by S S Bazinet
“I’m not comfortable with any of this mess.”
“You’re still very angry with Arel.”
“Besides infecting me with something I never asked for, something that eventually resulted in my death, Arel still wasn’t content. Right now, I could have my own wings. I could be relaxing on the other side with your kind, in some plush paradise. Instead, I’ve been visiting hell.”
“Not exactly hell. You’ve been caught up in a past life.”
A flush of heat went through William’s body. “I was beginning to suspect that’s what it was.”
“A very harrowing life, I’m sure.”
“If this fever is connected to a past life, why is my body still reacting this way?”
“The physical vessel stores memories, especially traumatic ones.”
“I’ve begun to see faces in the crowd that tormented me. At first they all looked like devils. Finally, I realized that they were demons, but the human kind.”
“And you took some of their lives this time around when you were a young man.”
“Yes, that’s true. I didn’t know the reason I hated them so completely, but it all makes sense now.” He directed his hard gaze at Raphael. “I have no regrets. In fact, I was merciful. Their end came fast. Mine didn’t. When they threw me on that bonfire—” He stopped himself, but not soon enough. His body flushed with a sudden fever. “I want these damn memories to stop.”
Raphael stood up and came over to the bedside. He put his hand on William’s brow. “Let them go. It’s that simple. Make peace with what happened. You’re not that boy anymore.”
Raphael’s touch was cool. A calming rain of energy settled over William, dousing the fires and bringing him a kind of relief he hadn’t felt since the nightmares started.
“Maybe I can let go of those bastards who burned me. They were part of ignorant hordes that still roam this earth. They were sheep reacting to whatever they were taught. But Arel was different. And he’s still tormenting me.”
Raphael stood back. “You want to be free, don’t you, William?”
“Yes, more than anything.”
“Than find a way. Let go of the anger you feel when you think of him.”
“How? I’m used to what people are capable of. But I trusted Arel. Then I find out he’s like the rest of them, a bastard with his own agenda.”
“But he wasn’t responsible for you being burned.”
“He didn’t give a damn about what happened to me!”
“He was—”
“I was just a poor, peasant boy, and I loved him. I worshipped the ground he walked on!” William remembered the man that Arel had been. He looked a little like he looked in this life, only younger. “I followed after him, worshipping him because he was kind. He always found some bit of bread for me, even when he was starving himself. But that night, everything changed. He never even noticed when the mob got hold of me!”
As William recalled being wronged by Arel, the room exploded into a horrific scene from the past. He was the child again. Rough, calloused hands tore at the thin rags he was wearing. Soon, he was nearly naked as they clawed at him for being a friend of the man they were burning. He cried out for pity, begged that they would let him go. When they saw his terror, they laughed, enjoying his dread. It fed their need for punishment. He was lifted high in the air. Skinny and small, he became another piece of tinder for the fire. With a violent effort, he was thrown into the flames. His screams were drowned out by the roar of the crowd as they shouted out in triumph. Another sinner was burning. His hair and skin crackled and blistered. The pain was unbearable. He’d been abandoned by everyone, including the man he loved. While the man’s soul flew upwards, into the heavens, he was left behind. He was totally alone with his burning flesh filling his nostrils. He writhed in an agony that went on forever. “Come back! Don’t leave me!” He tried to scream out, but he was choking on the smoke. His cries were hoarse and useless.
Someone called out to him. “William! Stop!”
“Help me!” he screeched.
A hand reached into the flame and shook him. He saw Raphael standing next to him. The angel shook him again.
“It’s a nightmare. It’s not real!”
The angel’s words were a lifeline in the fires that were consuming him. He grabbed hold of that lifeline as Raphael pulled him out of the flaming past. For a long moment, he lay on the bed, falling apart, crumbling ash on the white, smooth sheets. There was nothing left of him. Yet, he was still alive. He kept coughing, trying to take in shallow breaths until his lungs began to clear. His mind reached out, trying to hang on to anything that might help him fight his way back to reality. Slowly, he started to gather up bits of himself, small remembrances of his present life. One of the first bits was Annabel. He remembered her kiss, her soft lips lingering on his. It was a small exquisite gesture of sweetness that stirred something inside of him. The charred remains of his heart felt a small respite, a tiny hope that life could be good and pure.
When William opened his eyes, Raphael was sitting next to him. His gaze was gentle, with no hint of the malice that he’d just witnessed in the mob. Their eyes were fired by hate and ignorance. Raphael’s peaceful, blue gaze held only care and concern.
“You’re safe, but you have to let go of what happened,” Raphael whispered. “Your rage at Arel is what’s keeping you tethered to the past. It’s time to let it go.” He reached out and put a hand on William’s chest.
William shuttered at first. But when he shut his eyes, he could feel what was lodged in his heart. It was a glowing ember of pain, resurrected from a time when a young boy lost everything. Raphael’s touch began to sooth the spot, to cool it with his healing energy.
“You never have to feel like that little boy again,” Raphael said in a firm, steady voice. “Hold on to the person you are now.”
William nodded as he felt a heavy burden lifting. The memories and the pain he’d just experienced wanted release. It was time to let that life go. When he could catch his breath, he stared back with determination. “You’re right. I’m going back to London and putting all of this behind me.”
A singular thought followed. It was calming to William’s body and his soul. Annabel would be waiting for him.
Forty-Nine
ANNABEL NEARLY PANICKED as she tried to hold all three mice on her lap at the same time. Wolfie and Whiskers were both looking over the edge of her apron. As they got older and bolder, these two were especially adventurous. She used a cautioning hand to push them back to safety and quickly gave all three mice a treat. As each ate their sunflower seed, she put them back, one at a time, in their cage. “You little scamps should follow Squeaky’s example. He’s content to stay close and be petted.”
After securing the door, she picked up the cage from the floor and carried it back to its station on the table. She paused to observe Whiskers. After he finished eating, he went straight into his cleaning routine. He often enjoyed tidying up his cage mates after he was satisfied with himself. Squeaky usually slept through the careful preening sessions, but Wolfie sometimes squeaked out a warning. He’d do his own tidying up, thank you. “My goodness, you two are just like your owners. Maybe you picked up on their energy.”
“They seem to be flourishing,” Raphael said.
Annabel looked up to see him standing a few feet away. “They’re wonderful little creatures. I love having them around.”
“So how is the experiment going?”
“With the mice?”
Raphael chuckled. “With you.”
She smiled broadly. “Oh, you mean my idea to dispense with my angelic abilities while William is away.”
“It’s an interesting concept. Are you enjoying the experience?”
“It’s . . . uh, very different, and in some ways, very limiting.”
“I understand that you’re not using your ability to communicate telepathically.”
“That’s right. At first, it was a bit of a shock. When M
ichael visited, he had a wonderful, but silent, conversation going, and I just stared back at him with a blank expression. I quickly began to understand the narrow field of awareness that humans occupy.”
“Maybe your experiment could be added to our training curriculum.”
Annabel laughed. “I don’t think that many of us would find this kind of experience easy. It would have to be an upper level course.”
“But you seem to be managing.”
Annabel glanced around the large space. She noted the lab area where William loved to work, but her attention quickly wandered over to the living area of the room. She walked over to William’s empty recliner. “There’s something else that I don’t understand. I seem to focus a lot on one subject.”
“William.”
“Yes. Everything I do reminds me of him, whether it’s cleaning the mouse cage or dusting the furniture. I keep wondering how he is. I hope he’s doing well.”
“You’re his angel. It’s only normal that you’re concerned about his welfare. Would you like me to bring you up to date?”
“No, please don’t. I wouldn’t have access to that information if I was strictly human.”
Raphael didn’t comment. Instead he walked over to the mouse cage and peered in for a long moment.
Annabel ran her hand over the top of the recliner and broke the silence. “Of course, I assume that you and Michael and Carey are taking care of my duties now, right?” She frowned after she asked the question. “My goodness, listen to me. Did you notice that my voice has a slight tremor?”
Raphael opened the mouse cage. “Yes, I did notice,” he said as he reached in and slowly ran a finger over Wolfie’s tiny head. The mouse had been busy arranging some of the bedding material, but he stopped his activity and closed his eyes, seeming to enjoy the attention he was getting. Still petting the mouse, Raphael glanced up at Annabel and smiled. “You really like William.”
Annabel walked over to where he was standing and sighed. “I’ve never felt like this before so I don’t know what my feelings mean.”
Raphael withdrew his hand from the mouse cage and locked it again. When he turned his attention to Annabel, his face was bright and searching. “What if William decided to transition to our side of things?”
Annabel didn’t know how to respond to his question. Instead, she took off her apron and folded it carefully. She placed it on the back of the chair and smoothed out a wrinkle. “You mean, how would I feel if he died?”
“Yes.”
She returned to William’s recliner and sat down. “If that happened, William wouldn’t need me as his angel anymore. I suppose I’d go on with my duties with someone else.”
Raphael smiled. “Yes, I suppose you would.”
Annabel frowned. “Is that a possibility? Does it seem probable that William’s going to transition?”
“Is that something you’re comfortable with?”
She gripped the leather arms of the chair and took a deep breath. Suddenly the room felt a little too warm. “I find everything about William and his future confusing.”
“Really? I think you’d be disappointed if William left this world.”
“Disappointed? I know the word, but I’m not familiar with the feeling of disappointment.”
Raphael took a seat on the sofa and sat back. “Let me see if I can explain what I’m trying to say. Human beings often have expectations about life. For example, you might ask yourself if you’re happy about the prospect of seeing William again.”
Annabel smiled broadly. “Yes, I’d like that very much.”
“On the other hand, what if you found out that William crossed over?”
“He didn’t, did he?” Annabel sucked in a breath. “Goodness, my heart feels like it’s beating faster and my muscles feel tighter.”
“Exactly,” Raphael said in a confident tone. “The physical body is designed to help a human being get in touch with their feelings.”
Annabel knew Raphael could be an excellent teacher, but the information he provided needed clarification. She put a hand on her chest. “But all these physical reactions can be distracting.”
“True, but the body can be a powerful ally. When you feel your physical vessel getting upset in any way, it means that you’re not in tune with your wellbeing.”
Annabel studied her hands and the way they were gripping each other. “I know that being in a body offers the soul an opportunity to experience life from an entirely different perspective, an individual perspective. However, up until now, that was simply a concept. I didn’t know how much was involved.”
“Yes, I agree, but—”
“Raphael, please!” Annabel cut him off without thinking. “I’m getting bombarded by constant, physical feedback! It can be overwhelming. And when I think about the time William kissed me—”
“Yes?”
She let out a heavy sigh and sank back into the recliner. “It was . . . wonderful. I never felt like that before.” She looked around the room again. “You’re right. I would be disappointed if William never came back. Without his presence—”
“Are you saying that you wouldn’t consider giving up your wings if it weren’t for your feelings for William?”
There was a lump in Annabel’s throat that she found difficult to swallow. “I really don’t know how to answer that.”
“I think you need a little more time to think things over.”
Annabel nodded. “I do.”
Raphael’s eyes sparkled brightly as he came over and patted her hand. “Maybe this will help relieve some of the feelings that you’re having. With Arel out of the picture for the time being, William’s let his guard down. I’ve been able to help him. He’s getting better, much better.”
Fifty
PEGGY STEPPED BACK and held open the door. She smiled as she welcomed Arel into the kitchen. Her smile was part of her peace offering. Arel hadn’t been happy for days, and she knew it had something to do with Carol and her taking care of William. “So glad you could come over.”
Arel took a seat at the table, but his expression was grim, and his body remained rigidly alert.
“How are you?” she asked as she sat down too.
Arel’s eyes were hard and accusing, as if she was going to offer him a cup of hemlock.
“I don’t know,” he muttered.
She reached out for his hand. “Before we begin, I hope you realize how much I care about you.”
Arel jerked back from her touch. “You don’t have to sugar coat what you want to say, Peggy. Just tell me why I’m here.”
“Arel . . . sweetie, are you angry with me?”
He hesitated. “I can’t get past the feeling that you think I’m unfit to be around William. Maybe you think I’m unfit to be around any of you.”
“It’s not true—”
“Then why am I barred from the lower level of my own home? When you come over to change shifts with each other, why do you and Carol scurry past me like I’m some kind of evil overlord, to be avoided at all costs? You two watch over William like you’re his body guards.”
“I guess I didn’t think about our behavior that way, but I understand how you could get that impression. It’s been awkward.”
Arel crossed his arms and stared at the floor. “I’m worried as hell about William, and neither of you seem to understand that. Before the two of you stepped in, I never left his side. I sat there by his sick bed for two days. But the minute he woke up, you two threw me out!”
“We didn’t throw you out. Please, sweetie, we asked you to leave because it was what William wanted. He’s been so sick. We thought it best to honor his feelings.”
Arel stood up quickly. “Fine, if that’s where things stand—”
“But I don’t want things to be like this.” Peggy stood up too and went over to him, taking hold of his arms. “Look at you. When did you sleep last? You’re as pale as a ghost except for the dark circles under your eyes. You haven’t shaved or even brushed
your hair, have you?”
“Thank you for making me aware of how irresponsible I’ve been about my appearance. I’ll go home and try to make myself presentable.”
“Arel, stop it! You’re not being fair!”
His eyes glared as he pulled back. “Fair? Life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that I find out that I’m a bastard in this life and in others. Michael says it’s not true, but most of the time, I feel like it. William hates me because . . . because—”
“Because you kept him out of heaven? Remember, that’s what you told Carol and me.”
“Yes, there’s that too.”
“There’s something else?”
Arel moved to the table and leaned both hands on its surface. Staring down, his fingers clenched at the wood. “William was there. He was with us in that horrible life when we were—”
“When we were burned at the stake?” Peggy’s knees went weak at the memory of what they’d shared as brother and sister in a previous life. She backed away and sat down again. “What an awful thing to think about.”
“William was just a child, and they murdered him because he was my friend. It was all so brutal, but I didn’t help him. I didn’t even think about him. I was too . . . too damn caught up in my own—”
She thrust up a warning hand. “Don’t you dare say another word about all that! If you do, you’ll condemn us both!”
Arel gave her a sidelong glance. “What do you mean?”
“I’m the one who screamed out your name. I’m the person who told the inquisitors that you were my conspirator. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have suffered the unspeakable horrors you went through.”
“Peggy, please, you were little more than a child yourself. You were being tortured—”
“It doesn’t matter! If you’re guilty, so am I!” She had a flash of being held down by hooded men. She shivered, trying to stay calm, but she couldn’t stop the images. “I wasn’t strong at all! But I remember you. You were so innocent and gentle, a loving brother that was blameless. Then they got hold of you!” She started to cry. “I try. I really do, but sometimes I can’t forget what they did, how they destroyed you.”
