A Perfect Blank

by Rye Duran

  I sent a whole package of my plant mixtures to Anto. She said they did “amazing things” for her, too. I can’t wait to hear more about her “amazing things.”

  A Perfect Subject

  Sometimes when I’m lying in bed before I fall asleep now I think about my life in the blue room. I think about Anto and the others and Myra and then I think about one thing Dr. Pinker told me when he was buzzing off my pretty long hair before I left. I was crying and he said to me, “You are a boy, a perfect boy. You are a perfect subject. You will always belong to Project Apogee.” I think about that to. He said to. He did not say at. I did not belong at Project Apogee, and I never would.

  A Call from Myra

  I got a call from Myra yesterday. Mom was worried that I shouldn’t talk to her. Because of how the Project treated me. But Dad reminded her Myra was always on our side. It has been almost eight years since we spoke. I never thought I’d hear from her again.

  I haven’t thought about the Project in a long time. Myra said she missed me, so I knew it was okay to say, “I miss you, too.” “Alex,” Myra said. “I have to tell you something bad.” I was surprised, but more than anything I wanted to know what Myra could have to talk to me about.

  “I wanted to warn you— you are going to get a call from Dr. Pinker,” Myra said. “Why does Dr. Pinker want to talk to me?” I suddenly felt scared and dizzy. “Well, something terrible has happened,” Myra said. “Project Apogee needs you.”

  They

  “Absolutely not,” Mom said, cutting in. She was listening on the phone in the kitchen. Then Dad said, “I don’t understand.” He was on the phone in his office. My parents were worried for me. They did not trust Dr. Pinker. Years ago, when I was kicked out of the program, they told me they were glad. They didn’t think that Project Apogee had my best interests at heart anymore.

  “You have lost the right to drag Alex into the Project’s problems,” Mom said. “But he has to come back,” Myra said. “They,” Dad said. “What?” Myra said. “Alex uses they/them pronouns now. Which you would know, if you had kept in touch.” Dad sounded angry. “I’m sorry,” Myra said. Then quietly Myra said, “They have to come back.”

  My Job

  “But why?” I jumped in. “I’m not allowed to say,” Myra said. Dad laughed in kind of a rude way. Mom said, “Well, you’re going to have to tell us something if you want us to help you.” “I could lose my job,” Myra said.

  “I thought it was your job to be my Monitor,” I said. I didn’t mean to sound mean. But I’ve known Myra since I was born. I used to think her job was to love me. And then I thought it was her job to fix me. And it was my job to be perfect— perfect for Project Apogee. Now I know my parents love me, which is not a job. And I’m starting to think it’s my job to fix Project Apogee.

  The Nine at Fifteen

  Here is what we know. I am 15, almost 16, years old. Which means Project Apogee has been running for exactly 15, almost 16, years. We are both teenagers, and we are both a mess. Because it is the end of year fifteen, the Nine (that is: Ander, Aggie, Ashlun, Ace, Asa, Abel, Ada, Alo, and Anto) returned to Project Apogee to be tested.

  Dr. Pinker and Glen and the other scientists gave them special tests made for each of their special talents. These tests were harder than the ones when we were seven. Even so, Myra said, they never expected what happened next.

  Total Loss

  Every single Project kid (that is: Ander, Aggie, Ashlun, Ace, Asa, Abel, Ada, Alo, and Anto): every one of them failed their tests. Aggie couldn’t even play the easiest musical pieces they picked for her. No matter what the scientists tried, Ashlun’s skin would not clear up. Ace couldn’t solve the number puzzles she made with her Monitor a year earlier. Asa hurt himself doing a simple backflip. And Abel caught the flu. Ada took almost the whole month to beat a new video game, with help from her Monitor. When Alo fainted in the lab, and Anto couldn’t finish a single poem, Myra said Dr. Pinker started to panic. And poor Ander. They couldn’t get Ander out of bed for testing.

  All of their special talents were gone. Project Apogee had created a bunch of normal teenagers. Myra called it a Total Loss. That’s why Dr. Pinker needed me to come back. I was the first kid to disappoint Project Apogee. The first to fail.

  The Missing Link

  But my memory was never a problem. Myra said that made them surprised and hopeful for the future of the Project. Still, I was the missing link: the beginning of the story of how it all went wrong.

  Not Going Back

  I wanted to help Myra but I was not going back to Project Apogee. That’s what I told Dr. Pinker and Glen and the other scientists. He offered Mom and Dad full tuition to the college of my choice. He offered me a car, anything I want. “Come in and I’ll show you,” he said. “We just want to do a few more tests.” But I knew better.

  Nothing Special

  It’s like Anto said: I just wanted to be in control of my own life, my own body. I wanted what every other teen had. I wanted regular boring rainy days and clear blue skies and nothing special.

  Mom and Dad said they were proud of my choice. They said I was growing up. They liked who I was becoming and who I was right then. Whenever they tell me they’re proud of me, that little light in my chest feels a little brighter.

  One More Call

  I was dreaming about my blue room in the Rainbow Ring at Project Apogee. I was dreaming about the spaces between the star patterns on my ceiling. And the crack of light under the door that made the room even bluer. I was dreaming blue dreams when I got a third call from Project Apogee.

  I knew it was from the Project because of the blocked number. I heard a whisper voice. And the whisper voice was crying. The whisper voice said, “Alex, help us.”

  The Nine in Trouble

  It was Anto. She had broken into Glen’s office. I was so happy to hear from her. And so worried for her and the others. “I can’t really talk,” she said. “Just listen.”

  “They are keeping us here. They don’t want anyone to know that we all failed the tests. Dr. Pinker won’t let us go or see our families until we get better. But Alex,” she said, “what if we never get better?” I thought for a minute. I never got better—at least I never got better in the way Project Apogee wanted me to.

  I never wanted Dr. Pinker to know about what I could do during my genius headaches, my dizzy spells. Because I was worried that they would never let me see Mom and Dad again. They didn’t know what I could see or how I saw it. Something like memory, but bigger. As big as the world.

  But I had to go back to Project Apogee. I made a promise to Anto. She told me she had also been in touch with her grandmother. She always knew what to do.

  Dr. Pinker’s First Mistake

  When the Nine failed to make progress, the first thing the scientists did was blame the parents. They called all the parents and told them they would be asked lots of questions. About their homes and the way they lived.

  Parents were told their kids would be living back at Project Apogee for now. And if they didn’t go along with this, they might lose their kids forever. It was sort of like when they threatened me and my parents. But at least we were allowed to stay together. This was much worse.

  It was about control. Project Apogee needed to get back in control. That’s what Mrs. Rodriguez, Anto’s grandma, said when Mom and Dad invited her over for coffee. She was organizing a support group for the families of Project Apogee kids. And she hoped my parents would join.

  Bullies

  Even though I hadn’t left yet, my parents were already so sad. I didn’t understand a lot of what they talked about. But I did hear Mrs. Rodriguez say, “I have a plan to bring them home” and “how dare they bully us.” I knew about bullies. Mom and Dad always said they try to scare people because they’re scared. So maybe Dr. Pinker was scared of us.

  Back to the Lab

  I packed very little to go back to my blue room at Project Apogee. My favorite socks, drawing pencils, some herbs. And a
book about the science of dreaming and the brain. I was looking forward to being with my blue room stars. And I couldn’t wait to see the other Project teens.

  I didn’t want to leave my school. And I didn’t want to leave Mom and Dad. And I really didn’t want to go back into the gross lab and take tests all day again. I didn’t want to share my superpower with them. I didn’t want them to own me again. But more important than any of those things was the fact that Anto and the rest of the Nine needed me now.

  Last time I was at Project Apogee, I was just a little kid. I didn’t know anything about myself. I didn’t know anything about us. The power of an “us.” This time would be different. In a way, Dr. Pinker and the government scientists and I were not so different. We were worried about being embarrassed. We were worried that the things we cared about the most would be taken away from us. We wanted to be recognized.

  I didn’t hate them. I just wanted to belong to myself. I wanted to love what I love.

  Strong in My Body

  I got to the gate at the front of Project Apogee. And I got this big mixed-up feeling in my body of fear and wow and run away and heavy, then strong. I was ready. Dr. Pinker met me at the door. He shook my hand, which was weird. It was also weird that he looked happy and angry at the same time.

  Myra met me at the door, too. She put out her arms. I let her hug me. And I heard her say softly right next to my ear, “I’m so sorry.” I was scared of what she was apologizing for. If it was for something I didn’t know was about to happen to me again.

  The Gray Room

  Myra walked me past the hallway that led to the Rainbow Ring. Into an area I had never seen before. She punched in a code to open the door to the room. Then she said, “This is your room.” “No,” I said. “My room is blue.” I looked up at the ceiling. Which was completely blank, white, clean. No clouds. No stars.

  There was a gray bed in the corner with a gray blanket. On the bed was a boy’s gray T-shirt. A pair of gray sweatpants. “No,” I said. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” “Alex, I know this is not what you want. But we have our reasons,” Myra said. I snapped out of it. “Fine,” I said. “But I brought my own clothes.” “Come on, kiddo,” she said. “It won’t be so bad.”

  Myra hadn’t called me kiddo in so long. She picked up the pants. Handed them to me. “These are very cozy.” “Whatever,” I said. “Well,” I said, taking off my shoes. “When do I get to see the others?” “What?” Myra said. “The others?” “Yeah, will I see them at dinner?” I watched Myra’s face change.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. The others aren’t here,” she said. “They were sent home.” When Myra left, the door locked. And I stayed in the gray room for the rest of the night. Someone brought a tray, but I was not hungry.

  I woke up sometime before the morning and wondered if Anto had tricked me. Maybe they had gotten to her. I refused to believe it. Maybe something had happened.

  Wake Up

  In the morning, the gray room, which had no windows, began to flash with bright light. A voice came through a speaker in the corner above the bed. “Alex,” the speaker said. “Wake up. When the door opens, you will go to the lab for your first test.” I recognized the voice. It was stupid Glen.

  And sure enough, when the door opened, he was standing there. “Morning, sport,” Glen said. “Ready to show us your stuff?” I shrugged. When we got to the lab, I stopped. “I’m not going in,” I said. “I’m sorry?” Glen said. “I’m not going in until you tell me what happened to the others.”

  Glen looked at me like I was joking. “Nothing happened to the others. They went home. They finished their tests.” “You’re lying,” I said. I felt hot. I turned back toward the gray room and screamed, “STOP LYING TO ME!”

  Nothing Bad

  Just then, the lab doors opened and Myra and Anto’s Monitor came out into the hall. I saw Dr. Pinker sitting at his desk behind them. “It’s okay, Alex. Nothing bad is going to happen,” Myra said. “You remember Anto’s Monitor, right?” I looked at them and felt dizzy. Then I opened my eyes and I was on the floor.

  Oh no. I’m having a genius headache right in front of the enemy. I had been practicing hiding them. But I couldn’t control myself this time. It was happening and there was nothing I could do about it. I stood up out of my body. And walked right out of the building and into the air. I flew over the military base where Project Apogee stood and tried to see my parents’ house.

  Before I knew it, I was back in my body. Blinking and breathing on the exam table in Dr. Pinker’s lab. Myra’s voice came through. “Don’t worry, Alex.” I felt a cold hand on my forehead. “Easy does it,” said Dr. Pinker’s voice from somewhere. Then his face got very close to my face, and he said, “So, where did you go?”

  The First Test

  I sat up too fast. I felt dizzy and put my head back down. “You—you know that I go places?” I asked. I couldn’t believe it. “Yes, of course. That was your first test,” said Dr. Pinker. “Yes,” Myra said. “And you did a fantastic job.” I felt like I was going to throw up.

  My superpower, my one special thing, was already theirs. “But how did you know?” I asked. “Oh, Alex,” said Dr. Pinker. “We caused you to have that reaction.” “W—What?” I looked to Myra for some kind of help. “The light,” Myra said. “The light in your room this morning.” I didn’t know what was real anymore and what was in my head.

  I mean, I didn’t know what was mine and what was theirs. The story kept changing.

  A Gray Visitor in the Gray Room

  I barely slept that night. In the moments when I did sleep, I dreamed I was falling into a well that never ended. I turned over and over. Trying to get comfortable. I hate crying. But I kept crying on this gray pillow in my horrible gray room.

  I wiped my eyes and saw a light under the door just like the light I used to watch for in my old blue room. I heard someone punch in the door code. And wondered if I was still dreaming.

  The door opened very slowly, but there was no one there— Or, at first, it looked like there was no one there. I sat up in bed. On the floor rolling toward me was Ander’s robot from the red room.

  I moved toward the robot carefully, trying to not scare it away. Or maybe I didn’t want to wake up from whatever dream I was having. Then I heard the robot say, “Knock knock.”

  An Old Joke

  “Who’s there?” I asked. “Us,” the robot said. Nothing happened. “Us who?” I tried. A little red light in the middle of the robot’s face blinked on. “Don’t worry, Alex,” it said. “We’re all getting out of here for good.”

  Good and Evil

  That’s how I knew the Nine were still somewhere at Project Apogee. Anto hadn’t lied to me at all. Myra had. Knowing that Myra had been lying to me hurt me just as much. Maybe there is no way of ever knowing who is your friend and who is pretending.

  I don’t believe in good and evil. I believe in different kinds of scared and who chooses to do what is hard even though it scares them. The Nine were there with me. I felt hope come up in me like an idea. Maybe they were all being kept in gray rooms, too.

  Who’s There?

  “Who’s there?” I asked. “Ada,” the robot said. I laughed and asked, “Ada who?” even though I was pretty sure I knew Ada who. “Ada and Alo and Ander.” I was so glad to hear these names. “AND ANTO,” the robot added after a second. “Where are you all?” I asked. “Knock knock,” the robot said. I realized that I had to complete the joke to hear from the Nine again. The robot had only ever spoken in knock-knock jokes when it lived in the red room with Ander. “Okay. Who’s there?” I asked. “The common room,” the robot said. I wondered why Dr. Pinker would be keeping the Nine there. “The common room who?” I asked.

  The Plan

  “The common room is set up with all the beds like a dorm,” the robot said. I thought about how nice it was that at least they’re all in there together. Then the robot said, “Yeah, a really shabby dorm.” I laughed and it felt like the best t
hing I’d ever felt.

  “Knock knock,” the robot said again. “Who’s there?” I asked. Then the robot said, “The plan.” “The plan who?” I asked. “The plan is you,” the robot said.

  The Robot’s Promise

  The robot told me about how we were going to trick Dr. Pinker’s team. It told me how we would try to leave in two days. Which the robot told me was how long it would take for our allies on the outside to prepare a safe house. Finally, it told me what exactly the Nine meant by telling me I was the plan.

  I had to play along with Dr. Pinker’s plot. Whatever it was. I had to keep letting them test me and make me have genius headaches. The plan was a good plan. But I couldn’t get one thing out of my head.