New Tales from Hilbert Space

by Gabriel Just

Since then we walked 329 steps. From this I can calculate that there are 329 factories. See, Kobb. Once again you have the opportunity to learn something from your mistakes. While you used a primitive method for counting, mine was much more sophisticated. You had to count every single factory, while I only computed the factory density. As you can see by the huge difference of our results, my method is not only far more efficient but also more precise. Your results are off by the the factor 47.”

  “Yes, Professor Tinwin. Thank you, Professor Tinwin.”

  “Anyways, those are too many factories to convince them individually. Maybe we should revisit the plan to build a sink. I mean, how hard could that be. Over there is something like a marketplace. I am sure we can get some spare parts there.”

  Kobb and Tinwin approached the square. There were lots of stalls but they all had something in common. Everything that was presented was completely made of Transsteel. Since Transsteel was very dense and extremely heavy not all the wares were equally useful. While Transsteel paperweights were rather effective and small, Transsteel umbrellas were impossible to lift and local delicacies like Transsteel on a stick or Transsteel lasagne were not safe to eat and probably not even safe to touch.

  After a short search Tinwin concluded that this market provided nothing that would help them to build an energy sink and also Kobb didn’t find anything edible. Suddenly they heard the voice of a Skaren.

  She had just jumped on a small pedestal in the middle of the square and shouted, “People of Kemos 8! You are all in grave danger. My recent measurements finally prove that the end is near. Global warming will devour the whole planet. And now I finally know the reason. Behold, citizens of Kemos 8!”

  “Kobb, do something,” Tinwin whispered. “I think she found out. We have to stop her. If the public finds out that Hyperchlorine is responsible for this disaster, the university will hold me accountable.”

  Kobb could not think of a better plan and instinctively booed.

  The Skaren however continued her speech. “The reason this planet gets hotter and hotter is Transsteel. We have to stop production within the next months or this planet will become uninhabitable.”

  Kobb prepared to boo again, but Tinwin stopped him. “Wait, didn’t you listen? She thinks it’s Transsteel. That’s good. If the people believe that Transsteel is responsible there is no reason to suspect that the university is involved. We should be on her side.”

  Kobb and Tinwin applauded and cheered and many of the workers that had gathered joined them.

  “This is no reason to cheer, you simpletons,” the Skaren hissed. “Maybe I need to explain it in easier terms. It will get hotter and hotter until it is too hot to live here.”

  “But isn’t hot better?” a Hironian worker asked.

  “No!” the Skaren responded. “One day it will get too hot, don’t you understand. And this time I have evidence. Look at this graph.” Her Widget projected a holographic image of two monotonically increasing functions. “This is the average temperature of the planet and the production of Transsteel. You can clearly see that once we increased production also the temperature rose. What more evidence do you need? As we all know correlation always means causality. So it is a scientific fact that Transsteel produces this global warming. Spread the word! We have to stop production!”

  “How much time do we have left?” a Dranik wanted to know. “How long till my beard catches fire?”

  “Well, the process takes time,” the Skaren explained. “It might be years until the effects are so enormous that your beard will catch fire.”

  “Why should I care about it now, then?”

  “Because once your beard is on fire it will be too late. And even before that there will be many disasters caused by the global warming. The temperature is rising steadily, we have to act now!”

  A Hironian agreed. “She is right. Tonight it was cold. But now it is hot.”

  “That is something entirely different,” the Skaren said, frustrated. “I am talking about long term effects.”

  The crowd started to laugh and nobody took the warning seriously, so Tinwin decided to offer his assistance.

  He jumped on the pedestal and shouted, “She is right! Look at the hologram. It is getting hotter and hotter because of Transsteel. And if that does not convince you, let me show you the following formula. Let T be the average temperature of the planet and P the production of Transsteel. Now look at e to the power of kappa times t, where t is of course the time in units of planetary rotations.”

  Sadly the mob dispersed before Tinwin could explain what the factor kappa or any of the other 27 terms of his formula meant.

  “Not again!” the Skaren shouted angrily. “This happens all the time. Why are they not listening?”

  “I am as confused as you are,” Tinwin said emphatically. “Why were they not impressed by my formula? Maybe I should add more terms.”

  “No, there is nothing wrong with your formula,” the Skaren said in a sad voice. “These people are just ignorant. You could add hundreds of new terms and they still wouldn’t be interested. Anyway, thank you for your support. I am Melira, by the way. So you are a scientist yourself?”

  Tinwin nodded. “Indeed. I am Professor Tinwin, nice to meet you. And this is my assistant Kobb.”

  “And what do you do here? I mean, Kemos 8 ist not really of scientific interest.”

  “Well, we are here…” Tinwin had to think for a moment. “We are here to help you. The University of Madona sent me to solve the problem of global warming on this planet. Of course the university is in no way responsible for the problem. My help is more a manifestation of pure benevolence.”

  “That is really nice.” Melira smiled happily. “So, what’s your plan? How do we convince the people that they are in danger? I thought about a new nomenclature. Maybe we should call it global heating or even global inferno. That would surely attract more attention.”

  “I am sorry to say that, but I think you are making a mistake, especially common under young scientists. You are trying to communicate what you do, to the general public. Nothing good can come from this. You will waste your whole genius on dumbing things down, exaggerating facts and talking to people who are not worthy of your attention. Trust me, I’ve been through this.”

  “So you are saying we should keep our findings to ourselves? What’s the point? Why even do research if no one ever learns anything except yourself?”

  Tinwin laughed. “You really think you taught these people anything? The Dranik who was worried that his beard might catch fire? Or the Hironian who just figured out that it is warmer during the day than it is at night? You think any of those people understand even the first term of my formula?”

  With a sad look on her face Melira slowly shook her head.

  “Good,” said Tinwin. “You have to face it. People will never really understand what you do. They only see the effect of what you do. So lets give them something to see! The time for talk is over. Now we need to take action. I have a plan to end global warming once and for all. You wouldn’t have a lab, by any chance, would you?”

  “Of course. I will show you. But I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. This problem affects the whole planet. There is nothing one person can do to stop it.”

  Professor Tinwin grinned. “I think it is you, who does not understand. With science, one person can stop anything!”

  “So this is your lab?” Tinwin asked after entering a big dark room. “It looks more like an abandoned factory.”

  “Oh it is,” Melira said proudly. “It is old, the walls are full of holes and some of the chemicals on the floor are highly toxic, but it’s mine. Well, it’s not technically mine, but nobody minds if I do research here. Maybe they did if they found out, but I try not to think about that.”

  Melira pulled a big lever that activated the lights. The big room was full of old machines. Most of them were in some way related to Transsteel industry, but Melira had repurposed them fo
r research.

  “It has a lot of… potential,” Kobb said, trying to be nice.

  “Thanks!” Melira responded. “Let me give you the tour. This machine over there was once used for measuring the temperature of liquid Transsteel. Now I use it to measure the air temperature. It is really optimized for higher temperatures though. The standard deviations I get are in the order of 400 percent. But it works. And this machine over there was once a Transsteel saw. Now I use it to sharpen pencils. And this table here is the heart of my lab. It once was a simple workbench, but now it’s a research table. To be honest I just cleaned and renamed it. But there you go, this is my lab. So tell me, how are we going to stop global warming?”

  “As you might know, I am the leading expert in the field of energy sinks. I discovered and successfully destroyed the Tinwin sink and plan to build a new one to counteract the effects of global warming.”

  “That sounds… interesting.” Melira was not entirely convinced. “To be honest, I never heard of the Tinwin sink. How are we going to build such an energy sink?”

  “Well, there are some details we still have to flesh out,” Tinwin confessed. “But nothing major. Only tiny things.”

  “Perfect. How can I help? Maybe you should start at the beginning and explain the core principle of an energy sink to me. How does it work? A tiny black hole? A positron source? A wormhole of some kind?”

  “Well,