I looked at my daughter and gave her a smile. “I used to do the same after she passed. And I felt the same way. Like there was something she was trying to say to us, but I couldn’t even figure it out.”
“Why didn’t you guys just ask her?” Lorelai questioned, confused. “I ask Mommy stuff all the time, and she answers.”
I smiled at Lorelai, and I truly hoped that gift she had to hold on to her mother would never disappear. I pulled her closer to my side. “For some people it’s easier, I guess, Lorelai. Some people are able to hold a very tight relationship with their loved ones after they passed away.”
“Yeah, Mom and I are best friends,” she frankly stated. “You should try just talking to her.”
“How do you do it, Lorelai?” Karla asked. “How do you talk to her and know that she hears you?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “You just gotta believe.”
Karla took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Hey, Mom, it’s me, Karla. I just wanted to say that I miss you a lot. Every day, and it never really gets easier. I miss your bad jokes, and your laughter, and your terrible taste in music. I miss how you could make my bad days better. And how you could stop me from hurting whenever someone was mean to me.” Tears started rolling down her cheeks, and I wiped them away as she kept talking. “And I miss hugging you. I miss hugging you so much, but Dad’s been doing a pretty good job of being there lately for the hugs. So, yeah. We’re not okay with you gone, but we’re okay. We’re looking out for each other, and I just wanted you to know that. We’re okay, and I love you.”
She opened her eyes and wiped the tears away.
“See, Karla?” Lorelai whispered. “Did you hear it?”
“Hear what?”
“Mommy said she loves you, too.”
And for the first time in over a year, I think Karla finally felt her mother’s words.
“You knew her before?” Karla asked as she walked into my office the evening after Christmas. She held an envelope in her hands and fidgeted with her fingers. Nicole always said Karla got that nervous habit from me.
“Knew who?”
“Eleanor. You knew her before she was the nanny?”
Just hearing her name made my chest tighten a bit. “Yeah, when we were in high school.”
“She was your girlfriend?”
“Well, no, not exactly.”
“So she was just a friend?”
I brushed my hand against the back of my neck. “No. Not exactly.”
“You’re confusing me,” she said, arching her eyebrow.
“I know. It’s just hard to explain what exactly we were. She was her, I was me, and we were us. There was no label for it. We were just two people helping each other breathe.”
She nodded slowing, walking to the room. She sat in the chair across from me. “That’s what she said, too.”
“What do you mean, that’s what she said?”
“Um, I wanted you to read this.” She lay the envelope down on my desk. “It’s from Eleanor. She wrote it to me the night she left and slipped it under my door. I didn’t read it until last night, and I think you should read it, too.”
She sat back in her chair, patiently waiting as I opened the envelope. Inside was a letter and photograph that I couldn’t take my eyes away from.
It was Eleanor and me, the night of the homecoming dance. We both looked so young and completely unaware of where our lives would take us. We were so happy, so free.
“That was an ugly suit,” Karla mentioned, making me snicker.
“Yeah, well, back in my day, it was pretty dope.”
She groaned. “Dad, people don’t say dope anymore.”
“What are we saying nowadays? Fly? Hip? Happenin’? Groovy?” I mocked.
She rolled her eyes. “Just read the letter already.”
I placed the picture down and unfolded the sheet of paper. As my eyes darted across the page, I was reminded of every single thing I loved about Eleanor Gable.
Karla,
I feel like there are not enough words in the universe for me to express how sorry I am for how everything unfolded, but I am going to try my best to do exactly that. I guess the best way to approach this is to go back to the beginning.
I was in high school when I lost my mother to cancer. I was young, lost, and broken. That was exactly when your father came into my life. He showed up during my darkest days and brought me his light.
He knew of my hurting, and he called my scars beautiful.
He was my first love, but it wasn’t simply a romantic thing. He wasn’t even my boyfriend, and I could count on two fingers the number of times we kissed in our youth.
He was just him, I was me, and we were us.
Your father saved me. Without him, I’m certain I would’ve drowned.
Losing a mother is a unique kind of loss.
A mother understands your heartbeats when you cannot even interpret their sounds. They see you as magnificent even when you feel like you’re so unworthy of love. They calm the doubts that wreak havoc on your soul. They show you what unconditional love is from the day you take your first breath.
Sometimes it feels like they know you better than you’ll ever know yourself, and then, one day, they are gone.
You feel cheated. Cheated on the things that they haven’t yet taught. Cheated on the lessons you still needed to learn. Cheated out of laughter, and smiles, and comfort, and love.
But what I’ve learned with time is that my mother is still around me. I see her in everything. Whenever there is beauty, that is where my mother exists.
I know she’s never gone, no matter what reality tries to tell me, because my heart is crafted from her love, and as long as it beats, she lives on.
So, that heart of yours? The one you think is damaged and bruised and unworthy of existing? That heart is perfect, and it cannot wait to show you how much love is waiting for you in this world. And whenever you need that reminder, place your hands over your chest, and feel your mother’s love in every single beat.
You’re going to be okay, Karla.
You’re going to be more than okay.
But I need to ask you to do one thing for me: watch after your father. The truth is, he’s going to need you more than you need him. Because he doesn’t have her heartbeats in his chest. No, his reminder of Nicole lives in your eyes. In your smile. In your love.
You are saving your father. Without you, I’m certain he would drown.
So, even if you never forgive me…even if you continue to hate me…even if I never cross your mind again…I want you to know that I am here for you. Day or night. Night or day. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there, Karla, because you mean that much to me. Not just as Greyson’s daughter, but as another human being who just needs to know they aren’t alone.
I’m one phone call away, and I will always answer.
I’m still here.
-Eleanor
P.S. I know you’re hurting, but your scars are so beautiful.
I placed the letter down on the table and sat back a bit, stunned. “Wow.”
Karla nodded. “Yeah.” She raced her hands through her hair and then leaned toward me. “So…when are we going to go get her?”
“What?”
“Eleanor. When is she coming back?” I raised an eyebrow, and she gave me a dramatic sigh. “Dad, are you kidding me?! Didn’t you just read that letter?”
“Yes, and it was perfect, but that doesn’t mean Eleanor is coming back.”
“What? Of course, it does.”
I wanted to agree with her. I wanted to rush out of the house and run to Eleanor to tell her we were ready. Yet, I couldn’t do that. Not yet. “Karla, we’ve been through a lot these past few months, and we still have a long way to go to heal. My concern is you and your sister. If Eleanor and I are meant to be, it will work its way out down the line. But for now, it’s just the three of us against the world.”
“Look, I know things haven’t been easy for us, and
I know I’ve made them even tougher sometimes, but you deserve to be happy, Dad. I know it’s been hard for us all, but that’s the truth. I’m sure you think I deserve to be happy, and if I deserve it, you do, too.”
I gave her a smile. “I am happy. I have you.”
She groaned, slapping her hand to her face. “Why do you have to be so corny sometimes?”
“I’m a father. Being corny is part of a father’s job.”
She stood from the chair and started walking away, but I called after her.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“What made you open the letter today?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Maybe it was just Mom whispering in my ear.”
She walked off, and I picked up the letter and read it over and over again.
“Thank you, Nicole,” I whispered into the wind, and I did as Lorelai instructed me to do.
I believed to my core that Nicole could hear me.
“So, I received a call from Karla saying you were being stubborn,” Claire mentioned during our Tuesday lunch date.
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. She said you had a good thing in Eleanor and were tossing it to the side because you were a chicken shit—her words, not mine.”
I smirked. “Sounds like my daughter.”
“So, why aren’t you going to get in touch with Eleanor? Wasn’t the main reason you were keeping your distance because of Karla, and now with her blessing…” Claire’s words trailed off.
“It’s more complicated than that,” I argued. “It’s a long story.”
“Well, luckily I get an hour of your time every Tuesday. Unless you want me to start singing Journey songs again.”
I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. ‘I made a huge mistake when I was drunk… Eleanor and I were involved, and I accidentally called her by Nicole’s name. It was stupid. It was a huge mistake, and I don’t think I can really come back from that slip.”
She nodded slowly, in understanding. “When I first started dating Jack, I was terrified. I’d been married to my husband for forty years before Jack had come into my life, and I was certain I’d never love again. There was no way I could love someone the way I loved my husband, and in a way, I was right. My love for that man was its own creation. It was our special thing.
“Then when Jack showed up…” Claire’s eyes watered over with so much hope, I almost began to tear up. “Jack taught me how to trust again. He taught me that I didn’t have to be perfect, I just had to be me, scars and all. He taught me that being myself was all that I ever had to do. Truthfully, I didn’t think my heart could beat for another man, but I was wrong. What I learned was that hearts are resilient. They always remember how to beat again. We just have to be willing to give them something to beat for. And the only way to do that is to let go of fear.”
“But my mistake…” I whispered.
She smiled. “I called Jack by Randy’s name a handful of times. It wasn’t on purpose. I remember being horrified, and certain that I was going to run him off forever. But do you know what happened?”
“What’s that?”
“He stayed, and oh, boy, please believe that I gave him a million reasons to run, but he wouldn’t. He stayed.” She crossed her arms and kept grinning my way, as if she knew something that I hadn’t known. “What happened after you said it? Did she run away after you two talked it through?”
“No, she didn’t. She talked me through it. She listened to my pain. She stayed.”
“Then sweetheart…” Claire placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and shook her head. “Why are you running?”
I wanted to stop running. I wanted to call Eleanor and ask her to come back to me. But then I thought of my girls and all of the healing we still had to find.
“It’s too soon,” I said, shaking my head. “I just need more time.”
“I get that, son, I do. Just be careful to not let the time in the sand glass run out. Our lives are short, and tomorrow isn’t promised. If there is one thing we all deserve, it’s the right to be happy. Perhaps you deserve that even more than most, Greyson.”
Happy.
That’s all I ever wanted, and I was sure I’d get it someday.
Just not now.
57
Greyson
Two days later, the doorbell rang, and I stood from the living room couch to go answer it. The moment the door opened, confusion hit me. Eleanor stood there with eyes full of worry.
“Ellie, what are you—”
“Is she okay?” she asked, her voice shaky.
I raised an eyebrow. “Is who okay?”
“Karla. She sent me a text message saying she was in trouble and needed my help. I came over as soon as I could.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” a voice said behind me. I turned to see Karla standing there with a smirk on her face.
“Then why did you text Eleanor?” I asked.
“Because I do need her help. We all do.”
Eleanor looked bewildered, not having a clue what was going on, but I was slowly catching on. My hand brushed against my neck. “Sorry, Ellie. It seems my teenage daughter is acting up.”
“Only because you were being stubborn, Dad. Just face it…you like Eleanor. And Eleanor, you can’t even deny that you like him, too, because you can’t hide your emotions for anything. So, you two should just…be together.”
“Karla…” My voice dropped, and I grimaced. “You know why we can’t—”
“Yeah, Dad, I get it. You’re fucked up, I’m fucked up, Eleanor’s fucked up—we’re all fucked up! But we might as well be fucked up together.”
“Language,” Eleanor and I said in unison.
I smiled, she smiled, and damn, I loved it.
More of that, Ellie…
I missed those smiles.
“See? You both are even corny together. So, you have to be together.” Karla shrugged. “Look, I get it. I sometimes fall apart and make things hard, but I just want you to know that I want Eleanor here. So does Lorelai. We don’t need to wait until we are perfectly healed, Dad. We can be a team with a few cracks still left to fix. Through the good and the bad. Besides…” She gave Eleanor a hesitant grin. “We made a pinky promise.”
She turned and headed back to her bedroom.
I parted my mouth to speak, but no words came to mind. Because this was what I wanted, Eleanor was who I craved.
I locked eyes with Eleanor and brushed my thumb against my chin. Nerves filled me up as she kept smiling my way.
“Grey, if you’re not ready for this, I—”
“Ellie?”
“Yes?”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “You’ve been my true north since the day I met you. You’ve healed my family in more ways than I could count. You brought me back to life after my soul had died. You save my life each and every time you cross my mind. Just the thought of you heals me. I know we have things to figure out. I know there are hurdles that we have to jump, but if you’re willing, I am willing to take the leap. I want to leap and fly with you and only you for the rest of my life. So, what do you say?”
She moved in closer and wrapped her arms around me. I placed my hands against her lower back and pulled her to me. Our lips brushed, and I swore my whole life lit up with our possibilities.
“Okay,” she whispered against my skin. “Let’s fly.”
My mouth crashed against hers as I pulled her to me. We kissed for our past, we kissed for our present, and we kissed for our future.
Her lips took mine as if they were promising me forever.
Forever.
This kiss meant forever.
And I was okay with that fact.
We made it. After all these years, we began to descend on to our beautiful chapters. The chapters where pain became beauty. Where heartaches began to heal. Where always met forever.
She was she, I was me, and we were us.
This was our story.
This was our always and for
ever.
And it was going to be beautiful.
58
Greyson
Eleanor didn’t talk about her father as much as she used to, but I could tell that it still ate at her soul. Whenever I brought it up to her, she’d smile and tell me, “He is what he is, and there’s not really a place for me in his life.”
That broke my heart, because I knew it broke hers. And if her heart was breaking, mine cracked, too.
“I have to travel today for business,” I told Eleanor as we lay in bed a few weeks after she came back into my life. “Do you think you can watch the girls until I get back? I fly out early, but will be back home late tonight. It’s a really quick trip. I feel a bit odd about leaving with everything going on with Karla, but it’s a very important issue.”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll take care of them.”
I leaned in and kissed her. “I love you,” I whispered, and the words came so effortlessly. Almost as if we’d been saying it all our lives.
She kissed me back. “I love you, too.”
Of course we loved each other.
I was certain when our love began all those years ago, it never really stopped.
I found myself in Florida, standing on Eleanor’s father’s front porch. Shay had given me the address. I stood there for a minute with a book in my hand before I built up the courage to knock.
“Can I help you?” Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow as he opened his front door.
Eleanor might’ve had her mother’s smile, but she truly had her father’s eyes.
“Hi, yeah, I’m Greyson. I don’t know if you remember me, but we met many years ago through Eleanor. I was her friend from high school. I took her to homecoming.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Oh, yes, Greyson. Long time.”
Eleanor & Grey Page 30
