Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  Our cows needed to be milked like clockwork at dusk and dawn, not only to keep the animals comfortable during the weaning time, but for our dairy business to stay afloat as well. All the farm animals had their own personalities, and Maisy was more impatient than Butter, who was waiting in the stall next to her. I gently cooed at her as I backed out of the enclosure with my bucket, and lined it up near the other milk containers for our farmhand, George, whose shift began at sunrise.

  “Julian used to help Uncle Luke flip houses, so he’s pretty good with his hands,” Sienna said as she began herding the goats in the free stall. The products she created using their milk colostrum were popular in Cottonwood Creek. Especially the creams and soaps. Thus the idea of having her cousin help us with a bigger project this summer.

  “I remember.” I turned on the suction machine, then hand-milked Butter’s teats to strip away any residual dirt before getting her set up with the suction device. “But traveling across the country is a bit much, don’t you think?”

  I was pretty certain my brother Travis would help if I asked. I might’ve been on the outs with my family since Sienna and I divorced, but Travis had come around since then, and my parents would always be part of Ainsley’s life. So they’d support anything that helped our small business bring in revenue. After I came out, Dad had warned me to lie low in the community, as gossip spread like wildfire. He didn’t want it to hurt the business. But Sienna and I had been on our own for a few years now, and any rumors we’d initially heard were pretty much old-hat. We still got some stares and whispers when we went into town, but by now everyone knew Sienna and I had remained friends and were staying on the farm together for the sake of our family.

  As far as I could tell, my gayness hadn’t wrecked anything that had to do with my family’s cattle trade, and locals loved the organic milk products our dairy farm sold to the businesses in town.

  But Sienna’s idea of creating our own country store on the property was something entirely different, and it was hard to predict how well it might be received.

  “We already have too much to do around here, and could certainly use the help,” Sienna replied, pulling up a stool and a bucket of grain for the goats’ breakfast. Right then, Lucy, our most vocal goat, angled her head and bleated, anxious to eat as Sienna sprinkled the feed on the ground and they jostled for position.

  Sienna lifted a baby goat and brought it closer to her lap. She’d bottle-feed the young ones while the mommas ate, then would milk them, as was her routine. She loved having the goats around, and Ainsley did too, especially because they could be pretty entertaining—at least Ainsley thought so. I wasn’t so happy when one of my hats went missing, and to this day, I still suspected Lucy ate it, simply because she tried to consume everything.

  “Don’t repeat this, but Mom hinted that maybe Julian is a bit…lost right now.” Sienna winced, as if sorry to have voiced it out loud. “Coming home after such a long deployment isn’t easy, and Aunt Melinda thinks Julian could use a break from the city.”

  Plus, he was a combat veteran. If I had all the details right, he’d been to Afghanistan on two tours of duty and was nearly blown to pieces by a roadside bomb. Some heavy shit. Damn, the guy had probably seen more than he ever wanted to in his lifetime. Anything I’d ever done—which mostly consisted of rounding up cattle on horseback at the Carmichael Ranch—would pale in comparison.

  “Besides, he’s family,” Sienna added, bringing me out of my thoughts.

  I shrugged. I supposed I would always consider the North family relatives, even if it wasn’t by blood nor law, not anymore. I had known Sienna my whole life, and she was definitely still considered family by my parents and siblings, even after our divorce. Besides, our daughter tied us all together, and I’d never have it any other way. She was the most important person in the world to me and always would be.

  “Tell Julian he’s more than welcome.” The North family might’ve lived clear across the country, but Aunt Melinda had been raised in this town, even if she decided not to leave roots. Guess I don’t blame her. But looking out the barn door at the line of cottonwood trees just beyond the horse paddock, I acknowledged that despite everything, Wyoming was in my blood, and I’d be just as lost as Julian if I was ever forced to leave—not that Julian was forced, but his injuries had sidelined him for good. At least that was the way I’d heard it.

  “Gonna take care of the chickens, so holler if you need me,” I said, padding toward the door. “C’mon, Phoebe.”

  Phoebe was our pink pig, and when she waddled after me, I knew Hamlet, Phoebe’s counterpart in everything but coloring—he was a deep ebony—wouldn’t be too far behind.

  I could almost hear my brother Hunter’s voice in my head. What does anyone want with a couple of useless pigs?

  But taking in the litter runts from another farm last year had been the right decision for us, and they had become part of our family.

  I stepped inside the coop and sprinkled feed for the chickens, still thinking about my brother and his little digs. My hand closed into a fist as I remembered the argument that’d broken out around the dinner table after I’d come out to my family three years ago. By that time, Sienna and I had already turned a hundred acres of the ranch into Firefly Farm, which Hunter thought was pretty useless too. Raising cows, goats, and chickens wasn’t “real man’s work” to him, and then hearing we’d taken in rehabbed horses and sometimes entertained kids and families with a makeshift petting zoo in the summers had sent his head spinning.

  So breaking the news that I was gay and Sienna was divorcing me was only icing on the cake.

  “You’re a regular black sheep of the family,” Hunter had said under his breath.

  Sienna always complained I was too passive, that I needed to finally have it out with my jackass brother, but it wasn’t in my nature. I’d learned over the years to keep my storm of emotions neatly tucked inside. Like if I let it all out, I might fall apart at the seams.

  My mother and Travis had been stunned at the news I’d delivered like a wallop and sat motionless across the table, staring at me.

  “How could this happen?” Mom had asked, as if it were something that had befallen me, like the cancer my daughter had been diagnosed with only a couple of months later.

  Damn, the guilt of it, as if my confession had somehow caused it, still ate away at me.

  “I was born this way, Mom,” I had responded, knowing it would be a foreign concept to her. Definitely not what they’d taught us in church on Sundays.

  My father’s eyes had narrowed in frustration. “Nonsense.”

  Hunter had trouble meeting my eye, his face all twisted, which didn’t help our already rocky relationship. We were just too different and always had been. I was closer to Travis, but I was the oldest son and had more riding on my shoulders when it came to my parents’ expectations. Travis and Hunter would probably die with the ranch, but I had always wanted out, and the idea likely went along with how stifled I’d felt about my sexuality.

  I had been living a lie and thought I could pull it off, that I could ignore that shameful part of myself forever. I’d been slowly dying inside, but I couldn’t disappoint Sienna, not after we’d had what others called a fairy-tale wedding right out of high school. Christ, we were so young. Too young. But I needed to be the husband she deserved. So I’d put the question of my sexuality on the back burner to give our marriage my all while we worked on opening the farm, and that, at least, brought me solace. The idea that Sienna had the same vision as me, of a smaller patch of land we could call our own. We were friends first in high school, so we had that foundation.

  And it had almost worked. I had almost started believing the lie, until one night my urges got the best of me, and she caught me looking at gay porn on my laptop. Something had broken inside me that night, had burst through the surface like a geyser, and I couldn’t live with myself or the secret anymore. And fuck, hurting her had been brutal, and Sienna wanting a divorce was what
I’d deserved. But then Ainsley got sick, was diagnosed with leukemia just as we were finalizing the paperwork, and suddenly nothing else mattered.

  All bets were off as we desperately clung to each other, to that underpinning of friendship, to help Ainsley fight through it. I’d never forget her night sweats and the bruises under her eyes as she fought off one fever after another.

  Once she went into remission fourteen months ago, we agreed to not physically break up our family, while making sure Ainsley understood we were no longer together as a couple. Then we threw ourselves into making the farm what we’d always dreamed. The dairy farm was mutually beneficial to the Carmichael Ranch, at least when it came to trading heifers and calves and harvesting hay, though our numbers never made a dent in their business.

  Despite sticking together, we still had our rocky moments, our hurtful arguments, where Sienna admitted that some things made sense to her now that she knew about my sexuality. And fuck if that didn’t make me feel even guiltier. But we had a beautiful child together, and after almost losing her, I had to face up to some hard truths and finally move forward, no matter how shaky those first steps were.

  By the time I got back to the house, Ainsley was seated at the breakfast table near George, whose truck I’d spotted parked in his usual spot near the horse stables. He always came inside first to steal a biscuit or two from Marta, our housekeeper, who was currently standing at the stove, whipping up scrambled eggs, Ainsley’s favorite.

  “Daddy.” Ainsley grinned when she spotted me, her blonde hair already falling out of her messy ponytail.

  I pecked her on the head, then marched straight to the sink to wash my hands before Marta scolded me about smelling like the animals, which I more than likely did—couldn’t be helped on a farm. I’d jump in the shower as soon as I had that first taste of strong coffee, which always felt like a come-to-Jesus moment.

  Marta had followed us from the ranch, telling my parents we needed takin’ care of, which both of us appreciated, especially when we were spending long hours at the hospital during Ainsley’s bone-marrow transplant. And somehow, Marta never left. Not that any of us were complaining. She kept us in line with her motherly instinct and sharp Slovakian tone.

  “Mr. George promised I could watch him groom Piper after he exercises her today,” Ainsley said around a sip of orange juice.

  “Did he now?” I spooned some sugar into my mug, and George threw a wink her way. She seemed most happy when with our newest horse, a rescue, so we’d eventually ease her into riding again—with the direction of her therapist—due to her overall cautious personality since she’d gone into remission. After all she’d been through, how could we deny her any sort of contentment? All of this—the quiet, simple life, and me and Sienna making it work—was for her. And I’d give it all up for her too. In a heartbeat.

  But she loved this farm and all the animals just as much as we did.

  Marta clucked her tongue as Ainsley sneaked a bit of biscuit to Hamlet, poised at her feet under the table. He knew whom to use his magical charms on, which explained that little potbelly developing.

  “I’ll come find you, Miss Ainsley.” George waved, heading toward the door.

  “Smells amazing,” Sienna remarked as she stepped inside a minute later. Phoebe followed on her heels, snorting and hoping for a scratch under her chin, and Sienna happily obliged.

  “Gonna take a quick shower before I join you.”

  I headed to my room, stripped, then jumped in the shower. As the water sluiced over my body, I reached for my cock, hoping a good jerk would settle the restlessness inside me this morning. I could never bring myself to click on my favorite porn sites anymore. Not after Sienna got an eyeful that one day. Now I relied on my hand or, on rare occasions, met someone for a quick hookup in town, though the idea of sneaking away turned my stomach. Like I was doing something dirty instead of fulfilling a need.

  But I was only human, and sometimes the idea of pumping solidly into someone’s fist or body overcame me. It was the only time I could truly let go and find a bit of satisfaction in the process. Hell, I’d even taken it up the ass a couple of times just to feel the burn all week and know I had finally connected to my baser instincts.

  I’d get it out of my system, then throw myself back into farm work. And for the most part, it fulfilled its purpose. Except it did little to alleviate my desire to feel a deeper connection to someone again.

  The idea of us against the world. Sienna and I experienced that now to some extent—most likely everyone did when co-parenting—but we no longer spent much time together as friends, not unless it involved Ainsley or the farm. And sometimes…sometimes I missed my friend.

  Pushing that thought aside, I envisioned my last hookup, the man’s thick cock in my hand, and that did the trick. I groaned, spurting my seed into my fist, my muscles finally relenting, and I sagged against the wall. It was just the release I needed.

  As I watched my come wash down the drain, the all-too-brief euphoria was already beginning to fade. But I had so much else to be grateful for. The fact that I got to keep my family intact was worth more to me than a good roll in the hay. I had the rest of my life to worry about those other feelings. Of having something more meaningful in my life. It just wasn’t in the cards for me right now.

  3

  Julian

  I got off the plane at Jackson Hole Airport, which was located in the Grand Teton National Park, and even the view from the sky had been impressive. Sienna waved from the baggage claim area, and seeing her again in person after so long felt surreal—a bit like recapturing some of my childhood. She had my aunt’s fair coloring; her daughter, Ainsley, did as well. At least from what I saw on social-media posts.

  “Long time, no see,” Sienna said with a grin, pulling me into a hug.

  “Tell me about it.”

  As I drew back, she twined her fingers through the hair at my ear. “I haven’t seen you without a buzz cut in ages. Looks good.”

  “Thanks.” It had honestly felt good to grow it out the past year, but also strange and a little bit like a betrayal to my former battalion. It didn’t make much sense, except that there were rites of passage from becoming a soldier, and closely cropped hair was one of them.

  Once I retrieved my suitcase, I followed Sienna to the parking lot. Her pickup truck with the Firefly Farm insignia splayed across the door in bright green and blue colors was instantly recognizable from the photos Mom had shown me.

  “Why the Firefly name, by the way?” I asked as I slid onto the passenger seat. “If I’m not mistaken, there aren’t any in the Northwest.”

  She smiled as she turned the key in the ignition. “Remember the summers we visited you guys in the city?”

  A childhood memory flashed through my mind—all the cousins from both sides of the family camping in the backyard of my paternal uncle’s house on Long Island. There was a bonfire and s’mores and tons of fireflies lighting up the sky along with the moon.

  “That’s right, you were fascinated by them,” I said as we exited the parking lot.

  “I think I even tried to bottle a couple and bring them back with me,” she mused. “Didn’t work out so well.”

  “Now it all makes sense.” I cracked a smile. “It’s a good name. I like it.”

  “Thanks.” We slid into the busy traffic from the airport, likely filled with visitors since summer was a popular time for the national park. But once we were driving on the mostly deserted backroads through Cottonwood Creek, everything seemed so wide open.

  For the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe.

  “Thanks for inviting me here.” The sun warmed my skin, and my chest felt lighter. “I don’t know if I’ll be of much use, but I was going a bit stir-crazy in the city.”

  “You used to love it there. What do you think changed?” she asked, then sobered immediately. “Never mind, dumb question.”

  “It’s not dumb,” I replied, my eyes meeting hers. “But yeah, d
eployment definitely changes you.”

  She glanced down at my knee, then quickly away as if afraid to put a spotlight on my injuries. But I wasn’t ashamed of my discharge, and by now I was used to people asking all sorts of questions.

  “I was sorry to hear about your injury.”

  I adjusted my leg, which had begun to ache on the cramped plane, something I’d had to get used to. “Could’ve been much worse.”

  I pushed the visions of the bomb exploding out of my brain and focused on the rolling green landscape out my window. You’re in Wyoming, which is located in the United States.

  “Will you need…” She shook her head, pink dotting her cheeks. “Forgive my ignorance. I’m sure you’re very capable, but if there’s anything you might need, let me know.”

  “No worries. My knee shouldn’t slow me down that much.” I held in my wince as we shifted onto a dirt road. “I’ve become adjusted pretty quickly.”

  Being in a constricted space for too long, as well as bending too much, were probably the only things that aggravated it. That and long walks in the middle of the night on hard pavement.

  As we drove through the city limits with the mountains as a backdrop, I couldn’t help thinking how pretty this area was. So many vibrant colors after being in the desert far too long. And so much quiet after the maddening buzz of city life.

  “Was it always your dream to have your own ranch?”

  “More a farm, actually. Kerry and I had discussed it early in our marriage, having somethin’ of our own, but then everything got turned upside down with…” She took a deep breath. “Our divorce and Ainsley getting sick, and we…well, we always wanted a simpler life, especially so she could focus on getting better.”

  “Looks like it worked,” I replied, thinking of the news Mom had emailed me when I was still on deployment. It had been awesome to hear good news from back home, like something was finally going right when everything around me was so unstable.