A Love Worth Saving

by Amanda Canham

  ‘Really? Doing what?’ Cara asked, disbelief scrawled across her face.

  Without saying a word, Ana held two fingers to her lips and slipped her tongue between them.

  Cara’s eyes went wide, the wine she’d just sipped spurting out across the pavement in front of her. Beside her, Gabby was doubled over in chest-rumbling laughter.

  ‘Seriously?’ Cara managed to sputter out between breaths. ‘Travis? In the kitchen? Doing that.’

  ‘Mm-hmm. Right next to my dinner.’

  ‘Woot! Go Travis!’ Gabby cheered, resting her empty wine glass on the table in front of them. ‘Sorry, love,’ Gabby told Ana when she turned mock-injured eyes towards her. ‘I’m just glad Travis is finally having some fun.’

  ‘Yeah, I didn’t think he had it in him. He always seemed like a lights-out-and-only-in-the-bed kind of guy,’ Cara agreed.

  ‘Maybe that was just because he was with boring bitch face,’ Gabby chimed in.

  ‘Whoa, wait up guys, what about poor me having to see that?’

  ‘Meh, that sort of thing is going to happen when you live with a couple,’ Cara shrugged, not in the least bit sympathetic.

  ‘Yeah, if you don’t want it to happen, you should find somewhere else to live,’ Gabby suggested.

  ‘But I don’t live with a couple. Just Travis.’

  ‘Still, that’s always the risk when you’re share-housing. So, what did you do when you saw them?’

  ‘What do you think I did?’ Ana asked, rather disgruntled at the lack of sympathy. ‘I backed out of the room, and ran out of the house.’

  ‘Without saying anything?’

  ‘Of course without saying anything. The last thing I wanted to do was interrupt them.’

  ‘Oh, poor little Ana, running away like a scared little prude.’

  ‘I’m not a scared little prude. I just don’t want to see my brother going down on his girlfriend.’

  ‘And again I’ll say: you won’t have this problem if you move out. Isn’t it time you started getting back on your own two feet after the break up with Carl? You weren’t that in love with him, were you?’

  Ana stared at the empty glass, twirling the stem between her fingers, a mulish set to her mouth. But it only lasted a moment before she gave in to the truth.

  ‘Fine. I wasn’t that in love with him. I just…I guess I was more in love with the idea of him and what it would mean to settle down. I’m going to be thirty in a couple of months. I don’t really want to live in a share house with a bunch of twenty-something’s, but getting an apartment on my own…’

  Just the thought of it sent shudders of fear down her spine. She’d never lived alone. Never. But she didn’t want to admit the real reason for her hesitation to her friends. It wasn’t something she admitted to anyone.

  ‘It would feel like I was, I don’t know, giving up on love or something. I’d feel like I should get a couple of cats, and take up knitting, like the lonely old spinster I’ll be,’ she said instead.

  ‘Says the woman who’s sworn off men,’ Gabby teased, gently squeezing Ana’s shoulder.

  ‘Don’t pander her,’ Cara told Gabby. ‘You’re being way too over-dramatic. I’ve had my own apartment for years, you don’t see me moping about being left on the shelf,’ she dismissed Ana’s concerns easily.

  Despite the harshness of her friend’s words, Ana couldn’t help but crack a smile. Gabby must have been doing the same, because Cara’s eyes flicked between the two of them.

  ‘What?’

  Ana and Gabby exchanged a quick glance before turning back to Cara. ‘Well, it’s just…’

  ‘You’re a hard-ass, Cara. Of course you’re fine living by yourself.’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ Cara snorted, but Gabby wouldn’t let her get away with it.

  ‘Don’t pretend to be offended. You know you’ve always been the toughest of the three of us.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll give you that one. But there’s still no reason why Ana can’t get an apartment on her own. You had your own place, Gab, before Ana moved in with you.’

  ‘This is true,’ Gabby conceded, turning thoughtful eyes on Ana.

  Her skin crawling under the scrutiny of both sets of eyes, Ana felt like shrinking away from them. ‘Okay, fine, I’ll start looking for a place,’ she conceded, unable to hold up under the pressure any longer. There was no harm in looking. It didn’t mean she had to do anything about it.

  ‘Yay!’ Gabby practically jumped out of her seat with the cheer. ‘That deserves a toast.’ Grabbing both Ana’s and her own empty glasses, Gabby headed back into the kitchen.

  ‘I think I need a refill, too,’ Cara took another delicate sip from her near empty glass, before moving towards the kitchen.

  ‘I’ll just grab my phone, so we can start looking,’ Ana told her friends as she followed them into the kitchen.

  ‘That’s great. Nothing like getting straight into it.’

  Unlocking the device, Ana stared down at the blank screen, disappointment sinking through her veins. It had been stupid, but she’d half-expected a call from Brad.

  The night was early though, maybe he still would call. He usually did after they ran into each other. It was the only time he called.

  Hiding the hope from her friends, Ana grabbed her now full glass and followed her friends back out onto the patio. While she waited for the others, she flicked open her Facebook page and updated her status to “Love catching up with my besties”, tagging Cara and Gabby in the status and “checking in” at The Love Shack. It still gave her the giggles remembering the night her and Cara named Gabby’s new place The Love Shack.

  ‘Hey, have you given them an answer about the job yet?’ Gabby turned and asked her as they sat back down.

  ‘No, not yet. But I can’t take it.’ Ana sighed, placing her phone on the table in front of her.

  ‘Sounds to me like you want to take it.’

  ‘Of course I want to take it. It’s my dream job.’

  ‘Hold up,’ Cara placed her wine glass on the table. ‘What job are you talking about?’

  ‘Didn’t I tell you? I’ve been offered a job as a Home Services Manager for a new portable sleep service.’

  ‘Holy hell, girl. That’s fabulous! What does it involve?’

  Ana went through the ins and outs of it for Cara, and as she did, she could feel excitement bubbling inside her. The job was so perfect.

  ‘Wow! So why aren’t you taking it?’

  Ana took another gulp of her wine before answering that one.

  ‘The GP clinic it’s based in is Brad’s.’

  Ana waited for the gasp of shock, the sad understanding gazes, but they weren’t forthcoming. She looked back across at Cara to find her friend staring at her in disbelief.

  ‘What?’

  ‘That’s the reason you’re going to give up on your dream job? On actually making a career for yourself?’

  ‘If I took the job, it would mean seeing him every day, working closely with him to care for his patients…’ she trailed off under the unrelenting force of Cara’s gaze and downed another gulp of wine.

  ‘So? You seem to like being around him, otherwise you wouldn’t keep going back for more,’ Cara added.

  ‘That’s a bit harsh, Cara,’ Gabby admonished but the other woman shrugged, refusing to back down.

  ‘It’s the truth. There’s no point hiding from it.’

  ‘Okay, fine, you’re right. I could probably handle seeing him every day.’ Who was she kidding? She’d love seeing him every day. ‘But it’s not just about me. I could never do that to Brad. It’s quite clear he doesn’t like being around me. I couldn’t force myself on him like that. He’s done too much for me already.’

  ‘Oh, pooey to that,’ Gabby declared, batting a dismissive hand in front of her face.

  ‘Exactly,’ Cara agreed, stamping a foot on the floor. ‘You put too much stock in one heroic action a lifetime ago. How about all the crap he’s put you through in the last ten years? Sure
ly he owes you?’

  ‘I’m not going to ask for payment for services like a hooker!’

  ‘Oh, I don’t mean that and you know it. He’s given you enough pain to more than make up for saving your life.’

  ‘Do we really have to rehash all of this? I already told you I didn’t want to talk about him tonight.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Why are you so keen for me to take on this job? You almost lost it when you saw us at the hospital together.’

  ‘This is different,’ Cara insisted, refusing to back down. ‘This is for your future. This job—’

  ‘Just stop it right there. I told you, I’m not going to take a job that’s going to put both Brad and I through an enormous amount of pain. I’m just not going to do it. End of topic.’

  Jumping to her feet before either of her friends could answer her, Ana scooped up her glass and headed into the kitchen. Dumping it on the bench, Ana leant forward, taking in a few slow deep breaths to settle the emotions running rampant inside her chest.

  She could handle this. She’d handled worse. She’d get through the drilling from her friends tonight, and come Monday she’d tell Jenny she couldn’t take the job. In fact, she could probably shoot off an email from her phone now. She reached into her pocket to pull out her phone, but came up empty.

  Damn! She’d left it on the table. Well, as soon as she got back out there, she’d send off the email, and then nobody could try to change her mind. But first, she needed to duck into the loo for a quick moment of relief.

  Just as she was finishing up, she heard a familiar, faint ring tone. Her phone!

  Washing her hands as fast as her nursing instincts would allow, Ana raced out of the bathroom and down the corridor. She knew she shouldn’t get her hopes up. It could be Travis, or her stepbrother Pierce, or someone she wouldn’t even think of. But she hoped it wasn’t any of those people.

  She knew she shouldn’t want it to be Brad, but she couldn’t help how she felt.

  As she moved down the hallway, coming closer to the kitchen she could hear her friends bickering over the sound of the ringing phone. By the time she reached the kitchen, the bickering had ended, and the musical ringtone silenced, only to be replaced by the sound of Cara’s loud, drawling voice.

  ‘Fancy hearing from you tonight.’

  Ana stopped, frozen in her tracks. Those words, that tone, could only mean one thing.

  ‘No, I’m not Ana. Ana’s not available.’

  Heart pounding heavily, slowly pumping icy blood through her veins, Ana inched her way across the kitchen towards the sliding door. Gabby hovered by the glass-topped table, nervously pacing back and forth, whilst Cara—her back to the house—was gradually strolling into the yard.

  ‘No, don’t bother calling back later. There’ll be no booty calls tonight. At least, not for you.’

  Ana gasped at her friend’s harsh words. Cara seemed to be taking great pleasure in taunting Brad. Anger simmered inside Ana as she pushed open the security screen door. She knew Cara was acting out of misplaced protectiveness, but still...

  Her movements jerky and stilted, Ana moved out onto the patio.

  ‘I tried to stop her,’ Gabby whispered, her face pale.

  ‘Not hard enough, clearly.’

  ‘Of course that’s why you’re ringing…uh-huh…No, sorry. Not buying it. If you really cared about her, you’d give her the job at your practice.’

  Oh my God!

  All the blood drained from Ana’s face. How dare Cara say that? How dare she bring that up? It was not her place, not her right to!

  There was a loud whooshing sound racing through her ears, as though Niagara Falls had taken up residence inside her head. Her skin kept switching from hot to cold sweats so quickly, she thought for a minute she might faint.

  She didn’t, thank goodness. Once the shock wore off, the ice in her veins melted and she raced across the patio towards her supposed friend.

  ‘Of course she wants it,’ Cara continued, her back still facing Ana. ‘It’s her dream job…Why do you think?’

  She could just imagine what Brad was thinking right now. He was hard enough on himself already. She needed to fix this, and fast.

  Tapping Cara on the shoulder, Ana yanked the phone out of her hand.

  ‘Hey Brad, sorry about that. Cara’s had too much to drink and has let her inner bitch out,’ she stared furiously at her friend.

  Cara stared back at her defiantly, clearly still feeling her words were justified. Unable to look at her any longer, Ana turned away and continued walking through the backyard, away from her friends so she could have some privacy.

  ‘That’s…ah…probably no more than I deserve,’ he assured her, his husky voice settling around her like a second skin.

  ‘No, it’s not. You have to stop beating up on yourself. You’re a—’

  ‘Don’t. Please don’t say that.’

  She didn’t understand why he seemed to shy away from compliments so much. Ever since the night her mum died, when Brad had saved her life, he’d shied away from praise of any kind. It didn’t make sense.

  ‘I want to talk about you,’ he continued, quickly shifting the focus off himself. As always.

  ‘What…about…me?’ Now it was Ana’s turn to become hesitant.

  ‘Is it true?’

  ‘Is what true?’

  ‘Don’t play dumb, Ana. It doesn’t suit you.’ There was a teasing note to his voice, though, and she just knew he was smiling as he said it.

  ‘Okay, fine. I won’t,’ she answered, unable to stop a smile of her own from spreading across her face. Why couldn’t they just have fun and relax like this when they were together?

  A moment passed, and then two. Ana knew he was waiting for her to continue, but she didn’t. Two could play this teasing game. Finally, he gave in and her smile broadened

  ‘The job. Do you really want it?’

  Yes. That was what she wanted to say. It was the truth. And if they could get on like this all the time…but they couldn’t.

  ‘If I’d wanted it, I would have applied for it.’

  ‘Really? So if the exact same job was with another practice, you wouldn’t apply for it?’

  ‘No,’ she insisted, but her voice came out a bit wobbly. Damn! At best, she was a passable liar when she was sober, but clearly even those meagre skills disappeared after a couple of glasses of wine. ‘Okay, fine, I would take it if it was somewhere else. I’d jump at it. But it doesn’t matter because the job isn’t at another G.P. practice. It’s at yours, so I can’t take it.’

  ‘Why not? I don’t smell that bad, do I?’

  ‘You know why not.’ Her smile was gone now. All that remained was a bone weary sadness that plunged straight through to her heart.

  As the silence set in across the phone line, Ana slumped against the back fence, sinking to the ground.

  ‘I just…I didn’t know I’d hurt you. I thought you liked what we did. What we—’

  ‘I do. It’s not about me, Brad. It’s about you. You can’t bear to be around me for more than a few hours at a time, months apart. How would you ever cope seeing me on a daily basis?’

  ‘Me? I don’t hate being around you.’

  ‘You don’t?’

  ‘No. Why would you think that?’

  ‘Because…’ Did she have the balls to put it into words? Normally she wouldn’t. But the alcohol swirling around her veins gave her that little bit of extra courage—loosened her tongue—and it came flying out.

  ‘Because you take off. You leave me in the middle of the night and then I don’t hear from you for months on end.’

  A stunned silence followed her words. The seconds ticked painfully by and she wished she could gobble the words back up.

  ‘That’s why you think I leave?’

  ‘Yes,’ the word squeaked out, as if she’d suddenly turned into a mouse.

  ‘It’s not. Trust me, it’s not.’

  ‘Then why?’

 
; The silence that followed was lengthier this time. She wasn’t sure she’d get an answer from him. But then: ‘You deserve better than me, Ana.’

  What was that supposed to mean? No further explanation was forthcoming, though, and Ana was all out of the courage to ask.

  ‘Please don’t turn the job down because of me, because you think…You don’t have to worry about me. I’d love having you at work.’

  ‘You would?’

  ‘Of course I would, especially if it meant my patients could be treated in a week or two, rather than a year. Now are you going to apply for this job or what?’

  She could feel the resistance draining out of her. It really was her dream job. And, deep down, she would love seeing little bits of Brad every day without him running away.

  ‘Please, can you promise me you’ll at least think about it? Really think about it?’

  ‘Okay, I’ll think about it,’ she agreed.

  ‘And then, come Monday, you’ll accept the offer,’ he added for good measure, and she could feel his smile across the phone line. A warm rush of giddy pleasure washed through her body.

  ‘Now I didn’t say that.’ Ana couldn’t help her own smile spreading across her face. ‘But I will think about it. I promise.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Ana! Your wine’s getting warm!’

  Ana’s gaze flew across the yard to see Gabby waving her wine goblet through the air, trying to get her attention.

  ‘You should go,’ Brad said in her ear.

  ‘Did you hear that?’

  ‘Of course. I think the whole south-side heard that. Gabby’s not exactly quiet,’ he added with a chuckle.

  ‘No, she’s not.’

  But still she didn’t hang up. Oh, she knew she had to, but it was just so hard to cut any form of connection with him.

  ‘So, ah, do you want to come over later?’

  Ana’s breath caught in her throat, the husky question catching her off guard. She looked to the ground, her fingers swirling through the dirt, blocking out the sound of Gabby chanting ‘Ana. Ana. Ana,’ as she tried to figure out her answer.

  ‘I’m supposed to be going out with Cara.’ To meet guys. She didn’t verbalise the last three words, but they hung stiff and unsaid between them.

  ‘Of course. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. You should go out and, ah…and have fun…’