The Empress's Tomb

by Kirsten Miller

  Oona rolled her eyes and gazed at the ceiling. I took the chair as far away from her as possible. DeeDee rapped at the bathroom door, and Iris’s little blond head peeked out into the lab.

  “Are they all here?” she whispered to DeeDee. “Can we start now?”

  “We can hear you, Iris,” Oona called. DeeDee shot her a nasty look.

  “Yes, everyone’s here,” she told Iris. The bathroom door closed again while DeeDee took a seat.

  Exactly ten seconds later (she must have been counting), Iris made her entrance. She was wearing an enormous white lab coat that reached down to her ankles and a set of orange-tinted safety goggles. Her hair had been pulled into an official-looking bun.

  Oona cracked up. “Why didn’t anybody tell me it was Halloween?” she cackled.

  “What’s wrong with you?” DeeDee snarled.

  “SHHHH!” Kiki insisted.

  Iris did her best to ignore the commotion. “Good evening, fellow Irregulars.”

  “Hey, Iris,” said Betty. In honor of Iris’s big day, she was dressed in a vintage Chanel suit and wearing her favorite red wig.

  “Thanks for coming today. I hope you all find my presentation both entertaining and educational.” Iris opened a cabinet and retrieved a silver serving tray. On top of it sat two crystal bottles filled with amber liquid.

  Luz turned to DeeDee. “What’s that, more perfume?”

  “Iris will be answering your questions tonight,” DeeDee responded.

  “So you’ve been making perfume?” Luz asked Iris with a yawn. She had little interest in anything girly.

  “You could say that.” Iris forced back a grin.

  “Can I smell it?” asked Betty, eager to play along.

  “Sorry, Betty. I was hoping Oona would be the first to try my new creation. I call it Fille Fiable.”

  “Forget it, Iris. I’m already wearing perfume,” said Oona. “I had it custom made by a professional nose, and it cost four hundred dollars an ounce. I’m not interested in smelling like a chemistry lab.”

  “I understand completely.” When Iris appeared to take the insult with good humor, I began to get worried. “What if I put a little on my own wrist and let you take a whiff?”

  “Iris … ,” said DeeDee in a warning tone. I saw one of Kiki’s eyebrows rise.

  “It’s okay, DeeDee,” Iris insisted. “Oona doesn’t have to wear it to appreciate it.”

  “I’m sure I’ll survive,” said Oona, rolling her eyes and rising from her chair.

  Iris chose one of the crystal bottles from the tray. Pulling back the sleeve of her lab coat, she dabbed a little liquid on her forearm and waved it in the air before offering her arm to Oona. Oona bent down and inhaled deeply. Her nose instantly wrinkled in disgust.

  “I think you need a better name for it,” she said. “How about Eau de BO? It’s almost as foul as your rat-repelling perfume.”

  Iris nodded thoughtfully. “I thought you might say that. It’s just not special enough for a girl with your taste. I mean, look at you. Those must be real diamond earrings you’re wearing, right?”

  “Two carats each,” Oona bragged. Everyone has a weakness, but Oona had more than her fair share. At the top of a list that included alligator handbags and cashmere socks, was diamonds.

  “They’re nice,” said Iris, making it perfectly clear that she meant the opposite. “But they make you look a little cheap. I think they’d look better on Ananka, don’t you?”

  The rest of us held our breath, waiting for the carnage to begin. I slid forward on my seat, preparing to leap to Iris’s rescue. That’s when Oona surprised us all.

  “You know, you’re right,” she agreed. “I always thought they were kind of tacky. Want them, Ananka?” She took the diamonds out of her ears and tossed them into my lap.

  “And that dress,” said Iris. “It’s not very flattering. I read in Vogue last week that it’s much more fashionable to wear just a slip during the day.”

  “Really?” said Oona. “I must have missed that issue. Do you think I should take the dress off? I have a slip on underneath. But won’t it be a little chilly?”

  “Cold, shmold,” Iris declared. “A girl should be willing to suffer for fashion.”

  “I couldn’t agree more!” announced Oona, stripping out of her dress. She posed in front of us in a hot-pink slip. “How’s this? Fabulous, right?”

  Luz fell out of her chair, laughing.

  “Are you on drugs, Lopez?” Oona snipped. “Whatever. I wouldn’t expect a girl who dresses like Mr. Goodwrench to understand.”

  “Um, Iris,” I said, choking down a guffaw. “How far are you going to take this?” Iris ignored me.

  “You look great, Oona. After the meeting, we should go over to your house and get rid of all the ugly stuff in your closet. By the way, I’ve always wondered where you live. Nobody’s ever been to your house, right? Why don’t you tell us about it?”

  “That’s enough,” Kiki barked before Oona had a chance to speak. She picked up Oona’s dress and handed it to her. “Go to the bathroom and put your clothes back on,” she instructed.

  “But that dress is hideous!” Oona moaned.

  “Trust me,” Kiki insisted.

  Once Oona shut the bathroom door, Kiki slid a proud arm around Iris.

  “Impressive,” she said. “Cruel, but impressive.”

  “Thanks!” chirped Iris. “Oona was begging for it.”

  “True, but I hope you didn’t take it too far. You don’t want Oona as an enemy. Did you know about this, DeeDee?”

  DeeDee smiled. “No, but I agree with Iris. Oona’s been asking for it.”

  “I’m with DeeDee. Nobody’s made me laugh that hard in months,” said Luz. “So the perfume can make people do what you want?”

  “I wish. Fille Fiable just makes people trust you. If you give them a nose full, they’re more willing to tell you their secrets—or believe whatever you tell them,” Iris explained.

  “How long does it take to wear off?” I asked.

  “Only a couple of minutes,” DeeDee assured me. “Oona should be coming to her senses soon.”

  I looked at Iris. “In that case, I would recommend running for your life.”

  The bathroom door banged against the wall, making DeeDee’s glass beakers tinkle. For a moment, I thought I might have to break up a brawl, but Oona simply walked up to me and snatched her diamonds.

  “Funny trick,” she muttered to no one in particular before she stormed out of the attic and down the stairs.

  As the rest of us stood speechless, Betty and DeeDee sprinted after Oona.

  “Uh-oh,” said Luz, digging her hands deep into the pockets of her jumpsuit. “Looks like Oona just overdosed on her own medicine.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings,” cried Iris. “I was just trying to pay her back for all the times she’s made fun of me.”

  “You must have hit a weak spot,” I said. “She’ll forgive you.”

  “You think so?” Iris asked hopefully.

  “Sure.” My lie wasn’t convincing, and Iris started to sniffle just as Betty and DeeDee returned, out of breath.

  “She won’t come back,” DeeDee announced. “Let’s get on with the show. I’ve had enough of Oona today anyway. Actually, I can barely remember when I wasn’t sick of Oona. If you ask me, the girl’s more trouble than she’s worth.” DeeDee clapped a hand over her mouth. “Whoa—did I just say that? That perfume really loosens your tongue.”

  “Oona’s just upset,” said Betty. “Something’s not right. She’s been acting strange all week. Don’t you think we should postpone the meeting?”

  “We can’t,” said Kiki. “Let’s let Iris finish her presentation. Then the rest of us have important business to discuss. I’ll speak to Oona tonight. She’ll come around. We’re going to need her help. Iris? Are you ready?”

  A slightly teary-eyed Iris returned to her presentation.

  “Um. Where was I? Okay. After the perfume my
parents brought back from Borneo worked so well on the rats, I started thinking about other things I could make. Then I read in the newspaper about these scientists in Switzerland who had come up with a spray that makes people seem trustworthy. When I told DeeDee about it, she offered to help me improve their formula.”

  “The Swiss had been using oxytocin, a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland, which functions as a neurotransmitter …,” DeeDee began.

  “Could you try speaking English?” I asked.

  “Sure.” DeeDee grinned. “For those of you who prefer to sleep through biology class, oxytocin is a chemical in our bodies that helps us bond with other people. It’s part of what helps us fall in love. But in small doses, it makes you trust the people around you. For instance, oxytocin is one of the reasons that girls like to gossip and swap secrets. It’s good stuff. We didn’t need to change the Swiss formula; we just made it a little more powerful. That’s how we came up with Fille Fiable.

  “We tested our first batch at a movie theater down the street. There were only R-rated movies playing, and I thought we might be able to convince the people at the ticket counter that Iris was seventeen. It wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had. The woman selling tickets was behind two inches of glass and she couldn’t smell the perfume. But the people standing in line behind us were so outraged when we couldn’t get in that they demanded to see the manager.”

  “They were soooo nice.” Iris was starting to enjoy the presentation again.

  “They got banned from the theater,” said DeeDee. “Iris and I had to book it before the perfume wore off and they figured out they were fighting to let an eleven-year-old watch a dirty movie.”

  Iris jumped in. “But then I came up with another way to test the perfume. My dad once told me that there are hundreds of dinosaurs in the basement of the Museum of Natural History that nobody ever gets to see. So DeeDee and I talked one of the security guards into taking us on a tour.”

  “It’s a little more complicated than that,” DeeDee explained. “You’ve got to be careful with the formula. You can’t just make up something that’s one hundred percent unbelievable. We couldn’t tell the guard that we were visiting paleontology professors or anything, so we came up with something a little more realistic. We told him that Iris’s father was doing research in the dinosaur archives and that we needed to let him know that Iris’s mom was about to have a baby.”

  “We said his cell phone was turned off,” Iris added.

  “It worked perfectly. The guard took us through the whole basement. Iris was right. I couldn’t believe what they have stored down there. We saw bones that I swear didn’t come from any Earth creature I’ve ever read about. Of course, we had to keep reapplying our Fille Fiable every time the guard turned his back. When we were about to run out, Iris pretended to get a text message that said her dad was already on his way to the hospital.”

  “Smart.” Kiki nodded with approval.

  “So what’s the stuff in the other bottle?” I asked.

  Iris held up the crystal vial. Its amber contents shimmered in the light. “This is Eau Irresistible. Our second masterpiece.”

  “We realized that with a few tweaks, our potion might have other uses,” said DeeDee. “We haven’t tested it yet, but if our calculations are correct, it should live up to its name.”

  “It’s a love potion? Go ahead and spray a little here,” Betty offered, holding out her arm.

  DeeDee shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Like I said, we haven’t tested it yet.”

  “You’ve got to start somewhere,” said Luz. “Betty looks like a pretty good guinea pig to me.”

  “Okay, Betty, but don’t come complaining to me if you start sprouting hair in weird places,” DeeDee warned.

  “Why would I complain about that? Do you know how much a convincing fake mustache costs these days? I’m ready when you are, Iris.”

  Iris removed the bottle’s atomizer and passed it to Betty. “I don’t think you should have a full spritz. DeeDee was kidding about the hair, but it might cause a rash.”

  Betty dabbed a little Eau Irresistible on her wrist and inhaled. “Wow. Smells like feet. Let’s see if it works.” She turned to Luz and batted her false eyelashes. “Do you find me irresistible?” she asked in a sultry voice.

  Luz leaned toward Betty, as if drawn in by the scent of the perfume.

  “You know, Betty, I’ve never met anyone so completely …” Luz paused as if searching for the right word. “Resistible.”

  The rest of us laughed and Betty shrugged.

  “It was worth a try, right? All in the name of science.”

  “Maybe it works only on the opposite sex,” said DeeDee. “Or maybe you didn’t put enough on. We’ll have to do some tests before we know for sure.”

  Iris stepped toward Betty to retrieve the bottle of Eau Irresistible when her foot caught the edge of DeeDee’s rug. Seeing Iris lurch toward her, Betty leaned back too far and her chair toppled over. Kiki snatched the bottle of perfume, but not before most of the contents had spilled. Betty looked up in shock, her red wig drenched with perfume, as the smell of feet filled the room. Iris watched, petrified, as DeeDee grabbed the hair off of Betty’s head and flung it into a corner. Then she dragged Betty to the bathroom and threw her into the shower fully clothed.

  “Rinse off as much of it as you can while you still have your clothes on,” we heard her instruct. “Then go ahead and take a shower. There are towels in the cabinet. I’ll bring you something to wear.”

  “I’m so sorry!” cried Iris as DeeDee closed the door of the bathroom and returned to the lab.

  “Accidents happen,” DeeDee mumbled as she ransacked her closet for clean clothes.

  Iris ran to the bathroom door. “I’m sorry, Betty!” she called through the crack.

  “What about the rest of us?” Luz moaned. “It smells like a giant sweat sock in here.”

  “I’ll open the windows,” I said, pinching my nose.

  “You know, DeeDee, I don’t think applying more of the stuff is going to make it work any better,” Kiki informed our host. “Nobody in this room seems very appealing right now.”

  “Yeah,” DeeDee admitted. “I think it’s back to the drawing board with Eau Irresistible.”

  • • •

  Ten minutes later, Betty emerged from the bathroom and took a seat next to a miserable Iris. She was wearing a chemistry club T-shirt and a pair of DeeDee’s jeans, which were three inches too short and covered with green blotches. Despite her unflattering outfit, it was a little unnerving to see Betty out of disguise. Beneath all the makeup and rubber noses, she was remarkably pretty.

  “I thought your presentation was fascinating,” she said, more concerned about Iris than herself. “Don’t worry about me.”

  “You still stink a little,” sniffled Iris. “It might last a couple of days.”

  “I don’t mind. I’ve got a new garbage collector’s uniform I’ve been dying to try out,” said Betty. “You can learn all sorts of interesting stuff by going through people’s trash. The smell should make the disguise more convincing.”

  “That’s true,” said Iris, perking up a little. She handed Betty a plastic bag. “Luz was going to throw your wig out the window, but I know it’s your favorite, so I saved it. But you might want to wash it before you wear it again.”

  “Or burn it,” said Luz. “Are we done here? I told my mom I’d be home by eight.”

  “Not yet,” Kiki said. “Take a seat. There are a couple more things on the agenda.”

  “Is this about the squirrel attacks?” Betty wondered.

  “You’ve heard about them?” I asked.

  “Sure. A girl at school had her wallet stolen. Everybody was talking about it.”

  “Yeah, some kid was mugged in Morningside Park yesterday,” Luz added. “And a giant squirrel popped up on the window of my friend’s cousin’s dog grooming shop the other night. Those rodents are getting to be a real men
ace.”

  “We’ll look into the squirrel issue later,” said Kiki. “We’ve got bigger problems right now. Ananka, you want to tell them?”

  “Someone’s been inside the Shadow City. Kiki and I were down there last night. First we found one of the doors with a red cross standing open, and then we discovered this.” When I held up the Chinese statue, I saw three girls grimace. They knew it meant trouble, and only Iris seemed prepared for the next adventure to begin.

  “Could it be the Fu-Tsang?” Betty asked. Thanks to Sidonia Galatzina, the gang of Chinese smugglers had made it into the Shadow City once before. “Don’t they smuggle stuff like that?”

  “I doubt it’s the Fu-Tsang,” said Kiki. “Most of them are in jail. The rest are probably too scared of the rats to go back to the tunnels. Three of them did get eaten last time.”

  “Then who do you think it could be?” asked Luz.

  “We don’t know,” I admitted. “We don’t even know how they got inside.”

  “But we have to find out,” Kiki said. “Anyone have any ideas?”

  “I have some motion detectors I just made,” said Luz. “I was going to use them to keep my sisters from snooping through my workshop, but I guess that can wait. I’ll have to make a few more, but it shouldn’t take very long.”

  “When could they be ready?” asked Kiki.

  “If I stay up late, I could have everything done by tomorrow. But there’s one thing I’m gonna need.”

  “What?”

  “If we want to put the motion detectors in all the right places,” said Luz, “I’m going to need the map of the Shadow City.”

  I shuddered when she said it. All summer, I had taken sole responsibility for protecting the map. After all, there were only two copies left in the world. The first unfinished map was on a disk stolen by Sidonia Galatzina. The second was a single sheet of paper that I usually kept tucked away between the pages of Glimpses of Gotham. There were no other copies, no more computer files. After everything that had happened, the Irregulars couldn’t risk letting the final version fall into the wrong hands. I’ve never claimed to possess psychic powers, but the moment the map was no longer in my possession, I knew we were all in trouble.