Release

by Lucia Franco

  I walked up to Kova, took his cell phone out of his hand and placed it on the counter, then I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him. Stepping closer until our bodies were flush together, I laid my head upon his chest. He stood still, probably surprised because it took him a moment to return the hug.

  "What are you doing?" he asked quietly.

  "Just hugging you."

  "I know. But why? You never just hug me."

  I laughed as he tightened his arms around me. The warmth of his body made me sigh. I could feel his heart beating and how it sped up the longer I held on to him.

  "Unless we're alone, I've never really had the opportunity to hug you when I wanted to." Kova stayed silent. I figured I’d caught him off guard with my answer. I nestled my face into his chest. "Thank you."

  "For what?" he responded, his voice hoarse.

  I looked up, my chin resting on his firm chest. I answered honestly, my voice soft. "For always taking care of me and being there, even when I don't want you to be. I know it might seem like I'm ungrateful, but I'm not. I've just been really hurt the last couple of months and I'm trying to deal with it and work through my emotions. I really do appreciate everything you do to help me. I’m lucky to have a coach like you."

  There was a flash of emotion in Kova's eyes. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I would do anything for you, Adrianna. I hope you know that." He clenched his eyes shut like he couldn't believe it himself. "Anything."

  I swallowed hard, nodding, as we stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. I believed him.

  Even though it hurt the back of my calf, I applied pressure to my good leg and elevated on the tips of my toes to reach him. I brought one hand to the front of his chest as the other skimmed up the back of his neck. I slipped his hat around so the brim was facing backward. My heart raced as he loosened his hug and his hands roamed down my back to softly cup my hips. I drew in a little gasp, fighting how much I loved being in his arms and appreciating how hard he was trying to be good. I wanted to give him a little kiss, but I couldn't reach him. Even on my toes he still had quite a few inches on me.

  But he knew what to do. Kova always knew what I wanted. Slowly and hesitantly, I pressed my chest to his and he leaned his head down to close the distance, giving me his lips. I didn't kiss him with tongue, though, I kissed him with my heart and let him feel my emotion, my lips sealed together. I kissed him softly.

  I pulled back and kissed him the same way again, our tongues never touching but our lips separating a little. My mouth pressed harder into his and I felt a sizzle of electricity through my body. Kova's hands slid over my butt and just when I thought he was going to stop, his hands slid to the backs of my bare thighs. All I wore was a thin, jersey knit spaghetti strap pajama dress. Sometimes I liked to let my body breathe after all the hours I spent in a leotard, especially after the week I'd had with Coach Elena.

  Wide hands spread out, his fingers all over me, Kova slipped his hands beneath my dress, but I pulled back. I didn't want him to know I wasn't wearing panties, or to get the wrong idea. I’d only wanted to show him I appreciated him with a little kiss.

  I stared at his mouth, my index finger running over his full lips that I loved so much. Kova dropped a light kiss to my forehead, then stepped back. I took note of his facial expression. His green eyes were soft, and the warmth in his touch settled the rattling in my bones.

  "What's wrong?" I asked.

  Kova glanced away and ran a hand over his stubbled jaw. "No one has ever just hugged me like that."

  My forehead bunched together. That couldn't be. He'd been with Katja for a long time. I was sure she had.

  "Really? Not even your wife? She doesn't hug you just to hug you?"

  "No."

  "What about a kiss?"

  "Not like that. Very rarely, and it is usually me who has to initiate it."

  I stared at him for a bit.

  "So," he said, "how about dinner…"

  I sighed dramatically and rolled my eyes, a smile pulling at my lips. "I'm not that hungry."

  "I have listened to your stomach growl nonstop since you got into my car."

  I frowned and rubbed my belly. I'd gotten so used to disregarding my gnawing hunger that I hadn't noticed until he said something.

  "Fine. I'm hungry, I just can't eat yet. My stomach is too upset. When I feel like this after a hard practice I drink bone broth."

  His face screwed up. "Bone broth," he repeated. "You are kidding me."

  I chuckled. "No. It really helps settle my stomach, and it's actually good for you."

  Turning around, I walked into my kitchen and bent down to open one of the cabinets. I had twelve cartons of organic chicken bone broth. I looked at Kova.

  "There is something wrong with you," he said, but in a way that made me bust out laughing.

  "I can drink a whole carton."

  Kova's mouth was lost somewhere between a frown and disgust, and I giggled.

  "Please tell me you at least drink it hot."

  I nodded, still smiling like a fool for some reason. "I heat it on the stove then sip it." I reached down and grabbed a box. "Would you like some?" He didn't answer, his face was still scrunched up. "Oh my God. You're a thirty-two-year-old man acting like a child. I didn't offer you frog legs and turtle soup. Just try it for me, please. If you eat mine, I'll eat yours. Whatever you want."

  "Deal," he quickly responded.

  Oh my God! Eyes wide, I slapped a hand over my mouth, realizing what I’d said and laughing in shocked surprise.

  "That's not what I meant!" I yelled playfully. I really needed to think before I spoke.

  He held up one finger, his eyes filling with vigor and life. It made me smile to see him like this. "Ah. And correction. I am thirty-three."

  I pulled back. "Wait. Thirty-three? When was your birthday?"

  He hesitated for a moment. "It is actually today."

  "Today?" I responded, my voice a little high-pitched.

  He nodded, his newly energetic eyes still focused on me as he shrugged like he couldn't care less that he was turning another year older. I should've known, but more importantly, Katja shouldn’t have been away on vacation on her husband's birthday.

  "I didn't know it was your birthday. I'm sorry. Happy Birthday, Kova."

  He brushed it off. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong now since you know it is my birthday?" he pushed again, a brow raised in what I knew was hopefulness.

  I pulled a pot out from underneath the counter and turned on the stove. "Honestly, there's nothing wrong with me other than the fact I'm grossly exhausted. I could probably sleep for the next two days."

  He angled his head to the side, his eyes teasing and not malicious in the least. "Lies. I can always tell when you are lying."

  I looked at him after I emptied the liquid into the pot, hoping my blush had disappeared. "Are you just going to repeatedly ask the same question until you get what you want?"

  "Adrianna, I always get what I want."

  A nervous chuckle rolled off my lips. The way he said my name, the roll of the R sent a shiver down my spine.

  "Spoken like a true child. All you need is a foot stomp now to complete it."

  He barked out a laugh, and I found myself smiling along with him. Kova didn't laugh very often, but when he did, I loved the sound and how it made my stomach flutter and tighten.

  "I got my way. You washed that shit off your face, did you not?"

  I looked over my shoulder as I stirred the pot. "I don't really like makeup, to be honest. I'm in the gym all day, every day sweating. It makes no sense to wear it."

  "I am glad. I do not like it, and you do not need it. Contrary to what you believe, Adrianna, I do not prefer women to be perfect. I already have a Russian doll. I do not need, or want, another one. Please do not wear it again."

  I flinched at the scowl in his tone. My stomach clenched. He was comparing me to his wife.

  "I am sorry. I did not mean to b
ring her up."

  "You're forgiven." I knew he hadn’t meant anything by it.

  Setting the spoon on the counter, I turned around and eyed Kova. "Why is Katja not here on your birthday? She should be here to celebrate with you."

  I couldn’t believe I was nonchalantly bringing up Katja. I never did. But I was exhausted and just too tired to fight, and truthfully, I felt bad for him.

  Kova shrugged it off and his smile vanished. "It is just another day to me and not a big deal, Adrianna. One of her girlfriends is opening a new high-end boutique, so she flew to be with her at the grand opening."

  "Who says boutique these days?"

  "Is that not what they are called?"

  I shrugged. "I guess. It just sounds funny coming from your Russian lips."

  "Who says Russian lips?" he quickly countered, and I grinned at him.

  I liked this, just being carefree and playful with Kova. Before things got complicated and heartbreak got in the way.

  This was the reason his demeanor changed earlier when he picked me up. It's why he was standoffish, and why he was annoyed. It all made sense now. I couldn't blame him. I’d spent many birthdays alone and it was so depressing, no matter how hard I tried to pretend it wasn't.

  "Couldn't she have said no and not gone?"

  It disturbed me Katja skipped out on his birthday.

  "Just drop it. I really do not care. It is just another day."

  "No, I can't. You're her husband. You're more important than a dumb clothing store. It's too bad she can't see that."

  Everyone should look forward to their one big day a year that was dedicated to them. My parents had never cared much about my birthday and it always saddened me. Avery would bring me a small cake and we'd eat the entire thing together.

  Last year, I’d spent it in my condo by myself with a cupcake Thomas had bought me.

  A birthday alone was a miserable one, and I didn't want that for Kova. He may be an asshole, but I’d learned it was all a façade. Underneath his tough exterior, it bothered him to be alone, even though he was trying to act blasé about it. It's why he wanted me to want him. I knew it was. He had a huge, tender heart he hid from the world.

  "You know, if you don't have anything to do, I was going to sit out on my patio and catch some fireworks. You can stay and watch with me, if you want?" I suggested softly.

  * * *

  "Are you finally going to tell me what is on your mind?" he asked, threading his fingers through mine. I watched as he brought our joined hands to his mouth and pressed his lips to them. I swallowed, my heart leaping into my tight throat. Our hands stayed pressed to his lips, as if he was breathing us in and savoring the moment.

  "As you can see, Kova, I actually love to eat. I was just worked to the bone and starved most of the time."

  He eyed me. "I believe you."

  "Do you?" I questioned, and he nodded.

  I ended up drinking half the container of bone broth and Kova had the other half while admitting that he liked it. Then he ordered us dinner from a Mexican restaurant because he said we couldn’t survive on a liquid diet and that I deserved to cheat and splurge after the week I had. And I did. I ate everything, surprising myself and Kova. I wasn't even sure what I ate. It had looked super unhealthy, but tasted and smelled amazing. I devoured the gooey, cheesy, meat-filled rolled tortillas with red rice and beans on the side. Apparently Mexican food was one of Kova’s favorites. I never would have guessed.

  Now we were sitting on the couch and my stomach coiled with emotions that defied each other. I glanced out the sliding glass door. The sun had dropped long ago and I could hear fireworks booming in the distance. I knew why I felt this way. I had two problematic concerns I thought about day in and day out.

  One issue was that I liked how well we worked together, how, in this moment, we both just went with the flow like it was the most normal thing in the world for us. In my heart it felt right, and I knew he felt the same way. It reminded me of the day we’d spent at his house when Katja was away.

  Letting my guard down and allowing trust to slither its way back in was my other issue, and what I feared the most. Simple moments like this made that happen. The trust thing was always at the front and center of my mind every damn day. If I welcomed him back in after everything, it would mean I was weak-minded. Yet holding up this wall I’d built took a lot more out of me than I wanted to admit.

  Pulling my hand away, I moved so I was lying down and placed my feet in his lap. He leaned back and rested one arm along the back of the couch, the other grabbing onto my toes.

  "There's nothing on my mind. I'm just worn out."

  Kova gazed down at me, his emerald green eyes taking me in. The intensity of his gaze made me blush but I didn't look away. He looked too at peace for me to do that and something in my chest told me he needed this more than I did. Kova was a lot of things, but needy wasn't one of them. So the fact that I could feel his need told me I should let my wall down just a little and be there for him the same way he had been there for me.

  "You have so much riding on this summer I want to make sure I have done everything in my power to help get you where you need to be."

  "Thank you," I said.

  Kova began to massage my feet. I sighed at the feel of his fingers pressing into my sore heels and sank deeper into the couch. "You're going to put me to sleep if you keep that up." I smiled lazily up at him, my eyes heavy and body laden with fatigue.

  "So go to sleep."

  "Will you stay?" I asked, but there was no way I could fall asleep.

  "I will do whatever you want."

  I felt the weight of his words and knew he meant what he said.

  As his fingers moved to the arch of my foot, I drew in a silent breath and waited, praying to God he wouldn't touch the back of my ankle…but he did. I hissed, my back bowing as tears stung my eyes.

  "Oh God," I gushed, unable to hold it back. I saw stars.

  "Adrianna." His voice held a note of worry and panic.

  "It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay," I said, sitting up and reaching for my foot. The pain hadn't been so terrible since I got home, but this was also the first time I’d really taken a break to sit down, which meant I’d allowed it to tighten up again.

  "Let me get you some ice," Kova said, and jumped from the couch. Within seconds he was back with a towel and a bag of ice to examine my foot. "I am terribly sorry, Adrianna. I saw how swollen it was, I just did not know the pain went that deep."

  "It's okay. You didn't know, and to be honest, I was feeling fine and forgot about it."

  "This happened at camp," he stated.

  I nodded. "Yeah. I think I landed wrong on a tumbling pass, but it could've just been a combination of everything. I think Coach Elena caught on, but I couldn't stop to sit out, or ice it, or even tell her. One look in her eyes said all I needed to know. I couldn't do anything other than take orders, which is what I did. And before you go saying we always have a choice, you have to know I didn't."

  I added a little more hardened emotion to my last sentence than I intended. We'd both used that everyone has a choice bullshit on each other before, but with each passing day it became clearer and clearer that not every option presented in life came with a choice. It's either you do, or you don't. That's it.

  "I understand," was all he said.

  "Do you? Really?"

  He nodded, and that relieved me so much. "I do. You are too close to the finish line to complain now. You give everything you have to prove you want it, or you give nothing at all because anything less is not worth it. Sometimes that means breaking a little inside and sucking up whatever sanity is left and doing it with a smile. Sometimes that means loading up on painkillers and sports tape or extreme therapy to recover quicker so you are ready for the next day. Do I think it is a good idea to proceed? No. But I get it. Had you not made it to camp, and you were not upgrading your skills, or you plateaued in your training, we would be having a different conversation right no
w. But it is too close to the end and you do not have that option right now." He paused, still pinching around on my ankle. "But I knew… I knew something was off when you got off the plane. I could feel it. You did not want to tell me, did you?"

  I glanced away, my heart thumping wildly against my ribs with the unknown. "No, I didn't. I figured you'd force me to take a day of rest. I honestly never planned to tell you."

  He eyed me, all too knowing, and it made me paranoid. "Is there anything else you want to tell me? Now is your chance."

  "No. I'll make an appointment with the doctor." Perfect opportunity to get my results too.

  "Oh, you are without a doubt going to the doctor. I may be a gift from God, but even I need to know what I am working with here."

  A chuckle rolled off my lips. Picking up a decorative pillow, I flung it at Kova. He smiled as he dodged it. I’d thought he would activate dick mode and go off on me, but he hadn't.

  "You probably have some little tears in there, but I do not think you severed your Achilles completely or you would not be able to walk and you would definitely be screaming in pain. You would not have been able to finish camp, that is for sure." Kova looked at me, his eyes piercing mine. "You were scared to tell me."

  I nodded, chewing my bottom lip. I averted my gaze to the carpet. "I have too much to lose. I didn't want to chance it."

  Kova began wrapping up my ankle with the ice and the towel. "Ya tak ponimayu, chto chuystyuyu sebya slishkom," he mumbled in Russian under his breath.

  "What did you say?"

  He shook his head and looked at my foot. "I understand that feeling all too well." Kova glanced away and leaned back, then rubbed his square jaw. He took off his hat, shook it out, and put it back on. He was anxious. I could feel it in his touch when he gently picked up my foot and placed it in his lap.

  He repeated what he’d said in Russian, then looked straight into my eyes. My heart fluttered. I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

  "Just that I know that feeling of being scared and having too much to lose. I understand you. Proklyatyy, yesli vy sdelayete, proklyatyy, yesli vy etogo ne sdelayete. Damned if you do, damned if you do not. What the heart wants does not matter, it all causes pain in the end. You are fucked either way, Adrianna, so you try to make the best decision you can knowing that neither choice was the one you wanted." He paused, and tilted his head to the side. "Do you have any Russian in you?"