘She said what?’

  ‘Elliot, she’s only six,’ Jane continued, thankful that Nicole was too happily engaged in jumping off and on the decorative stones that edged the gravel path round the duck pond to hear him. ‘She probably didn’t understand what she was saying, how we might interpret it—’

  ‘Oh, she knew, all right!’ Elliot declared, his voice grim. ‘Donna was a tramp when we were married, and she clearly continued being one after we got divorced. I could kill her for exposing Nicole to this. If she were alive, I would kill her!’

  She gazed at him in complete shock. She’d always assumed that he and Donna had got divorced because, like so many other couples, they’d simply grown apart, but now…

  ‘Do…do you want to talk about it?’ she offered, not knowing whether she really wanted to hear or not but feeling she had to say something.

  She didn’t think he was going to answer—part of her hoped that he wouldn’t—then he leant back against the bench and clenched his hands tightly in his lap. ‘I thought Donna was the most incredible, beautiful girl in the world when I met her. I fell madly in love with her, begged her—badgered her—to marry me, and eventually she said yes, and for a year we were happy.’

  ‘And then?’ she said softly.

  ‘She got bored. Her job took her all over Europe, from one fashion shoot to the next, and she met a lot of interesting, vibrant people who were a lot more exciting than the husband she’d left at home, slaving away at his boring old hospital. So she slept with a few—just to relieve the boredom, of course, you understand?’ he continued, his lip curling. ‘Then she slept with a few more, and I found out.’

  ‘Oh, Elliot—’

  ‘Please…Please, don’t say you’re sorry,’ he interrupted, his mouth curving into a sad travesty of a smile. ‘Say anything you like but, please, don’t say you feel sorry for me.’

  So she didn’t say it, though she desperately wanted to, and as she gazed at him compassionately a thought came into her mind. A thought that might explain so much. ‘Elliot, Nicole…Is she very much like her mother?’

  A betraying muscle tightened in his cheek. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And does…’ She cleared her throat. ‘Does that bother you?’

  The tendons on his knuckles showed white against the rest of his skin. ‘Yes, it bothers me,’ he said tightly. ‘In fact, if you want the honest truth, it bothers the hell out of me.’

  ‘Because you think if you allow yourself to love Nicole as you loved her mother, she might hurt you, too?’

  He kicked one of the pebbles on the gravel path in front of them and sent it ricocheting off the fence opposite. ‘Jane, every time I look at her I see Donna. I keep telling myself that she’s a child, that I’m not being fair, but…It’s sick—I’m sick!’

  ‘I’d say you were pretty normal myself,’ she said gently. ‘Look, how do you think widows or divorced mothers feel if their sons look like a husband they either loved or hated?’ she continued as he shook his head. ‘It’s not easy for them, but they get beyond it, grow to love their sons for themselves.’

  ‘I guess so,’ he murmured.

  ‘I know so,’ she insisted, and his mouth twitched into not quite a smile.

  ‘Bloody-minded, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course I am,’ she declared, relieved to see that some of the shadows were lifting from his eyes. ‘I’m from Yorkshire, and everyone from Yorkshire’s bloody-minded, unlike you soft southerners.’

  This time he did laugh. ‘Jane, how come a girl like you isn’t married or something? I’d have thought some lucky bloke would have snapped you up years ago.’

  Her own smile didn’t slip for an instant. ‘Too choosy, I guess.’

  ‘Stay that way,’ he declared, thinking of Charlie. ‘Get the very best—you deserve it.’

  Maybe she did, but the trouble was that she didn’t want the very best, she thought wistfully. She wanted the man sitting next to her. A man who could be thoughtless and stupid and downright blind at times, but still she wanted him.

  ‘And because you’re the nicest, kindest person I know,’ he continued, ‘I want to ask you a huge favour. I want you to stay with me and Nicole until my mother comes back from Canada at the beginning of June.’

  Her smile vanished. ‘Oh, Elliot—’

  ‘Janey, it’s been working really well—the three of us living together. Nicole adores you, and I can go to work, secure in the knowledge that you’re there when I can’t be.’

  ‘But, Elliot—’

  ‘Janey, I know my mother, and I know you. The agency could send me anybody, and Nicole’s had so much upheaval in her life already, I don’t want to put her through more unless I have to.’

  Say no, her heart urged as he gazed at her hopefully. Floella was right. You are getting too involved. It’s bad enough that you’re in love with him, but what if you start loving his daughter, too? Get out now before you’re in way over your head.

  ‘Elliot, I really don’t think this is a good idea—’

  ‘Give me one good reason why not,’ he demanded.

  She couldn’t. At least not one she was prepared to tell him.

  ‘Good, that’s settled, then.’ He beamed, taking her silence for agreement. ‘Now, there’s just one other thing I was wondering—’

  She never did find out what it was because a sudden sharp cry of pain had her whirling round on the bench to see Nicole lying spread-eagled on the gravel. Jane was on her feet in an instant and running towards her before she realised Elliot was, too, and with difficulty she slowed her pace. Nicole was already sitting up, tears trickling down her cheeks, clearly more frightened than hurt by her fall, and Jane held back deliberately, wondering what he would do.

  And at first, to her dismay, he didn’t do anything. Oh, he bent over and said something to his daughter, but he didn’t do anything.

  ‘Pick her up,’ she muttered under her breath. ‘Elliot, pick her up, hold her, whisper any nonsense you like, but pick her up!’

  He couldn’t have heard her—there was no way he could have heard her at that distance—but suddenly he did just that, and as he wrapped his arms around his daughter and Nicole clung to him and sobbed into his chest, Jane felt a hard lump in her throat.

  It was a step. All right, s
o perhaps it wasn’t a very big one, but at least it was a step.

  And as she continued to watch them, her lips curving into a tender smile, she suddenly realised something else. Something that caused the smile on her lips to disappear in an instant.

  She’d been wrong when she’d told herself that she should get out now before she grew to love Nicole. It was already too late. She already loved the little girl, and all she could see ahead for herself was heartbreak.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ‘I THINK you’re out of your mind.’

  ‘I know, Flo, so you’ve said,’ Jane sighed as they came out of the staffroom and made their way back to A and E. ‘Every day since last week.’

  ‘I mean, agreeing to do it for one month was bad enough, but agreeing to do it for three! I think you’re crazy.’

  ‘Flo, could you just drop it, please?’ Jane pleaded. ‘OK, I’m out of my mind. OK, I’m crazy, but it’s my life.’

  Floella opened her mouth, then closed it again and shook her head. ‘Just don’t turn round in two months’ time and say that I didn’t warn you.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘And don’t expect any sympathy from me when you’re sobbing into your coffee because Elliot’s whisked his daughter off to live with his mother in Hampshire.’

  ‘Definitely not.’ Jane nodded, and a rueful smile appeared on the staff nurse’s face as she pushed open the doors of the treatment room and they walked through them together.

  ‘You’re too damn soft for your own good, you know.’

  Everyone seemed to be telling her that recently, Jane realised as Floella hurried off to speak to Kelly. And everyone was right. But what else could she have done? If she’d walked away, and later discovered that Nicole was desperately unhappy with the housekeeper Elliot had hired, she knew she could never have lived with herself.

  And what about you? her little voice demanded. If you can’t leave now, how in the world are you going to be able to cope when Elliot takes Nicole to live with his mother, and you only get to see her occasionally, or maybe not at all?

  I’ll deal with it, she told herself. Somehow, some way, I’ll deal with it.