Warm November

by Kathleen Knowles

  “Is something wrong? Am I doing something wrong?” Angie asked, obviously worried.

  “No, not at all. Come up here.”

  Angie obeyed and they embraced. “It’s a problem with me. Don’t worry. You’re great.”

  Her words seemed to reassure Angie and they started over again. This time Hayley took over. If nothing else, she’d get to sharpen her oral technique, and Angie’s massive orgasm rewarded her. She was proud of herself. It was enormously gratifying to make a woman come, even if that woman wasn’t Merle.

  Angie fell asleep right away, leaving Hayley to stare at the ceiling and brood. If she couldn’t get past this thing with Merle, she’d never have a fulfilling relationship with anyone. What a monumentally depressing thought.

  The next morning, as they had coffee and toast, Hayley said, “I want to thank you for a really wonderful time last night.”

  “But…?” Angie looked sad.

  “Huh?” Hayley was mystified.

  “I can hear the ‘but’ at the end of your sentence, even if you didn’t say it aloud.”

  “You’re right. I really mean to say, ‘It’s been swell but I can’t see you again.’”

  “Righto.” Angie looked away then, over to the stove, then refocused on Hayley.

  “I admit I don’t have a huge amount of experience, but before I met Jane, I dated quite a few women and slept with a lot, including some in the last couple of years. So I can tell when someone’s not that into it or into me.”

  “No, not at all. It’s just—”

  Angie held up her hand. “Don’t worry. I’m not taking this personally. I’m old enough to know better.”

  “I had a good time, and I don’t want you to feel bad.”

  “As I said, I don’t, not in the least.”

  They were quiet for a few moments, sipping their coffee. Hayley decided to take a risk. “There’s someone else.”

  Angie’s smile was wry. “Oh? Is that a fact? Want to tell me about her?”

  So they made more coffee and some eggs, and Hayley told Angie all about Merle.

  Angie listened without comment until Hayley finished her tale.

  “What do you think I should do?” Hayley asked.

  “Boy. That’s a tough one. I don’t know what to say other than you need to wait until she gets to a different place. Are you in love with her?”

  That question shocked Hayley. She didn’t know how to describe her feelings. It seemed a monstrous faux pas to admit to love for someone to a woman you’d just slept with, but Angie was friendly and nonjudgmental, so she decided to take another chance.

  “Yes. I think I am.”

  “Does she know that?”

  “No. I never told her. I never said those words.”

  “Well, you might want to let her know.”

  “She thinks I need more experience dating, that I don’t want to settle down with just one person right now.”

  “Sometimes when lesbians get involved with straight women and it doesn’t work out, we blame them because they’re straight.”

  “That’s not me. Not now. I’m over that.”

  “I believe you, but that may be what Merle’s thinking, even if she didn’t say so.”

  “Oh, she said it all right, and I probably just agreed with her because it was easier and made me feel better about the rejection, kind of. But I don’t think I need more so-called experience.” She made a face, thinking of sex with Angie the night before and not managing to reach orgasm.

  “I had a bunch of dates with all sorts of women, one of whom turned into that stalker that sort of pushed Merle and me into bed, though it was waiting to happen anyhow. So I guess some good came out of those crazy dates.”

  Angie laughed, and then she said, “You know, when we get to our age—”

  “How old are you, anyhow? I can’t even guess.”

  “Fifty-four. I was going to say, at our age, I don’t feel like I have a whole lot of time to waste. If it’s right, it’s right. I don’t have to do a lot of screwing around or have my heart broken multiple times.”

  “That’s probably true. It’s not like I want to keep looking. I just think I ought to.”

  Angie touched her hand. “Hayley, I think you know the real reason. If Merle really doesn’t care about you, except as a friend, you need to find out, but otherwise, I say go for broke. Tell her the truth and see what she says. If it’s going to happen, it will happen.”

  “Thanks so much for everything. I mean it. You’re a fabulous woman. If things were different—”

  “Don’t think about that. Count me as a friend, okay?”

  “I’d like that very much.”

  After Angie dropped her off at home, she stood on the sidewalk looking at the house and thinking about what Angie had said. Did Merle truly care for her? It was impossible to say, but she thought not. It just didn’t make sense any other way.

  She sighed and squared her shoulders. She might as well accept reality. She could stay in the house and they could be friends and roommates. Merle had made her feelings pretty clear. That was what they were going to be. It was, after all, just sex.

  But Hayley couldn’t hang around and wait forever for her to change her mind. That would drive her nuts and would be a nutty thing to do. She made her decision right then and there.

  *

  The next morning when Merle woke up, she could tell right away that the house was empty. Hayley hadn’t returned home the night before. Oh, well. That was going to happen eventually. No big deal. She dragged herself out of bed and downstairs to let Arthur out and make coffee. She’d give him a good walk later and then go to a meeting. She didn’t have anything else to look forward to, nothing fun to do. She could watch TV, she supposed, but that sounded pretty blah.

  Arthur bolted from his spot by the kitchen threshold, and she heard the front door open. She listened to Hayley’s soft greeting to Arthur. She had such a mellow voice, either alto or contralto, but whatever, she loved the sound of it. Some women could be shrill or squeaky. Hayley’s voice settled easily in her ears. When she spoke to Arthur, she was tender and loving. Merle would have loved to hear Hayley speak to her as she spoke to Arthur, but it wasn’t to be. She arranged her face in a smile just in time as Hayley walked into the kitchen.

  “Hi there,” she said, much more enthusiastically than she felt.

  “Hello. Arthur!” Hayley pointed to the door. Arthur had followed her right into the kitchen. With a regretful look, he went back to the doorway and sat down.

  “You’ve got that part of obedience down really good.”

  “Thanks. Is there any more coffee?”

  “Yup.” Hayley looked pensive. Merle was absurdly glad she didn’t have the dreamy post-orgasmic smile she’d sported the morning after their night of lovemaking.

  Hayley poured herself a cup, sat down across from her, and sipped it a few times. Merle waited for her to speak. She took her time, sipping and staring at the table.

  “I’ve really enjoyed living here with you and Arthur,” she said.

  “We like having you. After all the nightmare stories I heard about roommates, you were a dream come true.”

  Hayley raised an eyebrow and looked at her doubtfully.

  That comment was somewhat over the top, Merle realized. Also, Hayley had said “enjoyed”—past tense.

  “Thanks.” Hayley took another drink of coffee, a big one.

  “Look. I think it’s better if I move out.”

  Merle’s stomach turned over and her anxiety shot through the roof. This wasn’t unexpected, but it still hit her hard. Her left brain said it was a good idea, and she agreed. But her right brain screamed, “No. No. No.” This was crazy.

  “Why?” Merle asked.

  “I think you know, but I’ll say it anyhow. I’ve got feelings for you, but you don’t feel the same about me. I’m not prepared to keep sharing this home with you. It wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

  “Right,” Merle s
aid, but that wasn’t what she was thinking.

  Hayley drained her coffee cup and nearly slammed it on the table. She stood up.

  “I’ll need some time to find a new place to live. But I’m going to leave as soon as I can.”

  She rinsed her cup and put it in the dishwasher as Merle watched her silently. “I’ll see you later,” she said and walked out of the kitchen.

  *

  Hayley went to her bedroom and sat on the bed, proud of herself for executing that conversation unemotionally. It was one of the toughest things she’d ever had to do. She just had to follow through and get a new place to live.

  She wanted to return to the kitchen and tell Merle she’d made a big mistake, but she steeled herself and fought back the tears. She’d made the right decision, the mature choice. That was who she was, not some lovesick teenager, never mind how she felt at the moment. She needed to start going through her possessions and look online at rental listings. But she did neither of those things. She lay down on her bed and thought fleetingly of her night with Angie. It wasn’t the sex that lingered in her mind. It was Angie’s question.

  She supposed Merle did care for her but not in the right way, not the way she wanted. There was no way to change that. She gave up and gave in to her tears then.

  *

  The next week she went to the coming-out support-group meeting, and when her turn came around, she said, “I’ve made up my mind. I’ve got to move. It’s killing me to be around Merle and not be with her.”

  “Oh, my God!” Amy said, “Have you told her?”

  “What did she say?” Betty asked.

  “Yes, I told her. She didn’t say much.”

  “How do you feel?” Diane asked.

  Yes, that was the question, wasn’t it? Hayley didn’t know how she felt other than very sad and very silly at that same time.

  “I don’t like feeling like a teenager, but I’m willing to accept that. I don’t have to act like one. I don’t want to hang around someone mooning over her like a lovesick schoolgirl, so I’m going to split.” She took a swig of water. She was acting a whole lot more together than she felt.

  It was Amy once again who waylaid her after the meeting. “Come on, let’s go have coffee.”

  Hayley agreed.

  “So what’s the real story?” Amy asked.

  “You know it. I fell in love with her.”

  “Did you tell her?”

  “Of course not. That would be a mistake.” Angie thought I should tell her as well. I can’t face the rejection. I just can’t. “She’s made it super clear she can’t get involved with anyone right now. After we had sex, she backed off so quick it was like I had a social disease.”

  Amy chuckled. “You’re funny, but maybe you could try to be honest with her about why you’re moving out.”

  “I guess,” Hayley said uncertainly. It couldn’t hurt for Merle to hear the whole truth. She was getting tired of pretending to be okay. “I’ll think about it.”

  *

  At work, Merle turned over the page on her wall calendar. In spite of using her electronic calendar to actually keep track of things, she still liked the old-fashioned calendars with pictures…if they were free. She was too cheap to buy a fancy wall calendar. This year’s was from a company that made antibodies.

  It was November first. Which week did Thanksgiving fall in? She supposed she’d spend it with Clea and Sigrid. They always cooked a big dinner. She wondered about Hayley’s plans. They hadn’t spoken for a few weeks and had stopped having meals together. It was time to fully disengage, and this saddened Merle profoundly.

  She sat at her desk staring at the calendar display of little dancing cartoon antibodies looking for antigens. The captions proclaimed the company’s efficiency in manufacturing antibodies avid for their antigens. Merle shook her head and tried to focus on her work. She thought about the upcoming weekend with its two days of nothing that needed to be filled. This never used to be the case. When had she lost the ability to make plans? Right around the time Kay left, probably.

  She had to stay out of the house and away from Hayley as much as possible. She was going to move so Merle had to get used to not being around her.

  Then she remembered a task she’d been putting off for weeks. Her nephew was getting married next month and she needed to buy a wedding gift. She might as well just head downtown to Union Square Macy’s store and get it done. Pick them out a nice chafing dish or something. Whatever. She wasn’t much of a shopper, but if she saw something she wanted, she’d buy herself a gift.

  Then she’d go to a meeting—anything to avoid seeing Hayley. How immature and silly. No, it was really self-preservation. She had to get over her.

  On Sunday afternoon, Merle wandered through the housewares department in the basement of the big Macy’s store. She’d printed out the bridal registry list for Holmes-Sinclair. It was simply a question of picking something up and having it shipped to them with a card and she’d be done. Then she could see if any good clothes were on sale. Winter was coming; maybe she should buy a new sweater.

  She stood in front of a dish display. If the list from the registry was correct, one place setting cost fifty bucks. Did her nephew and his fiancé have overly expensive tastes, or had china become outrageously expensive since the last time she’d bought some?

  Then she checked the list again and saw that three had already been bought of the four they’d requested. Dynamite, she’d be the last. The kids would have service for four and her obligation would be fulfilled. She double-checked the make of the place setting to be sure she had the right one. There were so many choices. She started looking for the right brand name, tapping the touch screen impatiently.

  Then she heard a very familiar voice behind her say, “It’s up to you. I don’t care what we get.”

  Even if she hadn’t recognized who was speaking, the next moment, she heard the response that confirmed her thought.

  “I get that, Kay. If you’re okay with it, I like this one best.”

  It was definitely her ex, but who did the other voice belong to? It might be someone she knew, but she wasn’t sure. Should she announce her presence or not?

  “Oh my God, Merle?” Too late.

  She turned around and there stood Kay, looking greatly alarmed. Behind her loomed a very tall woman that Merle recognized as someone she’d met before, but she couldn’t place where or what her name was.

  “Hello, Kay.”

  “What a surprise to run into you in Macy’s, of all places.” Kay’s voice was quite tense, and she glanced back at the tall woman nervously.

  The woman raised her eyebrows and stepped forward with her hand out. “Hi. I’m Dana.”

  “Hi, Dana, nice to meet you.” Merle knew she knew this woman, but she was willing to go along with the charade that they were unacquainted.

  She turned back to Kay. “I’m here shopping for a wedding gift. How have you been?”

  And Kay looked at Dana again. Something was going on with them. Oh, shit. This was her new lover. Right.

  “Good. Say, Dana, I haven’t seen Merle in quite a while. How about you finish your shopping and we’ll go have coffee at the café?”

  She turned to Merle and asked, “If you’ve got the time?”

  Why not? She was deeply curious about what and who Dana was. “Sure, I got a couple minutes.”

  “Great. I’ll text you. Half an hour?”

  Dana nodded and looked relieved, then turned and walked away.

  As Merle and Kay made their way through the store, Merle asked Kay, “So who’s that?”

  “Oh, you remember Dana. She’s one of the assistant city attorneys. You met her at that Christmas party? The one we had at the Gift Center?” Kay was trying valiantly to sound casual and easygoing, but Merle knew her so well. Something was going on.

  “Maybe. How come you’re shopping at Macy’s with her?” Merle couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

  “I’ll explain ever
ything once we sit down.” Good old Kay. The reveal would always be in her time frame, not Merle’s. Good to know she was still the same.

  They each fetched a coffee and found a table. Since it was Sunday, Macy’s café was crowded with shoppers. Not the ideal place for an intimate chat.

  “So?” Merle twirled her coffee cup and fixed Kay with a questioning stare, cocking an eyebrow.

  “I wanted to tell you at the right time, but I guess this is as good a time as any. How are you, by the way?”

  “Like I said, I’m fine. Tell me what, exactly? That you’re with her now? So what?” Kay was unquestionably very nervous for some reason. Merle feigned a nonchalance she didn’t actually feel. She felt more like strangling someone. Like Kay, for instance.

  “Well. Yes. I wanted to explain it to you.”

  “Explain? What’s to explain? You’ve moved on. That’s great.” It wasn’t really. Merle realized at that moment that she harbored a deeply buried hope that somehow she and Kay would reconcile. After Kay had gone through whatever she was going through, she’d see how they belonged together, in the end. She would come back to Merle and Arthur and the comfy Craftsman house in Bernal Heights. Clea had been right after all. She hadn’t let go of Kay.

  Kay looked great. She always looked great. Her curly mane of hair was well styled. The little spray of freckles across her nose that gave her that sweet, innocent look was still there. So were her nicely shaped pink lips and sharp cheekbones. She was still beautiful. In spite of her pique, Merle’s palms started to sweat and she visualized making love to Kay like she used to way back when.

  “I wanted to explain about Dana and me.” Kay looked more uneasy than ever.