“I don’t know, I don’t know where she would go. She was so upset, she could be anywhere,” I said, pacing back and forth, racing my hands through my hair. “This is all my fault. I did this. I made her run away,” I muttered, falling apart second by second.
I needed Eleanor, because I couldn’t stop myself from being wild. My thoughts were running away from me, and each one that came felt worse than the one before it. I needed her to give me some reassurance that everything would be okay.
She stepped back and narrowed her eyes. “Okay, so where would I go if I felt betrayed...where would I go if I felt lost? Where would I go? What would I do? Who would I run…” She paused and realization hit her brow. “My mom. I’d go to my mom. That’s probably what she’d do. She’d go to her mother.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, pausing to raise an eyebrow.
“When I’m lost and confused and at my lowest, I always go to Laurie Lake, because that’s where my mom is in my heart. That’s where I’d go. I’d go to my mom.”
The pieces clicked in my mind. “The cemetery,” I spat out. “Can you watch Lorelai?”
“Of course. Go. Call me if you need anything.”
“Okay, thank you,” I said hurrying down the steps.
“And Grey?” she called after me.
“Yeah?”
“Breathe.”
I know she said breathe, but I hadn’t taken a breath since I took off toward the cemetery. My thoughts were surrounded by fears. My throat was tight, and it took everything inside of me to keep from falling apart right then and there.
The past kept flashing in my mind, memories pushing to the forefront of my mind.
I forced myself to stand and I checked on Lorelai. Even though she cried, she seemed okay. Then, I went to find her sister. I hurried through the blinding rain in search of my daughter. “Karla!” I called once, twice, a million times. There was no reply, nothing to be heard. The thoughts that raced through my head were unwelcome, and I had to do everything to keep from falling apart.
“No,” I muttered to myself. “She’s fine. She’s okay. She’s okay,” I kept repeating over and over again. She was okay.
She had to be okay, because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t know what I’d do.
My eyes blurred over, but I blinked away my emotions. I wouldn’t shed a tear until she was with me. I wouldn’t fall apart before I knew she was all right.
I parked the car and rushed through the cemetery.
The closer I grew, the more worried I became.
There was a small figure laying still in front of Nicole’s tombstone. My heart ached as I moved faster, dashing through the space, praying to God for her to be okay. But she looked so still, so small…
When I turned to my right, I saw her. A small figure laid out in front of two trees. She looked so small, and still.
So very still.
The stillness is what scared me the most.
“Karla,” I called out, “Karla!” I cried.
The moment her body moved, a breath of relief hit me. I kept dashing, faster and faster, running to get her.
“Dad?” she asked, turning to face me.
I collapsed to the ground the moment I reached her, pulling her closer to me, holding her so close that I could hear her heartbeats. So close that I was certain there was no way we could get closer.
“What are you doing here?” she cried, pulling away from me. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying, and I touched my hands against her face. I felt every inch of her head. I touched every inch of her, making she sure was okay.
“Kar…” I couldn’t speak the moment I felt her pocket. I went to reach into it, and my heart split in half as I pulled out a bottle of her prescription pills and stared at them in my hand. Then I looked to Karla.
Her body began to shake.
Her lips trembled.
My heart shattered.
“What are you doing with these, Karla?” I asked, my voice low, so low so she couldn’t hear the fear feeding on my soul.
“Dad…”
“Karla. What were you going to do with these pills?” I asked again.
Her eyes welled up and a flood of emotions spilled out of her as she began sobbing uncontrollably into the palms of her hands. “I hate this!” she hollered. “I hate all of this. I hate being me. I hate being alone. I hate how much I miss Mom. I hate how hard everything is. I hate myself so much, Dad. I hate this world. I wasn’t going to do it, though, Dad. I promise, I wasn’t. I just…” Her words became so jumbled up, and every piece of me shattered as I watched my daughter fall apart. “I’m tired, Dad. I’m tired.”
I wrapped her tightly in my arms and held on for dear life. “I got you, Karla. I got you. Just you, Lorelai and me, okay? From this point on.”
“Just the three of us?” she asked with wonderment in her eyes.
“Yeah. Just the three of us. There is no one, and I mean no one, more important to me than you and your sister. You are my world, Karla. You are my complete, and only world.”
I meant that down to the deepest parts of my soul.
I’d give up my world for my daughters.
I’d surrender it all if it meant their hearts would be okay.
54
Eleanor
Later that night, Greyson came knocking at the front door of the guesthouse. I waited there until I knew Karla was all right—there was no way I’d be able to drive home without knowing. As I opened the door, I wrapped my arms tightly around my body. “Hey, is she okay?”
“Yes and no,” he commented, looking down to the ground. “Claire is over there with her right now, and we’re looking up some treatment centers for her mental health. She, um—” he swallowed hard “—she had a bottle of pills with her, Ellie. She didn’t take any of them, but I think she thought about it. It turns out some bullies at school told her to kill herself.”
“Oh, my gosh, Grey…” I couldn’t wrap my head around how people could be so cruel. Where did humans learn to be so dark? How could those words ever leave anyone’s lips?
“Everything she’s been through on top of seeing you and me together, I think that was her breaking point. I can’t have her struggle anymore, Ellie, which is why I’m asking if you could…”
“It’s fine,” I told him, cutting him off. “I know it’s not good for her health for me to be here, so I’ll find a new place to work, Grey.”
“I just want you to know all this was more than a job, Ellie…you were more than the nanny.”
“I know, but it’s okay. Karla matters most. When I lost my mom, there was one big thing that kept me going each day, and I’m sure it will save Karla from drowning, too.”
“And what’s that?”
“You. It was you, Greyson. And who knows? Maybe this is our thing. Maybe we come together when we need each other most, and then we move on again.”
“Yeah, maybe. There were moments when I thought we could be us again, though. But like, more than us. A new kind of us where falling together would be our norm.”
I smiled. “Yeah, me, too.” Dream a little dream with me.
“But the truth is, I’m not okay because I can’t be okay if my daughters aren’t. Honestly, I don’t know when we’ll be okay, but I’m working on it, Ellie. I’m working on bringing my family back together. And then, I want to find you again.”
My body began to shake as he said those words. “Grey…”
He shook his head and looked up toward me. “My world is better with you in it. I just need you to know that. I just can’t be what you deserve right now, but I promise to my core that I will work on becoming the man worthy enough to love you. Because at the end of the day, you’re the one I want to fall asleep beside. You’re the one I want to wake up to come morning. Now I know that it’s not fair of me to ask you to wait, but—”
“I’m here, Greyson,” I cut in. “I’m here, waiting. It’s been over fifteen years since I’ve been dreaming of you,” I joked. “What’s a lit
tle more time?”
“So is this the point where we say goodbye again?” he asked. “It feels like we’re always saying goodbye after we say hello.”
“Not goodbye, just until we meet again. Until then, can we keep in touch? With email?”
“Yes, of course. Or you can call me, or anything. I’m always here for you, Ellie, even when I can’t physically be there.”
He moved in closer and enveloped his arms around me. I fell into him the same way I always did, effortlessly. Our foreheads touched, and we took our inhales together. In that moment, our timing was right. He was there, and I was there, and we were one.
I shut my eyes and tried to tame my heartbeats. We were so close that I swore I felt his lips graze across mine.
He softly said, “I want to kiss you, but I can’t. Not now. Not yet. But I just need you to know, when I kiss you next…” his breaths danced against my skin as his words spilled into my soul, “It will be forever.”
After watching everything that unraveled with Greyson and his family, I knew I had to make a trip of my own. As Greyson worked hard to fix his unit, I felt as if it was finally time for me to fix mine.
I packed my suitcase to make a trip down to Florida to see my father. I hadn’t even told him I was coming, because if I did I was certain he’d make up excuses to not see me.
But before going to the airport, I made an important stop first.
It took me a while to find the tombstone, but when I did I took a few deep breaths before speaking. I held the bouquet of roses in my hands as I stood still.
“Hi, Nicole. I know you don’t know me, but my name is Eleanor, and I am in love with your family. Every part of them is loved by me, but I won’t be able to watch over them for a while. So, I wanted to stop by here to just ask for a little help. Can you keep looking over them? I’m worried about Karla, but I know if her mother is watching over her, then she will be okay, because that’s what mothers do—they make everything okay. So, please keep an eye on her heart, because I know it’s such an important heart to have in this world. This world needs Karla, so if you could wrap your light around her, I’d be so thankful.
“Also, thank you for keeping your conversations with Lorelai going strong. She loves you more than you’ll ever know. Lastly, if you could look after Greyson for me, that would be great. I know there are parts of him that probably thinks he needs to let go of you in order for him and I to fall together, but I don’t believe that’s true at all. You showed him a love that made him the man he is today, which is a beautiful thing to see. It’s because of you, that Greyson is strong, so please stay with him. Protect them all for me, Nicole, and I know they’ll feel your love in the wind.”
I lay the flowers down on her grave, and thanked her once more.
“Oh, and if you see my mother, can you tell her I love her?” I asked. “And no matter what, I’m still here for her always.”
As I spoke to one angel about another, a dragonfly danced right past me, and I swore the broken pieces of my soul slowly began to heal.
55
Eleanor
After I landed in Florida, I felt a giant knot form in my stomach as I picked up my rental car. It had been over a year since I’d seen my father, and I wasn’t certain what to expect. Yet when I pulled up to the house and walked up the front porch, my heart instantly broke.
“Eleanor,” Dad muttered, stunned to see me standing there. He looked wrecked, as if he hadn’t showered in days. His hair was wild, his beard not trimmed, and he’d put on a bit of weight since the last time. “Hey. What are you doing here? Are you okay?”
I glanced past him and saw his house was trashed. Junk food wrappers covered the coffee table, and there were clothes tossed all over.
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”
He shifted over a bit, trying to block my view, but I already saw everything I needed. He began coughing into the palm of his hand, and I swore it sounded like he was going to lose a lung any second now.
“I’m good, I’m good. Just getting along day by day,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.
His eyes looked hollow. He looked a bit pale. And sad.
He looked so sad.
But that was nothing new. My father had been sad for the past sixteen years. It was his new normal.
“Can I come in?” I asked, stepping forward.
He grimaced and blocked my entrance. “It’s a mess in here, Eleanor. Maybe we can go out and grab a bite to eat.” He was embarrassed by himself, but I didn’t care. I was his daughter, and I loved him.
Whatever he was going through, I could help.
“Let me in, Dad. I’ll help you straighten up the place. Plus, I was hoping to stay here a few days before heading back home. Just so we can catch up.”
“Oh? Well, I don’t know. I just wish you would’ve told me, Eleanor.”
“Dad. Let me in.”
He shook his head. “It’s bad…”
“Dad,” I argued. “Let me in.” I pushed my way past him, and walked into the house to see that it was a million times worse than when I simply peeked inside.
There was trash everywhere. Crumbs of food through the carpet. Empty soda cans, bottles of liquor, cookie containers. Wrappers of all sorts. His clothes were tossed into a junk pile in the corner of the living room, and the kitchen sink was stacked high with dishes.
I’d seen my father during some of the lowest points of his life but never like this. He was living in filth, and it was almost as if he didn’t care.
He started scrambling around, picking things up, obviously completely thrown off by my arrival. “It’s not always like this,” he lied. “Things have just been a bit crazy lately,” he muttered.
“You can’t live like this, Dad,” I said, stunned. “You deserve more than this.”
He cringed. “Don’t start on me, Eleanor. You showed up with no warning. I didn’t have a chance to straighten up.”
“It should’ve never been this bad! And look at you…Dad…have you been taking your medicine?”
He grimaced. “I’m fine, Eleanor. I don’t need you coming down here and belittling me because of my choices.”
“I’m not trying to belittle you, Dad. I’m honestly just worried. This isn’t healthy, and you look weaker than the last time I saw you. I just want to help you.”
Now his embarrassment was shifting to anger. “I didn’t ask for your help! I don’t need your help. I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You’re broken, and you have been for years now.”
“See? This is why I don’t like to visit. This is why us living together didn’t work out. You always end up pointing out my flaws.”
“Dad, that’s not what I’m doing! I’m just saying, I’m worried.”
“Yeah well, stop worrying. I don’t need your pity.”
“It’s not pity; it’s love. I love you, Dad, and I want you to be the best you can be.”
He didn’t say I love you, too.
That always stung.
He lowered his head and scratched the back of his neck. He didn’t look at me very often, and I was almost certain it was because I looked like Mom. Maybe it was too hard for him to face me. Maybe it made his hurts hurt a little too deeply.
“Maybe it’s best that you don’t stay here. I’m not in a good place right now, and I just don’t want you to have to feel bad for who I am, alright? Maybe it’s best if you head out, Eleanor.”
He dismissed me.
Without even looking my way.
He pushed me away and told me to go, and that was all there was to it.
The whole flight back to Illinois, I cried. I sobbed for him out of fear. Out of worry. Out of heartbreak. And then I prayed to Mom to look over him, because I was certain there was nothing I could do to make him come back to me.
When I returned to Illinois, I began my search for a new job. I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart, and learning to teach them to beat on their own again.
&
nbsp; Every now and then I thought of both my father and Greyson. I thought about their hearts, and I hoped they were still beating on their own, too. I did the only thing I could truly do for the both of them due to the muddy waters we were all floating through: I loved them from a distance.
56
Greyson
I missed her.
I missed Eleanor every single day since she’d left, but I did my best to keep moving along for my girls. They were my main focus, and until everything was right with them, I couldn’t think of anything or anyone else. Eleanor often raced freely through my mind, and I allowed it to happen. Truthfully, thinking about her made some days easier.
When December came around, it was our second Christmas without Nicole. Holidays were still so hard for us all to face, but the girls and I were facing it together. That Christmas morning, the grass was frosted, and the temperature was beyond chilled. I tossed on my winter jacket and gathered some blankets from the back closet, and headed to the living room where Lorelai and Karla both were sitting.
They both looked up at me with confusion in their stares.
“Where are you going?” Karla asked.
“I thought we could go visit your mom to wish her a Merry Christmas,” I told them. “Want to go grab your coats?”
They went off to do as I said, and we drove in silence to the cemetery. As we pulled in, I noticed others visiting their loved ones on the special day, sharing stories and memories.
The girls and I walked to their mother’s gravestone, and we lay the blankets down on the ground before sitting next to one another and squeezing close to keep warm.
We were quiet at first, just staring and reflecting.
“This is where I came,” Karla whispered, staring at the tombstone. “When I was skipping school, I’d come here to be with her,” she finally confessed. “It’s where I felt the most okay—when I was around Mom. It felt like she always had something to tell me, but I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t figure it out.”
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