by Trina M. Lee
Because I was at a loss for words and I refused to cry again in front of Arrow, I pulled Rowen in for one last, lingering kiss. A sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, and I took a deep breath before saying, “I guess we’ll see.”
Without a glance back I headed for my car, started the angry old engine and drove away before I could dissolve into a puddle of despair that would need to be scraped from the snowy ground.
I cranked the heater up so high it was drying out my eyes. Good. No chance of crying myself off the road.
To myself, I repeated, “I guess we’ll see.”
* * * *
The crash of metal on metal rang in my ears. It did nothing to slow me down. Again and again I swung. Each time Cinder met my blade with his.
What had started off as a training session like any other had quickly escalated into a therapy session. I’d spent enough time talking about my feelings, at his insistence, and now I needed to purge them with violent sword thrusts.
Cinder, being a skilled warrior, met each swing of my sword with ease. It only served to heighten my frustration. I wanted to hurt something.
I’d begged Cinder for another recovery mission, and he’d promptly shut me down, claiming that I needed time to deal with my break up. Rushing into something with such unsettled emotion would only get me killed. He was probably right, but I fought to accept his wisdom with so much pain roiling about inside me.
“Watch your stance,” Cinder scolded. “Check your elbow.”
I made an irritated noise and swung again. The more those horrible feelings swelled inside me, the more violent my attacks became. And also the more careless.
My next attack was terrible. I faltered. Cinder hit my wrist with the hilt of his sword. Pain shot up my arm, and the Midnight Star hit the floor of the rented gym space with a clatter.
“Ember, what the heck was that? You’re not thinking. In a real battle I’d have killed you several times over.” Brow furrowed so the scar through his eyebrow became more pronounced, he dropped his sword and sat on the wooden bench off to the side. Patting the spot next to him, he regarded me with patience.
I crumbled. The composure I’d fought so hard to keep together unraveled like a thread on a cheap sweater. Sure I’d cried but just enough to take the edge off. I had yet to really come apart. Staring into Cinder’s sympathetic violet eyes, I lost it.
“I’m not thinking clearly. Since everything happened with Rowen, I can barely focus. I’m just trying to survive from one second to the next. And I keep waiting for the pain to go away, but with each day it just gets worse. Time does not heal all wounds. Why do people say such bullshit? It’s a lie.” With each word the tears flowed harder, and the sobs upset my voice until my breath hitched and my chest heaved, a full on ugly cry. Hadn’t had one of those in a while.
Feeling pitiful I flung myself onto the bench beside him and let him hold me while I cried into his ridiculously fashion-savvy shirt. As my tears soaked the thick bamboo fabric, Cinder stroked a hand through my disheveled ponytail and let me cry it out.
Only after several long minutes of sobbing had ceased did he speak. “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he began, his tone calm and gentle. “You know I don’t agree with Rowen’s decision to align himself with the dark, but I do understand why he felt that choice to be best. My advice to you is to grieve however you must, but you also have to recognize that he made this sacrifice for you. That, my dear, Ember, is genuine love.”
Leave it to Cinder to crush the part of me that wanted to resent Rowen and punish him for his choice. When the angel spoke everything made sense. I both loved and hated that.
“Sacrifice?” I questioned, turning the word over, unable to decide if it was a blessing or a curse. “Is that how you see it? To me it feels like a betrayal.”
“Yes, I can see how it would. Rowen is an evolved soul. He’s got a deep connection to the things not of this world. It’s given him a sacrificial heart. This is a good thing.” Cinder wiped my tears away with a tender thumb and an encouraging smile.
That was why Rowen had wings. Because he connected so deeply to every facet of our struggle. Evolved. I used to envy him that connection. Rowen had given himself to Dash. For me and for Arrow. He shouldn’t have done it for either of us. Rowen was just too good for Dash and all the evil that he stood for.
“But he turned his back on the light,” I said, struggling to wrap my mind around something that still felt surreal. “He’s gone dark, Cinder. I just can’t believe that’s his calling. This has to be a mistake.”
“I would never have encouraged him to do such a thing. However, don’t underestimate the light’s ability to bring out the best of a bad situation. Another chance will always be available to Rowen should he accept it. Have faith.” Cinder nodded to the swords on the floor. “We should probably call it quits for the day.”
The nephilim were held to the same standards as humans. Mistakes were made and forgiven. It was in our nature to be seduced by the dark. We could only be strong for so long before succumbing to one temptation or another. I just wished it hadn’t been Rowen and that it hadn’t been now, with Dash.
“Agreed. I shouldn’t be handling sharp objects right now,” I said with a rueful smile. The damn thing wouldn’t stick though. It faded as fast as it had appeared. “Cinder, I can’t help but feel like I have to do something. If I do nothing, then Dash wins and Rowen loses everything. What am I supposed to do?”
Cinder took my face in his hands and studied me with that soul-searching gaze of his. “You let him go, Ember. Both you and Rowen are just getting started on this journey. You won’t always travel it together, though I’m sure your story is far from over. Losing a battle does not mean you’ve lost the war. Be patient. And be ready.”
Angels can’t see the future. Not really. They don’t lie though. If Cinder believed there was more to come for Rowen and me, then I’d be a fool to doubt him.
“I know you’re just trying to make me feel better, but I’m going to try to believe you. Because I want to, and if I keep going in this funk I’ve been in, I’ll never achieve anything again. All I do is work and watch Netflix.” And survive on coffee and takeout whenever Cinder wasn’t around to put something healthy in front of me. But I wasn’t telling him that.
I gathered the Midnight Star and slid it back into the sheath. Hooking Cinder’s sword with a foot, I tossed it into the air. He caught it easily.
“Well, we can’t have you falling victim to the temptation that is Netflix,” Cinder chuckled. He twirled the sword in one hand before it disappeared. “I’ll send you on another recovery run soon. I think it’s great hands-on training you can’t get in a place like this.”
“I’m ready. Just say the word.”
“Not yet. Ember, I want you to take some time over the next week or so to throw yourself into your music. Connect with your band, write some new music, then get on that stage and play your heart out.” Cinder held the door open for me as we stepped out into the parking lot. “Then we’ll discuss your next recovery job.”
That was fair. Hiding out at home watching Netflix meant dodging a lot of calls and demands from Jett.
“Music therapy, huh?” The door of the Chevy opened with a squeal.
“Your passions are part of you for a reason.” Cinder held his arms out, and I stepped into one of the best hugs ever. “Promise me you’ll eat something nutritious when you get home. It will give you energy and boost your mood.”
Well, damn. I guess he knew about the takeout after all. Couldn’t slip much past the attentive angel.
“Promise.”
Cinder seemed reluctant to leave me. After giving him what I hoped was a reassuring smile and promising again to eat a healthy meal, he seemed to relax.
“I’ll be by soon,” he said, waiting for me to start the engine. When it turned over without issue, he glanced around to make sure nobody watched. “You’re going to make a fine warrior one day, Ember.”
Then he was gone.
Warrior. It wasn’t a term I’d have ever applied to myself. I wanted it though. To be a warrior. Now I had to fight twice as hard, for me and for Rowen. I could continue with the pity party, or I could fight for us.
My gaze dropped to the ring I still wore, the one I wanted to take off but just couldn’t. Not yet.
I would fight for us. And I’d keep fighting, even when it seemed there was nothing left to fight for.
EPILOGUE
The Spirit Room used to be a place where I could go to feel normal. It was where I could enjoy loud music and laugh with my friends, pretending that my life wasn’t all kinds of messed up. It wasn’t about angels and demons there. It was just about the music and the dream I shared with the girls.
Things change. Too fast sometimes.
My gaze slid from Koda in the corner to Arrow and Rowen crowded around their favorite table near the bar with their band. Yep. Change had a way of coming at you like a bat out of hell and leaving you shaken and bitch slapped.
It had only been two weeks since Rowen and I had broken up, but it felt like forever. There was no way to avoid seeing each other, not that I wanted to. Thanks to Dash’s incognito watchdogs, we couldn’t be alone together though, which was probably for the best. It would just hurt too much.
Feeling my gaze upon him, Rowen glanced up. Our eyes met and my insides tightened. Life was so fucking unfair sometimes.
Despite how much it hurt to look into his eyes of fire, I found comfort in the longing within them. Knowing that he suffered too made my burden a little easier to bear, though just barely.
Absently I spun the ring on my finger. Rowen had refused to take it back when I’d offered it to him, claiming that nothing had changed. His promise still stood.
Dash couldn’t keep us apart forever. If he expected me to accept this and do nothing, he was kidding himself. I would find a way to get to the demon.
In the meantime I was waiting on Cinder to give me another recovery mission. He saw it as a way to improve my skills, but I saw it as an opportunity to find the right item, something I could use against Dash. To get him to release Rowen from his agreement.
Long shot? Probably. Morally acceptable? I liked to think of it as somewhat of a grey area. But it was the only way I might have a hope in hell of gaining the advantage over that demon. I just couldn’t leave Rowen trapped in the deal he’d made. He belonged with the light. He belonged with me.
I tore my gaze from Rowen’s. I’d started the night feeling good. Strong. Those eyes would cripple me. I had a show to play and a demon to threaten. Speaking of which…
Koda still stood in the corner where he could watch the entire building. He was alone.
The band on stage started wrapping up their set. We played next. I just had something to take care of before I’d be ready to beat the hell out of my guitar on stage. The girls were upstairs drinking and shooting the shit. I’d come down early just for this.
Koda stood up straighter when he saw me headed for him. He pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms over his chest. Dressed casual, his black hair smoothed into a trendy mess of gel, Koda seemed to blend in a little more each time I saw him here.
He blatantly looked me over from head to toe as I approached. The fishnet stockings under the puffy black tutu I wore seemed to especially catch his interest. I didn’t acknowledge his unwelcome appraisal.
“Spike,” he greeted me with suspicion. “You look good enough to eat. I don’t suppose now that you’re single you’d be interested in such a thing.”
I couldn’t stop the disgust that crept across my face, so I let Koda see the revulsion that filled me at the thought of him touching me. “Not if you were the last penis-toting creature on earth.”
“So, if this isn’t pleasure, it must be business. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. So what do you want?” Koda didn’t put in the effort to play the game that he used to. I didn’t miss it, but it did make him less predictable.
“I think you’re the one responsible for Arrow’s last meltdown,” I said, wasting no time getting to the point. “You had him try to kill Rowen. I don’t know why, and I don’t expect you to tell me, but I want you to know that if you mess with Rowen in any way or any harm comes to him because of you, I will devote what’s left of my life to making you sorry.”
Koda smirked and cocked his head to one side. “Heartbreak has hardened you. Consider it noted.”
“Hardened me?” I scoffed. “It’s done a lot more than that. And if you fuck with Rowen, you’ll find out all about it.”
“You’re cute.” His smile faded as someone approaching from behind me caught his attention. “Looks like the other brother wants to take a turn.”
I turned to find Arrow weaving his way through the crowd toward us. With a beer in hand, he paused to scribble his name on a drunken groupie’s cleavage. I dreaded to think how the growing popularity of Molly’s Chamber would affect his ego. It was a reminder that I needed to keep Jett’s ego in check as well. The spotlight could go to anyone’s head, but I’d bet money that they’d be the first to show the signs.
“You’re absolutely disgusting.” Having said all I needed to say to Koda, I turned on a heeled boot and stalked away, painfully aware of his scarlet gaze on my ass.
Arrow pulled himself away from his adoring fans to intercept me. He motioned to Koda with his beer. “Problem?”
“Always. It’s no big deal though. What’s up?” I didn’t want or need Arrow or anyone else fighting my battle with Koda. That was a battle that would run its course in its own time.
“I had to get away from that.” Arrow pointed at his table where Jett straddled Sam’s lap as he took a shot glass from between her pushed up breasts with his mouth. “I wish they’d just fuck already and get it over with. The flirting is nauseating.”
I smiled. Jett needed to stop pretending she wasn’t into Sam. “I think they’re cute. I’m jealous.”
Arrow made a noise between a gag and a laugh. He tipped the bottle to his lips and drained half the contents before letting out a revolting belch. “Actually, I was going to ask you when you’re doing another recovery job for Cinder.”
“Why?” I couldn’t help but be a little suspicious.
“Well, I need something to do with my spare time now that I’ve been cast out of Dash’s coven. I’m flying solo now. Thought I’d tag along with you. Could be a fun way to kill some time.” Reaching into the pocket of his leather jacket, Arrow produced a joint, which he tucked behind an ear.
I studied him, brow furrowed in confusion. Was he just screwing with me? “Seriously? You want to come on a recovery job? You know this sounds suspicious, right?”
Arrow feigned offense. “Me? Suspicious? Come on, angel girl. I just need a way to let off a little steam. Humor me. Give me a purpose.”
I suspected there was something he wasn’t saying. Possibly something he couldn’t say here.
“As much as I hate to admit it, you can be useful.” I conceded with a nod. A glance at the stage hit me with a sense of urgency. Rubi was setting up her drum kit. “I have to go. We’ll talk about this later.”
Before I could rush off, Arrow grabbed my arm and pulled me in so he could speak without being overheard. “Rowen misses you like crazy, Spike. He’s driving us all nuts with the nonstop moping. Just thought you should know.”
Something about Arrow’s kind words brought me to that place where sorrow met strength. Yet for a moment my strength faltered. I had to bite my lip and take a deep breath. My girls had been my shoulders to cry on during the last two weeks. But I’d done my best not to cry because I refused to believe it was over.
“Thanks, Arrow.” Blinking fast to keep from ruining my mascara, I hurried away, needing desperately to be on that stage where I could purge the swell of sorrow.
Being around Rowen remained hard. I’d done my best to avoid him those first few awful days, but we shared the same world. Both playing music and bein
g nephilim, we were inextricably tied together. Our paths would always cross. And I was ok with that. Because I missed him like crazy too.
Fifteen minutes later we were ready to play. Once Jett peeled herself off Sam’s lap and joined us, the musical therapy I needed commenced. At first I was painfully aware of those who watched: Koda. Rowen. Arrow. Then the drums thundered through the building, transporting me to a place where I could let it all out and leave it on the stage.
Each song we played pulled me deeper under the spell that would set me free. My fingers flew over the strings. Long black locks fell into my face, and I tossed my head, flinging my hair around wildly. Nothing felt as good as being lost in the music did. Well… almost nothing.
The promise of the upcoming summer tour thrilled me. Being up here in this rock bar filled with people cheering for us was just the beginning for Crimson Sin. On that tour we would get the chance to play in front of thousands. A spark of excitement filled my belly, spreading through my limbs.
Jett worked the crowd, driving them into a frenzy. Tash and I leaned on one another, back to back, going hard on our instruments. Rubi beat the skins like a mad woman.
Then I jumped up onto the platform at the front of the stage and caught a glimpse of the blue hawk down below. I went down on my knees as an intricate solo exploded from my fingers. The gorgeous black Gibson screamed, cried, and wailed. The crowd gathered in front of the stage cheered, holding up hands and drinks.
A smile tugged at my lips.
Everything made sense when the music flowed. Suddenly the worries and hurts I’d been carrying lightened, and I could breathe again.
It brought a much needed moment of clarity. I would become the warrior Cinder wanted me to be. I would find what I needed to free Rowen from the deal he’d made. And I’d do it all while letting my passion for music guide me.
