A Love Worth Saving

by Amanda Canham

  The only analogy that sprang to mind was the way he’d been half living his own life, unable to face up to the issues haunting his dreams. He’d fooled himself all these years, thinking that flitting from one relationship to another was enough.

  It wasn’t. All he wanted was one long relationship with Ana. But he would never have it if he kept running out on her during the night. It was little wonder it sprang to mind; he’d been thinking about little else these past few days.

  Still, it was not something he was going to share with his patient.

  ‘What you think of as wide awake and full of energy is only half as energetic as you could be, if your sleep wasn’t constantly disrupted by your breathing disturbances.’

  ‘Jeez. How bad is it?’

  Glancing at the report on his computer screen, Brad verified the results before turning back to his patient. ‘Your Respiratory Disturbance Index was forty two point three, which classifies you as clinically severe. You were worse when you were sleeping on your back, with an RDI of sixty one, although sleep apnoea was still present when you were sleeping laterally.’

  ‘Sorry, Doctor, but what does “Respiratory Disturbance Index” mean?’ Shirley interrupted.

  ‘That’s the number of times Ralph’s breathing was disrupted—’

  ‘All night?’ Ralph looked like the answer would provide the first ray of sunshine in the diagnosis. Unfortunately, Brad couldn’t even let him cling to that morsel.

  ‘An hour.’

  ‘Holy shit!’ The curse shot out before Ralph slammed his lips closed, his face going bright red. ‘Sorry ‘bout that, Doc. I just…so I stopped breathing forty times an hour? How the hell am I still alive?’

  ‘Firstly, you didn’t stop breathing each time you had a disturbance.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No. Your apnoea index, which is the number of times you actually stopped breathing, was,’ Brad paused to check the report again, ‘fifteen times an hour, with an average duration of thirteen seconds, then your brain would detect the lack of oxygen and wake you up. The rest of your disturbances were due to a partial closure of your airway, so you were still breathing but weren’t receiving as much oxygen as you needed.’

  ‘And that’s…better?’

  ‘Better, but still not great. These fluctuations in your breathing, and the associated reductions in your blood oxygen levels put a good deal of strain on your heart. I’ve no doubt it’s contributing to your unstable angina and the inability to control your blood pressure with medication.’

  ‘Then what’s the good news? It all sounds pretty bad to me.’

  ‘Well, the good news is that it is completely treatable.’

  If Brad had been expecting a relieved smile to remove the stress and strain from Ralph’s face, he was sorely mistaken.

  ‘You mean that damn machine? And the space mask I’d have to wear to bed each night? With a hose coming out the nose like an elephant’s trunk?’

  ‘That’s one way to describe CPAP, I guess,’ Brad conceded, trying not to wince at the image Ralph had conjured. ‘Though some of the masks available now are quite discreet and a long way off resembling a space mask.’

  ‘It’s still ugly and cumbersome and there’s absolutely no way I’m going to wear it.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, Ralph,’ his wife scolded gently, patting him on the back, trying to draw his attention back to her.

  ‘Like you’re going to want to go to bed with a bloody space monkey every night?’

  Brad could empathise with Ralph. Didn’t he feel the same way about revealing his problems to Ana? He couldn’t tell her why he left because he didn’t want to see how it would change what she thought of him.

  ‘I’d much rather go to bed with you as a space monkey than not have you at all. If this thing helps your heart—’

  Would Ana feel the same way about him? Would she rather have the small part of him he could give her or nothing at all? He’d always been too scared to find out, but maybe now-

  ‘But there’s no assurance of that, is there, Doc?’ Ralph turned to Brad for support. Pushing thoughts of himself to the back of his mind, Brad focussed on his patient and what Ralph needed from him right now, in this instant.

  ‘There may not be a one-hundred-percent guarantee, but there’s a much higher likelihood than what you’re doing at the moment.’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘It’s the answer we’ve been looking for. And I’m convinced you won’t believe the difference in yourself once you’ve been on the machine a week or two.’ Ralph still looked unconvinced, though. ‘At the very least, you could give it a try. I’ve got our sleep nurse Ana ready to fit you with a mask, and we can organise an auto titrating machine for you to rent. What I’d like to do is trial you on the machine for a couple of weeks, and then bring you back in to check your progress.’

  ‘So just for a couple of weeks?’ Ralph checked, looking a little more accepting of that prospect.

  ‘To start with,’ Brad clarified.

  ‘I guess I can handle that.’

  ‘Good.’ Brad tried to smother his smile at the change in the man. ‘I’ll just see if Ana is ready, and you can go straight through and she can explain how it all works in a bit more detail.’

  Once he got the nod of consent from his patient, he picked up the phone and keyed in the number for Ana’s extension. His stomach was tight and tense in anticipation of hearing her voice.

  When she’d arrived at work yesterday afternoon she’d been her normal bright, bubbly self. There’d been no hint of pain or falseness to her smile, the way he could normally detect if she wasn’t being truthful. It seemed he really was forgiven for his disappearing act on Saturday night.

  God, he hoped it was true. Because if it was, if she truly didn’t mind him coming and going as he needed, then there was a chance they could have a future, after all.

  And that was something he wanted more than anything in the world.

  ***

  Ana’s face ached from holding the smile in place, but she couldn’t let it drop. Not here. Not in front of Brad.

  It would be nice if she could place all the blame on his shoulders, but she couldn’t. What was the saying? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” It didn’t take a genius to assess the responsibility when she’d let herself be fooled by love fifty times, did it?

  She’d had enough time this week to prepare herself for seeing him, but when she’d walked in yesterday, all the emotional stability she’d attained in the last few days had flown straight out the window. She’d had to work twice as hard to pretend she didn’t care. How was she ever going to keep this up on a long-term basis?

  Pushing aside the dismal thoughts, she started pulling down a variety of CPAP masks in preparation for her session with Ralph Templeton. By the time the patient walked in her door, the smile wasn’t quite so achy and false, because she truly did enjoy her work. And once she’d joked her way through the fitting session with Ralph and his wife, her smile wasn’t fake at all.

  After wishing the patient well with his trial, she locked away the masks and headed into the tea room. Halfway down the corridor she heard Brad’s deep-timbered laugh and almost turned tail to run back to the safety of her office.

  ‘Hey Ana, you on lunch now?’

  Damn. Stephanie the receptionist (at least she could remember names this week) had caught sight of her. Too late to head back now.

  ‘Mm-hmm,’ Ana nodded, reluctantly continuing into the room. She kept her eyes focussed on Stephanie’s narrow, pointed face and lively blue eyes as she crossed the linoleum floor to pull her pre-bought sushi from the fridge.

  ‘Are you doing anything Friday night?’ Stephanie asked in high-pitched excitement as Ana sat down next to her at the rectangular table. A quick glance down the end told her Brad and the red-headed doctor Will were both watching, waiting for her answer.

  ‘No plans at this stage,’ she answered with a shrug. ‘Why?’

/>   ‘Do you want to come out with us? It’s our usual end-of-month drinks.’

  ‘Who’s going?’ Ana concentrated on seasoning her sushi with soy sauce, and hoped she sounded suitably nonchalant.

  ‘Just the usual,’ Stephanie shrugged. ‘Will, me, Katie, Taryn and Stevie,’ she continued, naming the other receptionist and a couple of the doctors.

  ‘Not going, Brad?’ Ana couldn’t help but ask, her eyes flicking to his momentarily before dropping back to the sushi.

  ‘Nah. I’ve got—’

  ‘He’s a pussy, is what,’ Will interrupted with a derisive laugh. ‘He reckons he can’t handle two nights in a row.’

  Stephanie giggled, but Brad threw a scrunched up napkin across the table at him, hitting Will square on the forehead.

  ‘You can’t say stuff like that, mate. We’ve got ladies present.’ Brad tipped his head in Ana and Stephanie’s direction.

  ‘Ladies, you aren’t offended by a spot of truth, are you?’ Will asked, a wide, winning smile stretching across his freckled face and Ana couldn’t help but return his smile.

  ‘I don’t have an issue if it is the truth, but you’re actually wrong. Not being man enough to make it out two nights in a row doesn’t make Brad a pussy.’

  ‘It doesn’t?’ Will asked, eyebrow arched in query.

  Ana could feel Brad’s gaze on her as well, but she studiously ignored him, focussing her attention on Will. ‘Not at all. It just means he’s old.’

  Will howled with laughter at her answer, smacking his hand on the table. ‘You’re going to fit in well here,’ he said, shaking his head as his shoulders continued to rumble with laughter.

  ‘It’s not that funny, guys,’ Brad admonished, though she could tell he was trying not to join in the laughter.

  ‘Oh, come on Brad, you know it is,’ Ana threw back at him as she turned to meet his gaze, a hot flush sweeping over her at the warmth in his eyes. ‘Besides, you’re bailing on your friends over Cam’s buck’s night. Seriously, how much of a party do you think it’s going to be? Cam and Travis are hardly likely to be setting the house on fire.’

  ‘It’s a buck’s party.’

  ‘Yeah, playing pool in Travis’ basement,’ she mocked, smiling to take the sting out of the words, ‘that’s going to be the world’s wildest buck’s party.’

  ‘Pierce will be there, and a couple of Cam’s other mates who—’

  ‘Are all married, or boring, or…zzz,’ Ana dropped her head onto the table and let out a few fake snores before popping back up. ‘Sorry, but just thinking about the company you’ll be keeping put me to sleep.’

  ‘That’s enough out of you, Miss,’ Brad laughed, scrunching up another napkin and setting to aim it at her.

  ‘Hey, I’m just telling it how it is.’ Ana held up her hands in mock-defence.

  Brad squinted at her, as though he was weighing her words up on the scales of justice. ‘Okay, I’ll give you a free pass this time. But you’re on report,’ he added, carefully placing the scrunched up napkin on the table in front of him.

  The sound of a throat clearing pulled her attention away from Brad, across the table to Will. She tried not to blink in surprise. Whoops. For a moment she’d completely forgotten there were others in the room!

  And from the looks of it, Will had noticed it as well, his eyes darting between the two of them, suspicion and mischief brewing.

  ‘Does that mean you’re coming on Friday, Ana?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Ana’s never been one to say no to a drink,’ Brad added.

  The words shot straight through Ana, draining the fun out of the last few minutes, but she hid the hit well, instead sending Brad one of her sweetest smiles. ‘Well, I did learn from the best.’

  Eyes locked with hers again, Brad conceded the point to her.

  ‘So, wait there, did you two know each other before now?’ Will asked, metaphorically pulling them apart again. Or at least, he tried to. But Brad wasn’t looking away, and Ana couldn’t pull herself to, either.

  ‘We grew up next door,’ Brad answered, his eyes still on hers. ‘Our families have always been close.’

  ‘How close?’

  ‘Let’s just say the cubbyhouse is still straddling the fence between the two houses,’ Brad answered him, eventually pulling his gaze from Ana’s.

  And it wasn’t a moment too soon. A kaleidoscope of memories from that cubby house flashed into her mind. Originally built for the boys, it had become her and Brad’s sanctuary after her mother died. It had been their place to hide, a place to grieve, a place to recover.

  But she hadn’t set foot inside the cubbyhouse since the night she lost her virginity there.

  They were the memories coming to the forefront of her mind now: Brad’s hesitant caresses, his shy kisses, the sharp sting as he entered her. Most of all, though, was the memory of how she’d felt, so happy, at peace knowing he was finally hers. She’d been so confident that night, so certain of their love. She’d just known they were destined to be together forever.

  She’d been wrong, of course. She’d found that out the very next morning. Why she felt the continual need to prove the point to herself, though, she wasn’t quite sure.

  ‘You’d have plenty of stories to tell about Brad then, wouldn’t you?’ Will asked, drawing her mind from the past with his curious look.

  ‘What, you don’t already know?’ Ana was surprised. She thought everyone in the country knew their history. Almost twenty years later she still received the occasional call from a journalist wanting to follow up on the tragic daughter and teen-hero neighbour who’d saved her life. She’d got over the press a long time ago, and rarely returned those calls now, but she thought everyone knew about their past. And as much as it had always hurt to talk about her mother’s death, she was proud in almost equal measures of Brad’s heroics on the day. How could she not be? She owed him her life.

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘Brad here was a regular teen—’But her words were interrupted by the sharp kick to her shins beneath the table.

  What the hell?

  Shooting a glance in the direction the kick had come from—Brad—she found him urgently indicating she should shut her mouth. Seriously? Why wouldn’t he want her to say anything?

  But wait, that’s right…on Saturday, at Travis’, he’d said he didn’t like to think about the past anymore. She’d almost forgotten in the maelstrom of emotions she’d had since then. Clearly, though, it wasn’t just a small wish to forget the past. This was something so big Brad didn’t want anyone new in his life to know about it. Why?

  Now wasn’t the time to find out, though. Not with the others here.

  ‘Really? Brad never struck me as a regular teen. Are you sure he doesn’t have any skeletons in the closet? Maybe he was the national chess champion? Or had the worst acne in school?’

  Ana chuckled at the hope in his voice, just as Brad sent the scrunched up napkin in Will’s direction, ‘No, sorry, can’t help you there.’

  ‘Damn, I guess I’ll have to find another chink in your armour then, buddy.’

  ‘Yeah, good luck with that,’ Brad winked at Will, oozing cocky confidence as he stood up from the table. Will and Stephanie laughed at Brad’s antics, and Ana joined in, almost believing this version of Brad.

  But his eyes caught hers on his way out, filled with silent thanks, and she knew there was more to the story. There was something deeper at play here, and the next time they were alone, she intended to find out exactly what it was.

  ***

  ‘I come bearing gifts.’

  ‘Ooh, I love gifts,’ Ana turned from the stove to see her brother Travis struggling to get through the front door, a small plastic bag in one hand and a large potted plant in the other.

  It was her first evening alone in the apartment since last Saturday, so she’d invited Travis over, tempting him with a delicious home-cooked meal. Of course, she’d invited him because she wanted to show off her new ap
artment, but the convenience of his company didn’t go astray, either. As long as he did actually make it into her apartment, which he was currently struggling to do with his burden.

  Forgetting about the curry she was cooking, Ana raced down the corridor to give him a hand.

  ‘Thanks,’ he murmured, brushing a kiss on her cheek as she held the door open before pushing the plant into her hands. ‘And for you, a housewarming present.’

  ‘Aw Trav, you shouldn’t have. It’s beautiful,’ Ana leaned forward to sniff the deep purple flowers sprouting from the top of the plant. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Ah…’ Travis leaned forward to read the label, his almost-black hair falling forward, clearly in need of a trim. ‘It’s an African Violet. Sorry, Kelli picked it.’

  ‘Of course,’ Ana laughed and sniffed the flower again before leading the way back to the kitchenette.

  ‘Well, you know what I’m like when it comes to shopping.’

  ‘Oh, I know. Don’t worry about that. Now where do you think I should put it?’ Without waiting for a response, Ana started pacing around her living area, placing the plant in various locations until she found one she liked. ‘What do you think?’

  Ana stepped back so that she was standing next to Travis in the middle of her living room, looking at the plant sitting on the lamp table next to her sofa.

  ‘It’s perfect, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, looks good.’

  ‘Now let’s just hope I don’t kill it,’ Ana chuckled.

  ‘Well I did specify an easy to maintain plant to Kelli before she went shopping,’ Travis admitted, his bright blue eyes twinkling with amusement.

  ‘Good idea,’ Ana smirked back as she moved towards the plastic bag sitting on the kitchen table. ‘Now what else did you get?’

  ‘Just some, ah…what’s that smell?’ Travis looked around the room, his nose scrunching up in distaste.

  Pausing just before her fingers reached the bag, Ana tilted her head towards the ceiling, sniffing. There was a distinct smell in the air, like caramelised vegetables. Except it was heavier, and was smelling darker and crispier by the second.