by Ford, Mia
“Hmm, I don’t know. I think there is more to it than that.”
So much for comforting me in an hour of need. I roll my eyes and turn away from them both. Normal parents would be trying to reassure me that I’m fine, not hinting that I might be dying or something. This is just wonderful. If I could just grab my cell phone and message Josiah, this would be much better. But I can’t. Since the plan to tell my parents about us has gone out the window today I need to guard my secret even more.
God, I hate putting things off, even though I wasn’t ready to do it, but we have no choice.
“You know what, I can’t stand this anymore.” Mom scrapes back her chair. “I’m going to find him.”
“No, don’t.” Dad holds her in place. “Just wait. I don’t want to create a scene…”
They start arguing over my head in whispered tempers, just like they have spent most of my damn life doing. It brings me back to being young when me and Adam used to duck on the stairs and try to listen in. My parents seem to operate on the idea that they are always being listened to and that the whole world cares about what’s going on in our lives. I think that’s why they have always been so conservative; they fear being seen in a certain way.
They are very religious, I know that our childhoods were completely guided by God, but it doesn’t seem to be about that. It’s judgment from the world, not from a spiritual being up above. They just don’t want their friends, their neighbors, even strangers on the street to see them badly, and of course, since me and Adam are extensions of them we are included in that. Even me being ill is probably an issue for them…
Luckily, before they can really get in to it, the door swings open and the doctor comes back in. I don’t know if I’m relieved or not to see him, because the news might not be the best, but it’s better than this.
“Right, everyone,” the doctor says wearily. “Sorry for keeping you waiting so long.”
“Yes, that’s okay,” my mom snaps. “Do we have more information for me… us?”
He doesn’t answer he simply moves around to the other side of his desk and takes his seat. There is something in his eyes which makes me lean forward to listen in closer. All of a sudden, I start to wonder if I’m actually really sick. Maybe I’m being punished for creeping around and lying by my health deteriorating. God, this makes me feel really sick now, I might throw up once more. I don’t want to lose my life…
“Paisley Jones, I have some news for you, I don’t know if this is something you are aware of or not, but your blood test has come back with something.” He darts his eyes from side to side at my parents. “Would you like to hear the information alone or are you happy for me to tell you now?”
“I would like to hear it alone,” I try to say, but my voice is drowned out by both my parents telling the doctor that they are going to stay no matter what. He gives me a look and I nod, completely defeated.
“Okay, well your blood test told us that you are currently having a baby….”
There is more, I’m sure of it, but I don’t hear any of it. My ears buzz with the knowledge that I am having a baby. A baby! I am having Josiah’s baby. I spend such a long time getting lost in that information, in the unexpected dream of me and Josiah having a family, that I forget my parents are around.
At least I do until they start yelling. And I don’t mean whisper yelling like they have spent my whole life doing, I mean really screaming. In public, in front of a doctor at me. He is probably so confused at this reaction, it isn’t like I’m a young teenager who doesn’t know what I’m doing, but that’s how my parents treat me.
My father leans down so his face is right in mine and he demands to know, “Who is the father?”
A heat creeps up through my body. Shit, this isn’t exactly the way I wanted to share this information. I wanted to tell Mom, Dad, and Adam together at the kitchen table with Josiah with me, just like we planned.
“I… I…” I stammer while I try to find the right words.
“You what? If you tell me, you don’t know there is going to be some serious trouble here.”
“I do know, I just don’t want to talk about it.”
Dad looks at the doctor, thinking that he’s to blame, and he nods sharply. “Right, let’s go home then.”
* * *
At home, things don’t get much better. Both Mom and Dad yell at me for hours, getting madder and madder because I don’t tell them who the father is. I can’t even message Josiah and ask him to come and save me because my father yanked my phone away from me the moment we got inside, and he hasn’t let me have it back yet. I can’t even see it anymore. He’s shut it away in a drawer somewhere, so I really am on my own.
I think it’s because he doesn’t want me to tell the father… not until I have told him first.
When Adam comes in the house, I brace myself for an explosion. My parents might not know anything, but I have a feeling that Adam suspects and if he finds out I’m having a baby, he will just know.
In a hysterical way, Mom screams out the news, blabbing it so fast I’m surprised my brother can understand, but he does pick up enough of the words. I can tell by the way he looks at me, and I can also see that he might have guessed. I silently beg him not to say anything. I don’t know if he gets my message or not, but he spins around and stalks up the stairs, slamming the door behind him so loudly the walls in the house shake.
I wince, the sound aching my head, but not as much as the wails that come from Mom afterward.
“Just tell us who the father is,” my dad demands. “Look what you are doing to your family.”
I do feel awful, but I still can’t say anything. I can’t put Josiah at risk. I can’t get him hurt. I shake my head and avert my eyes, so I can’t see him. I’m scared my dad is going to guilt trip me in a moment.
“You are ruining our lives; don’t you see that? What do you think people will say about us? We will be the talk of the town. Our unwed daughter having a baby all by herself… presuming you will be alone. I can only assume that the reason you aren’t telling us is because the man has scarpered?” Still, I don’t say anything. “Perhaps that’s because you gave it up too easily. How did we ever let you get like this?” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “What are we supposed to tell people about you not knowing who the father is?”
“You don’t have to tell them anything,” I try and reply. “Lots of people have babies alone.”
“Not in this family, we don’t. Absolutely not. I will not accept it. You will have to leave.”
“Leave? What do you mean, leave? I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”
“You will not be here to embarrass me. I won’t take it. I’m sending you away.”
“I’m an adult. I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m not going anywhere.”
Dad slams his hands down on the table, his eyes flashing with rage. “I am not listening to this. You are not doing anything positive here. You don’t have a job that’s worth anything, you are clearly knocking around with the wrong people, and we don’t want you here anymore. You cannot live under this roof and you do not have enough money to move out on your own, so I get to decide where you are going.”
I bite down on my bottom lip, knowing that if I could access Josiah he could afford to take care of me, but I don’t know his number and I have no idea where the hell my phone is.
Dad leaves the room then, and I remain where I am stewing in my words. I would get up and run but Mom is still in the room with me and she’s so mad I think she could quite easily get up and hit me if I try anything silly. Instead, I do the only thing I can, and I try really hard to reason with her.
“Mom, I can sort this, I can. But you need to let me go and do it on my own.”
“Oh no, your decisions cannot be trusted anymore.” She looks me up and down, unimpressed by me. I can see the sadness there; I have really destroyed her. “You need to just tell us the truth. Tell us who the father is.”
�
�Why is that so important? I don’t understand. It doesn’t matter, does it?”
“How can you say it doesn’t matter? Are you insane? We need to know.”
I shrug my shoulders. I can’t say anything. I won’t let Mom know. “You don’t need to know. It makes no difference. It’s someone that you don’t know, someone who is irrelevant. Just leave it.”
Mom scrapes her chair back and moves away from me, she can’t seem to stand to be around me anymore. I want to reach out and grab her to plead with her, but I know that will make it worse. If she can’t stand me near her, then touch will be horrendous. God, this is so horrible. This is the worst thing ever.
Footsteps rocket down the stairs, grabbing my attention, and I turn to see Dad back here. He has a very pleased look on his face which I don’t think will be good for me… “I have sorted something,” he announces. “Come on.”
He grabs me by the arm and pulls me towards the car. I try to pull myself out of his grip, but he has me too tight. He yanks me to the car and pushes me in the seat, leaving me with no other option but to do as he wants.
“What do you mean, Dad? Where are you taking me?” I ask, panicked.
“Your aunt, my sister, has a farm up state. She said you can stay with her for now. That way you can have your baby in a healthy environment and there won’t be any embarrassment for us.”
“But, I haven’t ever met your sister, Dad. I can’t go and stay with her. What are you talking about?”
But he doesn’t answer me, and he continues to drive faster, taking me away from everything that I want. My cell phone is back at the house and I don’t know what Josiah’s phone number is, but I’m going to have to try and contact him somehow, to let him know what’s happened to me, so he can save me… if he wants.
A tear leaks out of my eye and rolls down my cheek, I’m absolutely gutted. It isn’t that I ever thought about getting pregnant, it wasn’t something I was planning on, although to be fair we weren’t always careful in the heat of the moment, but I never expected it to be like this. My life being stripped from me.
I can hardly catch my breath, my lungs are squeezed too tight, I slide my eyes closed to help me focus…
* * *
I bolt upright, only remembering where I am when I wake up in the back of my dad’s car. I was in the middle of a horrible nightmare as I slept but the reality of it is so much worse. I’m still being taken away from the man that I love with his baby in my belly, and about to live on some farm somewhere. In the middle of nowhere by the look of it. There doesn’t seem to be anything like real life around.
“Dad,” I croak. “Please don’t do this. Please don’t take me away.”
“Paisley, we are beyond this now. We’re here. The farm is just around the corner.”
I press myself up against the window and stare out, wondering where I am. It’s very green here, there is a lot of nature, it isn’t anything like where I come from, it’s nothing like the city. It’s weirdly quite nice. Not that I’m going to stay here and enjoy my life. But from an outsider perspective, it’s nice.
Dad pulls the car along a drive way that leads right up to a barn and he steps out the car. With trembling legs, I do the same thing. I inhale deeply, the scent very strange, and try to remain upright. This is surreal, it’s something out of a novel or a movie rather than real life. A sensation which gets even worse when the aunt that I have never met before appears. She looks exactly like my father, only more hard faced if that’s possible. She makes me shrink in on myself. I can already tell that this isn’t going to be an ally in my mission to escape.
“Hello there, Paisley,” she says in a firm tone of voice. “I have a room for you upstairs. It’s basic. But of course, I wasn’t expecting you to come. I only got the phone call a short while ago.”
“Y… yes, of course,” I stammer back. “I don’t expect much. I know this is all a bit…”
“No, you better not,” my dad bites. “After the way you have treated your family. Now, your Aunt Lilly will expect you to work with her on the farm for as long as you can, until the baby comes, as payment for staying here. You will be fed and taken care of, but you won’t get any money because you don’t need any. And just be aware if you go missing at all the police will be called and since you are pregnant, you’ll be considered high risk and found right away. I cannot exist with the thought of you coming back home and making this worse.”
Aunt Lilly just smiles at me as if I should take this abuse. She actually agrees with my dad here.
I nod even though deep inside I think I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. If I can figure out where I am then I stand a chance of getting home to Josiah before they call anyone.
“Now, let’s go to your room. Let’s see where you will be living for the next few years.”
“Years? I thought it was just while I’m pregnant…” My heart pounds in my mouth, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel like this is spiraling in a way that I just cannot control anymore. “I didn’t realize…”
“This is the perfect place to raise a child, don’t you think? I don’t see why you couldn’t stay here forever. I would have loved to bring you and your brother up here but unfortunately, I had to work.”
Fucking hell, this isn’t great. This is a nightmare; I think my father might be serious. Yes, there might be fresh air and space out here, but I don’t want to raise my baby in such an isolated place without his or her father around. This is crazy, my father has probably lost his mind. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it back.
Just play along, my brain tells me firmly. Just do this for now. It doesn’t have to be the end.
15
Josiah
What the hell is going on? I don’t understand this at all. This day has been a nightmare. I haven’t been able to focus on work all day long. Watching Paisley rush away knowing that she’s going to the hospital was awful. But then I haven’t heard from her all day long when she promised to fill me in, which makes it worse. The fear that she might actually be really sick is destroying me. I don’t know how to deal with it at all.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
The endless ringing is destroying me, I don’t understand why Paisley isn’t picking up. That isn’t like her at all. Images of her in A and E, all bandaged up with tubes coming out of her everywhere is too much. I need to know for sure so when the phone goes all the way to voice mail again I do something drastic. I call up all the hospitals in the local area, and even a couple further afield, but none of them have her admitted.
“What do I do now?” I ask myself while I pat my phone against my hand. “What do I do?”
One option would also be to call the police, see if they know anything, but that would be crazy. I would have officially gone too far, which I can’t do. I just need to be calm and wait.
Be calm, I tell my shaking body. Be calm, just wait, be patient.
I really try to be cool. I pour myself a drink and even make myself some dinner, but I do keep checking my phone the whole time just in case. Still, there is nothing. But maybe she won’t call me back, perhaps instead she will just turn up at some point with good news… hopefully, it’s good news. It has to be. But she doesn’t come. She doesn’t call, she doesn’t turn up. I’m left all alone with nothing but fear in my mind. With every second that ticks passed, that terror gets even stronger, even more painful, until I can hardly breathe.
I need to find out what’s happened to her, one way or another. I have to. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but I need to make it happen. I rise from my chair and chuck my plate in the sink without bothering to wash it just yet. Things like that can wait, the woman I love could be in danger and I need to know for sure. As scary an idea as it is, I need to go right to the source to find out. I’m going to have to go to Paisley’s house.
Her parents hate me, her brother probably accurately suspects that I have been lying to him, and she might not even be there, but I have to try go
ing to her house. It’s the only way I will get information. Her family will know what’s going on with her and as long as I play it right, they might even tell me.
I check my reflection as I leave the house. I don’t look great, to be honest, my suit is all messy and I’m disheveled, it won’t make Mr. and Mrs. Jones more impressed to see me, but this isn’t about that. It doesn’t matter if that makes me look bad, I just need to know what’s wrong with Paisley.
I leap into my car for speed reasons and I race along to the road until I get to Paisley’s home. I notice Adam’s car outside which is good. At least I have an excuse to be here. I can’t rush in and demand to know what’s happened to my girlfriend because I can be certain that they don’t know about us yet. So, I’m going to play it cool. Act like I’m just here to see my friend and just try and snoop. It won’t be easy to calm myself down, but I don’t have any choice. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and steady myself.
Do this, Josiah, I remind myself firmly. Do this for Paisley.
The ideal situation will be that she’s in there, that I can just see her for a second and know that she’s okay. There isn’t really anything else that matters other than that she’s alright. That really is my main priority. Whatever explanation she has for not calling me and letting me know what’s going on can come late.
With purposeful strides, I head towards the front door, and I knock hard before I can talk myself out of it. I press my ear against the door and am happy to hear footsteps. That means someone is definitely inside.
I step back and brush myself down, trying to use these last couple of seconds to make myself look smart before that door swings open and my future in laws can run their hateful eyes all over me.
“Oh…” It’s her dad who opens the door and gives me the terrible look. “It’s you.”
I grit my teeth together and grin. “Yes, it’s me. I’ve just come to see Adam, is he in?”
