Almost Never

by Melissa Toppen

“That’s exactly how you meant it. And it’s fine. It’s not completely untrue.” He fidgets with the corner of his napkin. “So then JR...” He pauses. “He was your first?”

  “He was,” I confirm.

  “And it was only the one time?”

  “Again, not that it’s any of your business, but yes. I ended things with him a couple of days later.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I was trying to force something that wasn’t there and that night made me realize it.”

  “And the other guy?”

  “Just some guy that goes to school here.”

  “So were you dating him or casually hooking up?”

  “Oh my god, Alec.” I wipe a hand over my face. “Why do you want to know this?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. But I do.”

  “We were seeing each other for a few months. It wasn’t super serious.”

  “And what happened?”

  “I ended things a few weeks ago.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he wanted more and I didn’t.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean why?”

  “Why didn’t you want more? Because you don’t like him or because he isn’t who you want?”

  Now I get it. The reason for all these questions. It’s his roundabout way of asking me if I’m still in love with him. Which I already admitted to earlier, just maybe not in so many words.

  “You already know the answer to that,” I tell him, answering him without actually answering him...again.

  “Hope.” He reaches across the table, his hand settling over mine.

  I so badly want to let myself feel it. To let every emotion I’ve buried come soaring to the surface, but I know I can’t. Because if I do, if I let him back in, I’ll be forced to mourn the loss of him all over again.

  Alec Murray is like an addiction. Once he gets into your blood stream, he’s all you want, all you can think about, until he’s utterly consumed every part of you. I barely survived the withdraws the last time around. I’m not sure I’d survive it a second time.

  You know what they say about addicts. They’re more likely to overdose after a long time without using because they overestimate how much their bodies can take.

  Alec is my drug. And I can’t relapse now. Not after I’ve come so far.

  “It’s getting late.” I pull my hand away. “We should probably get going. I have a lot I still need to do before class in the morning.”

  “Okay.” He nods, his expression stoic. “I’ll go pay the check.” With that, he slides from the booth. Without another word, he heads to the front counter.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Well, here we are,” I say, stopping right outside of my dorm room.

  Even though I told him he didn’t need to walk me inside, Alec insisted on doing so.

  “Here we are.” He gives me a sad smile, his eyes going to the door behind me.

  “It was really great seeing you,” I tell him, as a tight ball of emotion forms in my chest.

  “I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.” His dark eyes meet mine and a million thoughts run through my mind.

  What if this is it? What if this is the last time I see him? What if he realizes what I already have? That there’s no way we can go back to the people we were before we knew the truth.

  We’ve spent the last two years trying and failing. Which is why it’s been so long since we’ve spoken. Because deep down we both know that contact is torturing us. If we were smart, we would rip the Band-Aid off now and save ourselves the torment of continuing to pull it off slowly.

  “Me either,” I admit.

  “You’re all I think about, Hope. I know we said we couldn’t do this, but I want to. I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

  “Alec, please.” I know if he keeps going I might not have the strength to turn him away.

  “Our friendship is never going to be the same, is it?”

  “No.”

  “Then why can’t we try for something more?”

  “You know why.”

  “Because of Lucy? That was two years ago.”

  “It’s not just because of Lulu. You live in Missouri. I live in New York. You know as well as I do that it would never work.”

  “I can’t accept that.”

  “You’re going to have to.”

  Despite my words, when he steps toward me, I don’t step away. When he reaches out and tugs me to his chest, I don’t try to stop him. I feel the high coming on fast and strong and all I want is more. One more hit. One more line. Just more...

  One second I’m fighting with all my might to not give in and the next, I’m up on the balls of my feet with my lips pressed to his.

  Like a wild animal, I turn savage, clawing and tugging at him like he’s a juicy piece of meat and I haven’t eaten in weeks.

  When we stumble inside my dorm room, I glance around quickly to confirm that Sophie isn’t here before I pull him back down to me.

  Clothes fly off in rapid succession. My shirt. His shirt. My pants. His pants. We can’t seem to get out of them fast enough.

  I have no thought of consequence. No worry about what happens next. No concern with anything other than satisfying this need building in my lower belly.

  I’m desperate. Overrun with a hunger I’ve never felt before.

  All the times I knew something was missing. This was it. This was what was missing... Alec.

  And when he settles between my thighs and slides inside me, I’m lost...

  To the sensation. To the overwhelming feeling of being filled to the brink. To the way my body sings at his touch.

  This is how it’s supposed to be.

  This... With Alec.

  And I know with absolute certainty that I’ll never be the same again.

  ——

  “Can I ask you something?” Alec’s voice filters through the darkness of my room.

  “Sure.” My voice is soft, barely breaking the surface.

  “If I lived here in New York, would you want to be with me?”

  “What do you mean?” I stupidly ask, not sure how to answer his question.

  Would I want to be with him? The answer is simple. Of course I would. Hell, I want to be with him now even though he lives hundreds of miles away.

  “Exactly as it sounds. If I lived here in New York, would you want to be with me?”

  “But you don’t live in New York.” Instead of giving him a straightforward answer, I dodge his inquiry.

  “I know.” He shifts to his side so that we’re facing each other. The room is dark but I can still make out the shape of his face.

  Tonight has been like a dream. A dream I never want to wake up from. But I have a nagging feeling that when the sun rises and washes away this perfect night, things will be a lot more complicated than they seem right now.

  “But what if I transferred here?”

  “Transferred here? As in New York?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Alec, you can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you love where you are. You love your classes. You’ve even landed a T.A. position with a professor that has the ability to open a ton of doors for you.”

  “And?”

  “And, why would you want to give that up?”

  “Is it so hard to believe that you’re more important than where I go to school?”

  “Yes,” I answer bluntly.

  “You have no idea how much I care about you, do you?”

  His question has my heart kicking against my ribcage.

  “But you said so yourself. You decided to attend school in Missouri so that you could live at home and not be strapped down with an excessive amount of debt when you graduate.”

  “It’s just money.”

  “Just money?” I balk at him. “No, Alec, it’s your future. And I can’t ask you to do that. Not for me.”

  “You didn’t ask,” he points out.

 
“Even still, you know as well as I do that you moving here isn’t the right choice. As much as I selfishly want you here with me, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I let you give up everything you’ve worked for to come to New York.”

  “Even if I want to?”

  “Even if you want to,” I confirm.

  “I don’t want to leave you. Not when I feel like I finally have you.”

  “I’ll still be here.”

  “Yeah, but it’s not the same thing and you know it.”

  Of course I do. The thought of him leaving makes me want to curl into a ball and cry, but I can’t think about that. Not right now. Not when I’m lying next to him, staring at his profile in the darkness. Feeling his body pressed against mine.

  I don’t know what morning will bring, so I want to hold onto tonight for as long as possible.

  “You wanna know my biggest regret?” he asks after a long bout of silence passes between us.

  “What?”

  “Asking Lucy to be my girlfriend instead of you.”

  “Alec.”

  “I’m serious. I thought about it, you know. That day in my room when we were talking. But then you acted like you were excited at the prospect of me and Lucy and I don’t know, I guess I decided that we were never going to be more than friends.”

  “I remember that,” I admit. “But I wasn’t excited. In fact, the thought of you two together made me so sick to my stomach that I had to leave. But what was I supposed to say?”

  “Be with me and not her.”

  “Yeah, because that wouldn’t have thrown my world into chaos. Lulu would have hated me. Hell, she still might.”

  “Are you going to tell her about us?” he asks.

  “I don’t see how I can’t,” I admit.

  “Good.”

  “Good?”

  “She needs to know. It’s time that how we feel about each other is out there. I’m sick of pretending like I don’t think about you every single day. Like you’re not on my mind constantly.”

  “I think about you too, ya know? More than I care to admit.”

  “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.” He shifts again, this time rolling me to my back as he climbs on top of me. He hovers over me, his weight pressing me into the mattress. He stares down at me so long that I start to grow self-conscious under his gaze. It doesn’t matter that I’m hidden by darkness, I can still feel his eyes raking over my face.

  “Are you still in love with me?” he asks point blank this time, lowering his face so close to mine that I can feel his breath dance across my lips. “The way you were in love with me when you wrote that letter?”

  “More so,” I answer honestly. After tonight, how could I not be?

  “Another right answer.” With the tiny sliver of light through the window, I can see his white teeth as he smiles.

  Closing the inches between us, he kisses me, slow and deep, his tongue sliding effortlessly against mine.

  He takes his time, tasting me, testing me, seeing how my body responds to him. Earlier, we were both so desperate we barely had time to breathe. We were out of our clothes and going at it like wild animals who knew nothing outside of the pleasure they were giving to the other. But this time is different.

  This time is slow, methodical, passionate. He studies me. Kisses every inch of my bare body. Riles me up to the point of breaking and then coaxes me back down, never letting me tumble over the edge, no matter how desperately I want to.

  He plays my body like an instrument he’s spent years perfecting. Every note is on key. Every stroke is perfection. And when I finally come undone beneath him, I’ve never felt such pleasure, or such pain. Because I know when morning peeks over the horizon, he will be gone and again I will be forced to live without him. Without this...

  Only this time isn’t the same as last time. This time we both know what we want. And while distance may separate us now, it won’t forever. I have to believe that there will be a place for us somewhere, someday. I can’t bring myself to entertain that this will turn out any other way.

  Because now that I’ve touched him, tasted him, felt the sweet weight of him on top of me, I know there’s no going back.

  He is my drug. My addiction. And now that I’ve experienced the high of all highs, I know that nothing else will satisfy this hunger.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I open my eyes and blink against the bright sun pouring in through the blinds.

  I don’t have to look to know that Alec is gone. I can feel it. I can feel it in the lack of warmth in the room and by the way his smell barely lingers. Almost as if he was never here.

  But my body knows better.

  I stretch, my muscles deliciously sore. And while my head knows we made a mistake, I can’t quite seem to get my heart to agree.

  I didn’t intend to sleep with Alec once, let alone three times. I didn’t set out to betray my best friend. And I certainly never wanted to overcomplicate an already complicated situation. And yet, that’s exactly what I did.

  I want to regret it.

  But I can’t.

  How could I? How could I ever bring myself to regret a single moment spent with Alec?

  I may know that what we did was wrong, but it doesn’t change how incredible it was. How Alec moved across my body like it was made for him. Because maybe it was. Maybe my body was made for him like my heart was made to love him.

  And yet knowing all this doesn’t change the facts.

  Alec is my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. And she loved him... Once upon a time. And even if Lu wasn’t a factor, there’s no way we can make this work. Yet, isn’t that the very hope I was holding onto last night as we lay in each other’s arms? That one day we could make it work.

  The thought of Lulu has my head spinning in an entirely different direction.

  I have to tell her. A kiss was one thing, but this? I can’t keep this kind of secret from her. Can I?

  I told Alec I was going to tell her. And I know I need to. But it’s not like knowing it makes it any easier to do.

  Rolling to the side, I notice that Sophie’s bed is still made. Realizing she must have stayed with her boyfriend last night, which isn’t uncommon, I reach for my cell phone on my bedside table, pausing when a folded piece of paper catches my eye.

  Grabbing the paper instead of my phone, I unfold it, instantly recognizing Alec’s handwriting scribbled across the front.

  Hope,

  I woke up this morning with the overwhelming need to stay. Which is exactly why I left. I knew if you opened those beautiful eyes of yours and looked at me, I’d never be able to leave.

  I already know you’re overthinking what happened last night. Don’t. It was hands down the best night of my life.

  I know you say we can’t be together, but I disagree. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Someday you will be mine and I will be yours and all will be right with the world.

  Wait for me...

  All my love,

  Alec

  I re-read the letter over and over, trying to fully digest what he’s asking.

  He wants me to wait for him... And even though the thought seems absurd, isn’t that what I’ve basically been doing since the day I met him?

  Folding the piece of paper back up, I drop it into the top drawer of my nightstand before grabbing my phone. I stare at the home screen for several long moments, not sure what to do.

  Do I call Alec? And if so, what would I say?

  Do I call Lulu? Tell her everything and pray that she doesn’t hate me for the rest of my life.

  Do I call my mom and tell her that I made a horrible mistake, but I want to make it over and over again because being with Alec was like being alive for the first time in my twenty years on this earth?

  My mind spins in a million different directions. How can something feel so right yet so wrong at the same time?

  My phone buzzes in my hand, startling me to the point that I drop it onto the blanket
and have to sort through the thick comforter to find it again.

  When I see Lulu’s name flashing across the screen, it’s as if the universe is telling me what I already know.

  I have to tell her...

  “Hello.” My voice sounds heavy with sleep.

  “Hey, did I wake you?”

  “No, I’m awake.” I clear my throat and push up in bed.

  “You sure? Because it sounds like you’re half asleep.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  “Well in that case, thanks for calling me back yesterday, bitch.” She laughs.

  “Sorry. I got... busy.”

  “Busy with what?”

  “Well, erm...” I struggle with how to tell her. “Alec showed up here,” I admit on a quick breath.

  “Wait. What?” I hear the confusion in her voice.

  “Alec. He showed up here yesterday,” I repeat much slower this time.

  “Why the hell is he in New York?”

  “He’s here with a professor. Something about meeting with some editors from Vanity Fair.”

  “And he came to see you?”

  “He did.” I clear my throat again.

  “Well, what did he want?” She seems annoyed that she has to ask and the nervous quell in my stomach only intensifies.

  “To see me, I guess.”

  “Why are you being so vague?”

  “I’m not. That’s why he came. He said he was in New York for the night, and since I live only a couple hours outside of the city, he thought he’d come see me.”

  “But why?”

  “What do you mean why? You know Alec and I are still friends.”

  She falls silent for a long moment before finally asking, “How did he look?”

  “Really good,” I answer honestly. “Though I’m not sure that was the answer you wanted me to give you.”

  “Am I that transparent?” She snorts.

  “Maybe just a little.” I pull in a deep breath, preparing to say five words I never dreamt I would be saying to my best friend—I slept with your ex-boyfriend.

  “I can’t believe he came to see you,” she comments before I can get the words out. “I’ve tried texting him a few times but the asshole hasn’t had the decency to respond.”

  My stomach dips further. She’s tried reaching out to him?