by Ford, Mia
“If I die, I blame you,” I tell Dax. “Since you forced me into it.”
“Don’t worry, you will be fine,” he replies. “At least, I think you will…”
Perfect.
* * *
I should go, I think for the hundredth time as my eyes dart towards the door. He isn’t coming, give it up.
But Adam has a terrible habit of being late, I already know that, so I can’t use that as an excuse here. I know that if I give this up and run away I will never work up the courage to be in this position again. It has taken pep talks from Dax all day long and two shots of whiskey to make sure I don’t give it up. I need to stay.
The door swings open once more and my head swings around, but it’s just a group of women dressed up for a night out. I’m just about to order myself another drink when I sense his arrival. He’s here.
Adam lifts one hand to wave at me, without a glimmer in his eyes of what’s about to come, and he heads to the bar to get himself a drink. I feel sick as I watch him go, nausea swirls around violently in my stomach. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that what I share with Paisley is worth it.
We are in love; I remind myself to give me strength. I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone.
I think about the very essence of Paisley, the things about her that I love so much. She has really sucked me in and I don’t ever want her to let me go. I love her beauty, her personality, her sweetness, everything about her.
“Hey there, buddy.” Adam finally sits in front of me. “How’s it going?”
“Er, yeah it’s good actually.” Is that a shake in my voice? “How are things with you?”
I don’t realize that this is a bad question until the words spill out of his mouth at an almost uncontrollable level. He has clearly wanted to talk to me about all of this but hasn’t had the chance until now.
“I have met the woman that I’m going to marry,” he tells me proudly. Immediately I’m struck by the woman I saw him with recently, but I can’t ask him if that’s her… not without giving myself away. “Her name is Sian and her father works with my dad. Dad is the one who introduced us and she’s perfect. She has long blonde hair, a heart shaped face, and these lovely lips. She’s sweet too, and really funny.” He sighs loudly, truly sounding like a man who’s falling for someone. “You would like her. She’s so easy to get on with.”
“Right, I see…” It feels wrong to bring up Paisley now when he’s so happy. I don’t want to burst his bubble or steal his thunder. This isn’t an excuse; it feels like a genuine kindness. “That’s great.”
“We haven’t known each other for long, you know, but I already know. I can feel it. Me and her are the real deal.” He runs his eyes up and down me. “Sorry, this all probably sounds really alien to you. I know that you haven’t ever been in love and you don’t want to settle down right now, but I had to tell you.”
Huh, you’d be surprised, I want to yell. I know that feeling much better than you know.
“I’m happy for you.” I pat his shoulder instead. I really am happy for him, Adam has been a constant in my life, my friend through thick and thin, and I know how much he deserves a good life. “That sounds amazing.”
I raise my glass and we clink them together in a cheers gesture. We clink them together and grin. That’s the moment I decide not to tell him about Paisley right now. I will, but this isn’t the time. I want to make tonight about him because he has found the woman that he loves and that’s nice.
There is no point in ruining his fun by telling him that I have met the woman that I love as well.
“You know what, we should go out for dinner and more drinks.” I nod determinedly. “This calls for a celebration. Especially if this Sian is going to be the woman that you marry.”
“Oh, she is, believe me, and when we do get married you will be my best man.”
I’m not too sure about that, I think his opinion will change when I do tell him the truth, but let’s leave that for now. We can cross that bridge at another time. “That sounds perfect. Dinner and the strip club is on me!”
“Strip club!” He picks up on my joke but looks horrified, as if this is something I really mean. “I can’t do that. You’re really going to have to stop being a bad influence on me at some point.” He tosses his head back and laughs. “I want you and Sian to get along, more than you and my parents do.”
Hmm, he’s far too right about that one and it hurts more than it should now. I didn’t used to care.
I laugh and sling my arm over his shoulder. “Fair enough, we’ll just go for dinner and drinks then.”
“Dinner and drinks, that I can do. Hold on, let me just take our glasses to the bar first.”
“Always the good guy,” I yell after him. “That will serve you well in marriage I’m sure.”
Adam, married. God that might actually happen. That’s wild!
Just before we leave the bar I sneak out my cell phone and fire off a text to Paisley, letting her know that I can’t see her tonight. I would like to be with her, I always do, but I’m also looking forward to some quality time with my best friend. I still can’t believe that the two people in the world that make me happiest, overlap and clash in the worst possible way. I think I must be the unluckiest person ever.
12
Paisley
There’s a bad atmosphere clinging to the air all day long. I feel it in the morning when I rise from the hard uncomfortable sheets of my bed and I step into the tiny shower, it remains when I say goodbye to my parents and brother in the morning, and it sticks with me all day long. I can’t seem to shake it off no matter what I do. I do all the usual things, including having a nice time with my friends at work and keeping myself busy, but it’s there all the time, like an ominous black cloud, a warning of doom that hasn’t yet happened.
I have been a little bit this way ever since me and Josiah almost got caught out by Adam, but it hasn’t ever been this bad before. It’s out of control, made even worse with every step I take home.
I push the door open and peer my head around, nerves zig zagging all the way through my body. I just want to sneak up the stairs and not speak to anyone but of course, just like the ominous cloud, I can’t escape it.
“Paisley!” Mom calls out, sensing my presence. “Can you come here for a moment?”
My heart pounds in my mouth, making my tongue ache. But I do as she commands because I know there isn’t much point in hiding away. If she wants me, she will find me no matter what.
“What’s going on, Mom?” I find her sitting at the kitchen table, with her hands clasped tightly together. Her face is pale and taut; I already know that this is the bad news I have been waiting for. “Mom? Dad?”
Dad stands in the corner of the room, barely looking at me. His shoulders have rolled up around his ears which I know that he always does just before he has to deliver bad news. My pulse races even faster, my whole body trembles, I take a seat, not because I want to but because I know that I have to.
“Paisley, since we have had such success when it comes to Adam and Sian, we think it’s time to intervene with your love life as well.” I completely freeze, my heart ices over. “So, we have arranged a date for you.”
“A date?” I squeal. “Are you serious? Why on earth have you set me up with someone?”
Mom’s lips go in to a thin line. I can tell that she’s already getting frustrated with me which is ridiculous because she hasn’t even given me a chance to get my side across yet. I’m going to have an opinion on that.
“Because you are making little progress with your life right now, and we want to encourage you. Also, because we want you to end up marrying someone who is suitable for you.”
She narrows her eyes at me which makes me panic. Does she know about the very – unsuitable in her eyes – Josiah? Is that why she’s pushing this all of a sudden? Or is she just being as controlling as usual?
“Adam is twenty-eight. Why can’t I be that old before
you start searching someone out for me?”
“One, because your biological clock is much shorter…” Wow, that actually leaves me speechless. “But also, I would just like to point out that I am not arranging a marriage for you here. Just a date. Someone that your father thinks might be right for you. We are only asking you to give this person a try. Is there any reason why you can’t just give someone a try? Is there something that you have been keeping from me?”
Okay, if she doesn’t know she at least suspects which isn’t great. I hang my head low as I rack my brains, trying desperately to come up with a plausible excuse, but of course, there isn’t one.
“No, I don’t see why not. I can give someone a try.”
“Right, well go and put on your outfit that I have laid out on the bed and come back downstairs to meet him.”
I don’t even want to think about Mom being in my room. “Who is it?”
“It’s a man named Dan,” my dad finally joins in the conversation. “His father works for me.”
I nod. I should have known that was the case. It’s probably a tactical thing, not about me at all. But all I have to do is give this man a few hours of my time and I can tell my parents never to interfere again.
I head up the stairs slowly, sadness sinking all the way through me. I pull out my cell phone as I reach the top of the stairs about to text Josiah, but it turns out I don’t need to. He has messaged me and said that he can’t meet up with me tonight, which I suppose is a blessing in a gross disguise.
I drop my phone and pick up the navy blue dress which has been spread across my bed. It’s like a peasant’s dress from an era long ago. High neck line, will scrape my knees, long sleeves. It’s horrible, the sort of thing that my parents used to make me wear as a kid, definitely not the sort of thing I will meet the man of my dreams in.
But I suppose that doesn’t matter because I won’t be meeting the man of my dreams anyway.
I feel like a doll being forced into clothes that don’t quite fit me, but I do it anyway. I pull them on, twist my hair back in to a low pony tail, and with a deep frown burrowed in to my face I head down the stairs. I pause once as I hear a new male voice in the kitchen, but I suppose that’s only to be expected.
Just do this, I warn myself. Just get it over and done with.
With a couple deeper breaths, I make my way into the kitchen to see a bland looking man standing just behind my father. In fact, he’s actually like a younger version of my dad which means I really have to suppress a shudder. I don’t even care that I look ridiculous now, who cares what this person sees me as?
“Hi.” I hold out my hand to him, being polite, and he takes it. “I’m Paisley.”
“Yes, I know.” His tone is gruff and slightly unpleasant. “My name is Dan.”
His hand is slippery like an oyster, I want to snatch my hand away as soon as he takes it, but Mom and Dad are watching me like a hawk. I know I have to behave in a certain way.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Dan. Thank you for coming over today.” My voice is stilted and stiff.
“I am going to take you out to dinner if that is okay with you?”
I want to scream no but I suppose it’s preferable to sitting here and being watched. “Thank you.”
We remain for a little while longer with my eyes fixed on the floor and Dan speaking to Dad. I can still feel Mom’s eyes pricking in to me like those of a Hawk waiting to eat its prey, but I don’t look up. I don’t want to see her and for her to know that there is a real lie behind my eyes. She barely knows me, not the real me anyway, but I’m sure the deception is obvious to even a stranger. All of this is horrible.
Soon, it’s time to leave and I find myself really glad about it. The cold evening air is less restricting than the air inside. But I’m also glad when we find the restaurant and we head inside. There is noise in there and to be fair me and Dan haven’t really had anything to talk about. It’s been a very stilted time so far.
“I hope you like Italian food,” Dan says. “I didn’t think about it really. I just booked where I like.”
Hmm, okay, that seems like a bit of a shitty thing to say but I will just ignore that. Maybe he is just nervous. That could make him say stupid things. He still isn’t ever going to be the love of my life – I already have one of those thank you very much – but we can maybe just have a nice talk this evening.
“Yep, Italian is fine thank you very much. I can eat anything.”
We take our seats and I expect there to be a little bit of conversation, but he puts the menu in front of his face and pointedly ignores me. Now, I’m starting to think that he might be rude, not shy. I guess I have always been lucky in that way. I haven’t ever dated anyone without manners before.
My parents love good manners, which only reaffirms that this might be a tactical thing.
I grab my own menu and take a look through, but it’s hard for me to focus. My eyes are blurry and there’s a bubble of temper in the pit of my stomach. I really just don’t want to be here. That only gets worse when the waiter comes over and Dan orders for both of us without giving me a chance to pick for myself. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a gentlemanly thing or not, but I don’t like it at all. I want to be able to pick what I eat myself, is that really too much to ask? But still, I don’t say anything. I’m trying to give him a chance.
“So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?” I ask with a smile.
But I immediately realize that this is a bad idea because that really sets him off. He talks endlessly about work. Literally for hours. The drinks come, so does the food, we eat it all up and he is still talking. Telling me about things that I can’t even follow, and I’m much less interested in. He’s absolutely boring the pants off me. My eyes keep wanting to slide closed, but I cannot let that happen. That would be the ultimate rudeness.
I really cannot be rude; it will get back to my father if I am. I need to keep giving this all my effort just to prove that I tried. Then when it all goes wrong at least I gave it my all.
But as the water comes over with the dessert menus and I realize that he hasn’t even asked me one question about myself, it’s time to give it up. I cannot be polite all by myself, this needs to be a two-way street. I refuse a menu and thankfully he does too, which means it’s time for me to get back home again.
“Well, thank you taking me out,” I say firmly outside the restaurant, so he can’t even get any funny ideas about walking me home. “That was a very nice meal, so thank you for it.”
“Hmm, you didn’t eat much,” he shoots back. “It was expensive you know?”
I have to resist rolling my eyes. Thankfully I don’t have to spend too much longer with this man. “Right, so…”
Then he silences me by pushing me back against the wall and lurching towards me with his disgusting wet lips out. I turn my head rapidly, but his mouth still connects with my cheek which makes me want to puke.
“Urgh, what the hell?” I shove violently but it’s hard to get him off me. I’m glad that we’re here in public because I would be a little afraid what he was going to do to me if we were alone. “What part of tonight made you think that we were going to kiss tonight? Is there anything about it that didn’t feel like a disaster?”
Dan looks at me with sheer confusion in his eyes. “Of course, we’re going to kiss. I might even take you home.”
“Home?” I shove him harder now and thankfully he falls backward. “Home? Are you for real?”
“We have had a nice night, haven’t we? I have enjoyed your company.”
“Urgh, no way!” I shake my head much too rapidly. “This is terrible.”
“But your father said…”
“I don’t care what my father said!” I explode. “This is nothing to do with him.”
“But he wants us to be together. As does your mother. They think we are suitable.”
“Well it isn’t them that will have to spend any time with you, is it? It’s me! And
I do not like you.”
As I run off I realize that I have well and truly given up the whole ‘not being rude’ thing. I don’t want to go home yet; I need to calm down which means there is only one place I can go. I know he said that he was out before, but he must be home right now, mustn’t he? I need to see Josiah right now.
God, I need to tell him how much I need to be with him. This just confirms it. Maybe it’s time that we just tell everyone now. Give up the secrecy, and just be honest about our love for one another.
It doesn’t take me long to get to Josiah’s place. Thankfully we weren’t too far away. I hammer on the door loud and hard needing to get his attention right away. I don’t think Dan would be the sort of person to follow me, but I don’t feel safe outside now. There is only one place which I can draw comfort from.
“Josiah, oh thank God,” I gasp as he opens the door. “Thank goodness you are here…”
I’m so panicked that it takes me a couple of moments to realize that he doesn’t actually look pleased to see me. It’s the sheer terror in his eyes that makes the words eventually fall apart on my lips.
“Paisley!” Shit, Adam’s voice stuns me to the core. He’s here. He must be who Josiah has been out with tonight which is why he couldn’t see me. And now I might have blown everything. “What’s going on?”
“I… I…” My blood runs burning hot then ice cold. I need to think of an excuse and quick.
“I thought you were out on your date tonight. That’s what Dad told me?”
“Dad?” Oh fuck, now Josiah looks pissed off. I need to explain so many things, but I can’t.
“Y… yeah, Dad. He… he set me up on a date with the son of someone he works with.”
“You went on a date?” Josiah backs away from me and I can’t even reach out and touch him.
