Crystal Ball

by Laney Kay

  I flopped onto my back on one of Lola’s huge leather couches. She came in and put a glass of wine on the table. “Sit up, chickie, we need to talk.” I sat up, grabbed the glass, settled into the corner, and looked at Lola.

  “Here’s the deal. You could be in real trouble here. If the TV folks hadn’t gotten ahold of this, I’m sure I could have made this go away, but since it’s all over the news, and because of who your dad is, the DA has to at least address it. One of my cop buddies just sent me a copy of the initial report, and the investigating officer says it looks like an accident, so if Bobby agrees and doesn’t want to press charges, this will disappear on Monday. But if Bobby is pissed and decides to be a dick about it, we may have a problem.”

  “I’m sure can convince Bobby it was an accident.” I chugged the rest of my wine and shrugged. “But, if you want to be real about this, I also thought Bobby would never cheat on me, so what the hell do I know?”

  I held out my now empty glass and Lola got up and refilled it. She kissed me on the top of my head and sat back in her seat. “Okay, we all figured you have a lot of stuff to do this week, and you don’t need to go to your house until everything dies down, so here’s the plan, so far. Mo’s keeping your dogs at her house for now. Sara is going to go by your house and pick up the mail, grab some of your clothes, and make sure the house is okay. Mo and I figured that sending Sara was the best idea, because if one of those news people is stupid enough to ask her what she’s doing there, the amount of cussing that will ensue will ensure they’ll have nothing usable for the news. It’ll just be one long bleep.”

  Lola and I laughed at the thought of what Sara would say to those poor news people and she continued. “Look, Mo told me to tell you she can sneak you into the hospital tomorrow to see Bobby without anyone seeing you.” I smiled at that. Mo is a nurse at that hospital, so I have a feeling that my entry will be through the basement and I’m sure that Mo will make sure nobody messes with me.

  Mo is a behemoth of a girl who, when we met, was one of the best volleyball players at UGA. The first time I met her, I couldn’t get over her size. When she opens her mouth she has the sweetest, softest, most feminine Southern voice you’ve ever heard. She is married to a man who’s even bigger than she is, her husband Harrison, a 6’9” high school football coach and chemistry teacher, whose goal in life is to make sure that his sweet Mo is never upset, uneasy, annoyed, uncomfortable, or even slightly inconvenienced. It’s a riot to watch.

  It turns out that Mo was always an oddity in her family. She has four sisters, three of them runners up to Miss Georgia. One of them actually was Miss Georgia but lost Miss America to a girl who’d lost most of her tongue in a freak bicycle accident, but still somehow sang like a bird.

  And as an aside, what the hell does that mean? How do you lose your tongue in a bike accident? Why did no one else ask this question in the interview portion of the competition?

  Anyway, Mo is not a pageant girl. Mo is an athlete. She was recruited by just about every college in the universe for volleyball, but decided to go to UGA and the four of us, me, Lola, Mo and Sara, all met the first week of classes.

  Mo was Sara’s roommate in the female athletic dorm, which was also the dorm for women in the honors program. Sara is no athlete, unless you consider drinking and cussing to be sports. In fact, Sara is the most uncoordinated human I’ve ever met. I once saw her fall up the stairs and break her nose. Sober. She was adopted from China as an infant and is even shorter than I am, about 4’9”. She has this booming voice with a loud Southern accent and every other word is generally a cuss word. It’s always hilarious to see Mo with her big body and her sweet little voice and tiny little Sara with her big booming voice. The first time people see them together it kind of looks like a bad ventriloquist act.

  Sara went to school to be an interior designer and got her four year degree at UGA with us. After we graduated she went to Georgia Tech to get a two year master’s degree in industrial design. That’s where she met her husband Mark, who is now an architect. She does some free-lance design work when she feels like it, but mostly she stays home with her four kids and does the mom thing.

  How lucky am I to have all of these women in my corner. They’re all wonderful friends. They are sarcastic, they’re snarky, they all cuss like sailors, but they are also kind, generous, and loyal, with huge hearts. I can depend on them for anything.

  Lola and I sat there in companionable silence with the lights down looking at the sky line of the city, drinking wine. After a while, Lola turned to me. “You want to talk about the rest of it?”

  I felt my throat burn and my eyes started to water. “Nope. Not yet.”

  Her voice was gentle. “Do you need anything, sweetie?”

  I shook my head, fighting back tears. “No. I’ve got exactly what I need right now. Wine and you.”

  I saw her smile at me in the dim light. I took a deep breath. “Shit. I’d better call my folks. Last time I checked there were already about ten messages from my dad.”

  Lola shook her head and got up to grab the phone from the table next to me. “I’ll call him. I talked to him for about two seconds while you were being booked, but I didn’t have any details then. This way, you won’t have to deal with anything tonight, and they won’t have to worry about you.”

  She dialed the number, and obviously my dad answered, because I heard her side of the conversation. “Hello sir, she’s fine. Worn out, but fine. No sir. Yes sir. No sir. Aggravated assault. No sir. No sir. I expect to be able to get this dismissed as soon as they talk to Bobby the idiot. No sir. The TV people might have made the connection to you by now, but I made sure the arresting officers and the people at the jail knew before she got there. No sir. No sir. No sir. No, I don’t think you need to call anyone over there. They released her on her own recognizance, most likely because of you, and I expect to get this taken care of before she has to make an appearance. Yes sir. No sir. I’ll keep you posted. Yes sir, Bobby is a freakin’ moron. I’ll call you and let you know as soon as I get this taken care of. Take care and I’ll be in touch.”

  As soon as she hung up the phone, I asked, “How are they?”

  “Exactly as you’d expect. Your daddy is pissed, and your mom was embarrassed by all the fuss. Both of them were pissed about Bobby.”

  I nodded. “That sounds about right. So they’re fine.”

  Lola nodded. “Yeah, I think they’re fine.”

  I got up and poured us both a glass of wine. “Thanks for saving me the call. I was afraid my mom would answer.”

  Lola winced. “So was I, but your dad was easy to deal with, as usual.”

  At eleven, Lola turned on the TV. “You want to see if you made the evening news?” I didn’t really, but I told her to go ahead. She turned on the television and there I was, in all my glory. One story had the title “the Nutcracker”, one had pictures of me all over it, at a Georgia game, one from some benefit Lola made us go to last year, my head shot from my newspaper column, and my mug shot.

  Lola was impressed. “Holy shit, your booking photo looks amazing. No crazy-eyed, crazy hair, Nick Nolte mug shot for you. That’s a great picture.”

  I looked at it objectively. “Wow. That really is a great picture. You think Tiffany will do my professional picture next time I need one?”

  We kept flipping the TV, but holy crap, I was everywhere! Every story seemed to portray me as the poster child for punishing cheating men, and Bobby came out looking like a lying cheating pig, which come to think of it, he pretty much was.

  I couldn’t believe that I was on every channel. “Oh my Gawd, Lola, how long is this going to go on?”

  She shrugged. “Who knows? I mean, it could blow right over or it could linger on depending if the national news picks it up.”

  My heart sank. “National news?!” I squeaked. “Are you freaking kidding me?”

  Lola nodded. “Don’t you remember that stupid thing with Lorena Bobbitt? People still know her name.
The thing you have to worry about here is that it’s like a strike against evil…stupid men that leave their amazing wives for bimbos young enough to be their daughters. It’s going to strike a chord among a lot of people.”

  “Shit. I don’t want to be a poster child for anything. I just want to get on with my life. I need to talk to Bobby and figure out what we need to do. Maybe this is just some weird-ass midlife crisis and this whole thing is just a mistake. Maybe she’s not really pregnant, maybe it’s not his. Who the hell knows what the deal is? All I know is that I really need to talk to him before I do anything stupid.”

  Lola looked doubtful, but she just nodded her head. “Okay, then. Let’s go to bed and we’ll figure it all out in the morning.”

  I guess I did fall asleep because I woke up the next morning to sunlight streaming through huge windows in one of the condos guest rooms. By the time Lola and I got ready and ate breakfast, it was about 9:30. We called Mo, and when we pulled around to the back of the hospital we saw her standing outside by the place they unloaded the ambulances.

  She picked me up in a hug that about broke my ribs, and then held me at arms’ length so she could see my face. I guess I looked okay, because she hugged me again and then started giving me instructions. “Okay, sweetie, here’s what you need to know. I love you and you’re going to get through this just fine. Don’t worry about your pups. They’re having a great time with Harrison and me, so they can stay with us as long as you need. I’ve put security on the floor where Bobby is, so you’ll be able to get up there without having to deal with any of the news people. And after you see him, if you need me to, I can get assigned to Bobby and I’ll be happy to work him over a little myself, so you just let me know.”

  I knew she would do exactly that. I smiled and hugged her back and Lola and I headed upstairs. When we reached the floor, I told Lola I needed to talk to him by myself, so she nodded and told me she’d be sitting in the lounge by the elevators if I needed her. As I walked toward Bobby’s room, my feet were dragging and I felt like my entire life was ending. I got to his room and knocked on the door and heard his voice tell me to come in.

  I paused, suddenly thinking, what the hell am I going to do if she’s in there? Now I wish Lola was with me. Lola is much scarier than Bobby, especially now that he’s laid up with a broken leg and one testicle. Well, one natural testicle.

  I pushed the door open and held my breath until I could see it was only Bobby in the room. As I looked at him in the hospital bed, the first feeling I had was worry at how pitiful he looked, and tenderness because I’d loved him since he was a teenager. I waited for the other feelings to surface, but nothing did. I started to feel a little hope. Maybe this whole thing was just a mistake, maybe it was just a bad dream.

  As soon as he opened his mouth, that hope went out the window, “Daisy. What, they wouldn’t let you up here with a car to finish me off?”

  I deliberately shut the door behind me and was a little gratified to see nervousness in his eyes. I took a deep breath and tried to make my voice as neutral as possible. “Hey, Bobby. How you feeling today?”

  He looked down and his voice was polite, but he sounded completely detached. “I’m fine. Thanks for stopping by, but I think you should get going.”

  I couldn’t believe that cold, stranger’s voice was coming out of Bobby. My throat started to feel tight and tears filled my eyes. “Bobby, I think we need to talk.” When he heard tears in my voice he finally looked at me and softened a little. We looked at each other for a long moment and he sighed and told me to sit down.

  I took a deep breath and started toward the bed and sat in the chair by his side.

  Despite everything, I really was glad he was okay. I took a deep breath to compose myself, but I was nervous so I started to babble. “Bobby, I’m really sorry for what happened. I swear it was an accident. I didn’t mean to hit you. And I especially didn’t mean to mutilate your testicle and break your leg. I just wanted to leave, not run you over, but I guess I was just upset and I got confused, and I thought the car was in reverse, but it wasn’t, and the next thing you know…” My voice trailed off and I just stared at him with big, teary eyes.

  When I was done, he nodded. “I believe you. Once I had time to think about it, I realized that it was an accident. You might be a lot of things, but you’re not the type to run people over when you have a problem with them.” That made me laugh. “Look, the police are supposed to come by later today to get my statement, and I’ll make sure that they know it was an accident so you won’t have any problems.”

  I sniffled and thanked him. “I appreciate that, Bobby. Did you happen to see the news?”

  He winced, but then he laughed. “Hey, your mug shot was a great picture.”

  “Right? Maybe I’ll have the jail do my head shots from now on.” We both laughed at that.

  He sobered and looked at me. “Do you want to talk about all this?”

  I didn’t, but I nodded that I did. He took a deep breath. “I’m really sorry, Daisy. You always hear people say ‘it just happened’, but it really did. Another guy in the office and I had to switch administrative assistants and I ended up with Barbie.”

  I literally had to bite my tongue so I didn’t say, “Well of course her name is Barbie. Did her mom tell you that when she brought her over for her first playdate?”

  “Anyway,” he said. “It happened over a long period of time, and one thing led to another, and, well, now she’s pregnant and I love her and I want to marry her.”

  I just sat there watching the words come out of his mouth, and it still didn’t seem real. What I wanted to ask him was, how could he be willing to throw away all those years, all our history, for some little bimbo named Barbie. Seriously?! Barbie?! Didn’t he realize what a ridiculous cliché the whole thing was? Didn’t he realize how stupid it sounded?

  What I actually ended up saying was, “Do you want a divorce?”

  “Yes,” he said immediately.

  I took an involuntary breath. “Bobby, don’t you want to try to work on this with me?”

  He didn’t hesitate. “Not really, Daisy. Don’t get me wrong, I love you. I will probably always love you, but it’s more like how you love your sister. My relationship with Barbie is true love.”

  I snorted before I could stop myself. “Bobby, seriously? You’re forty-six years old. How can you be in love with some little girl who’s less than half your age? What the hell do y’all even have to talk about?”

  I was completely serious. How do you fall in love with someone who is just a baby?

  At that point, he looked me in the eye, and I swear to God, he said, and I quote, “We’re soul-mates and age is just a number.” I just stared at him like he was a total idiot, and all I could think is that if he’s really that freaking stupid then he totally deserves a skank like her.

  But I didn’t say that. I’m proud to say I didn’t lose it in front of Bobby. I stood up and calmly looked at him. “Well, okay then. I’ll call our lawyer to start drawing up some papers and we’ll get this done as soon as possible.” I stood up, clutching my purse in front of me like a shield. “And thanks for clearing up any confusion with the police and the district attorney.” And, with that, I turned and left the room with as much dignity as a woman labeled “the Nutcracker” by the local media, could muster.

  Lola didn’t say a word when I joined her at the elevator. I made it all the way down the elevator and out to Lola’s car before I lost it. Again. I turned to Lola, barely able to get out words through my sobs. “Lola, I don’t understand. How in the hell did my life fall apart in one day? Yesterday at this time, it was just a regular day. I was working on my column, I was walking the dogs, I was picking up dinner for my husband, and today, I have an arrest record, and I’m getting a divorce. All in less than eighteen hours. That has to be some kind of record. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone who actually turned her entire life to shit in less than a day. Except for me.”

 
; Lola interrupted me to hand me a wad of paper towels she tore off a roll she grabbed from the backseat. “I thought you might need these if I was going to be driving your crying ass around.”

  I took a handful and laughed one of those stupid little hiccupping laughs you do when you’re trying to stop crying. I wiped my face and blew my nose and took a deep breath. “Okay, that’s it. I’m done crying over Bobby Monroe. I’m calling our lawyer and we’re going to get this divorce over with as soon as possible.”

  Lola handed me the roll of paper towels and grabbed my used ones and tossed them in the back seat. “Look, I’m sure there’s gonna be a lot more of this before there’s less of it. Don’t worry about it. You’ve got your family, you’ve got a ton of friends, you’ve got Mo and Sara and the guys, and most importantly, you have me, so you’re going to be fine. Did you talk to Bobby about the accident?”

  I nodded my head. “Bobby said he was supposed to give a statement to the cops this afternoon and he’ll make sure they know it was an accident.”

  She nodded and muttered, “That’s the least that asshole can do.” She smiled at me when she realized I’d stopped crying. “As soon as he’s done with the cops, I’ll go down and get the charges dismissed and that’ll be it. Once that’s done, the whole thing can blow over and you can get your life back. Or start a newer, better one.”

  I started to cry again. Lola threw her arm around my neck and kissed me on my cheek. “Come on. Let’s go back to my place and we’ll call Sara and Mo and make some kickass margaritas and get some enchiladas delivered.”

  Lola called Sara and Mo from the car, so by the time we got to the house, they were already inside mixing drinks. As soon as they saw me, they both came running over to give me a hug. Mo had brought my three dogs with her, and they were delirious to see me. It was a basic madhouse, which was wonderful and exactly what I needed. Sara had stopped by my house and brought me a bunch of clothes, so I was set for the next few weeks, if necessary.