The Secret History of Hatty Ha Ha ... Begins

by S M Mala

  ‘I think that’s fair,’ said Murray.

  Jake wasn’t sure if he wanted to take on this assignment.

  ‘I haven’t even agreed to this!’ he barked while he trying to avoid looking at her, knowing she was staring at him. ‘Anyway, how comes you’re not going all funny about stepping on the beach?’

  ‘The water never goes higher than there,’ she said, pointing to a rock in the direction where Gina and he had been. ‘You’ve been to that part of the beach, haven’t you? I swore I saw you there with an island stray.’

  ‘What do I get out of this?’ he snapped back, hating the fact she reminded him about Gina.

  ‘Can you leave Jake and me on our own to discuss this please?’ said Hatty. Murray walked past them and Delores glared angrily at her. Hatty watched until they were out of ear shot. ‘Listen, you owe me after hurting my feelings.’

  ‘You were such a little bitch last night!’ he hissed. ‘I don’t owe you anything and it’s me who should be setting the terms not you!’

  ‘I have an idea,’ Hatty smiled. Jake’s heart started to pound really quickly as she moved closer and whispered in his ear. ‘If you help me, I’ll show you how to make me come again and in turn I’ll give you the best orgasm ever.’

  ‘Go away!’ he said pushing her gently back as Hatty looked wide eyed at him. ‘What can you teach me?’

  Hatty moved closer and he felt her lips and breath by his ear. Then she placed her mouth on his and gave him a gentle kiss, brushing her tongue against his lips before pulling away. He felt his heart pounding frantically in his chest.

  ‘You make me come and I’ll let you take my cherry with your banana and plums.’

  She laughed all the way into the house as Jake followed her. Hatty knew she’d got him as he went bright red.

  ‘You think you’re funny!’ he said.

  Hatty reached the kitchen and Ethel was standing with her hands on her hips.

  ‘Ya late!’

  ‘Me know,’ Hatty smiled and put on her apron.

  ‘Ya covered in sand!’

  ‘He pushed me,’ she said, pointing to Jake who still looked stunned. Hatty would have kissed him there and then based on his confused cute expression. ‘Face down onto the beach. It’s okay as I forgive him for treating me badly.’

  ‘Wash ya ‘ands,’ said Ethel, turning up her nose. ‘Master Jacob, me advise ya to step away as me teachin’ Hatty to cook.’

  ‘She can’t be any more dangerous in the kitchen than she is in a car,’ he said, pulling out a chair and sitting down. ‘Can I watch?’

  ‘Why?’ Hatty asked, seeing he was looking at her. The next thing he did was eye her up and down slowly with a smile. ‘I see.’

  ‘See what?’ said Ethel, taking a large bowl and putting it in front of Hatty.

  ‘Jake’s thinking about his ‘fruit’ incentive to teach me how to drive.’

  There was a massive clunk as Ethel dropped the rolling pin on the floor.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Jake said, rushing towards Ethel who seemed stuck mid bend.

  He picked up the rolling pin for her as Hatty knew what was coming next.

  ‘Ya mad!’ snapped Ethel. ‘Not get in a car wid ‘er. Me did it before she was arrested an’-.’

  ‘I wasn’t arrested,’ Hatty pointed out as Jake glanced at her, shook his head, and helped the old lady sit down. ‘They were trying to teach me a lesson.’

  ‘It not work! ‘ow ya get your licence back?’

  ‘Chief Harvey said if I took some more lessons. If he could see I was a responsible enough driver, he’d overlook the accidents,’ she replied, putting on her apron and peering into the empty bowl. ‘I’m not making more dumplings! All you ever show me is stuff made out of flour. I need some proper food.’

  ‘Me feel weak,’ Ethel said, grabbing a coaster and quickly waving it in front of her face. ‘Ya insure Jake?’

  ‘I have insurance,’ he replied and sat back down as Hatty secretly eyed him up and was caught by a grimacing Ethel.

  ‘Me mean life insurance.’

  ‘That’s not funny,’ said Hatty.

  ‘‘e not be laughin’ when ‘e see ‘ow ya drive.’

  ‘Enough of the criticism. What am I going to make today?’

  ‘Chicken an’ potato curry.’

  ‘What’s the large bowl for?’

  ‘Ya need potato, don’t ya?’

  Hatty sat on the balcony peeling potatoes and watched Jake sun bathe on the grass. He had his top off as she scowled.

  ‘It’s not even ten thirty and you’re trying to catch cancer,’ she sniffed.

  ‘We haven’t actually discussed terms and payment for the driving lessons,’ he replied, eyes shut. ‘And who said I actually want to get to know you better.’

  ‘And the swimming lessons?’ she said quietly, while peeling another potato. ‘You liked it then.’

  ‘Maybe I don’t like it now.’

  ‘I see,’ she said, feeling the brunt of the comment. ‘Then think of something else. I could pay you cash with the money I make from the market.’

  ‘How much?’

  ‘How much do you want?’ Hatty replied, deflated he didn’t want her anymore. She focussed on removing the eye from a potato and promptly gorged out the middle. ‘I have to pay rent to Murray and cover expenses but I can pay you. When I get a lodger there’ll be more-.’

  ‘A lodger?’ he said, sitting up on his elbows. ‘You’re going to rent out rooms?’

  ‘Do you think I got it for free? Your father’s charging me an arm and a leg,’ she lied, knowing full well Murray hadn’t given her a rate but she didn’t want to part with her hard earned cash, just yet.

  ‘I’ll move in.’

  ‘Not you won’t!’

  ‘Why not? It’s closer to work and it’s only part payment as I want what you promised.’

  ‘Hold on a minute,’ she said, throwing down the peeler and stomped up to him. ‘That’s not fair. I don’t want you to live in my house.’

  ‘My father’s house.’

  ‘I’ve only started living there on my own!’

  ‘That house is too big for you and it’s practical to have someone in there as well.’

  ‘It’s safe,’ she said, looking down at him as he put his hands behind his head. ‘Have you seen the security?’

  ‘Do you know I can see up your dress?’ he smiled, as she stepped back. ‘Why are you trying to make me want you?’

  ‘What did you say?’ Hatty crouched down and peered into his face. ‘I thought you’d prefer payment with sex.’

  ‘Not after last time.’

  ‘If you don’t find me attractive fine,’ she said, standing up and noticing Ethel was looking at them from the door. ‘You’ve told me once before and I haven’t forgotten.’

  ‘Ya not finish peel dem potato?’ Ethel scowled, smiling at Jake then back at Hatty. ‘Or ya distracted?’

  ‘I am not distracted,’ she said, throwing herself down on the balcony and peeling fast. ‘And you father wouldn’t approve!’

  ‘Me fader dead,’ said Ethel, shuffling out towards her.

  ‘Not your father, his father.’

  ‘Approve of what?’ the old lady asked, peering into the bowl. ‘What ya do? Grow dem potato first?’

  ‘I’m going to be Hatty’s new lodger,’ Jake said as Ethel raised her eyebrows.

  ‘Ya not like me cookin’ Master Jake? Ya want sum of Hatty fritter?’ Ethel started to laugh loudly.

  ‘I told her,’ shrugged Hatty as Jake smiled. ‘And I haven’t agreed.’

  ‘You better be nice to me Hatty as I’m driving you to the market tomorrow which means I’m moving in tonight.’

  ‘Auntie Ethel, tell him he can’t move into my house!’

  Hatty stood up so quickly she accidentally kicked the bowl of peeled potatoes on to the ground.

  ‘Ya need company,’ Ethel replied as Jake slowly started to sit up.

  Hatty could see she was getting no sup
port.

  ‘She needs help paying the rent and I can contribute, plus she’s in debt to me.’

  Hatty was fit to spit blood at him.

  ‘What rent?’ asked Ethel, slightly confused.

  ‘Rent!’ snapped Hatty and Ethel glared at her. ‘The money I have to give Mister Murray to live in the house as he owns it.’ The woman started to laugh again. ‘Are you going mad auntie?’

  ‘Ya pay rent? When ya ever pay for anytin’? Me not able to keep up wid what goin’ on,’ she sighed and walked back into the kitchen as Hatty bent down to pick up the potatoes.

  She noticed Jake moved quickly to help her as he bent down.

  ‘When you finish cooking you can come to my room and help me pack,’ he said, throwing the last potato into the bowl.

  ‘You’re not moving in! You’ve been here just over a week and you can’t call the shots!’

  ‘I’m not going to touch you. I’m saving your virtue.’

  Hatty’s felt her face get hot, knowing it was going completely red as Jake smiled brightly before laughing out.

  ‘How was I to know I’d end up a virgin for life as no man wants to touch me, especially on this island,’ she said quietly.

  ‘You’re still a virgin?’ he asked and she noticed his half smile.

  ‘You’re an idiot!’ She then shouted out. ‘Auntie Ethel, me not able cook.’

  ‘What!’ shrieked the voice from the kitchen.

  ‘Master Jake give me headache!’

  ‘Hatty! Ya can’t leave tings ‘alf done.’

  ‘That’s right Hatty,’ Jake said, moving closer. ‘You can’t leave things half done, including us.’

  After she’d helped Ethel cook, but couldn’t remember a thing she’d been taught, Hatty waited until the coast was clear and got on her bike, heading off home. The jeep was still in the garage so she thought if she could get back to the house and put the security on he wouldn’t be able to move in.

  She put her bike to the side and took the curry and placed it in the fridge before flinging off her dress. Hot and sweaty, she walked down to the fresh water pool in her underwear, stripped off and took a dip. Hatty played in the water and let the sun shine on her face, realising her hair had fallen out of her clip and was getting wrapped around her neck.

  As she stood up to put her hair up, she got the shock of her life when she saw Jake propped up against the tree, grinning at her.

  ‘What a welcome, housemate!’ he laughed.

  She immediately sunk down in the water.

  ‘You pervert! How’d you get in?’ she bellowed, covering her breasts.

  ‘I told dad you kindly offered me to stay with you in repayment for the driving lessons and guess what? He gave me a set of keys!’ He jangled them in front of his face. ‘Wasn’t that kind?’

  ‘You have no right to come here!’ she barked, spitting out water then watched him pick up her underwear. ‘What’re you doing?’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re so shy, I’ve seen if before,’ he smiled and sniffed her underwear then pulled face. ‘I can see why you took a dip.’

  ‘You shit!’

  ‘You’re a cock teasing shit!’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘You know exactly what I’m talking about. Staying here’s a better option than being threatened with foreplay courtesy of you.’

  ‘I don’t want you to stay here!’ she said angrily, insulted by his comment.

  ‘Tough!’ he said and walked off with her clothing as she stood up.

  ‘I hate you Jake!’ she screamed out.

  ‘Good!’ he yelled back.

  She stormed out of the water, walked up the path towards the house and went to open the door.

  It was locked.

  ‘Let me in!’ she said, hammering at the backdoor. ‘Jacob!’

  ‘You need to dry off and calm down,’ he shouted from the window as Hatty stood there and silently fumed. ‘Go stand in the sun and in five minutes, I’ll let you in.’

  She noticed he opened the window and pointed to the spot.

  ‘Don’t tell me what to do!’ she said and walked to the side of the house where her work room was, trying to see if the window was open only to see Jake following inside.

  Hatty stood to the side where he couldn’t see her and in the sunshine. Her hair was dripping wet. She never expected another human being to be inside the house, other than her.

  Five minutes later, she walked to the back door. He’d kept his word and had unlocked it. Taking a deep breath, so she wouldn’t scream the place down, she walked in and up the stairs. Jake was nowhere to be seen as she looked around and went into her bedroom, slinging on her vest and dungarees.

  ‘I’ve moved in next door,’ she heard him shout out as she shook her head furiously. ‘So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?’

  ‘Stop telling me what to do!’ Hatty barked and Jake’s heart was beating fast as she just avoided the oncoming petrol truck.

  ‘You nearly got us killed!’ he said, leaning over her and holding onto the steering wheel, after she braked abruptly giving them both mild whiplash.

  ‘Didn’t you say turn right?’

  ‘Not when there’s a truck coming at high speed towards you,’ Jake snapped and looked to his right at Hatty holding on to the steering wheel, glancing at him from the corner of her eye. ‘You did it on purpose.’

  ‘No I didn’t,’ she said and he knew she was lying.

  ‘Can you get out of the driving seat, please?’ he gently asked.

  ‘Why?’ snapped Hatty.

  Jake narrowed his eyes at her frowning face and pursed lips. Something inside him wanted to laugh but he knew she’d just get annoyed.

  ‘You’ve had enough for one day,’ he said calmly, quickly reaching over and taking the keys out of the ignition.

  ‘You don’t trust me, do you?’

  ‘No I don’t trust you,’ he said and got out of the car, going around to the driver’s seat as she shuffled over into the passenger’s.

  Jake opened the car door and sat down for a minute, trying to find the words on which he wanted to express his feelings towards her driving.

  ‘Go on, say it,’ she grumbled.

  ‘Ha Ha,’ Jake said and twisted his body so he could face her. She sat with her arms crossed over her chest in her usual defiant pose. ‘You really are a menace on the road, do you know that? You don’t take any notice of what’s happening as you’re too busy glancing around at things. Concentration doesn’t seem to be your strength. And you don’t listen to anything I say.’

  ‘I can drive.’

  ‘I’m not sure you should.’

  ‘That’s not fair and the lorry was speeding towards me.’

  ‘Hatty, you were on the wrong side of the road.’

  ‘You told me to turn!’

  ‘Give me strength,’ he said, banging his head against the steering wheel and noticed she was trying not to smile. Jake placed his head on the wheel and looked at her. ‘Did Chief Harvey really say he’d give you back your licence?’

  ‘Yes he did,’ she sniffed before mumbling. ‘As long as I took some extra lessons and stayed off the road between rush hours and at night, he’d okay it.’ Jake started to laugh. He couldn’t see the police man didn’t trust her either but she obviously twisted him around her little finger to get what she wanted. ‘I haven’t driven for eighteen months to be honest, so I am a little rusty.’

  ‘Maybe we need somewhere not on the road, to start with, then gradually build up to it. Where did you learn to drive?’

  ‘I started driving when I was fourteen, behind aunt’s back, and then I did an intensive course when I was twenty in England and passed.’

  ‘First time?’

  ‘No,’ she said, turning her head away from him to look out of her window. ‘Fifth. It cost quite a bit of money. I did eventually pass but Delores refused to buy me a car. Then the drivers over here are really very bad and it seems I got the blame.’
Hatty turned to look at him. Jake felt something strangely twist in his groin and heart as he examined her face. The need to kiss her was too much as he started up the engine. ‘Are you giving up on the lessons?’

  ‘Don’t get upset with me but it’s honestly going to take a while to get you up to speed. I’ll drive you to the market for the next month or so and we’ll take it from there.’ He waited to see what she was going to do but noticed she was just looking at him. ‘Agreed?’

  ‘I think we need to talk,’ she suddenly said.

  ‘Okay?’ he dubiously replied. ‘Do you want me to drive somewhere else?’

  ‘Here’s fine,’ Hatty said, looking at the cars passing by. ‘I really don’t want to live with anyone in the house. I never imagined someone else would live there other than me.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, wondering what she was trying to say and knowing he had no intention of moving out as he hadn’t even stayed a single night.

  ‘I do need financial help to pay your father so I’m going to use you as a bargaining tool to offset my debt with him, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘And how do you intend to do that?’

  ‘I’m going to say if you were a tenant I’d charge you so and so amount but as you’re Murray’s son, he can take it off against the money I owe him.’

  ‘Ha Ha, how much are you intending to ask for?’ Jake wanted to laugh at her scrunched up face. ‘And how does that help me giving you driving lessons?’

  ‘It actually helps both of us as you’ll be living rent free. You can keep all the money you earn and I’ll be reducing my debt. Also you have the jeep and I need that car to get me to the Sunday market. We can both go to your father’s and take food supplies if needed, therefore keeping our outgoings low.’

  ‘And how will you repay me? I thought there was fruit involved?’ Jake smiled as she grimaced. ‘Actually, weren’t you going to teach me the finer details of foreplay to satisfy you?’

  ‘When I mention sex I know it gets you all hot and bothered so I thought this morning was only proof of that,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘I don’t care if you don’t find me attractive and still want to touch me. I thought I’d give you the option which you refused.’

  ‘I never said I-.’

  ‘Jacob, I quote ‘here’s a better option than being threatened with foreplay courtesy of you’, unquote.’ He sat there for a moment and nodded, starting the engine and driving back to the house. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’