Super Lizard Returns

by Chris Harvey

  The bus came round the corner, crammed full of people. It was not that busy on the way there. Tanooki knew they should have taken a taxi. The Lizard Mobile, as he was now calling his car, was out of action. It would not start that morning and unlike usual super heroes who seemed to never do a honest day’s work but had vast amounts of money to pay for costumes, gadgets and high powered transportation, a three hour shift at Burger World every other day was not going to pay for a new battery and starter motor especially with the large bill from the diamond case still hanging over them.

  The bus stopped and lowered with that satisfying psssshhhh noise. Three reporters and film crews stepped off. The flashing lights of hundreds, well about ten, cameras blinded the two heroes. Microphones were shoved in their faces and questions asked.

  “Have you found what you were looking for?”

  “We hear there is a master criminal in town, what can you tell us?”

  “How long has the hunt been going on?”

  “Some say this is the start of a wave of criminality?”

  “They say it is a super villain, do you think we are no longer safe?”

  Tanooki raised a gloved hand, “quack quack.”

  The questions stopped, the camera flashes ended, the microphones waivered. Everyone’s brows furrowed and confusion filled their faces. Tanooki, followed quickly by Super Lizard, walked onto the bus.

  “Two to Bishopsgate please,” Tanooki said. The driver took their money and the bus pulled away, leaving a crowd of people behind, people who may just have been thinking that Tanooki had gone a little mad.

  ~

  Never was a more sorry sight seen, at the back of a bus winding its way through narrow country lanes sat a large man in a racoon onesie and a ten foot lizard in an ill-fitting Jedi robe.

  “No wonder he knew where we were,” Tanooki said, “How long do you think those camera men were following us?”

  “Since ten thirty four,” replied Super Lizard.

  “That’s pretty specific.”

  “Well that’s when I first saw them.”

  “What? Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Well, they kept hiding when I looked around, I thought they didn’t want to be noticed.”

  “Didn’t want to be noticed! They blew our cover, the search is probably plastered all over the news. The White Steed knew our plans all along, he left the area to return to his secret hideout.”

  “Oh, sorry, I just thought they were doing their job.”

  Tanooki leapt to his feet, realised he was on a moving bus, stumbled a bit then managed to plant them securely on the floor. “Stop this bus,” he yelled. The bus carried on, “I said, STOP THIS BUS.” The bus carried on.

  Tanooki charged down the aisle, bent forward to talk to the bus driver but before he could open his mouth the driver tapped a sign, ‘do not speak to the driver whilst the vehicle is in motion, this may distract him/her and cause an accident.’

  Tanooki paused, unsure what to do next. He turned and caught the eye of the old lady who had been at the bus stop. She must have climbed aboard in the commotion. She point towards a yellow button on a pole attached to her seat. Tanooki looked confused, he could not press that and wait for the next stop, this was an urged matter. He thought some more, the old lady shook her head and pressed the button three times in quick succession. The wheels screeched as the bus came to a halt, this was followed by a short scream.

  Tanooki pulled himself back up the steps he had just been catapulted down. “We need to commandeer this vehicle,” he managed. “We are on an important mission to capture a villain so dastardly that just the mention of his name would keep you up all night.”

  “Erm,” said the bus driver, “I have a schedule to keep to, I suppose I can let you off to walk from here.”

  “Walk, crime fighters do not walk.”

  “Technically we do,” Super Lizard added.

  “Well yes,” Tanooki shouted back down the bus, “but I am trying to get us to the secret lair as quickly as possible.”

  “But we don’t know where the secret lair is,” came the reply.

  “Oh….yeah,” Tanooki turned back to the bus driver, “sorry to have bothered you kind sir, you may continue on your journey.”

  With a grumble from the driver the bus started up once more.

  ~

  “Look at this,” Tanooki was irate. He thrust the newspaper into Super Lizard’s face, “how can you find a criminal when the papers splash your business all across the front page?”

  The walk home had been solemn and quiet, Tanooki had read the whole report twice and let out grunts of disapproval every few seconds.

  “But I thought you wanted to be famous?” Super Lizard was confused, he couldn’t get the hang of Tony, erm he meant Tanooki, at times. He kept changing his mind. He was happy then sad, wanted worldwide exposure then to be left at home, they once went out for dinner and he wanted pizza then a burger. Super Lizard thought the last one was just greedy.

  “It is the principle,” Tanooki replied, “yeah we want to be recognised and rewarded for saving the common people but when we are on a top secret mission they need to leave us alone.”

  “But they didn’t know we were on a top secret mission.”

  Tanooki held up his hands, “I’m wear the gloves aren’t I?”

  “Yeah, but that was just a silly…”

  Tanooki raised a finger, “do not question things you don’t understand.”

  “Sorry,” Super Lizard felt stupid, sometimes he just did not know why people did certain things, life could be so simple but some people made it far too hard to understand.

  “It’s ok,” Tanooki conceded. “I just want to get home and have a bath.”

  “I got that bubble bath you wanted.”

  “The nice relaxing one that makes a mountain of bubbles,” it was the first time Tanooki had been excited in hours.

  “Yeah, it was buy one get one free.”

  “You better not have got the mermaid.”

  “No, I got the sailor and the pirate.”

  “The pirate,” Tanooki jumped for joy, “I’m having the pirate.”

  “Well I wanted that one but I suppose I’ll have the sailor.”

  “You can have the pirate next time.”

  “When do you want me to run your bath?”

  “Oh, I think I’ll wait till after tea if that’s ok. What are we having?”

  “I defrosted some chicken, was thinking of a stir fry.”

  “Mushrooms?”

  “I think we have some left.”

  “This day just gets better.”

  The inane babble that is commonplace amongst people who live together continued for some time. They were just passing the New Rise Petrol Station, about to turn down the street towards their house when they heard a shout, “so here they are, mouse boy and scaly man.”

  Super Lizard and Tanooki turned to see a boy standing on top of the office attached to the petrol station. He was forcing a laugh, trying to sound menacing as if he was some evil genius. The effect was destroyed by the squeaking in his voice at it attempted to break.

  “What did you call us?” Tanooki’s eyes narrowed as if he was ready for attack.

  The boy repeated with emphasis, missing the fact that the comment had not been funny the first time, “mouse boy and scaly man.”

  Tanooki took a step forward, gritting his teeth before he was stopped in his tracks by Super Lizard’s response. Once again the ten foot lizard was confused by human behaviour and did not hear the jibe in the original comment. “Well, actually he is dressed as a tanuki, a type of raccoon dog native to Japan and made popular by the Super Mario series of games. It is actually a type of canid and closely related to foxes and some breeds of dog. There is no connection at all between any mouse or other rodent. Sorry to have to point that out but I do think it will help you not to make the mistake in the future.”

  There was a pause before the boy retorted in a juvenile
voice, “well sorry Wikipedia.”

  “Come down here and say that,” Tanooki replied in a threatening, non-super hero style voice.

  “No,” was all the boy said in a mocking tone.

  “Right then, we’re coming to get you.”

  The boy just laughed. Super Lizard and Tanooki circled the office, then went back again. They circled once more, looked confused then Super Lizard said, “erm, excuse me, but how exactly do we get up there?”

  “Oh, yeah,” the boy replied, “there is a door around the back, just walk up the stairs, first room on the left and there is a hatch in the ceiling, if you use the ladder in the corner of the room you should be up here in no time.”

  The heroes walked around the back and saw a plastic door with carved glass in it, with no time to waste they tried the handle. They tried it a second time, then a third. “Err, sorry to bother you again but the door appears to be locked.”

  “Oh, yes, my Dad says I am always to lock it behind me.” They boy produced some keys from somewhere on his personage, although with a lack of pockets in his costume and the limited clutching power of his hooves it was unclear from were. He threw them down, narrowly missing Super Lizard and Tanooki, “can you lock it behind you? I don’t want to get into trouble.”

  Tanooki quickly unlocked the door. When both were in he locked it behind him and the chase was, once again, back on. The two heroes rushed up the stairs, turned into the room on the left and climbed the ladder on to the roof.

  After a few seconds catching their breath Tanooki said, “so you are the dastardly fiend we were sent to apprehend.”

  “From my point of view,” replied the boy, “you are the dastardly ones.”

  “Oh yeah, and why do you think that?”

  “Because….because….I don’t know, that’s just what you’re supposed to say as a super villain.”

  Super Lizard, always the helping hand, aided the would be criminal, “you could say that you are entrenched in a corrupt system.”

  “Err, what?”

  “You know, we follow the rules but they are made by a Government that are out of touch with the people and are all power mad so create said rules to get their own way and further their material gain.”

  “Yeah, what he said,” The White Steed pointed towards Super Lizard.

  “Whilst we’re at it,” Tanooki said, “why are you standing on top of a garage?”

  “Well I needed to see when you would come home and my Dad owns this petrol station, given its location I thought it would be a good vantage point.”

  “Oh, you’re that sort of super villain, your only power is that you’re rich. Why is it always the rich ones that turn to evil?”

  “Being rich is just a bonus, there are plenty of rich super heroes as well.”

  “Yeah, like who?”

  The White Steed counted on his fingers, “Batman, Iron Man, Mr Fantastic, Professor X.”

  “Oh, yeah, well anyway it explains why you use such long words, I’ll bring a dictionary next time.”

  “If only you would bring your brain then this would be a fair fight.”

  “If only you brought your Dad then maybe we would have some trouble. Ow,” something bounced off Tanooki’s head.

  “You leave my Dad out of this.”

  Tanooki bent down and picked up the item that had been thrown at him, it was a small cardboard shape, “why did you just throw a cardboard cut-out of a cat’s head at me?”

  “It’s a horse!”

  Tanooki spun the disc in his hand, “no, it is definitely a cat, you need to go back to art class. You said you were rich, why not use metal?” Tanooki flipped the cardboard cat/horse thing over again, “you’ve cut this out of a pack of Rice Crispies.”

  In a matter of fact way The White Steed said, “The money is in a trust fund, I’m not allowed to touch it till I am 18, but world domination will not wait.”

  “World dominitaiton,” Tanooki was shocked, “what are you going to do, bore people to death with your long words or pour Rice Crispies on them from a great height? I am sure everyone is trembling in their boots.”

  “I will have my revenge.”

  “Revenge, you need to have done something first to get revenge.”

  “It is a metaphorical revenge.”

  “Against what?”

  “Everything.”

  “That’s a cop out, you’re against everything, so your against the sky, are you against the sky?”

  “No.”

  “The grass?”

  “Well I do get Hay Fever but no.”

  “Cars?”

  “No.”

  “Ice Cream?”

  “No.”

  “Fizzy drinks, that’s it, you’re against fizzy drinks.”

  “Well, no, I quite like fizzy drinks.”

  “Crisps, those evil crisps that plot against you.”

  “You’re being silly now.”

  “Pop music.”

  “Ah ha, yes, you see I like rock music, I am against pop music.”

  “So, you’re a super villain because you hate pop music?”

  “Well, no….but….oh shut up!”

  “Erm,” Super Lizard tapped Tanooki on the shoulder, “aren’t we supposed to bring him back to the Police Station? Don’t you think we should ask him to come with us?”

  “Ask! He is a villain, we need to take him with force.”

  “But that’s not very nice.”

  “Ok, I’ll ask him. What was his name again?”

  “The White Steed.”

  “The White Steed,” Tanooki said in a shocked tone rather more loudly that he meant to.

  “And what is wrong with that?” The White Steed replied having heard the comment.

  “Well, it’s a bit super heroey. Something like The Black Stallion is bit more of a villian’s name.”

  “Ok, I am not The White Steed, I am The Black Stallion.”

  “But you’re wearing all white.”

  “Oh man, I spend three days sowing this head on.”

  “That’s a head? I thought you were wearing a backpack.”

  “You have insulted me one too many times, now you will feel my wrath.”

  “Ow, seriously stop throwing those. Haven’t you get some other kind of cunning plan rather than just chucking cereal boxes at us?”

  “I was hoping the Steed Discs would be enough.”

  “Please,” Tanooki turned to Super Lizard, “can we just grab him now?”

  “Ask nicely,” came the reply.

  “We don’t need to ask nicely when they are super villains.”

  “Manners cost nothing.”

  “This is a dangerous situation not Sunday dinner with your mum.”

  “It is still important to do things right.”

  “Yes,” said Tanooki in frustration, “in this case force is the right way to apprehend a super villain.”

  “Yes I know but we don’t have to be rough on him, remember Chief Inspector Langley said no violence.”

  “I hardly think grabbing him is violence.”

  “Well it’s not very nice.”

  “Ok, ok, we’ll ask him nicely then.” Tanooki turned to The Dark Stallion, who was no longer there, “right we are….oh he’s gone.”

  A murmuring came from below, “ow, ow…..I jumped off the building to make my escape and I think I’ve broken my ankle.”

  ~

  It was getting dark now, the hospital was much farther than they had expected.

  “I don’t see why we couldn’t have called an ambulance,” Tanooki sulked.

  “Real heroes do what is right,” replied Super Lizard as he clutched The Black Stallion in his arms, “we don’t want to waste the ambulance crew’s time when there are more important calls for them to attend to.”

  Tanooki was having none of it, “but we would be home by now eating dinner. I’m going to miss Doctor Who as well, there’s a rerun of series 7 starting tonight and you know that’s my favourite series ye
t.”

  “I’ll buy you the DVD boxset.”

  “Really?” Tanooki was like an excited school child again.

  “Well, I would if I had any money.”

  “When does this super hero stuff start paying?”

  “Were are in this to help our fellow man.”

  “You’re not a man.”

  “Were are in this to help our fellow….err….things.”

  “You know the worst bit, why won’t any of these guys give us a lift?” Tanooki pushed a thumb behind him to the crowd of onlookers. There were TV crews, radio interviewers, fans dressed in homemade costumes, people shouting abuse and an old couple who were unsure what was happening but felt it best to follow the crowd. All at once shouts and screams came their way but there were too many to decipher a single one. Camera flashes went off once more, blinding Super Lizard who had only just managed not to laser the odd person due to the shock of the situation.

  They made it to Accident and Emergency and the sanctity it offered inside. Showing some respect their entourage refrained from coming in. Super Lizard did not need to push through the crowd inside, they simply parted to let him through, staring into his face in pure awe. He got to the front desk and a nurse looked up and grinned at him, “wow,” she managed as the ten foot Lizard towered over her.

  “Hello, this young man has had an accident, we think he might have broken his ankle.”

  The nurse was a little lost for words as stared into his large eyes. “Erm….yeah….sorry….can I have a name?”

  “The Dark Stallion,” came through a groan of pain from the boy in Super Lizard’s arms.

  “A real name,” replied the nurse.

  “That is on a need to know basis,” this was once again through gritted teeth.

  “Now,” said Super Lizard in a motherly tone, “they can’t help you if you don’t tell them your real name.”

  “Martin Watson.”

  “And your date of birth?” the nurse continued.

  “8th December 2000,” The Dark Stallion said.

  “And your address.”

  “Do we have to continue this? I demand to be seen right now.”

  “I’m afraid that I can’t move you up the queue until your injuries have been assessed.”

  “These peasants, they just infuriate me.”

  “Excuse me but I am just doing my job, the quicker you give me the details I need the quicker you will be seen.”

  “Argh, foul woman, when I control this world you will be the first on my list.”

  “Now, now,” Super Lizard’s motherly tone was back, “just tell the nice nurse where you live and we can get you seen to.”