by Donna Alward
“You knew this was going to happen.”
“But not now. Not...yet.”
She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t. But she’d felt so alive the past few weeks. He’d made her laugh. Challenged her. Kissed her in the middle of the street and bought her ice cream. She’d seen the pictures he’d taken on top of the mountain. Of her. Almost all of her.
Light began to glimmer, along with a little hope. “Do you love me, Drew?”
His lips dropped open in surprise. “What?”
“Do. You. Love. Me.” She said each word deliberately. “Is that what has you running?”
He swallowed, his throat bobbing, while her heart beat crazily in her chest. “No,” he whispered, the word filling the car with finality. “And today I realized you will always be the woman who wants to put down roots. To have the place to belong you never had. That’s not me, Harper, and I can’t lead you on and let you pretend it is. I’m always going to be the one who needs to keep moving. I can’t be fenced in.”
“Why? What scares you so much?”
He didn’t answer, and she knew he wasn’t going to, either. It was what it was and nothing she said would change it.
“Those women...the bride wants babies right away. They’re buying a house two blocks from her parents and he’s working for an insurance company. My God, that’s my worst nightmare.”
Anger started to seep in past the confusion and hurt. “Did I ever say I wanted any of that?”
“No, but you do want roots. You made that clear. Your life is here. You finally have a home.”
“And would living here be so bad? You’d be close to your brother. In the mountains. You’d have a store here.”
She took a pause and added, “And I’d be here.”
“So you do want it, even if you didn’t say it.”
“Maybe,” she shot back. “But I knew you didn’t. So I never brought it up. I feel like you’re blaming me for something I didn’t even do.”
The interior of the car went silent and they both stared out the window. Yes, she’d fallen in love with him, but she’d never made any demands. She’d known better. And instead he’d turned around and ruined what might have been a few wonderful last days together.
That was what she’d wanted. No unrealistic expectations. But a perfect week of happiness. Something to show her she was worth it. Instead she got this. Excuses because he was afraid.
She turned in her seat and looked over at him. For years she’d closed herself off from feeling. Don’t get wrapped up in someone and they can’t hurt you. She’d done it as a girl with friends. As a teen and then a young woman with relationships—she’d always been the first to leave or break it off so she was in control of the hurting. Jared’s abandonment had only confirmed that philosophy.
But that was over. It wasn’t living. She’d started to learn with her friendship with Adele, and maybe it was the emotions stirred up by the pregnancy or just her time with Drew, but she wasn’t going to close herself off anymore. She was going to feel, dammit.
Feel everything. Even when it hurt.
“If this is it, Drew, then I’m going to be honest with you. I think you’re being a coward right now. I think you care and you’re running scared. Or maybe to you I’m not worth it. I know how I feel. You told me that I wasn’t plain or ordinary. That I was kind and generous. You made me feel like I could finally step out from behind the lens and be me. And you made me fall in love with you. I’m not afraid to say it. I thought I would be, but I’m not anymore.” She took a big breath. “I love you, and I never once considered asking you for more because it would mean asking you to stop being you. So don’t put this on me, okay? If you want to be done, say so. I never put any pressure on you for more and we both know it.”
His jaw tightened and silence dropped like a hammer in the car. She knew he couldn’t say those words back. The longer he was silent, the more horrible it became. Finally he was able to form a few words. “I think I should go back to the hotel now. I can walk back if you don’t want to drive.”
That was it? She said I love you and she got nothing? Worse than nothing. She turned the key in the ignition and the engine came to life. “I’ll take you.” Inside she was crumbling, but only a little. Not because she was wrong, but because she was sad that this was the way it was ending. He wouldn’t even talk.
The drive took about a minute and a half, but it felt much longer as neither of them spoke on the way. She parked in the passenger drop-off and left the engine running, though she put the car in Park.
“Harper... I didn’t want it to end like this. I swear I didn’t. I thought I could do this week and just walk away. But it’s not fair. Not to you, not to me. We were fooling ourselves, you know? I don’t want this to end with you angry with me.”
She looked over at him, frustrated and sad and disappointed and a lot of other emotions she couldn’t sort through yet. “I am angry with you, Drew. You were the one who pursued me. Who kissed me. Who made me believe I could step outside myself and take a chance. You whisked me off in a helicopter and took me to dinner and invited me to your hotel room. And now you’re the one backing away. I’m disappointed. Not because we’re over, because I always knew we would be. But because you freaked out at a stupid wedding and did it this way.”
“I don’t want it to be like this. I want us to part with a smile and good wishes. Please, Harper. Understand I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt you.”
She felt a trembling start inside and braced herself against it, wanting to be alone when the crying started. “It’s too late for that,” she answered, staring at a nick on the leather of the steering wheel.
He cursed beneath his breath, then undid his seat belt.
He was leaving. Walking away, just like everyone else. Not the way they’d agreed, but on his terms, because once again she didn’t matter. Not enough. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...love had made a fool of her again. And still, she couldn’t bring herself to regret it.
Her breath caught in her chest, strangling her.
He got out, then looked inside at her, his eyes sad and lips drooping. “I’m sorry, Harper, I really never wanted to hurt you. I think this is for the best. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.”
For him. And that was fine. She’d relied on herself for a long time, and she’d do so again.
“Goodbye, Drew,” she said, a hitch in her voice.
After a long moment, he sighed. “Bye, Harper.”
He straightened and shut the door. For one prolonged second, she hesitated, wanting him to open the door and say it was all a mistake. That he loved her, too, that he was sorry for being afraid and a jerk and that he wanted to go home with her and make everything right.
But that wasn’t Drew. It never had been, and she knew it, so she resolutely put the car in gear and pulled away.
And she didn’t look in the rearview mirror, either.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
DREW HAD ASKED Dan to drive him to the airport. There was no reason to stay in Banff any longer; any business with the building purchase could easily be handled from Sacramento. He’d been staying mostly to handle things in person and be close to Harper, but now he knew it was time to go.
Dan pulled up to the hotel entrance and got out of his car. “Hey, brother. This is everything?”
He tended to travel light. There was one suitcase, and his backpack that doubled as a carry-on. “This is it. Thanks for the lift.” He’d had his rental picked up last night. And he could have hired a car service, but he felt the need to see his brother before leaving again.
“No problem. I’m going into the office a little later, is all.”
Drew had found an earlier flight even though it wasn’t as convenient a route. The sooner he got back, the better. He could get his life back to normal.
They loaded his bags and then headed toward Cal
gary. A light mist was falling, giving the day a grey, dismal feeling. Drew seemed to remember high school English and something about rain and sad bits of stories being pathetic fallacy. Whatever. She’d called him a coward and maybe she was right. But mostly he figured she represented everything he didn’t want for himself. This was for the best.
Except he couldn’t stop thinking of the words she’d said. I love you had come out of her lips and had rattled him right to his shoes. Because being with her was the closest he’d ever come to uttering those same words.
I love you didn’t mean enjoying each other for two weeks. It meant a much bigger investment and much bigger stakes. And for all his success, Drew knew one thing. He took only calculated risks. This one had volatility written all over it.
“You’re awfully quiet.”
“Just thinking of everything I have to do when I get back.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm?” Drew looked over at his brother.
“What happened between you and Harper? Because something did, didn’t it?”
Irritation flared, and Drew’s lips thinned. “So what if it did? Harper’s her own woman.”
Dan’s brows knit together. “She is, and that’s your way of telling me to mind my own business. Except Harper is my business, in a way.”
“No, she’s not.” Drew remembered all of Harper’s frustrated sighs and irritation blossomed into indignation. “You might have a baby in her belly, but she’s not yours to command, brother.”
Dan’s lips dropped open. “Holy hell. Where did that come from? Did I say I wanted to ‘command’ her? And there’s no need to be so crude. She’s our surrogate. It’s not like I slept with her, for God’s sake.”
Drew tried to get a rein on his temper. Only part of it was Dan; he was also mad at himself for being an idiot. For starting something in the first place. He’d been a fool, thinking he could do something like that and come away unscathed. Because even though leaving was the only solution, he still knew he’d hurt her, and that had been the last thing he wanted. This was exactly why he didn’t do relationships.
When Drew didn’t answer, Dan let out a slow breath. “Harper is Adele’s best friend. So yeah, I’m a bit protective.”
“Oh, come on, Dan. You weren’t anything like this at the wedding and I made no secret of flirting. The difference now is that she’s carrying a baby for you and somehow that means you and Adele have felt like you have a say in everything she does.”
“If you mean I didn’t want her to get hurt when you left, you’re right. We all knew you’d be picking up and leaving again, whenever the fancy struck you.”
That stung. It made him sound unreliable, which he wasn’t.
“It’s more than having to do with me.” He tightened his fingers into fists, trying to measure his words better. “All of a sudden you guys were watching what she ate and where she went and if she was okay going on a hike she’s done a zillion times. For God’s sake, do you think she’d be careless or take unnecessary chances? But all you guys do is hover. And I know this is important to you. This is your baby and a bit of a miracle. Harper gets that, too. But I’ve watched you guys over the last few weeks. You treat her like you don’t trust her, or you act like she isn’t even there.”
Dan’s face was blanked with surprise. “That’s not true.”
“She’s carrying this baby, Dan. It’s part of her. She gets attached, too, you know. All this is happening to her, but sometimes you leave her out of the equation. She told me about the day you heard the heartbeat. She was really moved by it, and you and Adele acted as if she wasn’t even there. Like the sum total of her purpose was her uterus. And she’s more than that. So very much more.”
She was everything. He swallowed thickly.
Silence overtook the vehicle, and Drew wondered if he’d pushed his brother too far. When he finally chanced a look over at Dan’s profile, he saw his brother’s throat bobbing as if he was trying to swallow a lump the size of an egg.
“We got too caught up in ourselves,” Dan finally whispered.
“Well, do better. She’s given up a lot to give you this gift, and I know the baby is important, but you guys seem to have forgotten all the other good things about her. Do you ever talk about anything other than the baby when you’re together?”
Dan’s cheeks coloured. He looked over at Drew. “Are you in love with her?”
It was Drew’s turn to swallow. “No,” he lied softly. “And even if I was, she needs someone better than me. She wants a home and stability and someone like you, Dan. Who’ll be willing to stay in one place and settle down. That’s not me. It wouldn’t work and we’d only end up hurting each other.”
More silence, and then Dan spoke up. “You know, at one point Adele and I nearly didn’t get back together. It wasn’t until I realized that I would do anything to see her happy that it all came together. You’re putting her feelings first, Drew. That sounds like love to me.”
Drew scoffed, hoping his big brother was wrong. “After a few weeks? Please. Anyway, I’ve got to get back to run my business. Plus I have a trip booked at the end of August. There’s a lot to do between now and then. I can’t lounge around a resort town indefinitely.”
He knew he sounded churlish, but he couldn’t help it. He believed only about half of what he was saying and he was pretty sure Dan wasn’t buying it all, either. But it didn’t matter. He was getting on that plane today and they would all get back to normal.
Except he couldn’t forget how she’d looked the night before last when she’d dropped him off at the hotel.
I love you, and I never once considered asking you for more because it would mean asking you to stop being you. So don’t put this on me, okay? If you want to be done, just say so. I never put any pressure on you for more and we both know it.
He did know it. And it was why he felt so crappy. She’d accepted him as he was, without reservation, even after all her hurts and insecurities.
And he’d done nothing but blame her for hers.
She was better off without him.
January
When the pains started, Harper was at the studio, editing Juny’s photos from a New Year’s wedding.
When her water broke, she was back at home, thinking the contractions had been more Braxton Hicks, and she’d made herself a bowl of vegetable soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for supper. The moment it happened she’d had a fleeting bit of panic, and then she’d picked up the phone, called Dan and Adele, and prepared for the trip to the hospital. The wait was nearly over, and soon she would have the baby and put her in Adele’s arms and go back to her previously scheduled life.
For a moment, emotion washed over her and she wanted to cling to these last moments, despite the pain, despite the discomfort of the last few weeks of pregnancy, despite everything. She and this baby had made a nine-month journey together. It was nearly over and to her surprise, she wasn’t quite ready. She ran her hand over her engorged stomach, memorizing the hardness, closing her eyes and imprinting this moment to keep close to her heart for always. “I love you, little one,” she whispered. “You’re gonna see your mama and daddy soon. But I’m always going to be here for you, you’ll see.”
And then her body took over and she couldn’t think of anything except breathing through the contractions as she waited for Dan and Adele to arrive.
The drive to the hospital was a blur, though she felt a moment of thanks when she realized the flurries of earlier had stopped and the roads were clear. Dan drove and Adele sat in the back with her, holding her hand, watching her closely and timing contractions. When a pain hit, they breathed together, and Harper felt tears burn her eyelids.
This was such a huge moment. She’d wanted to do this for her friends so badly, but she’d grossly underestimated how difficult it would be to separate herself from the baby that wasn’t hers. In the end, D
an and Adele would go home, a complete little family, and she’d be alone...again.
“You hang in there,” Adele soothed, rubbing Harper’s hand. “I’m here. You squeeze as hard as you need.”
Harper gasped and laughed. “I’ll break your fingers. Just keep talking to me. It helps.”
“You bet.” Adele let out a long breath, and Harper followed her lead. She looked up as the contraction waned and Adele cleared her throat. “Harper...” Her voice was thick. “I know things got a little weird in the beginning, and it seemed I thought more about the baby than I did about you.” When Harper started to protest, Adele shook her head. “No, don’t say it’s not true. Drew said as much to Dan at the time, and brought us to our senses.”
At the mention of Drew’s name, a familiar pain shot to her chest. She pushed it aside.
“We were insensitive, you know? And excited and scared and overwhelmed. But you... Harper, you’re our miracle. You’re a part of our family, and you always will be.”
Harper sniffled a little and squeezed Adele’s hand, gently. “And you’re my family, too,” she whispered. “The kind you choose, you know? Besides, I forgot all about that months ago. Going through this with you...it’s been a blessing and a privilege.”
There wasn’t much time to talk about it more as another contraction hit, faster than before. They got to the hospital and were taken straight to a room. Nurses bustled in and got her into a gown, hooked up a fetal monitor and checked her progress. With her pains only four minutes apart, things were moving along so quickly she could barely catch her breath.
“You had pains all day, didn’t you?” the kind nurse said, reading the results of the monitor.
“They started this morning. I thought they were more Braxton Hicks.”
“You should have called!” Adele chided, sitting on the side of the bed and tucking a stray piece of hair behind Harper’s ear. Dan stood behind, looking slightly out of place. But Harper knew he wanted to be here and so she sent him a smile.
