by Lucia Franco
"Please, Ria." His eyes begged, pleaded.
I diverted my gaze, unable to handle seeing the need inside him. I needed to do this without him, and I needed to show him that he couldn't control everything around him. He wasn't mine anymore. He never had been, and I had to remind myself of that too.
I knew it was killing him by not being able to help me. He was respecting my boundaries, my wants and needs, and I felt the wall I’d erected around my heart chipping away piece by piece. But I didn't want it to chip away. I wanted to keep it strong and tall and whole, but when he was finally seeing me and recognizing what I needed from him, it was hard to keep it upright.
"I need to do this myself. Let me do it." It was something so simple, but I had to do it on my own. "Mind over matter, right?"
I saw him nod from the corner of my eye, and he slowly retreated. Opening the car door, I placed one foot outside and even that was difficult. Exhaling, I reached for the roof of the car and the ledge of the door. My fingers curled as I attempted to rise from the seat. I held my breath, then stepped out of the car and threw my bag over my shoulder. I winced. My entire body was as stiff as steel and tight as a noose. This was going to be loads of fun.
I pulled deep from within and said, "I'll see you at practice." I slammed the door and took a step, then heard the window roll down.
"Adrianna." I turned around. "Take a day or two off. You do not know what you are in for."
I shook my head. Aching and slow, I walked toward the entrance, taking baby steps. I felt like I’d been beat to a pulp and just released from the hospital.
When I reached the sliding doors I looked over my shoulder. Kova had reversed and was waiting for me to safely step inside before he left. His tinted window was rolled halfway up and his gaze was fixated on me. Sadness clouded his features and it left me secretly craving for him to be his brutish self and come upstairs anyway
I often wondered what crossed his mind when our eyes met. What he was thinking. Today, I didn't question it. Today, I saw my reflection blink back at me…and it was startling. We were both hurting, both not able to console the other the way our hearts desired.
The only thing that stood between me and Kova was reality and society.
Oh, and a marriage.
Once I was inside my condo, I showered, cleaned, and dressed, then dug through my drawers and found some compression clothing I’d never used before. The theory behind the clothing seemed a little far-fetched to me, but I gave it a shot and hoped the increased blood flow would help speed up the recovering process to my calf. I didn't have anything to lose at this point as I pulled the sleeve up and around my lower leg.
The one good thing I could say about World Cup was that Kova and Madeline were cautious when it came to injuries. While I’d been scolded countless times to push through the pain by both, I had never been forced to train on a severe injury and pretend like it wasn't real. I wasn't starved or ridiculed over my body. Every one of us trained with injuries—it came with the territory—but at camp I saw something entirely different, and it made me realize just how good I had it at World Cup and I hadn’t even known it. At camp, tears were a common occurrence, and some gymnasts walked with a limp, sports tape, or braces at every joint, all while being reprimanded for their insolent limitation of their bodies. It was the definition of mindfuckery. Between the perilous coaching and lack of nourishment, I wouldn't be surprised if one of us ended up paralyzed or injured so severely we'd be forced to retire due to the way things were carried out there.
The coaches had so much power over us and all for the little slice of hope they provided when we were most vulnerable. I’d taken everything they dished out with open hands and a begging mouth. I'd take it ten times worse if that meant promising me my dreams. Kova was right. Even if I had known what to expect, or how crippled I'd be when I came home, I still would have gone.
Crawling into bed, I got under the covers and scrolled through my phone, reading the messages I’d missed while I was at camp. Some were from Hayden checking up on me, and my dad had called. My heart stopped when I got to a series of messages from Avery. I ached with the desire to call my best friend. I wanted to talk to her, to hear her voice, laugh at her jokes. I missed her big time, but I was still reeling from everything that had transpired between us. I couldn't say I was mad anymore. I wasn't mad. I was disappointed and sad more than anything that she’d felt the need to hide her relationship with my brother from me. I got it, I did, but I couldn't wrap my head around the secrecy or even fathom what they'd go through if they were to announce they were dating. I didn't believe either family would be against it—our fathers were business partners—so what were the repercussions they felt they would face?
If I’d had sex with her brother then aborted his baby, I would've been terrified to tell her too. But I'd have told her, just like I’d told her everything about Kova. That was the difference. She was my best friend and she’d lied to my face for many long months. She hid a massive secret and that was more devastating than anything. I’d thought we were close and could tell each other everything. It crushed my heart and made me feel like she didn't care enough about me to tell me. Did she really think I'd tell her to stop dating him? Well, probably, but I knew his playboy ways better than anyone and would only want to protect her.
I clicked out of her messages and listened to a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. My heart sank when I heard the nurse from the doctor's office. They'd called over a week ago when I’d been with Hayden, and I’d forgotten to call them back. Then they called twice while I was in Texas. My results were in and I needed to schedule an appointment to go over them. I shot a quick glance at the clock to check the time. It was too late to call, and tomorrow was the start of the weekend. I made a plan to call on Monday during lunch to schedule an appointment.
Placing my phone face down on the night stand, I turned on my side and curled up with the blankets, praying that I wouldn't be in so much pain tomorrow.
* * *
Turns out, Kova had been right.
The night he dropped me off and the day after had been horrific. Brutal. I felt like I’d been hit by a freight train, and then ran over by a cement truck. A little dramatic, maybe, but it was the only way to describe the agony I was dealing with.
Call me crazy, but I typically loved the after-day suffering, just not to this extreme. Soreness was proof of an intense workout. It meant I’d pushed back just as hard as I was pulled, but this was something else entirely that I hadn’t even known existed. This was pure torture and I honestly couldn't imagine going through it again. But then I told myself that others had walked on the same stepping stones and came out alive. If they could do it, then so could I. It would be worth it one day.
Then there was the deafening silence I’d tried to avoid whenever I had free time. I swear I could hear the blood flowing through my veins, it was that quiet.
I should've taken Kova up on his offer to rest a few more days. The two days I’d had off weren't enough. Not even close. I ached, I was worn out, and I all but crawled on my hands and knees out of my condo to my car to drive to practice.
The exhaustion, the weariness, the discomfort…it was nothing compared to the blow I got when I arrived at World Cup. I wasn't there for more than a minute when Kova pulled me into his office and shut the door. He started asking numerous questions back-to-back, but I only focused on one thing.
"What are you talking about, Coach? What do you mean you want me to go home?" My heart beat frantically. Of course I wanted to go home, I was tired as hell, but I knew that wasn't an option.
Kova's eyes narrowed and I could see the vulnerability in them. "I did not tell you when I picked you up because I did not want to worry you, but I received a call from your father. Your physician called him and I was told they have been trying to reach you, something about blood results were in and you needed to schedule an appointment."
Hands propped on hips, I was aggravated. "You have to be k
idding me. Why would he tell you?"
"Why did you get blood work?" he countered.
I shrugged, keeping it cool. "Just a regular checkup is all."
"Your father added me as a guardian in case anything happens to you and he couldn't make it here in time."
Made sense, but I didn't like it. With my gaze still hard on his, I asked, "What else did he tell you?"
Kova shifted on his feet. He studied me, his gaze raking up and down my body. "What are you hiding?" he asked, deep and curious.
I reared back, cheeks hot. "Nothing. Not that it's any of your business anyway."
"It is very well my business and you know that."
My eyes flared.
My temper took off.
And there went my control.
"Like hell it is! You don't need to invade every damn aspect of my personal life, Kova. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you."
Kova strode toward me until we were an inch or two apart. He angled his head down, his eyes roaming over my face, taking in every feature. Using his index finger, he tipped my chin up. Green eyes fastened on my mouth and my gaze dropped to his full lips I loved so much. He dragged his teeth over his bottom lip, and I swallowed hard, feeling a stroke of heat pool in my stomach.
I hadn't felt that kind of stirring in a while.
He dragged the tips of his fingers along my jaw to the back of my head and palmed my neck. I stood immobile, at his mercy, while his thumb delicately rubbed the pulse in my neck. I leaned into his touch and got lost in his green eyes. Kova always knew how to calm me down. This wasn't the first time he'd touched me since I’d found out he was married. I struggled with what to do and went with fisting my hands. The caress of his fingers felt divine, so I dug my nails into my palms until I made little crescent moon imprints in my skin. It was the only way I could maintain my self-control, otherwise I'd have my hands on him.
"There you go," he whispered. His thumb slowed. "You were about to pop a blood vessel."
"You make me that way. I swear you bring out the worst in me."
The corner of his mouth tugged up. "You are so beautiful when you are fired up."
"See? Contractions would be useful there."
"You're beautiful when you're fired up," he said, the words so foreign to him I grinned.
My head fell forward onto his chest. I tried not to laugh, but when I replayed the words in my head I chuckled quietly. Kova's hand slid up my neck, his fingers threading through the hair at my nape as he took a small step toward me.
"Say it again," I asked, eyeing his other arm hanging at his side. Kova had this one prevalent vein I loved that wound around his forearm like a tattoo. It was so hot, and my fingers ached to touch it.
"You're beautiful when you're fired up."
I chuckled again. This time when he said it, there was a funny incline in his tone when he said you’re. Like he was trying different variations of the word to see which fit the best. Without thinking, my hands came up to rest on his hips. I grabbed him, holding on as I laughed, and felt the ridges of his strong muscles.
"You sound like a robot."
"You called me Kova," he whispered, his lips pressed to the top of my head. His fingers stroked my scalp, soothing away the tension.
Fucking hell. I hadn’t even realized I’d slipped.
"I don't think clearly when I'm around you," I admitted, feeling defeated. I looked up and our eyes met. "You make me so mad sometimes, but then other times I just want to let it all go and forget and just be us again." My words were a murmur, but I wanted him to know how he affected me.
"I know the feeling all too well," Kova replied, barely above a whisper. "You look sad."
"I am," I replied honestly. We were close enough that I could breathe in his words and allow them to wrap around the organ thumping in my rib cage if I wasn't careful enough.
"I do not like seeing you like that." I stayed silent. "I know you probably do not believe me, but it hurts me to see you this way. You have looked sad for weeks."
I had to wonder if he knew he was the root of my sadness.
"Does that feel good?" he asked, still massaging my head. I nodded, wishing he was massaging my entire body.
"Hmmm… I think I need to call a chiropractor and schedule a full body massage. Will your friend be back anytime soon?"
"Who?"
"The doctor… Ethan. He can do a full body, sports kind of massage. I could use it. He suggested it, remember?"
Kova peered down at me, face blank, but his eyes bore into mine with such intensity it left me breathless. Much to my astonishment, I stepped closer until there was no space left between us and wrapped my arms around his back. I let out a long breath and sagged against him.
"If you need a deep tissue massage"—he gave me a casual shrug—"I can do it for you."
He didn't hint at something more, and he wasn't his usual bossy, over-controlling self, but I was taken aback by my quick response.
"Okay," I replied so easily. "I should probably do another round of blading before I go back to Texas too."
He nodded, and I dropped my chin to his chest. His fingers mellowed me out, my eyes heavy with fatigue. Exhaling, I let out a long sleepy breath.
"I need you to do me a favor," he said, like he was begging for me not to argue with him. I looked up to see Kova's face shift into a handful of different emotions that made me want to ask what he was thinking about.
"I need you to stay home until you see your doctor. I am not asking for a doctor's note for you to come back. I am going to trust that you went. I just need to make sure you are okay and healthy. It is my main priority."
I wanted to fight him on this, because I needed to be in the gym, training as hard as I could, but I was so tired that all I did was nod my head in agreement.
"Spasibo," he said in Russian.
Leaning down, Kova pressed a kiss to my forehead. My eyes rolled shut and I took a deep breath. I was too weary to pull away.
"I planned to call on my lunch break, you know. I was going to go."
"Okay, well, now you can call from home. In your bed." I groaned. "What is wrong?"
"It's so quiet at home. I feel so alone there."
Kova pulled back and it forced me to look at him. "You do not like it?"
"Usually I don't mind, but lately it makes me a little depressed."
I hated to admit that I was depressed because I felt like it made me weak. My gaze dropped to his shoulder. I didn't like feeling this way, but I also didn't know how to pull out of it. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became, and the emptier my chest felt.
Cupping my face, Kova brought my attention back to him. "Come to my home. Katja is out of town and I can do the massage there. You will not feel alone. I will be there shortly. I will let Madeline know I am leaving early. I have the masseuse table and everything we need."
My heart clenched.
"You are certifiable." He grinned, and dammit to hell, it was sexy. "What if Katja comes home early?"
"Trust me, she will not show up early. I know how she operates." Kova's gaze lowered to my lips. I could tell he had more to say so I waited. "I think we could both use the company anyway."
"I don't have the energy to entertain this. I think it's best if I just go home."
"Exactly. You do not have the energy. Please…" he said, stepping closer and taking hold of my hands. Kova's eyes softened, yet flickered with anguish. My lips parted.
"Stay the night. Let me take care of you," he said.
I couldn't help it and immediately fell back on my familiar defenses. "I bet you used the table with your wife."
Kova's shoulders tightened. "Adrianna, enough. The table is still in the box, unopened. You can watch me put it together. I promise, you are the only one who will use it. In fact, I will give you the damn table if you want. Please, just stop being difficult and let me help you. You need me, and deep down, I think you want me to help you but you are too stubborn to ask," he sai
d. His tone was too genuine for me to question his motives and I instantly felt bad for jumping down his throat.
My heart was already broken, my body in constant pain. I forced myself to stay emotionally distant from him to protect myself, or at least I tried to. I didn't want to give in. I was stronger than that, but he was right. I did want him to take care of me. I needed him, and no matter what I did or what I told myself, I didn't have the power in me to hate him, even though I tried. And the scariest part? It wasn't just a carnal need. I needed Kova in his entirety. I just wanted to be around him. I missed his arms, his body, the way he never used contractions, how he just let himself be when it was us. I just missed him. Like there was a Kova-sized hole in my life only he could fill. But I knew if I agreed to this that my heart would be irrevocably shattered even more.
Still, I was trying to fight it.
Kova spoke over my indecision. "If it makes you feel more comfortable, I will close the gym early and we can meet back here." My brows shot up. Kova never closed World Cup early for anything. "I will go home and get my table. I am trying to make it so you are not alone, but comfortable. Whatever you need, I will do. Sometimes when you are alone and feeling depressed, being inside your head is the worst thing. I do not want you to go down that road any more than you already have, it is not healthy." Kova paused and let out a long breath. "I just want to help you, but what is it that you want?"
Looking at him, I went with the truth, even if it hurt both of us. Tears sprung to my eyes.
"I just want to remember what it's like to not feel broken."
* * *
Kova's eyes flashed. He shook his head like he hated to hear me utter those words. I felt his breathing deepen, his chest expanding against mine. I felt the heat of his body warm me and I hadn't felt it in so long. His hands roamed over my back until his arms wrapped around me. He held me tight, his hands gently pouring his emotion into me.
