Beyond All Evil

by June Thomson

  ‘Ma’s fading,’ I had told Ash. ‘I want to be with her, and the rest of the family, especially for Da.’

  ‘How long will you be?’ he had asked.

  ‘As long as it takes,’ I said.

  That was several hours ago. I was looking at Ma, holding her hand, hoping she knew I was there. I’m certain she did. I stayed like that for a long time until Tam said to me, ‘Pop outside, get a breath of fresh air.’

  I had just gone through the doors of the hospital when my mobile rang.

  ‘Hello,’ I said.

  ‘Where are you?’ It was Ash.

  ‘The hospital,’ I said.

  ‘When are you coming home to the boys?’

  ‘I can’t leave Ma.’

  ‘You’ll have to come.’

  ‘I can’t!’

  ‘You must,’ he said.

  ‘What’s happened? Is something wrong with the boys?’

  ‘The boys are fine,’ he said.

  ‘What’s wrong, then?’

  ‘I’ve got college, you know.’

  I hung up and ran back to Ma’s bedside. I took her hand and said, ‘Ma, please, please! Hang on until I get back.’

  I drove home in a daze. Ash must have heard me coming through the door. He was pulling on his coat.

  ‘You’ve been a very long time,’ he said.

  He didn’t ask about Ma.

  ‘Ash,’ I said. ‘Ma doesn’t have long. Please, please, can you not miss college?’

  ‘That’s very unfair, Giselle. You know how important it is.’

  ‘Ash, I beg you then, come back as soon as you can. Please!’

  ‘’Bye, babies!’ he shouted to the boys.

  I waited … and waited. For hours. I called Ash repeatedly, long after I knew that his class would be over. I left message after message on his voicemail. I had just disconnected yet another call to his phone when my own rang.

  ‘Thank God!’ I breathed.

  It wasn’t Ash. It was Tam.

  ‘Ma’s gone,’ he said.

  Chapter 21

  If Only ... (Giselle)

  ‘Ash was detached now from any kind of normal emotion and he had decided what he was going to do. The planning had begun.’

  Ian Stephen

  Giselle: We torture ourselves with these ‘if only’ moments. If only I hadn’t shown him where to kill my babies.

  Ash did not feel Paul tugging at his jacket.

  ‘Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!’

  Ash had been lost in thought. He returned from wherever he had been and looked at our son. ‘What, baby?’ he whispered.

  ‘Sheep … sheep …’ Paul told him excitedly.

  Little Jay-Jay was trying to entice the animals but he could not get his tongue around the words ‘come here’. Instead he shouted: ‘A’meer sheeps … A’meer!’

  I was smiling. Ash turned to me and he too was smiling. My smile faded. I found it so difficult to be in this man’s company. The DNA test had humiliated me, but being separated from my mother in the last few precious moments of her life had been devastating. I despised him, but I also feared him. That was why I was keeping my promise that he would never be separated from his sons.

  Ash ushered the boys away, onto the open ground where the sheep were grazing. He didn’t look happy. One of his moods? I had been taken aback that morning when he phoned and insisted we all go for a day out to the spot where I had spent so many happy times as a child.

  ‘Let’s go out,’ he’d said.

  ‘Where?’ I replied.

  ‘The countryside! What about that place you used to talk about?’

  ‘The Campsie Fells?’

  I felt my skirt being tugged. ‘Beenbeena,’ demanded Jay-Jay. His word for Ribena. He was holding out his Bob the Builder ‘sippy’ cup, which he loved so much that he couldn’t bear to be parted from it. I had to attach a string to the handle for him to wear it around his neck.

  ‘Wait a minute, baby,’ I told him.

  I turned from Jay-Jay. ‘That would be nice for the boys,’ I told Ash. ‘I’ll get them ready.’

  ‘Be there in an hour,’ Ash said.

  He arrived at the flat in his ‘pride and joy’ – a silver Mercedes. Of late, Ash had been moaning constantly about being in debt, which surprised me. The car must have cost a lot, but then he saw it as a symbol of a status and success he did not enjoy.

  When the doorbell rang, I was tying the laces of Jay-Jay’s gleaming white trainers. The boys trailed after me to the front door, where Paul greeted his father warmly.

  ‘Ready?’ Ash said.

  ‘Don’t you just want to take the boys out on your own?’ I asked.

  ‘No, no. It’ll be nice for us all to go out together,’ he said with a sickly smile. Trying to make up ground that could never be made up.

  ‘Whatever,’ I said.

  Paul had demanded his Spiderman figure for the journey and Jay-Jay had retrieved his Bob the Builder hammer. Somehow we managed to get out of the house and into the lift that carried us down to the ground floor.

  ‘We’ll take my car,’ I told Ash. ‘I know where we’re going.’

  I belted the boys into the car. Instead of getting into the passenger seat, Ash sat in the back, sandwiched between them. I thought that was odd. We drove away and it wasn’t long before we had left the city behind. The countryside was literally minutes away from where we lived and we were soon crossing the boundary, heading for Lennoxtown. I hadn’t been to the Campsies for years. It was a journey I had made many times as a child, sitting in the back of my father’s car. Now I was surrounded by familiar hills and memories of childhood. Ash was talking to the boys – inane chatter – but every time I glanced in the rearview mirror he was looking at me.

  ‘All right?’ I said over my shoulder.

  ‘Yes,’ he said quietly.

  We reached the outskirts of Lennoxtown, which lay in a fold of the hills. I drove into a large car park, the central point for visitors who flocked to the beauty spot at weekends. We baled out of the car. Paul was dancing with excitement and Jay-Jay was mesmerised by the sheep on the hillside. The boys took off and I followed, laughing at the sight of my city boys delighting in nature. I was so caught up in their excitement that I had not noticed Ash’s air of distraction. It was only when Paul began tugging at his father’s jacket that I realised he wasn’t really ‘with us’. I pushed aside the thought, prepared simply to enjoy the moment with my sons. I was feeling convivial, in spite of myself.

  ‘Look at Jay-Jay,’ I said to Ash.

  Ash was looking off into the distance. I looked in the same direction but I could not see what was attracting his attention. He was watchful, expressionless. And then, suddenly, he relaxed, laughed and snapped out of whatever mood he had been in. Whatever had been bothering him had been resolved, it seemed.

  It was a perfect spring day, hinting at summer to come. We marched up the hill under a clear blue sky, accompanied by birdsong and a light wind riffling our hair.

  ‘This is where you used to come, isn’t it?’ Ash suddenly asked me.

  ‘When I was a girl,’ I replied.

  ‘You were happy?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, beginning to struggle for breath. ‘Ma and Da brought us here. It was our favourite place.’

  Ash was looking at me so intently.

  ‘You were really happy here?’

  There was strangeness in his voice but I dismissed the thought. I was enjoying the sight of my boys running free in a place where I had once roamed with my brothers and sisters.

  ‘This was our special place,’ I said.

  He fell silent, listening as I revisited my childhood.

  ‘We put sausages on sticks and cooked them on little fires. Ma packed loads of stuff and Da used to throw us all into the back of the car. We’d drive here, and they’d sit and watch us running up and down the hills all day long.’

  Ash had never been here before and he seemed to be transfixed by my story. I was surprised by hi
s interest. He had always been aloof from my family, no matter how much they tried to include him in their lives.

  I was distracted by Paul.

  ‘Mummy, Mummy, Jay-Jay’s fallen down,’ he said in his proper little voice.

  Paul was my angel. He was prim, reserved, always immaculate, always mannerly. On the other hand, my delightful little Jay-Jay was a little hell’s angel. He was tiny but he was a toughie.

  ‘Get up, you,’ I said to Jay-Jay, who climbed to his feet and took off again.

  ‘This is a special place, isn’t it?’ Ash repeated.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, laughing at the boys, who were now chasing each other rather than the sheep.

  Ash smiled.

  Seven days later, he would return to my special place and take my babies with him.

  Chapter 22

  Saturday 3 May

  ‘June and Giselle could not have known what was about to happen – that’s why killers such as these are so extremely dangerous.’

  Ian Stephen

  June: Our journey into the darkness was beyond knowing, beyond understanding, beyond all evil – and it began on a day that seemed to be filled with sunshine and promise.

  ‘When’s Auntie Linda going to get here?’

  ‘Soon,’ I told Michelle. She was beside herself with excitement.

  ‘When?’ she demanded.

  ‘Soon,’ I repeated.

  ‘But when?’ she pleaded.

  It was impossible to be annoyed. Michelle had diamonds in her eyes. We had been in our new home for a few days and this morning was – to use an old cliché – the beginning of the first day of the rest of our lives. My sister Linda, who had lived in Liverpool for years, was on her way. She and her two young children, Beth and Abbi, had agreed to move in with me, Michelle and Ryan. A few days earlier I had driven down south and returned with my nieces. When their mother arrived we were all going to live as one family.

  ‘When’s Mummy going to get here?’ asked Abbi.

  ‘Don’t you start,’ I warned her, but there was no harshness in my voice.

  This was too good a day to be angry. Her sister, Beth, and Ryan picked up on the mood and came towards me.

  ‘Soon … soon,’ I told them before the question was asked.

  As I looked at the four children my sense of contentment was complete. The house was, of course, a tip, a toyshop – but it was so quiet without the pressure-cooker effect of Rab’s malevolence, his anger and his demand that everything be in its place.

  It was a house at peace.

  When I had called Linda to tell her I was leaving Rab, she begged me to wait.

  ‘We have to plan this,’ she told me. ‘Get everything organised.’

  We had. I found a house for rent in Methil, a little town on the North Sea coast not too far from Muiredge. I was happy that I was no longer on my own. Linda’s decision to join me would be the safety valve. If I weakened, she would be my strength.

  ‘When’s Aun—?’ Michelle began.

  ‘Soon, soon, soon, soon,’ I interrupted.

  I was buoyant. I couldn’t remember a time when I had felt so optimistic. This was truly a new chapter. I had been away from Rab for a couple of weeks now. I had already started divorce proceedings, but I had readily agreed that he should be allowed full access to the children. I did not want to separate him from Ryan or Michelle. Shaun had returned to England and Ross had elected to remain with his father. He and Rab had always been close. He was a young man now and could make up his own mind.

  I was determined that this time I would get it right. The legal agreement allowing Rab access had just been ratified at Kirkcaldy Sheriff Court. I viewed this as much more than a legal move. It was a signal to Rab that this time I would not be going back.

  It was over.

  As the children played around me, their squeals ringing though the house, I made a mental inventory of what I had to do that morning. Linda and her friend Jackie, who was driving the van loaded with my sister’s furniture, would not arrive until the afternoon. My task for the moment was to get Michelle and Ryan ready to go out. I would deliver them to their dad at our old home for his first official access visit.

  I was relieved that for a few hours at least they would be out from under my feet.

  Giselle: You were planning a new life … All I wanted to do was cuddle my boys. It felt just like any other Saturday.

  ‘Twink-ell, twink-ell, Litt-ell Staaaarr …’

  I didn’t dare laugh. Paul was so serious as he crooned to his brother. Jay-Jay’s dark eyes were bright – he was under the spell of Paul’s performance of his favourite song. I was in bed, sandwiched between my babies. I shifted under the duvet, drawing my sons closer and sending a motley crew of Spidermen and Bob the Builders clattering to the floor. The light that shone through the bedroom window was white and warm. A beautiful day. I would have to make a move soon. I was due to meet my sister, Katie, to do the big Saturday shop. I lingered, though, loath to end this magical moment.

  ‘Twink-a, twink-a, lil’ sta …’ Jay-Jay mimicked Paul.

  The tune was good but the words needed work. I knew I could not contain the laughter for much longer. It was time to get up. We had a big day ahead. As well as shopping, I would visit Da. Since Ma had passed away, he so looked forward to the Saturday visits.

  It was 8.30 a.m.

  June: We were both consumed with such ordinary things.

  ‘This one, Mum?’ Michelle said, dragging yet another colourful pullover from the wardrobe. ‘Or this one?’

  ‘Whichever you like. They’re both nice,’ I told her.

  My input was futile. Michelle inevitably took ages to get ready and, no matter what I said, she would try everything on at least once before deciding on something in her favourite colours of lurid purple or pale pink. I left her to it and returned to the kitchen, where Abbi had Ryan in a vice-like grip, kissing him on the cheeks. The cousins were the same age and they had become inseparable over the last few days.

  ‘Put him down,’ I told her. ‘Ryan has to get dressed.’

  Abbi released Ryan reluctantly.

  ‘You, Madam, get yourself ready if you want to come with me,’ I told her.

  ‘Wanna go with Ryan and play with the trucks,’ Abbi said.

  My plan was to drop off Ryan and Michelle, and bring Abbi and Beth back to our new house, where we would await their mum’s arrival.

  ‘Ryan and Michelle are going to see their daddy,’ I told her.

  ‘Me, too,’ she insisted.

  I wasn’t bothered one way or the other. Abbi loved Uncle Rab. There was no problem in leaving her with him and her cousins.

  ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Get dressed!’

  Michelle emerged, wearing denims and a red T-shirt. No purple or pink? I realised suddenly how grown up she had become. She was a woman. It was sometimes hard to recognise that, given her innocence. Ryan returned wearing khaki chinos and a beige jumper, which I’d bought him a few days earlier for his seventh birthday. He, too, was growing. He looked such a little man.

  I was still in my night clothes, but I showered quickly and dressed in jeans and a casual top. I glanced in the mirror, which was no longer an enemy of the ‘new’ me. I looked at my reflection without fear, and I did look different from the frumpy housewife that Rab had demanded I be. I now had no one to please but myself. What I wore was no longer his business. I was beyond worrying about what he expected.

  I was drawn away from the mirror by the arrival of Beth and Abbi in my room. The children were soon rampaging around the house. Time to go.

  ‘Right, you lot, in the car. Now!’ I said.

  We went outside and piled into the car. I drove away from the house. It would take less than 20 minutes to reach Muiredge.

  It was 11.30 a.m.

  Giselle: I wasn’t even expecting his call.

  The phone rang at 11.30 a.m. It was Ash. I felt my throat tighten.

  ‘I want to take the boys for a game of football,
’ he said without preamble.

  Football! At last! Something normal. Ash was finally listening to me.

  ‘When?’ I said.

  ‘Why don’t I come now? Are they ready?’

  Paul and Jay-Jay were still in their pyjamas.

  ‘I can get them dressed quickly,’ I told Ash.

  I said to the boys, ‘Daddy wants to play football.’

  ‘I want to stay with you, Mummy,’ Paul said.

  ‘Paul doesn’t want to go,’ I told Ash.

  ‘Let me speak to him,’ he said.

  I handed the phone to Paul. It looked enormous in his hand. He listened.

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Daddy says I can have £10 for Spiderman toys,’ he shouted at me.

  ‘Well, you better get ready then,’ I told him.

  Paul dashed to his bedroom. He was dressed and back just as Jay-Jay was ready. I was inspecting them when the entry buzzer sounded. I packed an extra nappy for Jay-Jay and filled sippy cups with Ribena. The doorbell chimed and Paul opened the door to his father.

  Ash was full of enthusiasm. ‘C’mon babies, we’re going to have a great time. Bring the football.’

  Jay-Jay was clutching his favourite yellow ball. Paul hugged his father and asked, ‘Daddy, Daddy, can I really buy Spiderman toys?’

  ‘Of course,’ Ash promised.

  I wanted to see them off, so I left with them. Katie wouldn’t mind me turning up a bit early. The breakfast dishes could wait.

  The doors of the lift were still open. As they closed on us, Jay-Jay said, ‘Stay a’Mummy, stay a’Mummy.’

  I was holding his hand. ‘C’mon, baby,’ I said. ‘Don’t you want to play football with your big brother and Daddy?’

  ‘Okaaaa-y,’ he said.

  I kissed the top of his head. We emerged from the lift and headed for Ash’s Mercedes. He helped Paul into the car but he left Jay-Jay struggling to get in. He was so tiny and his little legs could not reach the door rim without help. I lifted him into the back seat and strapped him in. Ash started the car and as he drove off my boys craned their necks to look out of the back window. They were laughing and waving to me.

  I waved until the car disappeared around the corner.