Take It Off the Menu

by Hovland, Christina

  Funny thing was that the way the orange gleamed in the moonlight? Well, it sort of looked festive—if one squinted and tilted their head to the side.

  “I’ve done some weird shit in my life.” Eli came up beside Marlee, the warmth of his body close to hers. “This tops the list.”

  “I’m pretty sure this is what Sadie, Becca, Kellie, and I will be like when we’re old.” She leaned against his arm. “I hope so.”

  “God help us all.” He nudged her shoulder with his own.

  “I’m not one hundred percent certain, but I think Babushka has ties to the Russian mafia,” Marlee whispered.

  “I’m nearly one hundred percent certain that you are correct.” The edges of his lips twitched.

  Marlee. Eli. Moonlight. The whole thing was nearly romantic. Except for the covert mission of the elderly hanging Halloween penises.

  Laughter echoed from inside the house, spilling onto the patio. Scotty had their old life, but she had Eli.

  For now, at least.

  The numbness she’d felt earlier turned to warm embers.

  “Scotty’s having a party.” Marlee glanced at the gray flagstone on the side of her patio.

  “I saw that.” Eli swung his arm around her, drawing her against his side.

  “My old friends are here.” And it shouldn’t have bugged her. It really shouldn’t have. They were her old friends, not her current friends. Her current friends were fighting for her honor using orange dildos.

  Eli pressed a totally platonic kiss on the crown of her head. “Fuck ’em.”

  She nodded. What he’d said was right. Still, her stomach cramped whenever the laughter started up.

  Eli’s hand found hers, and he pulled her into the fray with the old women. He handed her an orange penis. “It’s almost Halloween. You haven’t even hung one decoration. Pretty sure that’s not going to work for me.”

  Marlee took the dick from his hand, swung it over her head, and let go. The orange silicone sailed through the air until it caught on one of the branches of the second aspen tree.

  She stared at the orange penis dangling from the tree and swaying in the light breeze. “That was surprisingly freeing.”

  Eli held another out to her. “The oak tree over there only has a couple.”

  “That oak tree is technically my neighbor’s.” Marlee took it from his grip. “The other one is mine.”

  “Their branch is over your fence. Doesn’t that make it yours?” Eli whispered.

  Sadie would have to clarify that particular law for them if they got caught.

  “I think this one’s yours.” Marlee slid the silicone shaft into his palm.

  Eli, the hulk that was Eli, twirled it over his head before letting the makeshift nunchucks go. They flew up, catching the edge of the gutter and hanging there.

  “Scotty’ll need a ladder to get that one down.” Eli gave her a high five, clearly proud of himself.

  The funny part of that wasn’t that Scotty would need a ladder, the comedy was Scotty actually climbing a ladder. Scotty having to buy or borrow a ladder. Or pay someone to come deal with his new situation.

  The porch light flicked on, a spotlight on all of them.

  The orange dildo crew all froze. Marlee’s heart beat faster. Someone had triggered the floodlight.

  The old ladies disappeared into the black of night like some kind of secret spies, leaving Heather, Eli, and Marlee bathed in the porch light. Heather dove behind a bush.

  Eli pulled Marlee to the edge of the house. She gripped his sleeve, leading him through the night to the other gate.

  “Someone triggered the floodlight,” Marlee whispered.

  “Got that,” he whispered back, the rough timbre of his voice scraping against the fine hairs along her neck.

  Her heart raced, waiting to see if Scotty would open the door. A lot of the time in the fall, the blowing leaves would set off the floodlight. If she would have been inside, she wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But with a full house, someone could easily open the back door to check.

  And see everything they’d done.

  Dammit.

  They needed to be long gone to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard treat before that happened.

  Marlee wedged herself against the gate, right near the latch. She pulled Eli next to her. If they got caught, they could run from there.

  She held her breath.

  Eli held his.

  No one opened the door.

  The floodlight clicked off, timing out. She still gripped Eli’s sleeve. He stood close to her, body to body, not moving away.

  She glanced up at him, the whites of his eyes pale in the moonlight. Her index finger pressed against her lips to tell him to be quiet, but she didn’t really need to do that. And she didn’t really mean to be quiet in the sense of speaking. She meant she was quieting her feelings. The ones he exposed. He seemed to understand that, too.

  The night soaked in around them.

  There was no party at her ex’s, no team of elderly women exacting revenge on her behalf. In that moment, there was only Eli and Marlee. She pressed the length of her body tight against his, hoping like heck he wouldn’t pull away.

  He didn’t move, and his breathing quickened along with her own. They just stood there, the leaves rustling against silicone penises dangling from the trees. Her breasts got heavier, and she stood on her tiptoes, her nipples pressing against his chest through the fabric of their shirts. His firm erection was obvious against her hip.

  Neither of them said anything, but his hand went to her waist. She hadn’t thought she could get physically closer to him, but he was showing her right there that she could. He made a guttural sound in the back of his throat before his mouth dropped to hers.

  This kiss was light to start. Exploring. Erasing any residual numbness and replacing it with heat. Her skin seemed to purr with every stroke of his tongue.

  He explored her lips, tongue, the planes of her mouth. Dipped his tongue against hers. Her blood pounded in her temples, breaths coming quick, fingers gripping his sides.

  “Who the fuck hung penises from my fucking trees?” Scotty’s voice broke the moment.

  Marlee gasped, breaking up the make-out session.

  “Son of a bitch.” Scotty’s words pierced through the night. “There’s dog poop on my shoe.”

  “I think Babushka left a little something extra for him.” Eli tucked a strand of hair behind Marlee’s ear.

  “I’m pretty sure it’s legal for me to hang penises from my trees,” Marlee whispered. “I’m not sure of the legalities of dog poop.”

  “We’ll just consider that a parting gift from Lothario.” Eli used his body to block her from the backyard, but she was already slipping out of the gate and quietly skirting through Mrs. Morris’s yard to the street.

  His hand gripped in hers, she pulled him behind her, emerging from the greenbelt between the homes to where they’d parked the cars.

  Scotty would be calling neighborhood security right about now. The dog poop had probably bought them a solid five minutes. He couldn’t stand it when he accidentally stepped in Lothario’s poop. He’d always insisted on cleaning it immediately.

  She needed to round everyone up so they could all go for ice cream. No way was she going to miss a date with an Oreo Cookie Blizzard with the fudge center to explain the legalities of hanging Halloween decorations in her own trees.

  Her feet seemed to stop on their own when the cars came into view.

  Everyone was already in them, waiting.

  “How’d they all get here first?” Eli asked.

  Marlee didn’t answer. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they were all accounted for and it was now time to go, go, go.

  She ran to the driver’s side of her SUV, pulling open the door and slipping onto the welcoming leather seat.

  “I can’t believe you had the keys.” Heather huffed, but her eyes sparkled with laughter. “Next time, we need to be sure there are two sets
of keys.”

  “So you can leave me?” Marlee turned over the engine, checking in the rearview that Eli was in the Jeep, ready to follow.

  “What took you so long?” Etta asked, digging through her purse and emerging with a yellow butterscotch candy.

  “They were canoodling.” Dottie took the candy Etta offered. “You know, Eli and I canoodled once, too.”

  Marlee raised her eyebrows in Heather’s direction. Not that she didn’t believe that Eli had been intimate with other women, but she’d never pegged him as one who scoped out retirement homes for dates.

  “It’s sort of true,” Heather confirmed. “At the senior ‘senior’ dance. Dottie hijacked him to dance with her.”

  “We never made it past third base.” Dottie shrugged.

  Heather dropped her forehead to her palm. “Do you think she properly understands the bases?”

  “You didn’t get to that stage of the canoodling?” Etta asked, totally serious.

  “Close, but no cigar.” Dottie scanned the neighborhood through the back window.

  Marlee tucked that tidbit aside to ask Eli about it later. Right now? They had ice cream to eat.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Two Nights Later

  “Lothario, no.” Marlee scurried after Lothario into the darkened living room. He’d taken her midnight need to use the facilities as an opportunity to bolt to his favorite human. Tonight, that favorite being Eli since Babushka wasn’t around. Her dog was a traitor.

  Eli lay totally zonked out on the pullout sofa bed, his breaths even. Lothario tossed Marlee a haughty glare before scooting his little butt under the bed, pulling one of Eli’s running shoes between his teeth.

  She’d gone to bed in her silver silk chemise because it made her feel pretty. It also had a matching sleep mask which she’d pulled up to her forehead. As she dropped to all fours to fish her dog out from under Eli’s bed, she wished she’d gone with the cropped cotton pajama pants with little blue flowers and the matching Henley shirt. Then again, Scotty had bought her that set, so it was definitely a no.

  He hadn’t tried to contact her since their tree-decorating event the other night. The only person she’d heard from was her mom, who really wanted to take Marlee to coffee. Marlee had replied that she’d be happy to go to coffee once her parents turned her trust fund back on.

  Yes, she was a woman on a mission to make it on her own. She still hated that they continued to try to wield their power of money over her head.

  Hence the continued stalemate with her mom and dad.

  “Lothario,” Marlee whispered.

  He didn’t move.

  Eli, however, mumbled something incoherent. She stilled, waiting to ensure he stayed asleep—she didn’t want to wake him. Not when things were so weird. Well, weird for her. After the other night when they’d kissed. It was like the kiss had never happened. They’d gotten their ice cream, escaped the clutches of arrest, and didn’t speak of it again.

  Except her lips still tingled whenever she thought of how his mouth felt against hers. Which was pretty much all the time. Hence the reason she now turned awkward whenever they were in the same room.

  “Lothario,” she whispered louder, swiping her arm under the bed.

  Lothario escaped deeper toward the head of the bed with his love-shoe. Unfortunately, he went to the side closest to the wall. She couldn’t fit beside the bed there, so she’d have to climb on the mattress to get to him.

  She sat back on her heels. Crud.

  Eli grunted and rolled over, pulling the blanket with him and leaving his left side uncovered. His bare left side.

  They’d only slept together that one time in Vegas, and neither of them had worn a speck of clothing. But Eli Howard always slept naked? Who knew?

  Well, now she knew, and she needed to get her dog and get out of there. Stat.

  Carefully, she climbed onto the empty side near the wall, crawling toward Lothario.

  She swiped her hand in the air where Lothario had just resided, but he hustled to the other side.

  Dammit.

  “Mmmm.” Eli made a sound deep in the back of his throat.

  Marlee stilled. She’d heard that sound before—the last time she’d been in bed with him. In Vegas.

  Careful not to move the mattress, she held herself perfectly still. Her breaths came shallow. Her heart raced.

  “Mar,” he said her name in a hushed whisper, his vocal cords scouring the syllable.

  She sat up. He was on the other side of the bed, back to her, his breaths still spaced evenly. The air in her lungs seemed to dip.

  “Eli? I’m just getting Lothario and then I’m on my way,” she whispered like it was a totally normal thing.

  She peered over his shoulder. His eyes were still closed. The blanket covered half of him, and she didn’t dare chance a look at the bare corded muscle.

  “Mm-hmm.” He made another sound she recognized.

  This was wrong. He was having a dirty dream and she was right there.

  “Marlee.” He practically moaned her name.

  Okay, enough was enough.

  “Eli, you should probably wake up.” She shook his shoulder just a little.

  Now, what she expected? She expected him to wake up and tell her that she was being a dippy-do for tracking her dog through the living room as he was intent to spend the night with Eli’s shoe. She did not expect him to roll into her, pinning her against the bed, his eyes still closed tight.

  She didn’t expect him to run his nose along her neckline or press his erection against her stomach.

  His eyes stayed closed even as he moved his hand to the hem of her nightgown. Still pinned underneath him, she pinched her lips together and held herself still. He was having a really good dream and inviting her to participate. She’d like to participate, of course, but he should probably be aware that she was an active participant. That required him to wake up.

  “I like that,” he mumbled against her shoulder.

  She cleared her throat, ignoring the nerves between her own legs pulsing and begging her to open up and just let things go as they may.

  “Eli,” she said in her normal voice.

  He moaned again, his weight heavy against her, covering her body. For the briefest of moments, she let herself imagine what it would be like to have him inside her again. The safety of him surrounding her, filling her.

  “Eli,” she said louder. She squirmed against the wet heat pooling at her core. Her body was now the traitor. “Wake up.”

  She couldn’t do this. Not like this.

  His eyelids popped open. He had a momentary look of utter confusion. “Mar?”

  “Hey.” She bit at her lip, did a little finger wave with her right hand.

  “Mar.” He shot up off her, the air suddenly very empty. He pulled the blanket around himself. “What are you doing?”

  “I was getting my dog from under your bed, but then you were having a dream and I tried to wake you up.” She sat up, totally averting her eyes from where he lay on the bed. “My bad.”

  “Your bad?” He rubbed at his eyes with his fingertips.

  “I think Lothario is just going to sleep here tonight if you’re good with that. I’ll go back to bed.” She started to scoot past him off the bed, unable to keep her eyes off him.

  Eli sat, confusion clearly written on his face. The blanket slid down to his waist.

  Yes, she was all in on bedroom activities with him. But now that he was awake? She started to hyperventilate. Lothario barked from under the bed.

  Where was her inhaler? She needed to get to the one she left on the bookcase.

  Before she could move farther, Eli placed both hands on her shoulders, centering her. She looked straight into his gaze, her heartrate dropping to normal levels and her lungs taking air in average breaths.

  He ran his thumb over her cheekbone. “Did I hurt you?”

  What? “No, why?”

  “I was on top and...” His expression was tot
ally soft. “Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?”

  Her muscles started to relax at the gentleness of his tone. Big, bad Eli Howard was all soft and gooey inside.

  She decided to go with honesty. “I was scared.”

  “Shit.” He pulled her against his chest, the top of her head below his chin. “I’m sorry.”

  “I was scared because I knew I’d enjoy it if we had sex again,” she said. “Even asleep, you could never hurt me, Eli. I know that.”

  It was his turn to go still, his hand cupping the back of her head. His Adam’s apple pressed against her cheek as he swallowed hard.

  He didn’t say anything.

  Not exactly the reaction she’d been going for.

  “Well?” she asked.

  “I’d probably enjoy it, too,” he replied.

  She pulled back from him. “Probably?”

  The edges of his lips quivered with laughter.

  Hers followed suit. She fell back on the bed, her forearm covering her eyes, giggling.

  He stretched out beside her, the heaviness of the moment gone.

  She grabbed a pillow and smacked him square in the face. “Probably?”

  He retaliated with his own, missing her head and hitting her shoulder with cloth and down and fluffy fabric.

  She couldn’t let that stand. Gripping the pillow, she hit him again.

  The coordination of what happened next was a little sketchy even as it played out. She laughed. He laughed. She whomped him with her pillow. He tickled her along her sides.

  “Marlee?” he asked.

  “Hmm?”

  His expression turned serious. “Definitely. Not probably.”

  Oh.

  “You know what this night is missing?” she asked.

  “Lots of things. But what do you think it’s missing?”

  “Orange dildos.” She burst into hysterical laughter at all those old ladies and the orange dildos they’d made for Scotty’s trees. Well, they were her trees, too, but since she didn’t live there, they were mostly Scotty’s.

  Then Eli was straddling her, his fingers no longer tickling but pressing gently against her skin. His face only millimeters from hers, their breaths became one between them. “I’m here. You definitely don’t need an orange anything.”