Release

by Lucia Franco

  "How can I when all I think about is you? You live in my mind every miserable second of my life. I cannot escape you, no matter how hard I try." I heard him swallow. "When I saw you on the mat, the way your face paled and you nearly collapsed to your knees, it fucking broke me, Ria. You do not know what it did to me. I did not know the definition of pure, raw torture until I saw your face. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I did not know what it felt like to hurt someone I care about until that moment. I would give everything to go back and erase what I did, to not see that look on your face again."

  He had no idea what he meant to me. My heart raced so fast that I knew he could feel it.

  "You’re married now. Don’t you care that you broke your vows?"

  "For the first time in my pathetic life, my hands were tied." Kova’s voice was a notch lower and filled with sorrow. "I could not go against her because it would not just destroy me, but it would ruin you too. I never wanted it, but I had no choice in the matter."

  "You always have a choice." My voice splintered between trying to stay strong and fucking breaking inside. We were two halves of a whole that no longer fit. Our pieces had been torn apart, altered and destroyed, with no chance of ever being whole again. "Last night you had more than just sex with me. How could you do that when you’re married?"

  "Adrianna… There is a lot you do not know."

  "I know we’re done, Kova. This is it. We’re through."

  "That is where you are wrong. This is not over. We are not done."

  My mouth fell open. "Did you actually think I would continue with you once I knew you were married? What kind of despicable person are you?" Cheating on a girlfriend, though shallow, was one thing, but cheating on a spouse was an entirely different situation.

  "Those vows mean nothing to me."

  My eyes widened. "You are seriously insane. Did you even wait long to break your vows?" He answered with a cavalier shrug.

  This man had no heart and lacked even the simplest emotion. I was sure of it.

  Kova squeezed his eyes shut and averted his gaze. I’d hit a sore spot. When he didn't respond, I kept going.

  "Do you even love her?"

  I wanted him to say yes. At least that way it would ease the pain and make a little sense. Instead, he shrugged again, as if I had asked him how he liked his mediocre house salad. "Katja and I have a history. It was always coming, you know."

  I gawked. My lips parted on a heartbroken sigh. It was always coming.

  "So, you sleep with me, knowing all along what your endgame was? Are you that narcissistic?"

  Kova's gaze hardened. "I am not a narcissist. I am a man conflicted between wanting to do what I want, and needing to do what is expected of me. There is a difference. A big fucking difference and I hate it. One of us was going to lose and I had to make a choice I did not want to make."

  "That’s your reason for being a dick? You can’t just own up to the fact that you took the easy way out?"

  Kova tensed, his body trembling with defiance. Sitting back on his knees, he raised his voice. "What do you propose I do? Get a divorce and confess my love for you in front of everyone and act like it is no big deal, when it will in fact ruin everything? Use your brain, Adrianna. That could never happen. Never."

  Seething over how heartless he could be, I sat up and shoved against his chest. Kova fell back and I stared down at his slumped body.

  "I'm not asking you to declare anything. I'm asking you to be a decent human being. It's really not that difficult."

  Kova flattened his lips. I got the impression that he was trying avoid saying something he would regret. "It is more difficult than you could ever know. I made a promise many years ago to Katja, and I always fulfill my promises. I made you no promise. Not in this relationship, and not in gymnastics."

  My heart plummeted, and a cold shower of clarity washed over me. I'd been so utterly stupid. I didn’t know what was worse, the fact that I’d allowed myself to fall so deep, or that he’d allowed it knowing his intentions.

  "You’re right. You never made any kind of promise to me. You used me instead. You flat out used me for your own benefit."

  Kova vehemently shook his head. "Take those words back," he demanded.

  "No," I said, hanging on to what little strength I had left. "You created this lie. We were never a team. You exhaled false promises and I inhaled your bullshit. You ran the show and I danced to your tune, trapped in this elite bubble of lies you created. I was never your weakness. That's the truth and you know it. You just don't want to hear it."

  Sitting up, Kova reached out and grabbed my jaw. His glossy eyes glared at me, and I could see him struggling between losing it completely and trying to retain his sanity. "I never used you. Ever." His voice was a broken whisper. "If there is one thing you believe, believe that, Adrianna." Kova's breathing deepened, and for a split second, I wanted to believe him.

  "Go ahead. Tell me another lie."

  Kova expelled a heavy sigh and glanced at the ceiling.

  My jaw trembled and I took a deep breath. Oh, God. I wished he didn't have the power to make me cry. I didn't want him to see how much I needed him, because I didn't want to show Konstantin Kournakova that I actually loved him. I couldn’t begin to even fathom what he'd do to me if he knew the truth.

  Kova smoothed the hair back from my face with a gentleness I wasn't expecting. His hands shook and I tried not to read into it. He was too close, and it was suffocating me.

  "I never meant to hurt you."

  His words caused a deep ache in my chest and my eyes narrowed to slits. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. If he never meant to, then he wouldn't have hurt me. His words meant nothing.

  "Please leave. Go home to your wife. You know, Katja? The woman who’s wearing the diamond you put on her finger?"

  Kova's jaw flexed and he tilted his face toward mine. He tried to graze his nose against mine, but I swiftly turned my head away.

  "I do not ever want to hear those two words in the same sentence ever again." His nose drifted along my jaw down to my neck. "Especially from your beautiful lips. In another time, another world, that ring would be on your finger and you would not be fighting me. I would be making love to you all day, every day. I would not be with her."

  My breath lodged in my throat. He knew no bounds. He said her with such malevolence and loathing that I almost questioned him. But I couldn’t. I didn't want to engage.

  "How much did you drink tonight?" Not that alcohol was an excuse, but I couldn’t imagine that even for one second he actually meant what he said for once. I knew better now, and I refused to allow his words to affect me ever again.

  "Not enough," he chuckled, and damn it all, it sent a shiver through my body. I wouldn’t be deterred, though. I ground my teeth and put up a wall so big he’d never be able to scale it.

  "It’s been a long day. I need you to go. I want to be alone now."

  Quietly, and very much to my surprise, he agreed with the slightest dip of his chin. I let out a silent sigh of relief and watched as he stood up and patted his pockets for his keys.

  Kova glanced down and the look of devastation on his face broke my heart further into pieces. His eyes…his eyes always got to me. But I wouldn't be swayed. Not this time.

  Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I said, "I'll see you early Monday for practice."

  He didn't say anything. He just stood there, his eyes asking for so many things. Silently pleading for me to forgive him, for me to ask him to stay. And that wrecked me because he was reaching for me without doing anything, but that was us. We could feel without touch, could listen without words. All we needed was that one look, that intake of breath, and that was it. Kova didn't need to do anything but just be there.

  "You have a blading session afterwards," he said, his voice resigned.

  "I know."

  I wish he hadn't shown that he was looking out for me. I wanted him to not care. I needed him to leave me alone. I need
ed to let go emotionally and detach myself, and I wondered how I was going to do that. Even though my body was an empty shell, my heart still beat for him. Beat for his seductive lies. Beat for who he was deep inside. Kova wasn’t a bad man. He just made awful choices.

  After another moment, Kova turned and gave me his back, his shoulders slumped. I counted each step he took toward my door as he walked away. It took everything in me not to yell out and stop him. My fingers itched to reach out and my chest continued to cave from the loss.

  Six. Six heart-wrenching steps was all it took for him to reach the door and pull it open. But it was the next step that did me in.

  Seven was supposed to be a lucky number, but it represented our demise. On the seventh step, he gave me what I wanted and walked out. Seven steps, and he was taking my heart with him, the only thing that had any feeling left in me.

  Kova had consumed my mind, heart, and soul. I couldn’t let him consume my life any longer. Falling in love with my gymnastics coach was the most excruciating form of self-destruction. From here on out, I would only love him in the dark.

  * * *

  I walked into World Cup on Monday a different person.

  Same goal. One destiny. And one less priority.

  My soul was quiet. No obstruction, no disturbance, no complication. My emotions were stagnant, like I'd shut a door and they were no longer in my way. I didn't feel hollow anymore. I was at peace, but I wasn't. It was like I didn’t exist. I was neither here nor there. I was indifferent.

  I stuffed my bag into my locker and threw my hair into a messy bun, tucking the flyaways behind my ears. The last time I had stood here was when Reagan helped me after the shock of Kova's marriage. That felt like ages ago.

  My mind still reeled over why she had been so nice to me, and had been there for me with sympathetic eyes I couldn't refuse. I hadn't spoken to her since then. My gut told me she wouldn’t tell anyone, and if she did, well… I just didn't care. I'd deny it anyway, and frankly, between her pill addiction and Hayden supplying them to her, I now had something to hold over her head.

  Taking a deep breath, I slammed the metal locker door shut. Today would be interesting. I was prepared for the off chance that Kova cornered me. No. He wouldn’t do that. That was too personal. He would be just Coach from now on. I planned to tell Coach that unless it was gymnastics related, he wasn’t allowed to talk to me.

  A headache began to form near my temple and I pressed on the painful area with my hand. I felt warm, like I had a fever. Quickly, I reopened my locker and dug out some Motrin. After downing them like they were candy, I made my way into the gym on unsteady legs. The last thing I needed was to get sick.

  Naturally, Coach and Madeline were already there, along with the rest of the team. His eyes met mine. There was no sorrow in his gaze or any impression that he had something on his mind. My heart fluttered when my eyes drifted to his left hand and caught sight of the flashing platinum band. That ring was going to be the death of me. My stomach roiled like crashing waves as the feelings I’d kept at bay tried to emerge.

  "Ladies, you have a meet this weekend." Coach clapped his hands, regaining my attention. "A very important one. Let us start off with stretching and then running two miles. I want you to hop straight into warm-ups. We will work floor and beam for the first part, and bars and vault the second half of the day."

  He and Madeline stayed off to the side where they chatted and jotted stuff down in her notebook while we stretched for thirty minutes. Once warm-ups were finished, the team walked back into the locker room and the coaches went their separate ways. We pulled on shorts and slipped on running shoes, took a few sips of water, then made sure our hair was tight in ponytails. As I shoved my duffle bag into my locker, I felt the sharp corner of something lodged inside. Leaning in, I slid my bag aside and saw a familiar silver spiral.

  Rage instantly boiled inside of my veins at the sight of our notebook. My locker was a disaster and needed to be cleaned so I hadn't noticed it in there the first time, but now that I had, I wanted to shred it with my teeth. How dare he put this in here. If he thought I was going to write my feelings in this dumb book after what he’d done, he had another thing coming.

  I slammed the door shut and turned around to lean against it. Folding my arms across my chest, I dug my nails into my skin. I was furious. He thought he could write down a few heartfelt apologies and all would be forgiven. He was delusional if he thought I would accept a few fake diary entries. We were through. There would be no more Kova and Ria. That ship had fucking sailed the Atlantic and sank next to the rotting Titanic when he decided to get married behind my back.

  Holly and Sarah were giggling and talking when Reagan sidled up next to me. I watched the way Hayden's twin walked out of the room, wondering what she’d done that caused the no dating rule to go into effect. Hayden wouldn't tell me, and neither would Kova, but I was going to make it my mission to find out.

  "I'll meet you outside. Is that cool?"

  Reagan studied me for a moment, then nodded her head before walking out of the locker room.

  Once I was sure they had left the building, I reopened my locker and yanked the book out, then marched my way to Kova’s office. When I got closer, I heard him speaking in Russian.

  He was on the phone with his wife.

  Without knocking, I threw open his office door. Kova sat behind his desk with the phone pressed to his ear. He didn't have time to react. With as much force as I could gather, I chucked the notebook at him, aiming for his fucking head. I was terrible at throwing a ball, so I didn't expect it to hit him. I closed the door quickly, hearing him curse a few times, then I jogged outside.

  "Why is there a no dating rule?" I blurted to Reagan when I caught up to her, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear. She glanced at me, then looked straight ahead, her brows bunched together as we walked side by side until we reached the track. "What did Holly do, and why is it such a secret? Do you know?"

  "I don't know," she said.

  "Don't bullshit me, Reagan. I have a feeling you know since you've been spending extra time with Hayden." She didn't miss my double meaning as she tripped over her footing and shot me a crazed, aggravated look.

  A small smirk tipped my lips, but it wasn't malicious. I wanted her to know that I knew about her little secret, but not that I would do anything with it. I'd never throw someone under the bus like that, but it was nice to have it in my pocket.

  Before she could speak, I said, "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. I think we both know by now I'm like a vault anyway."

  Reagan chewed her bottom lip and glanced away. She stayed quiet until we reached the track. Our feet picked up simultaneously and we jogged next to each other.

  "Why do you care?" she asked.

  "I'm curious."

  We’d completed one lap when Reagan finally said, "I don't know. I've asked both Hayden and Holly and they're very tight-lipped about it. They refuse to tell me anything. Eventually I gave up because I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m just nosy."

  We completed another two laps. My head spun and the overthinking exhausted me. "What could it possibly be?"

  "I don't know. It could be anything, really. You know how Kova gets. He can be a Nazi and his word is law, so who knows. It could be something big or something small. I mean, if you mess with his OCD schedule, and waste his time, he gets pissy. So who can tell with that guy. He's so hormonal, I swear."

  This time I laughed. "Yeah, he totally is."

  "I do remember Holly crying a lot and then missing practice for a few weeks. It was…" I glanced at her as she looked up toward the sky and squinted. "I would say no less than a year before you came to World Cup, but definitely over six months."

  "She missed practice for a few weeks?" I was truly shocked she was allowed to miss so much time and still train afterward.

  "It was also around the time another coach was fired unexpectedly. I was happy he was kicked to the curb. I couldn't stand him."<
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  "Why?" I asked.

  "Why what?"

  "Why couldn't you stand him?"

  "He made my fucking skin crawl. He had that look, you know, the rapey kind of look you can spot a mile away. The one your gut says stay the fuck away from. His smile was creepy and he always stared too long, like he was thinking nasty thoughts. I was glad Kova fired his ass. I almost quit because of him."

  A memory flashed through my head as I stared ahead, trying to remember if I’d heard about that situation. I recalled Kova mentioning that he’d fired someone, but I couldn't place when or where he told me.

  "Was he a mean coach?" I breathed heavily as a low, dull pain started in my lower back, but I brushed it off. I knew if I stopped even for five seconds that I’d be in trouble.

  "Dude, he used to spit when he spoke. Every. Time. It was so gross. He was a nasty coach and so verbally abusive. He made Holly cry all the time. Kova and Madeline might ride us to the ground, they might push us to the brink until our bodies are ready to collapse, but they aren’t like him. Not even close. Kova got into it quite a few times with him because Kova didn't agree with his method of training. He was the kind of coach you hear about in the news."

  We had two more laps to go. I was so parched. Thighs tight, my lower back ached each time my feet hit the asphalt. I needed water soon.

  "So are you really going to ignore the massive elephant in the room?" Reagan said.

  I groaned inwardly. Fuck. My. Life. I knew this was coming.

  "I mean, you couldn't have expected me not to question you. I told you I'm nosy."

  "And what do you do with the dirt you have on people?"

  She tapped her temple, her head twitched to the side. "I keep it in the vault."

  "Until you need to use it," I shot back.

  "You either ride or die, Adrianna."

  Reagan was cunning. I couldn't fault her for that, but I still thought carefully before I spoke. A sharpness cut through my chest and I took a deep breath to expel the pain, hiding it as much as I could from her.