Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  “If you were Mercy’s mirror of the world, what would he see through your eyes?”

  Well, if that wasn’t a profound question, I didn’t know what was. I grew very still as I studied the horse in front of me, who was trusting me enough not to hurt him.

  “He would see that…sometimes painful stuff happens that makes you ache all over, even down to your bones,” I replied, my eyes suddenly growing misty. “But with time it’ll feel better. You just have to find your way.”

  “Can you help him find his way?” Dr. Barnes asked.

  “What do you mean?” My voice came out raw with emotion.

  “Well, he’s been groomed by you several times now, and that’s felt good and safe. But maybe he’s ready to take the next step.”

  My stomach dipped as much with fear as wariness. “What’s the next step?”

  “Definitely not you riding him, so I want you to relax. I saw how you tensed up,” she said, and I chuckled because it was true. “But horses like exercise and company. It’s what keeps them moving in a pasture.”

  I held my breath and waited. Did she want me to go out to the pasture with him?

  “How about you walk him around the paddock?”

  I glanced over my shoulder at the oval-shaped enclosure. “I’d like that.”

  “Great. First you need to untie him,” she said, joining me near the fence. “Stand to the left side of him and grab the rope with your dominant hand.”

  I did as she instructed, my hands trembling.

  “Now it’s just you and Mercy.” She stepped back. “Use your instincts to guide him.”

  It took me a minute to work up the courage. In a lot of ways, Mercy was just like me. He only wanted gentle hands—okay, maybe a firm hand sometimes too. I willed away the heat from my cheeks.

  “C’mon, boy.” When I stepped forward, I thought he was going to resist, but he didn’t. We walked side by side, staying in tune with one another as we went around the curves.

  “That’s it. You’re doing great,” Dr. Barnes said as I lost myself in leading him. It felt exhilarating, even though it was only a stupid walk around a paddock.

  After our third time, I led him back toward the fence, where Dr. Barnes helped me tie him up again. I couldn’t keep the grin off my face, just like those couple of times I’d watched Ainsley from afar in her sessions. It was a feeling of accomplishment, sure. But also something way bigger—deeper—than that.

  I sobered as I considered asking a question that had been bugging me for days.

  “What will happen to Mercy after I’m gone? I mean, I know he’s in a safe place. I just wondered—”

  “You helped lay the groundwork for him to trust others.” She patted my shoulder. “You’ll always have a special bond.”

  That didn’t sit right with me, I decided, after we ended our session and I walked back to work at the silo. I almost wished I hadn’t started anything with Mercy in the first place because I realized now how much I would miss him. Kerry too.

  Just as I was beginning to sand the large sideboard that would work as a counter in their store, Sienna swept through the door with a boxful of different stains we were going to test on the wood grain surface.

  “That looks amazing.” Her gaze swept around the space, taking it all in at a glance. I’d finished installing the shelves—some floating from the beams I’d placed above us to mimic a ceiling—as well as the cabinets and counters that would serve as display areas. “I can’t believe we’re almost ready.”

  “Right? I swear it was just yesterday when you picked me up at the airport,” I said, even though it was a lie. It felt like I’d been here forever, and it would always feel part of me, like a catharsis of sorts, and not just because of the horse and the cowboy I’d come to adore.

  I dug in the box and pulled out one of the colors she’d brought. The only things left were to make the space come alive with paint, decorations, and her goat-milk products, which would likely take us to the day of my flight home. Caitlin wouldn’t relax until she knew I was in my seat and on my way to see her get married.

  “You’ll come to the county fair this weekend?”

  “Of course!” I replied, more than curious what in the world people did at those things besides eat giant doughy things and drink fresh lemonade. According to Ainsley, there were pie-eating contests, tractor pulls, and livestock exhibits—oh, and the pig races she kept talking about. Not that Phoebe and Hamlet were entering, though I was sure they’d give the others a run for their money. Speaking of those two, I hadn’t seen them since before my session, when they were running around in the pasture with the baby goats. Such goofballs.

  “It’ll help to see what products are popular, for staging purposes.”

  Staging wasn’t always my thing. I enjoyed the building part of flipping houses better, and Dad always did too. But I’d learned enough about it from Mom—keep the basics neutral and bring in colors through accessories—plus Sienna was talented with decorating in her own right.

  Sienna frowned. “It sucks that you won’t be here for the grand opening.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I sighed. “Promise to send me photos, and I’ll return the favor with the ceremony?”

  “It’s a deal.” Suddenly she stepped closer and wrapped me in a hug. “We’ll miss you. I think Kerry most of all. You’re a good friend.”

  “He’s a good friend too,” I said around a thick throat. “But hey, don’t kick me out yet.”

  She drew back, grinning. “Sorry, been a bit of a sap lately.”

  I arched a brow. “Yeah?”

  She shyly bit her lip, then strode toward the door, saying she forgot a box in the truck.

  Uh-huh, sure she did.

  Right before she stepped out, she turned to look at me. “I know it’s none of my business, but I saw you with Mercy earlier and…you looked good.”

  24

  Kerry

  We’d spent the better part of our Sunday at the county fair, and all of us were pretty beat. Between the Firefly booth, the pig races, and livestock shows, the heat was eating us alive, and talking to customers, neighbors, and family all day long got old fast—at least it did for me.

  I’d have preferred to hide in a corner and watch Julian in action. He was way better at helping wherever he was needed and getting things done—and charming the pants off the town’s females in the process. If he’d donned his fatigues, they’d undoubtedly be goners. The camouflage hat was enough of a giveaway, plus the manners mixed with brawn had men alike swooning. I’d been lucky enough to feel those muscles and the hint of scruff up close and personal.

  Okay, brain, knock it off before I really get myself going.

  Ainsley and I did our part by dragging Julian here and there to get the full experience, and it was in the steer-competition tent that Hunter approached us as we were making nice with my parents, Sienna’s mom, and Travis’s family in the stands. Hunter normally entered the ranch in all the competitions, but Mom had just finished telling me that this year he’d apparently left it all to Travis, who was now standing ringside near the judges. Between that information and the target practice from the other day, I wondered if Hunter was going through something, but he’d shut me down right quick if I ever asked him.

  Hunter sat on the other side of Julian instead of one bench below with our parents, so I figured it was on purpose and he was working up to something. All my muscles tensed at the prospect.

  “So, hey, sorry about what happened the other day,” Hunter said in a softer register, probably hoping I wasn’t paying attention, so I pretended to point out something to Ainsley. “I wasn’t thinking, just blowing off steam—”

  “It’s fine. We’re good,” Julian replied in a curt voice, more than likely mortified Hunter had brought it up and wanting to direct the focus away from himself. Except what he said next took me by surprise. “Besides, Kerry was there, and he’s the best kind of person, so I was in good hands.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Hu
nter replied, and I nearly laughed out loud because Julian had thrown him for a loop. I’d be sure to call Julian a shit-stirrer later. Instead, I pressed my shoulder against his without making eye contact. If Hunter noticed, fuck him. When he pressed back, I wanted to shut my eyes and revel in the contact.

  “You said you were blowing off steam?” Julian asked. “Were you pretending to aim at your worst enemy or something?”

  Hunter laughed. “Nah, I’m not so good at it anyway. You’d definitely be a better shot.”

  “Probably,” Julian admitted, and I loved that he owned it, especially in front of Hunter. “But I don’t partake, unless I’m called to duty.”

  There was a moment of awkward silence, and I was dying to steal a look at Hunter to gauge his reaction. I hoped he felt like an idiot.

  “Heard you used to be part of the rodeo,” Julian said, and my stomach tightened. “Do you miss it?”

  “Sometimes, yeah. Being on the road and discovering new things.” I noticed how Hunter’s gaze swung toward my parents, but they seemed focused on the ring. “Bet you’ve gotten to see a bit of the world.”

  Well, damn. That’d never occurred to me about Hunter. Did he feel trapped at the ranch? Was that why he goaded me mercilessly about venturing out on my own?

  “Yeah, some,” Julian replied. “But hey, if you’re itching to get on the road, you’re welcome to visit me in the city. Just give me a heads-up.”

  “Appreciate that,” Hunter replied just as he was approached by a couple of friends. He got up and went to sit with them in the back row.

  I nudged Julian’s shoulder. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “Why not?” He smiled. “I doubt he’d take me up on it, anyway.”

  “After that conversation, I’m not so sure,” I replied. Hunter had sounded almost forlorn, and that made me feel some sort of sympathy for him. Not that he deserved it.

  “How about you?” Julian murmured close to my ear. “You gonna take me up on it?”

  Our eyes met and held. “That what you want?”

  He shrugged nonchalantly, but his eyes blazed with longing. “I want a lot of things.”

  Fucking hell.

  “Me too.” I exhaled a heavy breath. “But that thing called life and all its complications sure gets in the way.”

  “Sure does.” He sighed, and I wasn’t sure if it was in disappointment or melancholy, but it made me feel unsettled.

  More pressing of shoulders followed as we fell silent and watched the end of the competition. When the Carmichael Ranch won second place, Ainsley cheered right along with my parents, and there were grins and high fives all around.

  We walked back to the booth with Ainsley and her grandmother to help Sienna break down the booth. To my surprise, or maybe not entirely, Brad was already there helping.

  “Let me grab that,” I said, reaching for one of the boxes he was balancing on his hip.

  “No worries. We got most of it done,” Brad replied, and something about the way he said it felt different. More…possessive, or maybe intimate? It made a certain kind of awareness prickle my brain.

  Julian helped stack the last of the boxes on the grass as he and Sienna discussed which of her products had sold the most.

  “Looks like the goat cheese samples and the hand lotion were most popular,” she said in an excited voice.

  “Sienna is really impressed with what you did to the silo,” Brad said. “I’d love to see it for myself.”

  Julian smiled. “Stop by anytime.”

  “Aren’t you just everyone’s favorite?” I teased as we loaded the last of the boxes onto my truck.

  He bumped my shoulder. “Shut it.”

  As we wandered back to the area where the booths were set up to see if anything was left over, Ainsley was skipping toward me, holding Maggie’s hand. “Daddy, can I sleep at Grandma’s house tonight?”

  “Yeah?” I replied, taken by surprise. She normally was too apprehensive to stay overnight on her own, even if it was her grandmother’s house. This was a step in the right direction.

  “Sounds fun.” I glanced at Sienna, and she seemed as taken aback by the request as me.

  “Then it’s settled,” Maggie said, waving her goodbyes before anyone could change their minds. We had been known to be overly cautious parents where our daughter was concerned these last couple of years.

  Hushed words passed between Sienna and Brad before he began walking toward the parking lot as well, and Sienna turned to me with a pinched look on her face, like she was dreading what she was about to say.

  “I think… I might…” She motioned with her thumb over her shoulder. “Brad invited me to have a drink with some friends. It’s a bar close to my mom’s place. So I’m probably gonna… I think I’ll crash at Mom’s too.”

  Her cheeks were so red, I thought they might catch fire. I needed to put her out of her misery as soon as possible. Christ, she didn’t have to explain anything to me. She was an adult, and we were divorced. Still, I’d confess it felt…strange. “That’s cool. We’ll get the boxes back to the farm.”

  “And I’ve got the goats covered,” Julian piped in, to my relief. He was way better at words at the moment. “Go have fun.”

  “Thanks. See you in the morning,” she replied, then turned and practically fled to Brad’s vehicle.

  As Julian and I slid inside the truck, we were quiet, possibly neither wanting to admit the truth out loud. Or maybe Julian realized I needed time to process what just happened.

  When we got to the farm, we decided that the boxes would hold until morning. But neither of us moved to exit the truck.

  “So we’ve got the place to ourselves?” Julian’s Adam’s apple bobbed against his throat. “All night?”

  I met his eyes and nodded, not quite believing it was real either. We sat breathing the same air for a moment, and his fingers reached out and tangled with mine. And that alone felt so fucking nice.

  “Help me check the barn and stables?” I asked after another few seconds.

  Even though George had come in to help us out on his day off, I needed to make sure for myself all was in order, and I breathed a sigh of relief when nothing seemed amiss.

  Even the chickens were resting quietly.

  It was my brain that wouldn’t shut up, still reeling from the fair. Hunter revealing some unexpected things, Ainsley asking for a sleepover—and Sienna possibly having a sleepover of her own. Damn.

  And now I was home with the best blue-ribbon prize of the evening.

  Julian.

  It was quiet—solemn even—as we set up Phoebe and Hamlet on the floor near my bed, then stripped out of our clothes on the way to remove the grime from our day. Huddled together under the warm stream in the shower, we made quick work of soaping our bodies.

  But it was also the first time we were fully bare in front of each other, and I couldn’t help looking my fill. Whereas last time I’d walked in on Julian in the shower—which seemed ages ago now—he’d tried covering his torso, this time he seemed more settled in his own skin, scars and all. The dark, fuzzy hair on his chest and groin and legs was enticing on its own, and I fondly remembered how I’d practically attacked his underarm that time in the silo.

  Then Julian slipped behind me and insisted on washing my hair painstakingly slowly. I sighed as I leaned against his solid chest. It felt pretty damned amazing. And by the time we reached for the towels and got out, we were both hard as stone.

  “Not making any assumptions.” His eyes met mine in the mirror. “I just…want you, Kerry. Need you.”

  “Fuck.” I shivered, making quick work of drying off. “Condoms and lube are in the top drawer in the nightstand.”

  When I got to my room, he was setting the supplies on the comforter, and his beautiful ass was on display. I wrapped him in my arms and kissed a stripe across his nape. Goose bumps appeared along the fine hairs there, and I marveled at how responsive he was to my every touch.

  Julian had become li
ke this itch under my skin, and I felt this persistent need to touch him and talk to him, to be in his presence. I didn’t know what I’d do when he was gone, so I needed to draw this out, savor him. This was likely the only chance we’d ever get.

  I lightly slapped each of his ass cheeks, which I could tell he liked, before urging him to lie down on the mattress.

  “Christ, just look at you.” I stood back and marveled at him. I wanted to lick and suck every part of him I could reach so I could officially make him mine.

  But he wasn’t mine—it was only for tonight.

  I had so many thoughts floating through my head—deep, affectionate thoughts I couldn’t say out loud, so I’d show him instead.

  Hovering over him, I took his mouth in a bruising kiss that made him groan, his arms grappling with my shoulders for leverage. I moved down to his jaw and throat, licking and sucking his skin as I went, and I loved seeing the flush steal across his collarbones and pecs.

  His nipples were wet from my mouth as I sucked them into stiff nubs, my cock and balls already aching for release from just the sight and smell of him. Julian squirmed as I kissed down the center of his chest, making sure to brush my lips over every scar the shrapnel had left on his skin, even the one on his rib cage, and he gripped my hair, his voice catching when he realized what I was doing. “Kerry.”

  “I told you—beautiful.” I dipped my tongue in his belly button, then licked over the arc of his hip bones, and he trembled beneath my touch.

  “Please,” he whined, but I wasn’t done with him yet.

  I nipped at the tender skin where his thigh met his groin, dragged my stubble across it, then buried my nose into his wiry hair, getting a good smell of the soapy, woodsy scent I’d come to appreciate too much.

  His cock left sticky beads of precome all over his abdomen, and his stomach trembled when I bent forward to lick off the evidence. I lightly stroked his cock upward, and he growled in frustration, hoping for more.

  I hummed from the heady taste of his seed on my tongue as the tips of my fingers followed a path to his nipples again. I squeezed the pebbled nubs just as I engulfed his hot cock in my mouth, and he arched off the mattress. “Oh my fucking God.”