Try For You

by J. P. Oliver

  “He cheated?” Ace guessed.

  I grinned, small and sad. If only it were that simple.

  “Not exactly, no,” I said. “He lied to me—he had stage-four cancer. Inoperable. Fatal.”

  Ace swore under his breath. “Ryder, fuck, I’m—I’m sorry—”

  “It’s…” It was horrible. “It is what it is. I’d never been so hurt by someone before. It feels selfish to say it like that, but him keeping it from me until it was too late was just… I’ve never had anyone fuck me up like he did. I mean, I was in love one day and the next day he was just gone. He wasn’t even the one to tell me—his fucking mom called me to say he’d passed. It was like it came out of nowhere.”

  Ace was watching me, patient, wide-eyed.

  “I’ve been afraid of losing someone like that. Of being hurt like that again.”

  “Ryder—”

  “It just…destroyed me, you know?”

  “Ryder.”

  Ace touched my face, and for the first time in a long time, I truly felt it. Felt the love in his caress, simple and meaningful. It commanded my attention, soft and supportive, as he told me, “I’m not going anywhere.”

  18

  Ace

  It was a heartbreak I couldn’t begin to imagine.

  Seeing it on Ryder of all people—seeing this layer of himself he kept so well-hidden—was almost too much to take. I couldn’t stand to see him relive whatever pain he’d suffered through. Hand to his cheek, I did the only thing I could think of to show him how much he meant to me: I kissed him, slow and deep, hoping it would convey at least a piece of my affection.

  Especially since I wasn’t the best with words.

  “I promise,” I murmured, our kiss breaking but our lips still touching, “I’d never hurt you like that. Ever.”

  I felt Ryder nod slowly, dipping in for another passionate kiss.

  Gingerly, I set the wine glass on the ledge beside his to turn full in his lap, straddling him as his hands held at my hips. It was toeing the line between sexual and sensual, more an outpouring of love and a need to be close than fucking. No tension; only care.

  “I wish I was still speaking with my parents,” I said.

  Ryder’s lips moved across my jaw, hot and open-mouthed as it trailed down my throat.

  “So I could brag about you to—them,” I gasped, his teeth sucking a little mark. “Tell them how amazing you are…”

  He pulled back instantly to beam at me. His smile felt like a punch to my heart.

  But it didn’t last forever.

  “You’re…not speaking to your folks,” he deduced.

  I shook my head.

  “Why?”

  I sighed, exasperated. I’d left that all behind me, and while I was itching to keep the past in the past and separate from my new life in Harlan, what Ryder had just shared with me was enough to convince me that I could trust him with my own baggage.

  “After everything went down the way it did in Denver with my old precinct, word got out. The community was tight-knit. My parents knew the men I worked with and their families, so gossip was natural, um…”

  And, fuck, how did you phrase something like this delicately?

  Fuck it.

  “They disowned me. For shaming them with my perversions.”

  Ryder’s smile was wiped away. Dry and sober as a desert.

  I took a sip of my wine. “Like you said: it is what it is.”

  “It’s shitty is what it is.”

  “Mm. I tried to deny it, too,” I mumbled. “I didn’t want to end up like my cousin, Jay. He was kicked out for it. At least by the time my parents heard, I was already living on my own. When I realized there was no changing their minds, I had to make a choice: accept the transfer and accept my parents would never love me the way that I am.”

  I don’t know why talking about this made me feel shy, but it did. My eyes were trained on the bubbles, but when I chanced a glance up at Ryder, my heart pulled into double-time at the look on his face. Those gorgeous eyes, breaking for me.

  I didn’t even flinch when Ryder took my face in his hands, careful like I was made of glass.

  “Listen to me when I say,” he said, slow and serious, “that you don’t need to worry about them—because I’m going to love you more than any person on Earth ever could. Whatever they could give, it doesn’t hold a candle to what I feel for you.”

  I felt something break inside of me. A dam I’d spent my whole life building.

  Swallowing against the urge to cry, I asked, “Do you think you could love dogs, too? Because I’ve always wanted one and my parents would never let me get one—not even a puppy.”

  We stared at one another, wide-eyed, until Ryder’s laughter broke the tension. I sagged against him and he held me tight. I could feel the rumbling in his chest beneath my cheek.

  “Ace, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy and keep you happy.”

  I looked up at him, stunned.

  His smile was the last pull I needed, magnetized to his body.

  He pulled me into a kiss too heated to be comforting; it was his mouth and his wandering hands and his sweet promises, all of it way better than the wine he’d busted out. Trying out one of his own moves, I gently sucked his bottom lip between my teeth, letting it snap back with a wet little sound.

  Ryder’s breath stuttered against my mouth.

  God, I fucking loved him.

  “I think you’ve learned a little too quickly,” he hummed.

  I took his hand beneath the water, guiding it slowly to my hardening cock to show how easily my body was affected by him.

  “I had a pretty good teacher.”

  Ryder’s hand, firm and reliable, wrapped around me, pumping slowly.

  The friction and the water were too good. I pushed my hips to meet his slow hand, my head falling on his shoulder, mouthing kisses along his neck. It was unhurried, like the water made it so time wasn’t passing, each movement languid, and—

  I gasped against his neck, breathing in thick wafts of hot air against his damp skin.

  “You like that?” Ryder’s finger brushed against my entrance, barely a press inside, but enough of a promise to make my cock twitch. I hadn’t forgotten how he’d felt inside me for the first time—I might have been eager to repeat it.

  I lifted my head to bring our lips together. “You have no idea how much I like it…”

  Ryder shuddered against me, chest to chest, full body. It was strange to know I had that power over someone: the same kind Ryder had over me. To know I made him melt as much as he made me had a certain high to it.

  Tangled into a deep kiss, I rolled my hips, our cocks brushing, the trail of them gentle and teasing. What he did to me inside, the water only made worse: I already felt like I was burning.

  We only broke on Ryder’s groan, his head falling back against the edge of the tub.

  “What?” I asked.

  He was looking at me with a knowing little smile.

  “One of us is going to have to go inside to get the lube.”

  I bit my lip. “We don’t need it—”

  “Oh, yes, we do,” he laughed, kissing my shoulder. “I appreciate the enthusiasm, baby, but I’m not fingering you without it—forget about being inside you—”

  “I’ll get it,” I sighed, maybe a little too quick.

  Ryder chuckled as I stepped out, shivering at the cool air on my skin. I had to be careful on his wooden floors not to slip and fall with how much I was dripping (conveniently, towels had been forgotten in exchange for wine) because a trip to Harlan Emergency would definitely not be sexy.

  I came back with towels and tossed the lube to him. He set it aside and waded up to me, patting the lip of the tub.

  “Sit here,” he said.

  I didn’t like the look on his face. It was too bright and playful.

  “What are you—”

  “Just trust me.”

  I felt extremely naked and vulnerable sitting on t
he edge of the tub; he was submerged up to his shoulders, but only my calves dangled into the hot water. Anyone who wanted to could look through the trees around his patio and get an eyeful; I swallowed, knowing what he was thinking only when he pushed my legs apart.

  “You—you don’t have to,” I started, swallowing, shivering a little with the cool air touching my warmed skin.

  “I know.” Ryder smoothed his heated hands over my skin, my stomach, my chest, tweaking a nipple and chuckling as my whole body tensed. “You should know by now, I’m doing it because I want to.”

  Ryder mouthed along the inside of my thigh, each touch soft and sensitive, teeth grazing. My breath was held as I watched him with total fascination, wondering how I could have ever been so lucky to know him. Ryder was kind and sweet and funny and relaxed—all the things I never was—and yet here he was…

  Those beautiful green eyes glanced up at me through his lashes.

  “How are you so…” I started, not thinking.

  As if it was such a casual thing, he took my cock and kissed that next, appreciative, like he was melting a Popsicle on his tongue to get the full flavor. My fingers twitched, clutching at the rim of the tub.

  “How am I so what?”

  I made a strained sound—his mouth sucked a fresh pressure to the head. “Perfect.”

  Ryder didn’t answer because there wasn’t an answer he could give; it was just who he was. Instead, he busied his mouth taking me in deep—and, fuck, if he wasn’t holding back the first time. Those shallow bobs were nothing compared to this. It took all my crumbling focus to not fuck deep into his mouth, wet and slick and cavernous as he bottomed out and took me deep—did he even have a fucking gag reflex?

  A surprised whine slipped out of me. I covered my mouth quickly.

  Ryder hummed around me, lips wet with saliva as he began to bob, the friction white-hot and grating in the best way possible.

  “Is—is it like this when you…w-when—”

  He slid off, licking his lips. “When I what?”

  “When you’re inside me?”

  Ryder shook his head and stood tall to kiss me. “No—it’s way hotter. And tighter.”

  “Oh.”

  He took the lube from where it floated in the water nearby, and I thought maybe I could be the one to surprise him for once; without being told to, I turned my body over, bending over the edge of the hot tub with my legs spread for him. I heard him suck in a sharp breath, hand running appreciatively over my ass.

  I’d be lying if I said my face wasn’t about to boil over.

  “Ace…” Ryder kissed my tailbone. “You have no idea what you do to me, you know that?”

  “You gonna keep talking?” I asked, casting a sly grin over my shoulder. “Or are you gonna fuck me already?”

  Ryder wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. I knew that—saw it in his eyes as he dribbled lube liberally over his fingers.

  It wasn’t as slow and sweet at the first time. That was fine; he was careful, still, but it was messier, needier. Whatever little tricks he’d kept from using on our first night together were revealed to me bit by bit—he did this thing with his fingers, moving them rapid-fire over my prostate like he was vibrating, and all I could do was cry out for him, caring less and less for being proper and polite neighbors.

  I wanted to come with him inside.

  Happily, he obliged.

  Ryder was still something to adjust to taking inside of me, but it was better this time. Easier to anticipate. He slid into me slowly, but once I’d adjusted, I didn’t want just to make love. I wanted it how he was used to giving it; I wanted to experience the supposed Playboy that others had known.

  I didn’t know how to ask for it yet.

  So, instead I fucked back onto him like it was all my body needed.

  Ryder groaned, hands gripping my hips as the water sloshed gently around our bodies.

  “H-harder,” I breathed.

  The minute he picked up speed, I felt the change: it was a rougher push against that spot inside me, my body twitching with pleasure every time he rammed into me. The friction tore my voice from my throat until I was gasping minutes later, clutching, and—

  I knew I was screwed when he wrapped his hand around my cock and started pumping.

  His cock alone was enough to make me come, but the pleasure was overwhelming, coming from my front and back, consuming me, blinding me, throwing me down into a pit of ecstasy and all I wanted to do was sink into the roiling water and become part of it.

  When I came, it was into Ryder’s waiting hand—somehow he had the foresight to try and keep all this as mess-free as possible. Fucking into the slick of his hand was enough to make me go nearly limp, but I held myself up for his sake.

  My jelly limbs didn’t have to wait long. He came hard inside me, gasping, chest to my back and mouth on my shoulder, biting.

  God, it was perfect.

  I felt the words in my mouth, but kept them to myself.

  I love you.

  19

  Ryder

  I squinted against the sunlight, checking my watch.

  Half-past time to get this over with already.

  Lingering outside of Harlan PD, I’d already watched that asshole who pistol-whipped my mom get wheeled away; now it was time to see Benji Wilde off to prison. The trial—if you could call it that—had been quick with the plea deal he’d struck with Ace and Asher. Two years for his involvement in the robberies. He could have gotten way more, but some leniency was shown thanks to Ace’s master negotiating skills: the plea deal also meant we got told where the stolen goods were hidden and who the other getaway driver was.

  The doors opened and I cleared my throat. The sound grabbed Benji’s attention as he was marched towards the van by Eli and Willoughby.

  I thought of the Benji I knew in high school.

  If you were asking for my honest opinion, I’d believe Benji Wilde was a redeemable man. He’d been dealt a rough hand growing up, but he could make a change. Seek redemption, whatever that meant. In the end, it was all up to him; we were each in control of our own lives and it was up to us to make that choice. That first step.

  I pushed off the van, stopping short in front of him.

  Benji stared at me stoically, waiting for me to say something before cracking what was a small and crooked smile. “Hey, Playboy.”

  My lip twitched—but I had to school it in front of the captain. It was hard, though, not to laugh, considering it was Benji Wilde who had started that nickname all those years ago.

  “You’re getting off light,” I told him. “You know that, right?”

  With a mask of indifference, Benji squared his chin and held my gaze.

  I clicked my tongue. “Use your time wisely, Wilde—reflect on what the fuck you want your life to be when you come out, all right? What you want out of it.” There was a secret hand I’d been keeping to my chest, wondering whether or not to play it. Looking at how he was pointedly trying to not listen to me, I decided to play it.

  With a grin, I leaned in, voice a suggestive whisper. “You know, if you ever want to stand a chance of Gavin looking at you, then maybe consider shaping the fuck up?”

  The mask cracked. Benji’s eyes went wide and that was all I’d say on the matter.

  Side-stepping, I made a gesture for them to carry on.

  The look on Benji’s face as he took one last, surprised look at me made me chuckle.

  It had sunk in, and he’d have two more years to do something about it.

  Yeah, Benji Wilde was gonna be just fine.

  “So you just read the leaves and they tell you…what, exactly?”

  I shushed Ace gently, hand on his knee. “Let her focus, baby.”

  Ace pouted a little, but watched Nori as she turned our china teacups round and round, tilted them this way and that, seated on the sofa opposite from us in her living room. Taking Ace to visit her (properly—not to search for surveillance tapes) was becoming a regular o
ccurrence. In the nine weeks since the burglary cases were filed as closed, I’d started taking him to my usual lunches with my mom.

  He was nervous at first, for sure. I didn’t blame him with his track record regarding his own folks, but Nori took to him within the hour, talking about his big and kind heart and all that. Like I didn’t already know.

  This time it was tea leaves. She’d insisted on reading them after Ace started asking about how she knew…well, any of what she knew.

  I grinned, sitting back and watching Ace watch her with rapt fascination.

  And Nori was admittedly putting it on a little bit, humming and aww-ing before slamming Ace’s cup down on the coffee table. He jumped almost clean off the couch and had the audacity to glare at me for laughing about it.

  “Very interesting,” Nori hummed.

  “What does it say?” Ace asked, hand resting over mine. It was funny to watch someone experience what had been a big part of my whole life for the first time—and special, too, knowing that I was sharing it with Ace.

  Nori grinned between the two of us. “I see…not one, but two babies in your future. Your very near future, actually.”

  Ace laughed, brows raised at Nori. He looked at the specks of tea leaves in the bottom of the cup, like they’d tell him she was kidding.

  “I’d say it’s a little too soon for that, wouldn’t you?” Ace said. “I mean, we haven’t even…”

  He paused, offering a shrug to Nori, though it wasn’t a secret at this point. Months in, and neither one of us had whipped out the big guns: saying I love you.

  Nori wrinkled her nose, smiling, silent and enigmatic as she picked up each cup and brought them to wash in the kitchen. Ace relaxed, thumb brushing over my knuckles as we sat together in comfortable silence. I could tell he was thinking about what she said.

  I could have laughed: for a detective, his ability to sense a trap was a little bit shit.