Release

by Lucia Franco

  Dad gestured toward a small menu. "Do you want dessert?"

  I shook my head. "Does she hate me?"

  His eyes softened. "No, sweetheart, she could never hate you."

  "Then why does she always act like it? Ever since I found out that I'm your dirty little secret—"

  Dad's eyes popped and he pointed his finger toward me. "First of all, you're not my dirty little secret and don't you ever say that again."

  Tomato, tomahto. "Then why hasn't she made any attempt to contact me or be part of my life?"

  "How is that any different than before?" he said.

  I snapped my mouth shut, sinking a little inside. I thought about his argument, and he was right. Dad was absolutely right on the mark. She had done so little to be part of my life, and only when it was convenient for her. She never went out of her way for me, and everything she did had a motive. The more I thought about it, the more it sickened me. Nothing had changed, and I was sure it never would now. I swallowed hard, the reality of the situation breaking my heart.

  "I apologize," he said, regret filled his voice. "I shouldn't have said that."

  "It's fine," I replied, shaking it off and cleared my face of any emotion. "You're right. There's no difference. I guess it's just wishful thinking is all."

  I was sure there wasn't anything worse than being rejected by a parent for something you had no control over. It wasn't my fault I was born, or that I was the result of an affair. Joy—what a name for someone who was so miserable with her lavish life—took her hurt and anger out on the wrong person, and it was unjust. I needed to remember that, but pretending like the truth didn't faze me was a tough pill to swallow when it was killing me on the inside.

  I had to wonder if I ever had a mother who cared. Joy certainly didn't. She made it blatantly obvious she was in the marriage for herself, and my biological mother had been paid off.

  I was human. With emotions. Destroyed by the deceptions of my family. And Dad wanted me to forget it as if it were old news.

  "Sometimes I forget you're not an adult."

  "Dad, I'm not a baby anymore, but you're right," I said with an empty smile. "My only concern right now is gymnastics and nothing more."

  If only it were so easy to believe the lies I told myself daily.

  * * *

  I hadn't cried in days, but this morning I woke with a sorrowful emptiness in my chest that nagged at me. I'd hardly slept despite the crippling exhaustion. My eyes were swollen, and I used the best, most expensive under-eye serum to reduce the puffiness and hide any strain that I could find.

  That was how I got through each day, pretending I didn't have a care in the world. I was a goddamned robot all the while dying inside.

  Recklessly bound together by sports tape, eye cream, and lame all-natural anti-inflammatory medicine Kova had given me, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I could feel it. It was as if the impending doom was curling inside of me. I really didn’t know how I got through each day, but today, I was deep in my feelings and hating it.

  I'd been parked and sitting in front of World Cup for an hour in the rain now when I saw Holly and Hayden get out of their car. The plan was to come in early and train, but the moment I’d parked I was rendered motionless. Something about the weather and my emotions were working double time. All I could do was sit and stare. But now I was out of time and had to go in or Kova and Madeline were going to have my head. Especially since we’d revised my training schedule.

  I watched Holly run inside, and then I popped my earbuds in and pulled my hood from my sweater over my head before opening my car door. I wanted to avoid talking to Hayden. With the way I was feeling, my new goal was to evade every other obstacle in my life that involved crushing a little more of my soul. It wasn't his fault, but having sex with Hayden had been a mistake I wished I could take back. I'd never tell him that, of course, but it was something that I should've never let happen.

  Walking toward the front door of the gym, I was home free when a hand came down on my shoulder and stopped me. I spun around.

  "Hey," Hayden said softly, his brows drawn together.

  I pulled one ear bud out. "Hi."

  "You didn't hear me calling your name?"

  "I was listening to music," I lied. My phone started vibrating in my hand. I glanced down and my stomach dropped. It was the doctor's office calling me. They must've gotten the results of my blood test back.

  "Do you need to get that?" Hayden asked, using his chin to point toward my cell phone.

  I pressed the ignore button and sent them straight to voicemail. I didn't have time to go over the results now with practice about to start.

  "No, it's fine. I can call them back during lunch."

  "Congrats on making the national team. I'm not surprised though. I had a feeling you'd make it."

  "Thanks," I replied. Not even the reminder of making the team could get me out of my dark mood.

  "I've been trying to reach you for a while now," he said.

  My gaze averted to the ground then back up. He had called a few times but I’d hit the fuck you button every time. "I know," I said quietly. "I'm sorry. I've just been really busy."

  Hayden tilted his head to the side and gave me a knowing look. "I can see past your bullshit, you know, but it's cool, I get it." He shifted on his feet and offered me a small smile. He wasn't the type of guy to ever make someone feel bad. "Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Something I wanted to tell you that I haven't told anyone yet. I wanted you to be the first."

  "You haven't told anyone? Not even your sister?"

  "Of course I told her. I just meant no one else, not even Reagan," he added. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he gave me an impish smile, and that alleviated the pressure on my shoulders. Being the good guy that he was, Hayden pulled me into a hug and I melted into him. A few moments of silence passed. I found the reprieve that I needed, and one that our friendship needed as well.

  "I'm sorry I was a dickhead and ignored your calls," I said, my face smashed against his chest.

  Hayden tightened his arms around me. "Don't worry about it. We all have our moments. Think we could meet up later?"

  I pulled back. "Is everything okay? I have a few moments now if you want to talk."

  "It's all good. Very positive actually. I just want your opinion about something."

  "Sure. Want to grab dinner later? I probably won't get out until seven-ish."

  Hayden nodded. "I'll pick you up around eight."

  I smiled. "Perfect."

  I wracked my brain trying to figure out what Hayden wanted to talk to me about. Maybe he’d decided to quit dealing to our teammates. But did his sister even know about that side of him? I only had about an hour to really put any kind of effort into it since I’d been focused on practice, but while I got ready for dinner, I came up with nothing. Absolutely nothing, and it drove me crazy.

  Taking the elevator down to the lobby, I stepped outside and spotted Hayden's car.

  "Okay. Spill," I said the moment I sat in the passenger's seat, throwing a huge grin at him.

  Hayden shifted into gear, and chuckled. "Calm down. I'll tell you soon enough."

  I turned toward him. "Really? You're going to make me wait? Fine. But can you at least give me a hint?"

  He gave me a fleeting look before turning his attention back to the road. "You look nice."

  "You do too," I replied quickly. We were both dressed casually, my favorite style. My hair was damp and my face makeup free.

  "Where do you want to eat?"

  "Anywhere." Another quick response.

  "Something fattening?"

  I hesitated for a split second and it produced another chuckle from Hayden. "Sure."

  "Wow. You'll agree to anything right now if I give you a hint, won't you?"

  "Pretty much." I laughed. "You're killing me! Give me something." A giant, contagious smile spread across his face. "See!" I said, pointing at him. "You want to tell me."

/>   "Fine," Hayden said, pulling onto the main road. "It involves my gymnastics career."

  "And…"

  "Is pizza okay? I'm starving and don't want to wait long."

  I grimaced, my mood changing instantly. My mouth watered at the thought of eating a supreme slice of pizza. One day, I told myself. One day I'd order a whole pie just for me and scarf it down with a two-liter bottle of Coke. But not today.

  "Remember what happened last time I had pizza? The horrible stomachache I had? I don't want to chance it. I'll order a salad, if that's okay."

  Hayden eyed me. "Of course it's fine."

  We pulled into the shopping center and parked. In less than five minutes, we were inside and seated with drinks.

  "So, what kind of pizza should I get?" he asked, looking at the menu. My patience was running thin. I wasn't good with surprises, much less waiting for them. Not that this was a surprise, but it sure felt like one. I could never hold back when it came to birthdays or Christmas gifts and always caved beforehand.

  Basically, I ruined surprises.

  And friendships.

  And relationships.

  And marriages.

  When I didn't answer, Hayden peeked over the menu at me. I leveled a stare at him and he busted out laughing. I tried to hold the flat line of my mouth and the heavy I-want-to-strangle-you-with-my-mind look, but I couldn't and started giggling. Picking up the straw wrapper, I formed it into a ball and threw it at him.

  "Alright, alright, alright," he said.

  "Get on with it, Matthew McConaughey."

  "Since this is my last season with World Cup, I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do. I debated whether I wanted to continue gymnastics in college or not. I kind of want to just experience college and the whole party and fraternity thing, but the thing is, you know as much as I do what this sport means. I don't want to give up gymnastics yet. Letting go would be extremely difficult, but given the hours we practice now, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get the full college experience and train at the same time."

  Shit. I'd forgotten Hayden was a year older than me. That meant he and Holly would be leaving soon. A sadness I wasn’t expecting crept over me. When they left, I’d have no one.

  "But the more I considered collegiate gymnastics, the more I realized I could have both. Apparently, we only have to train like half of what we're training now."

  "Half?" My eyebrows shot up. Half was a walk in the park.

  "No more than twenty hours a week."

  "Oh my God! That's nothing. I practice twenty hours a week just in my sleep." I joked.

  "Right? Once I figured that out, I applied to schools all over the country. Ones that offer degrees in something I'd possibly be interested in, and ones with a decent men's gymnastics program."

  I stared wide-eyed. "When did you have time to apply?"

  "Over the weekends when the girls team was away at meets. I didn't apply to all of them, some recruited me."

  While Hayden worshipped and found misery in the sport in the same manner as I did, going to the Olympics was never his dream.

  I smiled. "That's so good. Where did you apply?"

  "University of Florida, though they don't have a men's team. I just like the school. Stanford and Berkley both have men's teams, as well as Oklahoma and Arizona. But it was a school I'd never considered that requested for me to apply. University of Michigan. I figured there was no way I was getting in there"—he shrugged—"but I thought, why not? It couldn't hurt. Not my ideal school, it's cold as fuck there, but I have nothing to lose."

  "Michigan has a great men's team. Some of the guys even competed in the Olympics, I believe."

  "Yeah, I know. I mean, I found out after I looked at the school. I was pretty shocked."

  His pizza came out with my salad, and Hayden slid a slice onto my plate just to be nice, then slid one onto his. I took a bite and nearly sighed, but I pushed it aside and dug into my salad. I took two huge bites when a thought popped into my head.

  "What is Holly going to do?"

  "She applied to the University of Alabama, but she hasn’t heard back. It's the only school she applied to and it’s been her dream to go there since we were kids. I think she just likes the colors." He laughed. "I thought you knew?"

  I shook my head and averted my gaze to my plate. I'd been so involved with myself that I hadn't spoken to my friends much lately. I'd become a bit of a loner, and man, did I feel like a shitty person because of it.

  "Michigan is offering me a full ride and a spot on the men's team." I stopped mid-chew and gaped at him. "I could also get a degree in engineering there," he added, "which is something I've been thinking about."

  I swallowed. "That's incredible, Hayden. Tell me you're going to take it." I shouted a little too loud and looked around to see if anyone had picked up on it.

  Hayden wiped his mouth with a napkin, then crumpled it in his hand. He looked at me, the flat line of his mouth creased with indecision. "Honestly, Aid, I don't know what I want to do. I'm leaning toward Florida, but at the same time, I don’t know if I'm ready to say goodbye to gymnastics either."

  The tone in his voice surprised me and I took no effort to hide my reaction. To me, the choice was an obvious no-brainer. Being offered an academic scholarship and going after the career one wanted was a rare thing, and it seemed he’d been offered the best of both worlds.

  "What's holding you back? Why wouldn't you want to go to Michigan?"

  "A few things. For one, I love Florida. I love the beach. This is my home, where I grew up. I'm not sure I'd want to live in constant cold weather. Plus, I'd be closer to Holly if she needed me."

  "Your sister would only be a plane ride away. I feel like your choice is an obvious one."

  Hayden took another slice of pizza.

  "Have you considered your future?" he asked me.

  "I've given it a little thought, but my main goal right now is focusing on the Olympics. I feel like everyone is probably sick of hearing it, but the way I feel about it…it's hard to explain. It's all I think about, day in and day out. I want it so bad I can taste it, and if that means deferring school for a little while, then I will. I admire you for knowing what you want, though."

  "Any idea where you may want to go?"

  "Honestly, no. I haven't really looked into schools, but I should probably start."

  "So you've never thought about it at all?"

  "I mean, I have." I paused. "Kova was the one who brought it up to me and said I needed to think about universities with Division One gymnastics teams. Aside from that, I haven't given it much thought since I have a one-track mind right now."

  "Kova brought it up to you?" he asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

  I nodded, taking another bite and thinking back to that day in my condo when Kova had talked to me while I took an ice bath.

  "Yeah, he wanted to prepare me for any monetary awards I might be offered, and said if I decided to go pro, I would be waiving my chances of competing in college. I'd never given it any thought until he said something. I remember thinking how naïve I'd been for not knowing what could have happened if I'd have accepted money without knowing the consequences. I'm glad he did because I didn't know about any of that. Being awarded cash would be cool, but I don't really need it, you know?"

  "Wow. Kova thinking about someone other than himself for a change." I glared at Hayden and he threw his hands up. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist. I'm just surprised is all."

  Needing to get the focus off me, I asked, "When do you have to make a decision?"

  "The end of the week."

  My brows shot up again. At this rate, I was going to have wrinkles by the time we were done with dinner.

  "What did your parents say?"

  "What do you think they said? Of course they want me to take the scholarship, but they said they’d support whatever decision I made."

  A relaxed smile spread across my face. "You're lucky to have such a supportive f
amily."

  "I am."

  "If you want my input, I'll give it to you, but I'm sure you already know what I'm going to say. You should take the scholarship. The answer’s obvious. I know how you feel about gymnastics, so what if you give Michigan one year? If you aren't happy when that first year is over, transfer to Florida and retire from gymnastics. That way you can say you gave it a shot and you won't have any regrets."

  Hayden stared at me quietly for a moment. "I hadn't thought of that. See, this is why I wanted to talk to you. Problem solved.”

  I chuckled. "Really? That fast?"

  "Yeah, I was so torn. I’m not ready to put gymnastics behind me, but I didn't want to continue training like I do now and try to go to school, but then I wasn't crazy about leaving Florida either. I've been all over the place. I want both, but I feel like this is a good choice. And who knows, maybe I'll end up loving Michigan and want to stay."

  "I thought you hated cold weather."

  "Hey, anything is possible." He laughed.

  "I'm glad I could help. But this means I only have so much time left with you, doesn’t it?"

  "Yeah, unfortunately it does. I have until early summer, I think, before I have to go."

  Hayden pulled out his cell phone and sent off a series of texts. I didn't bother asking to who but I figured it was to Holly and his parents. Summer wasn't too far off and my schedule was already mapped out for the most part. One way or another, I'd make plans to spend time with him.

  "Thanks, Aid."

  "For what?" I said, his comment pulling me away from my thoughts.

  "For helping me decide. For being a good friend. For being you."

  My smile faltered. Our eyes met. "I haven't always been a good friend."

  "Neither have I. We're human, Adrianna. We all make mistakes." We chuckled together and Hayden asked for the check.

  "A pass. I've gotten a lifetime of passes from you."

  Hayden finished off his pizza and paid the check. Once I was home and about to fall asleep, I laid in bed feeling a little lighter and a bit relieved. Hayden had appeared while I'd been trying to avoid him, but he was exactly what I needed and I hadn't realized it until now. He was a friend who never asked for anything in return. Tonight he was just a friend who wanted to talk about his future. I was helping him, but he had no idea that he was helping me out too.