If You Come Back

by Alexis Leia

  “We are over, Chris”, she reminded him again, her emotional scars again opening and bleeding.

  “You and I can never be over, Selene. We’re meant to be.”.

  She let out a bitter laugh, not all that surprised at his sudden appearance. Just like a drug addict in need of his next hit, she perversely enjoyed his presence. But that was exactly the thing: she always wanted one more hit. And you never know which one could be your last and stop your heart.

  “I was thinking about a way to thank you for saving my life, again. What you did in the Community Center was incredibly brave and incredibly stupid. Nonetheless, I’m very grateful. Thank you”, she said.

  “I’d die for you, Selene. It was a no-brainer.”

  His words hurt, hurt so much.

  “I never wanted you to die for me, I wanted you to live for me”, she whispered, not even certain he heard it.

  “I’m not interested in continuing our arrangement. I can’t sleep with you without feelings getting involved. That’s not who I am”, she reminded him, speaking louder.

  He slowly put his hands on her shoulders, and she gasped at the contact. It’d been too damn long since she felt his touch, but as much as it made her feel alive, it also made her slowly die inside.

  “That’s really good, baby, because that’s not who I am either”, he said mysteriously.

  “Leave, Chris”, she said, on the verge of a mental breakdown.

  “My sister Christine was two years younger than me. She was our family’s jewel, a little girl who we all loved and cherished. When I was nine, she was seven, and one night she got so sick, we had to take her to the hospital. That’s when we found out she had leukemia”, Chris began like Selene hasn’t spoken, his words surprising her and creating such pain inside her, she couldn’t even describe it.

  So that’s how his little sister died. Her heart went out to him, the urge to comfort him almost unbearable.

  “I’m sorry she got sick. I’m incredibly sorry she died. No person deserves to lose a sibling. But, Chris, why are you telling me this now?” she asked, still not turning around.

  He removed his hands from her shoulders and then complete silence ensued, making her think he left. She turned around, but he sat on the bench covered in snow, put his arms on his knees and stared at her.

  “To let you know how I became the person I was not so long ago”, he said and continued without giving her the chance to speak.

  “My parents were good people. They weren’t overly emotional and friendly while raising us, but they were always fair and caring. They raised me the same way. Still, despite them never showing their parental love, I knew they loved me. And, God, I loved them too, in a way only a child can. But the only person I knew I loved, and never failed to show it, was my baby sister, my Christine. She was the light of my life”, he said and smiled, lost in his memories.

  “When she got sick, the entire world crumbled around me, around us. I was still too young to understand what was actually happening, but that night in the hospital was the first time I saw my mother cry and my father shocked. The first thing we had to do was take a series of tests to see if we were a match for Christine’s marrow bone transplant. When both my parents turned out to be a negative match, everybody put their hopes in me. All I understood was that I could save my sister’s life. I will never forget how she looked on those hospital beds, her little precious face hollow and grey, her little body too weak to stand up.”

  Selene couldn’t contain her tears.

  “When the test results came back positive, I was so happy and hopeful. I thought I was going to save her. The surgery was scheduled on my tenth birthday, but I remember I didn’t care about not having a party or not getting any presents. I just wanted my sister healthy again. And when everything finally started going for the better, the surgery became complicated. My heart almost stopped during the surgery, my body suddenly failing me. They couldn’t transplant the marrow bone, because I was too weak. They didn’t know why that happened; the only explanation was ‘it happens’. My sister died a week later, waiting for her next donor.”

  Tears ran down Selene’s face, her hurt and her anger completely forgotten at hearing how much Chris had actually suffered. She sat down right next to him on the bench, not caring how cold and wet it was. She was at loss of words, so she simply put her hand in his, trying to ease the pain evident on his beautiful, tortured face. He squeezed her hand a little and gave her a weak smile.

  “My parents blamed me for her death. They said I was too weak to help her, that I betrayed my sister and killed her because my body couldn’t handle the surgery. I started hating them, the guilt in me too much to bear. On Christine’s funeral, I couldn’t cry. Not a single tear. And that’s when I concluded that I was incapable of love. If I started hating my own parents, and if I couldn’t shed a single tear for my dead sister, that means I can’t love, right? My father began drinking every day, a man who never touched anything stronger than beer, turned into an alcoholic. He never talked to me since the moment Christine died. He just spent his time in his study, drinking everything he could. Six months after Christine died, he decided to take a walk in the snow. Due to alcohol in his blood and too many hours spent outside, his heart failed and he died in our back yard. My mother killed herself one week later, unable to deal with the pain of losing her daughter and her husband. And still, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel anything. Two weeks later, I was in the foster home”, he explained everything.

  Selene’s heart was breaking, absolutely breaking for him. She hugged him with all her strength, trying to show him that she understood, that he had support. He hugged her back, pulling her close to him.

  “I missed you so damn much, Selene. This past month has been hell without you”, he whispered in her ear.

  But this changed nothing. She now understood him completely, yes, but hearing his story only showed her that he maybe was too damaged like he claimed he was. Not because there was no going back from childhood traumas, but because he had chosen to suffer, thinking he actually deserved it.

  She moved away from his embrace, noticing how he immediately frowned and how his face fell.

  “Chris, I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. You were such a young boy, and you didn’t deserve so many tragedies marring your life. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that you don’t feel guilty for what happened to your sister. Life is unpredictable and it can be cruel, especially when it takes the people we love away from us. But this... this doesn’t mean we can pick up where we left off. I love you too much to live in fear of you getting bored of me because you can’t love me. Sometimes, the biggest proof of love is letting someone go. And this is me, proving my love”, she said, her voice breaking.

  She stood up, intending to get into her car and drive away somewhere she could heal her own wounds.

  “I’m not finished, Selene”, he stopped her with his cold voice.

  “I think there’s nothing more that should be said”, she tiredly said.

  “For the past month, I finally had the time to think about my life, to analyze where I went wrong. I realized my parents were broken when Christine died, just as I was. They never expressed their heartbreak the way they should, and never focused on their other child who was desperate for comfort and love. But putting all that aside, I absolutely adored my sister, and I figured I didn’t cry because I was in a state of shock. Everybody reacts differently to loss, and the inability to cry was obviously my reaction. I haven’t visited her grave since the day of her funeral, and you know why? I was afraid I won’t be able to cry. I was afraid if her death didn’t make me shed a tear, then nothing ever could. And I lived by that conviction for a very long time. But I was wrong. And do you know why I was wrong?” he asked her and approached her.

  He stood in front of her, wrapped his arms around her waist as he stared down at her. She lifted her gaze up and was left completely awed when she saw his beautiful, blue eyes glistening with unsh
ed tears.

  “Why?” she whispered, her voice breaking.

  “Because realizing I love you, knowing you are it for me, and immediately pushing you away again makes me want to cry my heart out”, he said in a hoarse voice, one single tear sliding down his cheek.

  Her mouth gaped open and her heart swelled with hope, her soul singing with joy. She was unable to speak, she only stared at that wet trail on his cheek disbelievingly.

  “Baby, this would be good time to say something before I break down and cry you a river”, he said with a wry chuckle, wiping his tear off with his sleeve.

  “You really love me?” she whispered in wonder, her arms automatically wrapping around his neck.

  “I love you, Selene. I have always loved you, and I always will. I’m sorry for every moment of suffering I have put you through in the long process of getting to know myself. I need you, not only because I know you’ll be there for me when I battle my demons, but because you’re the other half of my soul”, he admitted in a voice that told her just how much he really cared for her.

  “I see”, she simply said, her tone calculative, joy filling every pore of her body.

  She chuckled when she noticed him frown.

  “That’s it?” he asked her, disappointment and panic evident in his voice.

  “Well, since you love me, I thought we should continue our little arrangement, you know. Because I love you to death and back, but I can’t really function without having you so –”, she began, but he interrupted her with a hearty laugh.

  He then kissed her with all of his passion and love, lifting her up from the ground and spinning her in the air while kissing her. She’d never felt more complete and alive in her life.

  He put her down, making her head dizzy, not only from spinning, but from his incredible kisses too. He leaned his forehead on hers, his eyes closed, his voice raspy.

  “I thought I lost you”, he admitted.

  “You can never lose me”, she vowed and hugged him hard, her joyful laughter interrupting the silence.

  After who knows how many minutes spent in each other’s embrace, they finally became aware of how cold and soaked they were, so they made their way to Chris’s car, shaking, hugging and laughing the entire way.

  “Chris, what about my car? I can’t leave it here”, she said, not really caring about the old thing.

  “You can because you won’t be needing it. I bought you a car”, he simply said.

  “You didn’t! After I told you I didn’t want a new car, you actually dared to buy it?” she asked, her voice raising.

  “Uh, yeah, obviously. I love you too much to let you drive an unreliable vehicle”, he said, talking to her like she was batshit crazy.

  “Oh. I must have selective hearing, because I only heard you loved me. We’ll continue this discussion later”, she said and leaned her head on his shoulder as they reached the car.

  He laughed and opened the door for her, but stopped her from getting inside.

  “Selene? I must tell you something”, he said in a serious, concerned voice.

  “What?” she asked him, worried something had happened.

  “Don’t freak out, but... I kidnapped your turkey.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  It had been a year since Chris came back to fight for Selene one last time. A year full of incredible joy, healing, and learning how to rebuild his life. He had never been happier, never more peaceful. There were so many things she had showed him, the biggest of which how to show her he loved her every single day. She still didn’t listen to everything he asked of her, and as frustrating as it was, he was actually glad she was as stubborn as always. A month into his return, he had asked her to move in with him. She had cocked her eyebrow and analyzed him long enough to make him squirm.

  “I will move in with you eventually, when you complete my list of demands. Consider it a treasure hunt, the treasure being me, of course”, she had said.

  What he had thought was another playful game of hers was actually another way of her taking care of him. The first thing on her list had been therapy. She’d said it was the only way for him to cope with his sister’s death and parental neglect that had marked his childhood and affected his adulthood.

  He was brave enough to admit that the prospect of reliving the traumas through telling it to some stranger had sent him into his first panic attack. Aside from being a typical sceptic when it came to psychotherapy, a.k.a. Why would I lean onto someone with a degree to solve my problems, when I can do it myself?, he had done it for Selene. At first. With time, his weekly sessions with Dr. Burke had become essential to his general mood and mental health.

  Dr. Burke was a resident of Mountainview, a former psychiatrist at the Denver central hospital, and a man who Chris had personally picked to be his therapist. It had been an accidental arrangement, when doctor brought his granddaughter to piano lessons Chris had volunteered to give to kids in the Community Center. He hadn’t been particularly thrilled about attending therapy; moreover, the first couple of times he had walked out, unable to speak about his emotions. Luckily, there had been two factors that made him go back each time.

  First, Dr. Burke was an amazing man full of patience and love for his patients. It was obvious just how much he cared, and how trustworthy he was. Second, each time Chris had been tempted to end that “bullshit” altogether, he was reminded of the honest talk with Selene they’d had the very Christmas Eve they got together again.

  “Your declaration of love means everything, Chris. So does your honesty when it comes to your past. But it’ll take just a bit more groveling for you to get into my good books again”, she’d said.

  “Anything”, he had readily promised, fully understanding that trust wasn’t easily rebuilt.

  “I’ll let you know in time”, she had told him and winked, and then proceeded to make his life incredible with her amazing kisses. Turns out, the groveling she’d had in mind was in the form of the treasure hunt.

  All in all, it had been a journey of conflicting emotions, logistical issues – coordinating between Mountainview and L.A. – and incredible love. The last factor was what kept him going; going back to his house, finding Selene on his couch, immersed in whatever show she was binge-watching, and finding comfort in her embrace. As far as he was concerned, the entire world could burn down, as long as she was with him. And she never missed the opportunity to show him the same, to let him know he was her person.

  Starting from the small signs of affection, like making his favorite coffee just before she went to work, to the whispered words of love and forever when they were making love. His favorite moment with her would forever be that Christmas Eve last year, when they had come back to her house to eat dinner with everybody, and then retreated to her room. There, they’d laid on their sides, staring at each other for a long time, when she caressed his cheek and told him the most beautiful words he’d ever heard.

  “I love you, Chris. I will forever love you. There’s nothing in this world that could make me feel otherwise, and no matter how badly we both screw up sometimes, I’ll always be here to hold your hand, not to hold you back, but to give us both a little nudge in the right direction”, she’d said. After a moment of long silence and absolute adoration blooming in his chest, he’d had something to say as well.

  “You were always it for me. Even when we were too young to know what love is, and even when I left to look for a better life. You were always here”, he’d said and pointed to his chest, “and here”, he’d touched his temple. Then he’d remembered the tattoo on his wrist that had served as the ultimate proof to that. He’d pulled up his sleeve and showed it to her.

  “On your 18th birthday, I got incredibly drunk and I told Jackson everything about us. Then I asked him to make me a tattoo that would symbolize you, right here where I can see it all the time.”

  Her beautiful face had been in awe as she touched his wrist. “But I thought this tattoo was a symbol of your success with your co
mpany.”

  “What’s the name of my company, Selene?”

  “Moon Records.”

  “And what’s the meaning of your name?”

  She had then remained in complete silence, just staring in awe at the moon on his wrist. Not a minute later, she’d wiped off a lone tear on her cheek, and gently kissed him.

  “Make love to me, baby”, she’d gently demanded. He hadn’t wasted a minute to comply.

  So, that’s how his year went. He was beyond grateful, and he smiled more often than not. Especially when Selene’s friends, just being themselves, made his day. Like when Chris and Selene returned from the lake with the abducted turkey in his hands as a protection against Annie. He’d been right to use the food as his shield, because that little midget had been waiting for them in the kitchen, her shotgun leaned on her chair, forbidding Sam, Emmet, and Jackson from eating anything until they were all at the table.

  “So you’re part of the family now, huh?” she had asked.

  “If Selene says so, then yes”, he had bravely retorted. Which had been a colossal mistake, apparently, because Annie then grabbed the shotgun, and everyone became frantic.

  However, she only put the thing away in the pantry, and gave him a toothy smile.

  “Just always remember I can turn you into Emmental cheese. Now, welcome, and give me the turkey!”

  That sort of marked the beginning of a more-or-less stable truce.

  At the very moment, Chris was sitting in Dr. Burke’s office, smiling at the memories and waiting for his therapist to show up.

  “Ah, Chris! That smile indicates some lovely thoughts”, the older, gray-haired man said as he entered. They shook hands and took their respective seats. Chris was grateful that his therapy looked nothing like in the movies; he wasn’t forced to lie down on the sofa as the doctor prodded his brain. He was just sitting in a cozy chair looking directly at the snow that was raging outside.