Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  Sienna’s gaze met mine, and she grinned at me, no doubt also thrilled that the opening was going so well. She was planted behind the register, ringing up customers, while Brad was nearby, helping direct or answer questions. They had announced to their families that they were officially dating, and I was happy for them. I didn’t know what our lives might look like a year from now, but I’d keep the farm afloat however I could, even if it meant working it without Sienna. Regardless, the extra revenue from Firefly Goods would help our little family no matter what.

  Ainsley also seemed to take the news pretty well. She’d had loads of questions for us, of course.

  “Will you and Brad be getting married?” she’d asked over dinner one night.

  “We’re only dating, for now. Nothing will change in our lives except for Brad coming around a bit more.” I could see the strain in Sienna’s eyes. “Is that okay?”

  “Yes. Brad is nice.” Then Ainsley’s gaze had swung to me. “Will Daddy date too?”

  “Probably not,” I’d replied without hesitation.

  “But Daddy needs someone to make him smile too.” She’d looked thoughtfully at me, and I’d wondered if I’d done a poor job of keeping my sour mood at bay. “Julian made Daddy smile. Will he be visiting us again?”

  I’d inhaled sharply through my nose. I knew she was only being an observant kid, but she didn’t know how right on the nose she was.

  When Sienna glanced at me, her eyes had softened. “I hope so—or maybe Daddy should go visit Julian in the city.”

  “Me, in New York City?” I’d marveled, petting Hamlet, who had inserted himself below my feet as if he knew I needed extra cuddles too. “I’d look like a fish out of water.”

  “You would,” she mused. “Still. After the grand opening, maybe you can take time away from the farm and sort some things out.”

  “You mean—” Was she saying what I thought she was?

  She shrugged, then glanced at Ainsley. “People will adjust; isn’t that what you told me?”

  “Yeah… Maybe.”

  But she had planted a seed, and an idea began taking shape. Even though I hadn’t heard from Julian, I still looked up ticket prices to New York City for the following weekend. If my memory served me right, he’d be home from the beach by then.

  If I showed up only to be rejected, then at least I’d know—and then I could try to move on. I’d gone ahead and ordered the ticket even if I’d be out hundreds of dollars. I’d never done anything impulsive like that, so it felt good. It felt right.

  “Such a great turnout,” Maggie said, sidling up beside me. She was proud of Sienna, I could see it in her eyes. Proud of Ainsley too, even if it did take Maggie a minute to get over the idea of Ainsley showing horses like her grandmother. If Sienna hadn’t talked to Maggie about it, I would’ve had to, which might not have gone over as well. But Maggie had come around, like she always did.

  “It is,” I replied, just as I caught a glimpse of my parents and brothers talking to Ainsley at the petting zoo. It was awesome of them to show up, and there weren’t even any snide comments about the setup from Hunter.

  In fact, things had been better all around between us since our chat at the fence. And when we’d shown up for Sunday dinner, I’d felt more comfortable, though that wasn’t saying much. Hunter must’ve had a heart-to-heart with my father about some things. Dad was less grumbly and more distracted, so maybe the focus was temporarily going to be taken off me.

  “I wanted to say thank you,” Maggie said in a cautious voice.

  “What do you mean?”

  “For sticking by Sienna all this time. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

  “It’s actually been the easiest part.” It was true. No way I would’ve walked away, unless she’d begged me to leave. “I may have finally come to terms with my own sexuality, but that didn’t mean I wanted to abandon my family.”

  Maggie looked away guiltily, likely because her initial response to the whole situation had not been kind. She’d been angry with me, and I got the reason why. But we had come a long way since then.

  “You’re a good man.” She patted my arm, glancing over her shoulder into the store, no doubt thrilled about Sienna and Brad’s status. “You deserve to be happy too.”

  Christ, if I heard one more person say that, I might lose it. How welcoming would they truly be if I started bringing some guy around? The thought made me feel nauseous because no one could compare to the man who owned my heart.

  And right then it was as if the clouds had parted and a ray of sunshine was beaming down on the crowd.

  “Holy shit.” I blinked repeatedly, wondering if my eyes were deceiving me. Somehow Julian North was walking toward me through the crowd, and my stomach felt like it was on spin cycle.

  “Melinda?” I vaguely heard Maggie say as my legs began carrying me forward.

  Everything else faded away as my focus narrowed down to the man standing right in front of me. My fingers itched to reach out to him, to make sure he was real, but I wasn’t even sure what him being here meant.

  “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be…”

  “I hope this is okay. I wanted to see the grand opening for myself.” I deflated a little because he wasn’t here for me but to see his work come to fruition, and I certainly couldn’t fault him that. “And, well, Mom insisted that we come.”

  “She did?” I glanced briefly over my shoulder and saw Maggie and Melinda locked in an embrace. It’d been a while since the sisters had seen each other in person too.

  “Uh-huh,” he replied, wariness in his gaze. “And Sienna too. She texted me photos, then asked if we could talk.”

  “About what?” That was when I noticed she’d come outside to greet Aunt Melinda too.

  “About you and me. She said you were being all mopey because you missed me.”

  “She did, did she?” I smirked. So she was working us from both sides? “What else did she say?”

  “That she wanted you to be happy, and was apparently under some illusion that I could…well…”

  His cheeks flushed as our eyes met, and I could feel my heart thundering in my ears. Fuck, was this really happening?

  “I debated coming because you’re a stubborn man, Kerry Carmichael.” Julian snickered a little. “And it’s okay if this is too much for you. You look a bit shell-shocked. I know I never contacted you, not even about that amazing gift. But unwrapping it about killed me, and I thought talking to you might make this…this longing for you even worse.”

  “I…” Holy fuck. I was still unable to form the right words, and as his frown deepened, it pained me.

  “So, anyway, thank you for the gift. And I guess I’ll go see the store now…”

  When he tried to push by me, my hand gripped his wrist. “Wait. I can’t… Sorry, this just feels like a dream. A really fucking incredible dream. You’re standing in front of me when I was actually going to surprise you in the city.”

  His eyes widened. “You were?”

  “I didn’t think you’d be home for another couple of days, so I reserved my ticket for next weekend.”

  “You’re kidding.” He let out a nervous laugh. “I’m not sure I can even picture you in the city.”

  “Maybe not.” I stepped closer, my fingers sliding to his waist. “But you’re there, and I love you, so that’s all that matters.”

  He reeled back. “You…you do?”

  “Now who’s shell-shocked?” My stomach did somersaults, wondering if it was too much, too soon. But hadn’t I just promised myself that I would be honest and go all in? “Fuck, sorry. Not seeing you every day sent me into a tailspin. I know I was slow to come around to the idea of us being a real thing because I was scared, but I just needed you to know.”

  “Know what?”

  “If you…well… I know we live a world apart, but I hoped there was some way we could make this work.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “Were you wondering if I’d move
out here, work the farm with you or figure out something else to do?”

  My face fell. “Yeah, I know that’s asking a lot, but—”

  “Well, I would…if you asked me. Because I love you too.” He dipped his head. “Besides, I’m really not a city boy at heart.”

  “Fuck.” I momentarily shut my eyes, trying to get my pulse under control. When I glanced in Sienna’s direction, she gave me a thumbs-up, and that was when I decided to throw all caution to the wind. Screw it, if people didn’t understand. How fair was it that Sienna got to touch Brad all she liked in public?

  Gripping Julian’s waist, I pulled him against me. I felt his soft gasp as he wound his arms around my neck.

  “You sure this is a good idea, cowboy?” he said against my ear.

  “I think it’s the best idea, soldier boy,” I replied with a laugh. “The way it’s supposed to be done when you’re wildly in love with someone.”

  “Thank God,” he said, and I could feel his stubble brushing my throat. Fuck, I’d missed this closeness so much. “Because it doesn’t feel right not to touch you, and I don’t give a damn what people say.”

  I pressed my thumb against the pulse at his neck, which was throbbing as erratically as mine. “Guess that means you’re in the thick of it now.”

  “Fine by me, as long as we’re together.”

  When he offered me a watery smile, I couldn’t stop myself. I brushed our lips together in a hesitant kiss. Julian moaned quietly as he pressed his lips more firmly against mine.

  Holy hell, Julian was kissing me in front of all of Wyoming. At least it felt that way with all these people milling about around us. If there was anyone out there unsure about my sexuality, they would undoubtedly know now.

  Suddenly we heard soft clapping. I couldn’t tell who’d started it, but I had this strange feeling it was Sienna. Except not everyone was celebrating our display of affection. My father’s face was pinched like he’d sucked on a lemon, and Maggie looked baffled as Melinda whispered in her ear, no doubt filling her in on some details. But when my gaze landed on my mother, she was grinning so hard, it made my eyes sting.

  “That’s one way to break them all in,” Julian said, lining our foreheads together.

  When I felt a hard pat on my back, I immediately tensed. But it was only Hunter, who apparently was making a public show of support. Talk about being stunned. Suddenly we were encircled—insulated, really—by family, and when Julian’s mom hugged me, she whispered in my ear how happy she was for us.

  “Julian!” a familiar voice shouted, and then Ainsley was running up and throwing herself into Julian’s arms. “You came. No wonder my daddy is smiling.”

  “Well, he makes me smile too,” he replied, spinning her around. “How about you give me a tour of the place?”

  Once he set her down, she led him by the hand through the crowd, pointing out this and that as we followed behind. Sienna kissed my cheek, then got back to work behind the register, telling customers about all the work Julian had done. Pink dotted his cheeks, but I could tell how proud he was, grateful too.

  When Ainsley led Julian inside the pen, the animals swarmed him like he was long-lost family, and most of all Phoebe and Hamlet, who demanded his immediate attention by snorting and nudging at his feet. When Julian reached down to pick him up, he squealed so loud, it startled a couple of kids, but the grin on his face was everything.

  “Can I see Mercy too?” he asked, looking equally excited as wary, as if the horse had already forgotten about him or something.

  “Let’s go.”

  Yep, it only takes one.

  “Mom, I’m gonna head toward the stables,” he said as she stood around a circle of friends she’d known since childhood. It was like a homecoming for her too. “Do you want to—”

  “Maybe in a little while,” she replied, distracted, waving excitedly at Marta, who had been a big help with the setup. “You take some time with your horse.”

  “Your horse,” she’d said, and that made my heart sing. Maybe she knew it too, that Julian belonged here even if she’d never felt like she did. Okay, I was getting ahead of myself. Julian had just arrived in town, and there was so much to weed through. Just because he said he’d like to work something out didn’t mean the logistics of it wouldn’t scare him away. There was a lot to consider.

  We slipped away from the crowd, walking hand in hand toward the pasture while I filled him in on stuff that happened since he was gone—namely, the change in Hunter, which was actually a huge thing, but I was afraid to put too much stock in it. Though his show of support today was awesome.

  When we stepped up to the fence, it took the horses a minute to realize we were there. I saw the exact moment Mercy saw his person. He whinnied in Julian’s direction as he made his way toward us at a trot.

  Julian gripped the wooden slats in front of him. “Does that mean—”

  “That he’s happy to see you? Absolutely.”

  Julian’s eyes were misty as Mercy approached, and they had a reunion all their own. When Mercy nudged his hand, then stretched forward to rest his head on his shoulder, that all but sealed the deal. I dug sugar cubes out of my pocket so Julian could feed him some treats.

  When Mercy eventually wandered back to the others, we stayed put and watched. It didn’t seem like Julian was willing to leave anyway, and that was fine by me. I was still soaking in the idea of him being here again.

  I encircled his waist from behind and rested my chin on his shoulder. “Does this mean we get to keep you?”

  He leaned back and nuzzled my cheek. “Are you officially asking me to stay?”

  “I know we have details to figure out, but yes. Please stay?”

  Lord have mercy, I was sweating bullets, not fully grasping the impact his answer would have on me. Please fucking stay.

  He spun in my arms as I held my breath, my pulse spiking. “Thought you’d never ask, cowboy.”

  I felt my heart slowly unfurling, allowing the light to filter back inside after being gloomy for far too long.

  “Never realized I could ask,” I replied in a wobbly voice. “That it would ever be an option for me.”

  “Hey.” Julian kissed the tear I tried to swipe away as it rolled down my cheek. “You deserve to have everything you’ve dreamed of. And I’m here for as long as you’ll have me.”

  I pulled him into a tight embrace, unwilling to let go for long, drawn-out moments.

  Not yet. Not ever.

  “Let’s start with always.”

  Epilogue

  Julian

  Six Months Later

  I subtly flexed my wrist as Mercy rounded the bend at a trot, and he immediately slowed down.

  “You’re getting good at that,” Kerry said as Rocket followed Mercy’s lead, softly padding toward the stables after a ride around the pond. It was Saturday afternoon, and we’d taken advantage of the weekends more times than not to enjoy our moments alone.

  I beamed, soaking in the compliment. There had been a pretty snowfall the evening before, and making hoofprints in the fresh snow had become one of my favorite things. Even if it was freezing. But the hat Kerry had gifted me at Christmas was keeping my head warm. Besides, there was nothing like breathing in a lungful of fresh mountain air.

  While the fall had been crazy busy with the harvest—and the spring birthing season was right around the corner—the winter had been a nice reprieve, giving me time to settle in and appreciate the little things.

  The grand opening behind us, Kerry had joined me and Mom when we returned to the city. We spent a couple of days sightseeing, and he’d helped me pack the little I had. After a tearful but supportive goodbye from Mom, we got on the road, driving cross-country to Wyoming. It was awesome sharing that experience with Kerry, and it only brought us closer.

  Kerry had snapped amazing photos along the way—who knew what a budding amateur photographer he’d become—even capturing a throng of fireflies one evening for Sienna.

 
She was so touched, she’d had them blown up and framed for the store, which remained as popular as when it first opened. I even helped out a couple of days a week. In fact, I did a little bit of everything on the farm, wherever I was needed, which had been a steep learning curve but made me feel useful.

  Once I got more settled, I’d resumed sessions with Dr. Barnes and Mercy, learning how to saddle and ride him, while healing myself in the process. I still had episodes and nightmares, but they were more infrequent now.

  George, Marta, and Ainsley had thankfully welcomed me with open arms, but it had been Kerry’s family I was most concerned about. From our first Sunday dinners with them, Mrs. Carmichael seemed thrilled, even if it took a bit more prodding to get Mr. Carmichael to even address me properly as Kerry’s boyfriend. So telling how the respect for my service to the country vanished as soon as he found out I was as queer as his son.

  But I wouldn’t let it get either of us down. We were a united front now, and I could see it reflected in Kerry’s eyes how much he needed that—someone to have his back.

  Besides, they had new challenges with Hunter, who’d announced his decision to join the rodeo circuit again. Apparently, Kerry’s friend Zee had offered him a road-crew job on his team, and Hunter had accepted without any qualms. Dinners were tense after that, but then Brad had stepped up in a big way, accepting the ranch manager position, no doubt to impress his future in-law. But he also seemed to enjoy ranching as much as Travis.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, adjusting myself on the saddle.

  “You know how sexy you are on that horse,” he mused. “I’d take you right here if I could.”