Almost Never

by Melissa Toppen

  “I’m so sorry, Lu. For everything.”

  “Me too.” She sighs. “Please, for me, read the other parts. I promise that once you do, Alec will be the only person you want to talk to.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  “And when you’re finished, call him. Stop worrying about me and worry about yourself for once. I may be hurt by how everything went down, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. But if all of this was for nothing? Well, what a shame that would be.”

  “I love you, Lulu.”

  “I love you too.” With that, the line goes dead.

  I throw the device onto the counter and quickly turn back to my computer, searching the site for Alec’s other pieces. It takes me no time to find them, and once I do, I immediately dive into part two.

  Much like part one, part two covers a piece of our past. The day of my graduation party. He talks about finding the letter, the kiss, everything he wanted in that moment.

  The more I read, the more apparent it becomes of what Lulu was talking about. The way he talks about me... God, it’s almost more than I can take.

  Part three nearly guts me. It’s about his trip to New York and our night together. I never realized how much I had hurt him by cutting him out of my life, but in reading his pain that comes through so vividly in his words, it takes guilt to an entirely new level.

  Part four covers the time around Bella’s wedding. The argument with Lulu and his and my conversation on the front porch. His promise to wait. My reluctance to commit to a future. Again, I’m overcome with so much guilt I’m not sure what to do with any of it.

  This whole time I’ve been worried about Lulu. Her feelings. Her heart. And in doing so, I broke Alec’s over and over again without realizing it.

  I want to call him—apologize for everything—beg for his forgiveness, but I feel like I need to read the last part first. I feel like I need to know where he stands now before I take that step.

  It says the article will go live at ten a.m., so until then, I do what I’ve been doing for the last six years... I wait.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  And so this is where our story ends. At the beginning. At the start of our lives together. You can’t really say it’s the end, though, because our story is far from over.

  The closing line to Alec’s serial is one I could read a hundred times over. It’s his version of our happy ending. He shows up at my apartment, tells me he’s done living without me, then pulls me into his arms and kisses me, telling me he’ll never let me go again. And even though none of it has actually happened, the way he paints the picture makes me want everything he said and so much more.

  But the truth of the matter is, our circumstances haven’t changed. He still lives in Missouri and I’m here in New York. We still have so much time and distance between us. A past riddled with mistakes and almosts.

  “Hey, Hope. Would you mind helping Louie with prep today?” asks my boss, Marco, sticking his head out of the back office as I pass.

  “Yeah, of course.” I force a smile, the weight Alec’s article still heavy on my mind.

  It went live this morning, and even though every part of me wanted to pick up the phone and call him, for some reason I didn’t.

  “You okay?” Marco hesitates in the doorway.

  “Yeah, fine,” I lie.

  I met Marco in Italy. His family owns a vineyard outside of Piedmont. His grandfather actually provided our introduction and while I didn’t feel like I made the best impression, he offered me a job, so I guess it couldn’t have been that bad.

  I don’t know him very well, but he’s every bit as charming as the other members of his family. He’s also one of the most talented chefs I’ve ever met. He’s proved as much in the few short days I’ve been working with him.

  “You sure? You look a little peaked,” he observes, his accent thick.

  “Just didn’t sleep well.” That part is the truth.

  I tossed and turned all night long, unable to shut my mind off. I’ve read Alec’s words so many times they’re most likely etched into my brain. They’ve absolutely consumed me. And not just because they are about me, but because they are some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever read.

  I knew Alec was talented—I’ve always known. But I didn’t know he was capable of what he wrote in that serial. Such love and pain. Able to translate his deepest emotions from his mind to the page.

  “It’s going to be a busy one tonight. You sure you’re up for it.”

  “I’m sure.” I smile again.

  “Okay. Well, get to it then.”

  “You got it.” I nod to Marco before heading in the direction of the prepping stations.

  Working in New York City has always been my dream. Where actors go to Los Angeles to try and make it big, chefs from all over the world travel to New York City in hopes of landing a job even half as fantastic as the one I have found myself in. And while this was always the goal, something is missing.

  I don’t have to look very far to know what that is. Alec. Alec is missing.

  I’ve spent so long denying myself, fighting my own heart in an effort to do the right thing. Now I’m not sure what the right thing is.

  Like most dinner shifts, the night is over before I’ve realized it’s begun. The kitchen is such a fast-paced whirlwind that one minute you’re preparing for the dinner rush and the next you’re closing down your station and wondering where the hell the last five hours have gone.

  I love it. I love everything about it. I love learning from some of the best in the business. I love the excitement I feel as the orders pile into the kitchen. I love how in my element I feel. I’ve never felt more at home than in a kitchen.

  But that’s not entirely true, either. There’s one place that feels more like home than anywhere else in the world...

  After my shift, I catch a taxi back to my apartment. Normally I would walk the ten blocks but tonight I’m too exhausted. All I want to do is go home, crawl under my covers, and try to forget about the one person that never seems to leave my mind.

  When the car pulls up outside of my building, I pay the driver and quickly slip out, my legs so heavy it feels like cinder blocks are tied around my ankles.

  The three flights of stairs to my apartment takes twice as long as it normally would. I can’t seem to get my body to cooperate, and honestly, I don’t care that much. It’s not like I have anyone to rush home to. No one waiting to greet me when I walk inside. No one to kiss me. No one to ask me how my day was.

  I’m completely and utterly alone. And I did it to myself.

  When I turn the corner at the top of the stairs, I spot someone sitting on the floor next to my apartment door. My insides tighten and I look both ways down the hallway, hoping someone else is around just in case. After all, this is New York City.

  I debate walking right back down the stairs but for some reason I don’t. Instead, I lower my gaze, keeping my eyes on my feet as I continue to my apartment.

  As I get closer, my body becomes hyper aware. All the tiny little hairs on the back of my neck stand and I glance up, not able to ignore the sensation of being watched.

  And that’s when our eyes meet and every ounce of air leaves my body.

  Alec...

  He’s sitting next to my door, his knees pulled up to his chest. A ball cap covers his thick, dark hair. He gives me a hesitant smile as he climbs to his feet, his dimples hidden beneath the short beard he’s grown out.

  God, he looks good. So good that my heart physically aches at the sight of him.

  “What...” I pause just shy of my door, confusion marring my face. “What are you doing here?”

  “Henry told me where you live. I didn’t even know you were back.” The hurt in his eyes can’t be masked, but there’s something else there too. Something almost hopeful.

  “I got back two weeks ago.” My voice comes out high and breaks at the end.

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I did
n’t know what to say.”

  “I’ve missed you.” He takes a step toward me and my entire body stiffens.

  “I’ve missed you,” I admit.

  “I’ve thought about you every single day since the last time I saw you.”

  “Me too.” I shuffle my feet. “Do you, uh, maybe want to come in?”

  “Yes, I absolutely want to come in.” Another smile. This one wide enough that if I look closely, I can see the deep dimples that indent both of his cheeks.

  My hand shakes as I fumble with my keys. After a couple failed attempts, I finally get the key into the lock, pushing the door open moments later.

  He waits until I’ve stepped into the apartment before following me inside. It’s strange. I’ve never felt more awkward and yet completely at ease at the same time.

  I flip on a lamp and light fills the small space.

  “Sorry for the mess.” I gesture around the room, even though it’s hardly messy. “I’m still getting settled.”

  “I’m sorry for showing up unannounced... Again,” he counters, walking further into the room as I shut and lock the door.

  “Why did you?” I ask after several beats of silence have passed between us. “Show up unannounced, I mean.”

  “Truthfully,” he blows out a heavy breath, “I didn’t know if you’d take my call if I tried giving you a heads up. And,” he continues after a short pause, “a part of me was afraid you would tell me not to come.”

  “It feels weird. Having you here. Standing in my apartment. It feels like years have passed since I last saw you. But like it was just yesterday at the same time. You look exactly the same. Well,” I gesture to his face, “besides the beard. Which looks really good on you.”

  “Thank you.” He chuckles, clearly picking up on how nervous I am.

  “This is weird, right?” I’m not sure what to say or do.

  “It’s a little weird,” he admits, a grin touching his lips. “But a good weird.”

  “Yeah, a good weird.” I nod my head. “Can I get a drink? Maybe a glass of wine?”

  “Since when do you drink wine?” He quirks an eyebrow.

  “Um, hello. A year in Italy.” I smile when he does.

  “I haven’t forgotten.”

  “Luca took me to some amazing vineyards while we were there and I really got a taste for the stuff.”

  “Luca?” His shoulders stiffen.

  “He’s a friend of mine that was in the same program as me. His family’s from Italy, but he was born here in the States. He was just as eager to explore as I was.”

  “I see.” His eyes are on me as I make my way into the kitchen.

  Pulling two glasses down from the cabinet, I grab a bottle of Moscato from the refrigerator before pouring us both half a glass.

  “I tried so many wines while I was there, but this one is hands down my favorite.” I turn, finding him standing a couple of feet behind me. Clearing my throat, I extend his glass to him.

  “What else did you and Luca do?” His voice changes when he says Luca’s name.

  “Everything.”

  “Everything?”

  “Yeah, we took classes together, we went sightseeing together.”

  “So you two have a lot in common?” He looks down at the glass in his hand.

  “We do.” I can’t help but smile, realizing where his mind is going and knowing he couldn’t be further from the truth. “Including our taste in men.” His eyes dart up to mine and he couldn’t cover the relief that washes over his face if he tried.

  “He’s gay?”

  “Oh yeah.” I giggle, tipping the wine glass to my lips.

  He follows suit, taking a small drink of his wine.

  “Good, right?” I ask as he lowers his glass.

  “Sweeter than I expected.”

  “The sweet wines are my favorite. I tried liking dry wine, but I couldn’t get there.”

  “Can’t say I’ve ever tried it.”

  “You aren’t missing anything.” I jerk my head toward the couch. “You wanna sit?”

  “Sure.”

  He follows me through the open space, taking the spot on the couch opposite me. Instead of sitting back, he leans forward, resting his elbows just above his knees.

  “I had this whole speech planned.” He keeps his gaze trained on his wine glass as he begins to speak. “I knew exactly what I needed to say. But when I saw you...” His words trail off.

  “I read your serial. You wrote about me.” My voice is riddled with uncertainty.

  “Of course I did. I’ve been writing about you for years.” His eyes swing to mine.

  “Did you mean what you said? Was all of it true?”

  “Every single word,” he answers without hesitation. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “Just like you said you would be.” He’d written about showing up and declaring his love for me, but I never expected him to do it.

  Wait, is that what he’s doing?

  “I’m in love with you, Hope. Always have been. Always will be. No matter what happens, it will always be you. You have to know that by now.”

  “It’s always been you too,” I admit, leaning forward to set my wine glass on the coffee table in front of me. Alec mirrors my actions, turning toward me at the exact moment I turn toward him.

  “Why do I feel like there’s a but coming?” he asks.

  “Because there is.”

  “No.” He shakes his head, abruptly pushing to his feet. “No! For years you’ve pushed me away. Told me why we can’t be together. I’m not listening to it anymore. There’s nothing stopping us. You graduated. I graduated. Lucy knows everything. There is absolutely nothing standing in our way.”

  “Have you forgotten that we live hundreds of miles from each other?”

  “Actually, we don’t.”

  “What do you mean we don’t?” I look up at him, confusion the most prominent thing I feel.

  “When I found out you were home, I didn’t hesitate. I tied up my loose ends, packed everything worth bringing, and I drove seventeen hours straight here.”

  “Wait, what?” My confusion deepens.

  “I’m done doing this dance we’ve been doing the last few years. I want you in my life, Hope, and there isn’t a thing in this world I’m not willing to give up to make sure that happens.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that I love you and that I want to be with you. No, I need to be with you.” He turns, kneeling down in front of me. “I need you like I need air to breathe. You are the only thing that has ever felt right to me. The only thing. You are my home, Hope Russell. You always have been.”

  “Alec,” I choke, emotion building in my throat.

  “I know all the reasons why you think we can’t be together, but the truth of the matter is, none of that matters anymore. The only thing standing in our way is us. I’m here. I’m in New York. And I will be here for as long as you want me here.”

  “I... I can’t let you give up everything.”

  “Give up everything?” He smiles. “Hope Russell, you are my everything. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want this too.”

  “You know I do, but...”

  He kneels down and presses his fingers gently to my lips, silencing me. “No buts. Do you want me or don’t you?”

  I reach up and wrap my fingers around his wrist, tugging his hand away.

  “I do,” I admit, knowing there’s nothing I want more than to be with him.

  “Then I’m yours.”

  With that, he leans in and presses his lips to mine.

  My entire body comes to life at his touch. Every ounce of pain and guilt I’ve carried with me fades to the background. My path has never been more clear. I know what I want. I’ve always known.

  Alec’s fingers tangle in the back of my hair and he tugs me closer, deepening the kiss. I groan into his mouth, sparks of desire flicking through my body like tiny fireworks.

  A year apart and it’s like no t
ime has passed at all.

  “Alec.” I pull away, even though it’s the last thing I want to do.

  “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. We’ve already said all that matters. It’s you and me now, Hope. You and me. The way it was always meant to be.”

  “I love you.” Tears prick the backs of my eyes. “I’m so sorry. For everything I put you through. For all my indecision and uncertainty.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.” He silences me with another kiss. “Just say you’re mine. Tell me you’ll be mine forever,” he mutters against my lips.

  “I’m yours,” I promise, knowing there’s never been a more true statement in the world. I am his. And it’s about time I stop fighting that and start embracing it.

  I’ve loved him since I was sixteen years old. I’ve dreamt about this day since we ran into one another in the hallway. Of a day when he would be mine. And now that it’s here, I can’t think of a single reason to stop it. And I don’t want to either.

  I’ve caused so much damage trying to fight my feelings for him. Had I been up front from the beginning, I would have saved both of us a lot of time and heartache.

  And while Lulu still weighs heavy on my mind, I know that this is the right choice. I can feel it deep in my bones. I was put on this earth to love Alec Murray. And I plan to do so until my dying breath.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  My eyes flutter open and lock with Alec’s. He’s curled on his side facing me, our noses so close they are nearly touching.

  “Hey,” he whispers, and even though I can’t see his mouth, I know he’s smiling.

  “Hey.” I slide my hand under my cheek and drape my leg over his. “What time is it?”

  “Just after seven.”

  “In the morning?”

  He nods.

  “Have you slept?” I ask, my voice thick with sleep.

  “A little. But mainly I’ve been watching you.”

  “Because that’s not weird or anything.” I pull my bottom lip into my mouth in an attempt to hide my smile.

  “I couldn’t help myself. You’re just so damn beautiful.” He leans in and slides his nose against mine. It’s the single cutest thing ever. “So what’s the plan for today?”