The Line That Binds

by Carolyn LaRoche

  She could feel every ounce of his sadness as the wetness of his silent tears soaked through her shirt. Rubbing her hands slowly up and down his back, she pressed soft kisses to the top of his head. "It's okay, baby. It's going to be okay."

  Antonio moved suddenly, flipping her on to her back and reversing their positions. Hot tears fell from his face, landing on hers. "It's not okay. It will never be okay."

  She wanted to tell him he was wrong. That one day they would all get over what had happened but she couldn't. Gary had been his best friend. His absence in their lives would be a constant reminder that it could have been him, her husband, laying on that hospital bed instead of Gary. The thought of it forced a sob from her lips. Desperation filled her. Leaning up, Vivian wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down, crushing her lips to his. He responded immediately, channeling all the emotions he had no idea what to do with in to that kiss. His hands tore at her clothes, pulling her shirt up over her head. Vivian undid the button on her jeans and Antonio shoved them down her thighs. He was inside her in a heartbeat, the adrenaline left over from the night's events driving him.

  Their tears mixed with sweat as Antonio exorcised his demons. They cried out as one. Antonio collapsed beside her, his breath coming in heavy gasps.

  Vivian kicked her jeans the rest of the way off and rolled to her side, resting her head on his chest. His heart raced as he still gasped for air, proof that her husband lay beside her alive and whole. She could have been the one mourning the loss of her only love and a very guilty part of her felt so glad it wasn't.

  Antonio gripped her hand, squeezing so hard it hurt. "It could have been me." He was thinking it too.

  She nodded, pulling their hands up to her lips and pressing a kiss to his. "It could have been, but it wasn't."

  He loosened his grip, letting her hand go. "It should have been though. How do I live with that? How do I go to work every day and see Gary's car and know that he died and I didn't when I'm the one that called for help?"

  His heartbreak became hers. The emotions swirling in his dark eyes tightened a knot around her own heart. It could have been him. But it wasn't. Antonio had survived. There had to be a reason. Vivian pressed a kiss to his chin. "By knowing that it wasn't your time."

  "That's a fucking stupid reason."

  She leaned up on her elbow and looked down at him. "It's the best one I have. You think I'm not feeling the same thing? I watched Eleanor sob. I stood next to my best friend and her dead husband, knowing it could have been you. Next time it might be. You think that doesn't scare the shit out of me?"

  Antonio lifted his head and kissed her. "I love you. I'm sorry you were afraid. I never wanted you to experience that."

  "I love you too." She stretched back out next to him. "But you have to know, I'm always afraid for you. Every time you walk out that door, I pray you return to me. I hold my breath for ten straight hours until you walk back in."

  He reached over and touched her cheek. "I guess I never realized how hard it is for you."

  She shrugged. "I knew when we met. Your job is the other woman in our marriage and I accepted that a long time ago. But I still worry about losing you to it. It's a constant ache in the corner of my soul. What happened last night is proof enough of life's uncertainties."

  He yawned. "I will never leave you, I promise."

  "I know, baby," she replied, knowing that's a promise he could never keep.

  He yawned again.

  "You should get some sleep."

  Antonio rolled over on his side, pulling the covers up to his hips. "Yeah. I'm beat. Stay with me for a while?"

  "Of course." She lay next to him, her arm across his chest listening as his breathing evened out and thanking God he lay beside her with every light snore. An image of Eleanor holding the body of her husband flashed through her mind once more and her eyes filled with tears. She inched a little closer to Antonio so that she could feel his warmth.

  She stayed that way until she heard Tony, their son moving around downstairs. She grabbed some clean clothes and ducked into the bathroom to shower off.

  The house was quiet when she headed downstairs. Tony must have left already. She'd hoped to talk to him about Gary. Now he'd probably hear about it at school.

  As she entered the kitchen her cell phone rang. The screen said it was Marietta.

  She answered the call. "Hey, girl."

  "Viv! Oh my God! Can you believe what happened? How's Eleanor?" Marietta talked faster than anyone she knew on a good day. Under stress, her words all ran together in one long sentence. "Oh, Dios mio!"

  Vivian started the coffee maker and watched as her mug filled. The way her head ached it would be a multi coffee day for sure. "I just left her a couple of hours ago. She's how you'd expect her to be. I think the shock is starting to settle in."

  "I've got a dish of enchiladas in the oven. I figure those two boys of hers are gonna need to eat. Bringing some rice and beans too."

  "I was there when she called them. They are already on their way home. Food is always a good idea, Mari."

  "It's the southern way," she replied, repeating something Vivian said to her often. Having only moved to Virginia Beach a few years earlier from New York City, she and Ricky had been confused by sweet tea and fried chicken as a main diet staple.

  "We'll make a southern belle out of you yet." When her coffee cup had filled, she switch off the maker and took it to the table.

  Marietta laughed. "You can try. I'm always gonna be a city girl at heart. Now, what can I do for Eleanor?"

  From the refrigerator, she pulled out her favorite pumpkin spice creamer and poured some into the coffee cup. "I'm bringing wine over later. Join us?"

  "Now, that I can do and do well. Maybe I'll get a cheesecake as well."

  "Cheesecake with enchiladas?" Vivian sipped her coffee, relishing the hot liquid.

  "Cheesecake goes with everything, mi amiga," Marietta replied.

  After she returned the creamer to the refrigerator, Vivian sat down and leaned back in her chair. "I can't argue with that. I'm going to give her a few hours to rest and be with her boys, then I'll head back over. Maybe around five thirty."

  "Okay. I will meet you there. How's Antonio holding up?"

  "He's sleeping now. Carrying a lot of emotions though."

  "Survivor's guilt?" Marietta asked.

  Vivian sighed. "He feels responsible."

  "As if he could stop the guy from shooting that rifle."

  She swirled the coffee lightly in the cup, watching the liquid turn. "He thinks if he had shot the guy first, Gary would still be alive. He thought he could reason with the guy."

  "Poor Antonio. It's going to take some time to work through. He might have to talk to someone."

  Vivian chuckled, then sighed. "Have you met my husband? No way he'd go to counseling. That would be a sign of weakness."

  Marietta sighed. "Yeah, Ricky too. So, listen, Ricky told me something about what happened."

  "What did he say?"

  "He said it was the new guy's fault."

  "Connor Williams? Why would he say that?" Vivian pushed her chair out and stood up. She paced the kitchen, carrying her mug and sipping from it occasionally.

  "Ricky was there for the initial call. They attempted to pull him over for running a stop sign."

  Vivian stopped walking. "And somehow that escalated to murdering a cop?"

  "Ricky says the guy was high on something. They are thinking spice. His eyes were glassy and his pupils were huge. When Connor approached him, he was agitated and not making any sense. Connor told him to get out of the car. The guy did but instead of cuffing him, Connor walked away. He forgot something in his car."

  "Where was Ricky?" Vivian asked.

  "He was on the other side of the car, detaining the passenger. By the time he noticed Connor had walked away, the driver had grabbed a rifle from the back seat of the car—I guess it had been covered by a blanket—and took off down the road." />
  "Did they go after him?"

  "Connor pulled his taser but he missed. Only got him with one probe. The guy went wild. Ricky put the other guy in the back of the car and he and Connor ran after the suspect."

  Vivian sat back down. "Did he say how Antonio ended up there?"

  "When Ricky called for back-up, Antonio was the first to get there. The suspect was in the middle of an intersection aiming at all the cars. Antonio tried to talk him down so he wouldn't shoot any of the civilians then Gary came racing up, lights and sirens and I guess it pushed the guy over the edge."

  Vivian leaned back in her chair and ran a hand through her hair. "Are you going to tell Eleanor about all of this?"

  "What good would it really do?" Marietta asked.

  She sat forward and folded her arms on the table. "I think I'd want all the details. Wouldn't you?"

  "I don't know." Marietta sighed. "I really don't know."

  Vivian let out a long breath. The entire thing had begun to overwhelm her. "I'm going to go run a couple of errands while Antonio is asleep. See you at Ellie's house around five thirty?"

  "Okay," Marietta said.

  They ended the call and Vivian put her phone in her purse. Grabbing a jacket, she headed out to her car.

  At the supermarket, she grabbed a few groceries and three bottles of wine. As she stood in line, the headline of the daily paper caught her attention: Virginia Beach Officer Dies In The Line Of Duty. A large picture of Gary's patrol car, driver's side door open and blue lights flashing sat on the front page. Just past the front of the car you could see Gary's legs and feet, where he lay on the ground. A smaller headshot of him in his full dress uniform sat below the large photo. Vivian picked up two copies and added them to her things.

  "Can you believe that?" The cashier pointed to the newspapers.

  "I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around it," Vivian replied.

  "He got what he deserved. I'm tired of cops thinking they can do whatever they want. That guy was just driving, minding his own business and they pulled him over." The girl rung up the bottles of wine and set them in a paper bag. "It's about time someone stood up to the cops."

  "Cops don't randomly pull people over for minding their own business."

  "Oh please, it happens all the time. My boyfriend's cousin got pulled over because he looked like he might run a stop sign. Cops searched his whole car and got pissed when they didn't find anything."

  Vivian finished unloading the rest of her items, trying not to laugh at the ridiculous story the girl had just told. "You know that's probably not how it actually happened, right?"

  "That's exactly how it happened. Stupid cops, thinking they can do whatever they want, whenever they want."

  Vivian picked up one of the papers and pointed to Gary's photo. "He's dead. You get that, right?"

  "Um, yeah. I'm just saying it's better him than the other dude."

  Blood rushed through her veins as her heart pounded in her chest. "He was shot in cold blood by a guy who was so high he couldn't remember his own name."

  The cashier shrugged. "Sometimes karma can be a real bitch."

  "Are you really serious right now? You can't actually be that dumb."

  "Who are you calling dumb?" The girl threw her hands on her hips and glared at Vivian. She nodded at the newspapers. "I'm not the dumb one."

  That's when Vivian lost it. Slamming her hands down on the conveyor belt, she leaned in close to the girl. "That dumb cop? He's my best friend's husband. She had to call her two sons this morning at college and tell them their father was murdered. And it was murder. He just showed up to help his friend stop a crazy man from killing innocent civilians. Since when is murder equivalent to karma?"

  The cashier stepped back, holding her hands up in surrender. "Hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't know."

  "You're damn right, you didn't. I don't think you know much of anything about anything." Tears had long since spilled over and were running down her face. "He was a good man. One of the best there is. He wasn't just a cop. He was a husband, a father, a friend—"

  Someone wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Looking up, she saw an older woman with tears in her eyes also. "It's a terrible tragedy what happened to your friend's husband." To the cashier she said, "You should be ashamed of yourself."

  "What? I was just making conversation when she started going all crazy on me. I didn't know she knew the guy."

  "Whether she knew him or not, doesn't matter. Perhaps from now on your making of conversation should consist of talking about the weather. Or maybe just food."

  "Is there a problem here?" A man wearing khakis and a royal blue button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up joined them. His nametag read, “Assistant Manager: Joe”.

  "Your employee needs to learn to watch her tongue," the older woman said.

  "Hey! I didn't do anything wrong!" The cashier's face had turned a deep shade of crimson. "That crazy bitch just started yelling at me!"

  "Who're you calling a crazy bitch?" Vivian leaned over the conveyor belt, getting right in the girl's face. "You have not yet begun to witness my crazy."

  "Get her away from me!" The cashier stepped back as far as she could. "She's fucking nuts!"

  Joe just stood there, looking nervous and uncertain. "Why don't we all just calm down and talk about this."

  "I don't have anything else to say." Vivian wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her top. "I just need to go." She paid for the groceries and gathered her bags. To the kind woman, she said, "Thank you for stepping in. I appreciate it and your support of our police officers."

  "We hope you'll shop with us again soon," Joe called after her, still sounding as confused as he looked.

  Vivian headed to the door. "I wouldn't count on it!" she called back over her shoulder. "Customer service here sucks donkey balls!"

  As she stepped through the doors, she heard the cashier yelling about how she didn't get paid enough to be verbally abused by customers.

  She fumed the whole way home, praying that Eleanor wouldn't hear anything like that as she mourned her husband. Pulling into the driveway, she parked and turned the car off. Her reflection gave away the tears she'd shed. Grabbing a fast food napkin from the glove box, she blew her nose and blinked a few times to get rid of the redness in her eyes. She could explain away the redness in her face with the chill in the wind but Antonio didn't need to know she'd been crying. Then she'd have to explain and what had happened would only fuel his flame of guilt and self-loathing.

  As soon as she walked in the house she heard the television on in the family room. She closed the door loudly to let Antonio know she was home then headed to the kitchen. "Hey, baby, what're you doing up already?" she asked as she passed the room he was in. He had the television on a cooking channel. Even from where she stood, he looked like crap.

  He didn't even look over at her, just stared straight ahead at the television. "Couldn't sleep."

  "Can I get you anything?"

  "I'm good."

  "Okay, then. I'm heading over to Ellie's this evening. I'm bringing plenty of wine."

  "Have fun." He didn't even turn to look at her. His indifference worried her, made her almost reluctant to leave him alone.

  "Oh, I forgot. She wanted me to thank you for taking care of Gary. She knows you were with him when he got shot."

  "Fucking wonderful." Antonio raised the volume on the television, apparently dismissing the conversation. She thought about going in there to force him to talk but Vivian knew better. Her husband could have won the Nobel prize, if there were one, for stubbornness every year since she'd met him. He just had to work through things on his own. When he was ready to talk, he would.

  "I'm here for you, baby, you just have to let me in," she whispered as she put the groceries away.

  When she finished, she sent a text to Marietta and Eleanor. Heading out in an hour or so. Anyone need anything on my way?

  Marietta: I'm good! Got the tastiness all loaded u
p

  Eleanor: My husband to come walking through the door with you?

  Vivian: I wish a thousand ways I could make that happen for you.

  She tucked the phone in her pocket and went to the bathroom for a tissue. Once she'd put away the items she'd bought and prepped sandwiches for her husband and son, Vivian grabbed her bag of wine and headed back toward the front door.

  "I'm leaving, Antonio."

  "Uh-huh," he answered.

  She walked into the family room and leaned over his shoulder to kiss him on the cheek. "There's sandwiches in the fridge. Tony will be home from practice by six thirty."

  "Thanks."

  Vivian walked around to stand in front of him. "You might want to put some clothes on before he gets home."

  Antonio waved her out of the way. "You're blocking the tv. I'm watching the news."

  She pointed at his bare chest. "You're also sitting here in your jockey shorts."

  "Your point?"

  Vivian set her bag down and dropped to her knees in front of Antonio. Taking the remote from him, she hit the mute button and set it down on the floor beside her, out of his reach.

  Antonio scowled but made no move to go after it. "Why did you do that?"

  "Because I want you to pay attention to me."

  He rolled his eyes. "If we are about to have one of those long drawn out discussions about what a terrible husband and father I am, save your breath. I already know I'm a fuck up."

  The level of emotion in his words cut straight through her. His eyes, usually the color of milk chocolate, were dark with sadness and regret.

  Vivian reached up and pressed a palm to his cheek, noting the scruff that had begun to form there. Antonio hated not being clean shaven. She stroked the scratchiness gently. "You are not a fuck up. Stop saying things like that."

  He pushed her hand away. "Whatever. Can I have the remote back now?"

  Vivian sighed and rested her head on his bare knees. "Please, Antonio. What do I have to say to convince that you didn't do anything wrong?"

  "Make Eleanor believe that."