Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  6

  Kerry

  “Thanks for your help,” I said as we finished milking the last of the girls.

  “No problem. I enjoyed myself. Does that sound crazy?”

  I cracked a smile. “Not at all. Hope you feel the same by the end of your stay.”

  “Guess we’ll see.”

  Julian seemed more solemn and cautious than the skinny, happy-go-lucky kid who had visited the ranch as a teen. Suppose losing your father and a couple of deployments would do that to you. He still seemed like a bundle of energy, though, but in a different way. Like he needed to keep moving or he might…what? Fall apart at the seams?

  Okay, I was making huge leaps here. I barely knew him, and hoped our arrangement worked out and was mutually beneficial. It didn’t help my practical celibacy that he had cheekbones for miles and muscles in all the right places, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t seen other attractive guys out there. I did work in the ranching industry, after all, where there were plenty of beefy men. Straight, homophobic beefy men. But I didn’t get the same sense from him as I did from others, like he wanted to steer clear because of my sexuality. In fact, I got a certain other vibe from him that I needed to ignore—a sort of curiosity and openness. Maybe he was simply the type of guy who scrutinized stuff a little more closely. That made sense.

  “Guess I overslept,” Sienna said, stepping inside the barn. She usually tended to the goats a bit later than I did the cows, especially if she heard Ainsley stirring early. Ainsley didn’t like being alone in the farmhouse, even though she was getting to the age where she could fend for herself with cartoons and cereal until Marta arrived for the day or one of us got her off to the school bus. But since summer had arrived, her anxieties seemed to be getting the best of her again, and she was tied to our hips most mornings until she got her bearings. Some days I wasn’t sure I could wrap my brain around it, but then I’d squeeze a smile out of her, and relief would instantly flood me that at least I could still hold my baby girl in my arms.

  “I was just giving a lesson on milking cows,” I replied as we stepped out of the stall.

  “Already?” she said in a flustered tone. “Julian just got here.”

  Before I could explain, Julian held up his hands. “Oh, I didn’t mind at all. I actually liked jumping right in.”

  “Well, if that’s the case,” she replied with a grin, “you’re more than welcome to help with the goats before breakfast.”

  “Perfect,” he said with a gleam of excitement in his eyes before looking back at me. “Thanks again.”

  “No problem.” I waved and made my way to the door. “Off to the chickens. See you at breakfast.”

  When I glanced back, Hamlet was circling Julian’s legs, along with a couple of goats, and he looked highly amused. It was a good look on him. It softened the lines on his forehead.

  And then the morning flew by like it always did as the sun came up. There was always work to do on a farm, and during our birthing season in the spring, it was nonstop action. I let the chickens roam free inside the enclosure while I collected the eggs, making sure to separate a dozen for Marta. I waved to George as he headed to the horse stables, and then I went inside the house to wash up.

  Marta had breakfast going, and Ainsley was at the table with one of her word-search books she loved so much. I kissed my daughter’s head as I went by, then greeted Marta with the fresh eggs on my way to my room.

  When I returned to the kitchen, Sienna and Julian were digging into pancakes and eggs. Seemed she finished her chores in record time with Julian’s help. He was already proving useful, and given his hearty appetite, it seemed he might’ve agreed.

  Julian made a satisfied sound after swallowing a mouthful. “Damn, fresh eggs really are delicious.”

  Sienna smiled. “Can’t argue that. Plus, Marta is a fantastic cook.”

  “Uh-oh, I better watch my waistline while I’m here,” Julian said, shoveling more in his mouth, and Ainsley snickered. I wanted to say he probably didn’t have anything to worry about there, but I was pretty sure that wouldn’t go over too well.

  When Phoebe rubbed against my legs beneath the table, I leaned down to stroke behind her ears, and that was when I spotted Hamlet settled near Julian, hoping for some falling food, no doubt.

  “Did you have any pets growing up?” I found myself asking.

  “Actually, no.” He frowned, as if regretting it. “Though we did use service dogs to help with explosive detection, and they became like family…” He trailed off, narrowing his eyes, with a faraway look, as if picturing it or maybe somewhat bothered by the image in his head. “And there were strays we fed in the desert. Kinda nice to have them around.”

  “They can definitely provide equal parts comfort and comic relief,” Marta said just as Phoebe snorted under the table, and we all laughed. “See what I mean?”

  Once we all dug in, the table grew silent until the eggs and pancakes were gone. Then I was clearing dishes and taking them to the sink over Marta’s usual protests.

  “I told you, just because you cook for us doesn’t mean we can’t use our manners and clean up after ourselves,” I explained for the hundredth time. Plus, it was teaching Ainsley how to be polite. I didn’t want her to think there were rigid gender roles around here, even though that was hard to shake in our part of the world.

  “I’m stuffed,” Julian said, pushing back from the table and taking his plate to the sink. “Thank you, Marta. And your coffee this morning was good too. Mom never likes the strong stuff.”

  “You tell your momma that Marta is taking care of you now.”

  He smiled. “She’ll like hearing that.”

  He seemed to enjoy hearing that sentiment too, given the contentment on his face. Maybe it calmed him to be surrounded by people familiar to him. I hoped he felt welcomed here.

  “Ready for that walk to the silos?” Sienna asked, putting away the syrup and other condiments.

  Julian glanced out the window at the cloudless sky. It was pleasant now but would become a scorcher today. The more chores done earlier, the better. “Definitely.”

  The four of us set out, Ainsley running ahead with the pigs and a couple of stray goats that George rounded up before they wandered too far from the pasture where he’d let them out to graze.

  We slowed as we passed the paddock so Ainsley could check in on her mare, who neighed upon seeing her. Ainsley moved closer to the wooden slats so she could poke her hand through and try to entice Piper to the fence. But she was a newer rescue to the farm and still a bit standoffish. She was a buckskin horse with a strip of white along her nose and a steady temperament that seemed to calm Ainsley whenever she was near. She would also be the perfect size for her to ride, though Ainsley was only just working up to it. Her last horse had remained at the ranch due to her old age and had to be euthanized last year when a rupture in her intestines got the best of her.

  Sienna pointed out some of the other horses George was exercising, including her mare, Felicity, who stood taller than Piper. The gelding Rocket belonged to me, and he could be temperamental if I was unable to visit him for a couple of days in a row. He’d give me the cold shoulder, which George found funny and Sienna thought was nonsense until she witnessed it herself before an evening ride. “He’s like a miffed lover,” she’d said with a laugh as I tried to coax him out of his stall. He was a handsome seal-brown quarter horse who’d been with me since my dad gifted him to me when I was ten.

  “Do you like horses?” Ainsley asked Julian as if it were a litmus test for her to decide whether she should let down her guard around him. She stroked Rocket’s flank when he bounded to the fence to sniff around for treats. When he realized we had none, he snuffed at us, then promptly returned to grooming Felicity’s withers, as he’d been known to do more recently. Sienna joked that he was romancing her, and for all I knew, she might’ve been right.

  “I’m not sure,” Julian replied, standing a distance back from the fence, only observ
ing. “I’ve never really been around them.”

  “If you’re ever interested, we can get you started,” Sienna said, patting his shoulder.

  He looked a bit wary, and I got it. They were large, imposing animals—majestic, really—but could look intimidating. Once you got to know horses, they were the best, and could be very affectionate. Each had their own personality, and my own had gotten me through the worst of times.

  As we continued our walk toward the main road, I listened as Sienna and Julian talked about their mothers and what each aunt was up to. It’d been a hard road between me and my ex-mother-in-law because I’d hurt her daughter—hurt the whole family, really. But she’d begun coming around after countless trips to the hospital with Ainsley. Maybe that’d been when Maggie grasped that I wasn’t going anywhere—no way in hell—and began to accept the idea that Sienna and I were over, but that we’d always be in each other’s lives. Julian also mentioned his sister, Caitlin, whom I’d seen in recent photos from Aunt Melinda on social media and knew she was getting married at the end of summer.

  “She’s excited. It’s going to be a small wedding with only immediate family, in the Hamptons, where Tim’s parents have a place on the beach,” he said just as Ainsley reached for my hand and gave me the pleading look she normally did when she was petering out. It always made my heart skip a beat, how fragile her small frame still was from her illness, and when Sienna’s eyes met mine, she knew exactly what was transpiring without anyone saying a word. We’d always have that between us—that shared history that was ours alone. Just one look between us could say it all. And it made my chest ache all over again because I missed that about us and wasn’t sure I’d ever have it again.

  I bent down so Ainsley could climb on my back for a piggyback ride. She laughed as her bony knees encircled my waist, her long fingers gripped my shoulders, and I thought I’d never get tired of hearing that high-pitched squeal as I swung her around.

  I could feel Julian’s gaze searing into me, and when I glanced in his direction, his eyes had softened as if he understood perfectly well. But it was also that same sort of open curiosity that unnerved me, like he could see right inside me. Though I wasn’t sure how he possibly could.

  I noticed his limp again, which seemed a bit more pronounced. Guilt stabbed at me that we didn’t pile in the truck instead, but I would bet he was a stubborn one and would not appreciate being catered to, not one bit.

  When we neared the main road, the silos appeared like giant silver bullets rising toward the cerulean-blue sky.

  Julian’s steps faltered as he glanced upward. “Whoa, they’re huge this close up.”

  “Sort of like them skyscrapers where you live?” I asked.

  “You can say that.” He dipped his head. “Good analogy.”

  As we came upon the one closest to us, Sienna led him toward the solid steel door. “This one no longer holds feed for the animals, but it’s still messy inside and will need to be cleared out.”

  She unlocked the door, and we stepped inside. Had there not been boxes and tools and random shit that had been thrown in there for storage over the years, our voices probably would’ve sounded hollow.

  A wary look crossed Sienna’s face, and I knew she was afraid she’d brought Julian all the way out here and he wouldn’t share her vision. “I don’t know… I thought it would be cool. People can see it from the road, and if we got more organized and worked out a solid plan, we could actually make this into a storefront.”

  Then she seemed to hold her breath as Julian walked along the walls, touching some of the surfaces as if to test their sturdiness, then looked straight up to the cylindrical ceiling. For Ainsley’s part, she had wandered back outside to explore with the pigs. She knew better than to lead them toward the road.

  “What’s your vision?” Julian asked, and I wondered if Sienna noted the gleam in his eye.

  Sienna motioned with her hands. “Shelving and counters to soften the industrial feel of it, plus a grander entrance.”

  He spun around as if trying to envision it, and when his face broke out into a grin, I knew she had him. “It would be pretty cool.” He loved this sort of shit. Good to know.

  And when Sienna squealed and clapped her hands, I felt such relief. She deserved everything. Not only after what I’d put her through, but because of what Ainsley went through as well. We almost lost her, and that devastating feeling would never leave us. We still felt like we were walking on thin ice.

  When Julian met my gaze, I motioned toward Sienna, who was now rummaging through a box, and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  Pink crawled across his cheeks as he dipped his head, then turned away to ask more questions. They had all summer to figure it out, and by the time of a grand opening, Julian might already be on a plane back to the city. So why did I have a feeling this summer was about to become way more interesting with him around?

  7

  Julian

  “What’s Kerry like?” Caitlin asked in a hushed tone.

  We’d had a couple of video calls since my arrival in Wyoming almost two weeks ago. This time I was in my room after dinner, hoping to take a shower, then play around on social media before bed.

  I had fallen into a routine of sorts the past several days. I woke up naturally at dawn—sometimes from a nightmare, other times from the rooster’s call—poured some coffee, then went to the barn to help milk the cows or whatever else needed done. After breakfast I’d head to the silo, where I was slowly chipping away at clearing the space of all the stuff that’d been stored there. Sienna or Kerry would inevitably show up to tell me what should be saved and what should be discarded and hauled to the junkyard in one of their trucks.

  It was hard work, but I was glad for it, plus being in the space really helped me get a feel for Sienna’s vision, which was fast becoming my own. I could picture the layout and how cool the concept would be if I could pull it off. I’d never doubted myself when it came to this type of work, so I wasn’t sure why I would be now.

  “Let’s see…” I answered Caitlin, glancing at the door to be sure I’d shut it behind me. “He’s a hard worker, dotes on Ainsley and the animals, and is actually pretty charming once you get past his quiet demeanor.”

  And really fucking hot. Good God, he was growing more attractive by the day. Which was so not a thing I should’ve been thinking about, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. The more we interacted, which was normally in close proximity, the more I looked forward to his company. And if I could get him to laugh, it was even better. His whole face lit up, which was how I’d discovered he had dimples. In fact, when I’d pointed them out, he blushed, which softened his rougher edges. And when he took off his cowboy hat to wipe his brow? All of those tawny waves came tumbling out, and I probably gaped before turning away.

  Christ, I had a crush on my cousin. Well, my ex-cousin-in-law. Still, not a good idea. At all.

  Thankfully, Caitlin hummed, dragging me out of my thoughts.

  “So he’s not a complete asshat?” she asked, and I could hear the smirk in her voice.

  What in the world would she say if she knew I was hot for an unattainable cowboy in Wyoming who also used to be married to Sienna? Not that I wanted to bang the guy, maybe just fantasize about him a little out here in the middle of nowhere without feeling totally guilty about it.

  Christ.

  “I mean, a divorce always causes heartache, right? And of course, Aunt Maggie would protect Sienna; we all would want to”—I lowered my voice—“not that she needs defending, because she’s pretty badass. But it seems they’ve worked through it.”

  At least it appeared that way to me. There didn’t seem to be any animosity between them, and from what I could tell, they worked together well but also gave each other space. When Kerry had disappeared the other evening, I didn’t dare ask where he was off to, nor the subsequent night when Sienna did the same. The farm wasn’t the only life they had, and even I had enjoyed a couple of trips to town, once
to pick up supplies with Sienna and the other to deliver dairy to a local mom-and-pop shop with George. Sienna thought it would be a good idea to view another store’s setup. And it helped, because Sienna’s style was more country chic with a sophisticated slant, just like the decor at the farmhouse.

  “Glad to hear it,” Caitlin replied. “Mom always thought you two could become friends.”

  “Why, because I like boys too?” I rolled my eyes. “Not that he knows that. And I might just keep it that way.” Besides, getting to know him on a more organic level was better. Unless he already had me figured out. I’d been caught staring at him more than once, not that he’d ever called me on it.

  “You know Mom always had a soft spot for him, especially growing up in the same town,” she said. “Coming out might not have been as harrowing for you, but it definitely was for him.”

  “No kidding. This is a totally different way of life.” One that I was actually enjoying, for now.

  But I could feel the tension just from the couple of times Kerry’s mom had shown up at the farm to visit Ainsley. The stilted conversation I’d witnessed between them when she mentioned Kerry’s father being busy with one thing or another made my stomach feel queasy. He appeared to take it in stride, but I could see flickers of anguish in his eyes.

  I had even brought it up to Mom in our video call the other day when I’d shown her the silo, and she had frowned and sighed, wondering as I did if they would ever come around. Then she’d stayed on with me while I walked back to the house, where I put Marta on the spot. But the two of them briefly caught up and seemed glad for the contact.

  “Wait, is that snorting I hear?” Caitlin asked.

  “That’s my new friend, Hamlet. Here, look.” I turned the camera toward the tiny thing—though not that tiny. Sienna said he and Phoebe were about thirty pounds each. “They have another pig named Phoebe, and she’s a light pink color.”