by Shay Savage
There was more to it, though—Redeye had said as much. I was missing something important.
“Redeye said I didn’t know the whole story.”
“He didn’t tell you?”
“No.”
Aiden’s eyebrows knitted together as he looked at me quizzically.
“Then why did you come?”
“He said he was worried about you,” I said. “I was worried, too.”
“You were still worried about me? You still don’t know, and you were worried?”
“Well, yes,” I said, unsure why this was such an obviously strange concept to him. “Of course I was.”
“But…but you ran off.”
“I was scared, Aiden,” I said. “I had no idea what was happening—I still don’t know what happened. You scared me half to death, and I couldn’t think straight. I’m still not completely sure myself what I’m doing here. I don’t think I can reconcile all of this. Kayaking and skydiving were far from the norm for me, and I’ll admit I wasn’t comfortable with that at first, but this is entirely different. I’m not even sure I want you to tell me. Guns and police? That isn’t me, Aiden.”
“No,” he agreed, “it’s not.”
“So what am I missing here?” I asked again. “Aside from having a son, what were you keeping from me?”
“I didn’t tell you what happened to my last girlfriend,” he said. “I didn’t want you to know how she died. I didn’t want you to know …”
His voice trailed off, and the words seemed to have lodged in his throat.
“Know what?” I prompted.
“I didn’t want you to know what happened to him,” Aiden whispered.
“Are you going to tell me now?”
I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed and then nodded his head.
“I’ll tell you,” he said. He tightened his hold on my hand. “I don’t know what you are going to think afterward, but I’ll tell you.”
My legs were starting to cramp, so I sat down next to Aiden and leaned back against the same wall. I let him keep his grip on my hand—he seemed to need it—as he began to tell his story.
“It’s been over six years since it all started,” Aiden said. He took in a long breath and blew it out slowly. “Megan and I, we had known each other for a while and had just gotten more serious, but we were young. We were talking about moving in together when she found out she…that she was pregnant. She gave birth to Cayden the next spring.”
He traced the edge of my hand with his thumb.
“Everything was going okay, you know? I mean, at least I thought it was. Yeah, we were usually strapped for money, but we were making it all right. Daycare was so expensive, she decided to quit her job and just stay home and take care of him. She was in retail and wasn’t making much anyway, so I figured it would work out. I picked up a second job so we could afford what we needed for Cayden, but it was never quite enough.”
“I don’t know exactly when it all started falling apart,” Aiden continued. “I don’t know if I should have seen it coming. Since I was working two jobs, I wasn’t around as much as I should have been, but I was only doing what I had to do to keep things going. Eventually, she met this other guy.”
I felt him tense.
“Jackson Harper.” Aiden said the name with a sneer. “If she had just found someone better than me, I could have lived with it. I still loved her, but I wouldn’t have tried to stop her if that was the case, but it wasn’t. He was bad news. I knew it. All our friends knew it, but she didn’t listen to anyone. He promised her the world, and she believed him. When she left me, she moved right in with him.”
“He was into all kinds of shit,” Aiden said. His eyes had gone dark and cold. “Bad shit. Drug trafficking, knocking over convenience stores, mugging restaurant workers as they left with the night’s deposit—all that kind of shit. He had a record, had done a little pen time in the past, and had met some seriously rough people while he was there.”
“The thing was, he was also stupid. He had no idea how deep he had gotten into it, and he thought he could play one of the big-time drug lords off another one. He was wrong. He pissed off the wrong guy and ended up with a price on his head.”
“Megan, she…she wasn’t into that stuff, but she believed every lie he told her. I don’t know if it was the money he was bringing into the house or not, but she ate it all up like fucking candy. I barely recognized her when I saw her. She’d changed her clothing style, her hair, her attitude—everything—just to please him. By the time she understood what was really happening and called me, it was too late. I was so pissed off at her for having Cayden around that asshole, I couldn’t even think straight. If I had known…if I had really thought about it…fuck!”
“What happened?” I whispered as a cold feeling closed over my heart. “What happened to Megan and Cayden?”
“We switched off weeks with him,” Aiden explained. “I wasn’t going to settle for that every other weekend shit, so we alternated whole weeks—Sunday to Sunday. I couldn’t stand being around Jackson, and to avoid making a scene, we would exchange him at Sugarman—this candy store off of 20th Street. It was right between where we lived, and Cayden loved the place, so it was easy to occupy him there for a little while if one of us was late or something.”
“They were late. They were usually late, but they were really late. An hour went by, and Megan wasn’t answering her phone. I finally got sick of sitting around and drove to Jackson’s apartment.”
He looked up at me.
“I knew something was wrong,” he said. “I could feel it in my gut. When no one answered the door, I kicked it in.”
His eyes became glazed, and his voice dropped to nearly a whisper.
“They came for him. They came to kill Jackson, and Megan and Cayden were there too. I found them all in the bedroom. All shot. All dead.”
Aiden’s grip on my fingers intensified. He leaned forward as he squeezed his eyes shut, and every muscle in his body contracted. Tears formed in my eyes as the words sank in. Cayden had been taken away from him, just not in the way I had assumed.
“He was…he was still holding onto the horse. His fingers were locked around it. Even when I-”
He stopped, unable to continue as his voice grew ragged and strained. He tightened his grip around the stuffed animal and my hand but couldn’t seem to take a breath. When he finally did, it came out as a gasp.
“Oh my God, Aiden.” I pulled my hand from his and wrapped both arms around his head. I held him against me, feeling his body shake with sobs as he tried to keep going.
“I…I picked him up. I knew he was gone, but I didn’t want him to be on the floor there. He was so cold. When I picked him up, he still held on to the horse. It didn’t fall out of his hand until after the police and paramedics showed up and took him away from me.”
He turned toward me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I held on to him as tightly as I could, rocking slowly back and forth as his tears soaked my shirt.
“They came for Jackson but killed Megan and Cayden, too. They didn’t have to fucking do that! He just turned four…he wasn’t a threat to anyone…he was just a little kid.”
All the thoughts in my head were spinning around like a tornado. All the storylines I had imagined were falling apart—none of them fit with this information. It was as if the puzzle I had nearly completed had just been tossed on the ground, and all the pieces had separated and scattered on the floor.
There was still a lot missing, and I knew it. His story had explained what happened to his family but not why he was in a parking lot with a gun, chasing people out of a restaurant. It didn’t explain what he did for a living, and it didn’t explain why he was falling apart now.
One thing my father had always impressed upon me when it came to grieving patients was the need to take things slowly. I had the distinct impression that this story was not one Aiden often told, and pushing him to tell me more right now wouldn�
��t get me far. He needed to get past this piece before he could move on.
So I held him. I held him, and he cried, and I cried for him and the loss of his little boy. The sunbeam shining through the window moved slowly over the boxes in the room, highlighting the box of Cayden’s toys before retreating up the wall and finally disappearing. At one point, I saw slight movement at the doorway as Redeye checked on us, then quickly retreated. I continued to hold on to Aiden.
Aiden’s shaking gradually slowed and then stopped. I kept holding on to him until he pulled back and sat up, looking at the window and away from me. My back and legs were stiff, and I had to imagine his were far worse.
“How long have you been sitting here?” I asked.
Aiden just shrugged.
“Have you eaten?”
Aiden nodded toward a pile of empty beer bottles.
“That doesn’t count.”
He shrugged again.
“Have you slept?”
“Not really.”
“Come with me,” I said. “I’m going to get you something to eat, and then you’re going to bed.”
I held on to his hand, pulling at it slightly as I stood. He didn’t move at first, but I stared at him until he surrendered. He stood up slowly, grimacing and rubbing at his back. I wrapped one arm around his waist and led him to the kitchen.
I saw Redeye and Lance look up at us from the patio. Redeye’s face broke into a grin as he watched me sit Aiden down at the kitchen table and start making him a sandwich.
“I didn’t know they were here,” Aiden said.
“Redeye picked me up from the airport,” I informed him. “I told you they were worried.”
“I’m all right,” Aiden said. He blinked a couple of times and made a face at the sandwich when I put a plate in front of him
“Don’t argue,” I said sternly. “You are going to eat that, and then you are going to get some rest.”
I opened up cabinets, looking for the huge container of protein powder I remembered Aiden drinking in the mornings. I found it right next to a large box of individual packets of Swedish Fish. Remembering that Aiden liked them, I grabbed one of the bags.
I mixed up the protein powder in a blender cup, and then placed the cup and the bag of sweets on the table. Aiden stared at the bag as his face lost color.
“Aiden?”
He shoved himself away from the table, slammed into the wall behind him, and looked over to me with his eyes blazing.
“I’m not fucking hungry!” he screamed. “I don’t even know why the fuck you are here! You already left once. Isn’t that enough?”
I took a step back, surprised by the outburst. I saw Lance stand up from where he was sitting outside, but Redeye grabbed his arm and held him back.
Memories of my mother shortly after Dad’s funeral played through my mind. We had gone to dinner with a few friends, and Mom had yelled at the server when he got the orders turned around a bit. I had never known her to lash out like that before, but I understood her anger wasn’t directed at anyone in the restaurant. She was angry with life and with the hopelessness and fear that accompanied Dad’s death. She was angry at him for being gone, and she had lashed out rather than feel the pain of losing him.
I remembered Aiden buying Swedish Fish when we were in the airport before we flew down to Miami together. I’d picked on him for getting candy, and he’d gone quiet and cold for a while. I was starting to understand why.
Aiden’s anger wasn’t directed at me now any more than it had been then. This was grief, not anger.
“Aiden,” I said as I took a step toward him. He clenched his hands into fists and pressed them against the wall at his back. “What is it? What is it about Swedish Fish?”
He took in a gasping breath as he looked sharply away from me. He clenched his teeth along with his hands.
“Aiden, tell me about the fish.”
“No,” he said. His jaw was still tight.
“Why is the candy important to you?” I prodded, afraid I was pushing too hard but feeling like it needed to be done now, or the opportunity would be lost. This was important. This was key. I was sure of it.
“It’s…it’s not,” he said, but the venom was gone from his voice.
“Tell me,” I said softly as I moved a little closer again. “Tell me about them.”
Aiden’s shoulders slumped and he looked down at the table. He dropped back into the seat, and a single tear fell down his cheek as he reached out and ran his finger over the bag of Swedish Fish.
“They were Cayden’s favorite,” Aiden said quietly. “We always shared a bag of them, watching TV. He didn’t like the yellow ones.”
I walked up beside him and put my hand on his shoulder.
“Why was that so hard?” I asked.
“Because…because it hurts to think about it.”
Like a flash of lightning over the ocean, I saw the issue with perfect clarity. Aiden had never grieved for his son any more than he had for his father. Though my father had died much more recently, I’d spent my time mourning his death. Aiden had never let himself feel the loss, never allowed himself to grieve.
“You have to feel it, Aiden,” I said quietly. “If you don’t let yourself feel the pain, it stays with you forever.”
“I can’t,” he whispered. “I can’t think about it.”
I ran my hand over his cheek and turned his head to face me.
“You can,” I told him. “I’m going to help you.”
He stared at me.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because you need help,” I said simply. “Besides, I owe you one.”
“You owe me one what?”
I took a deep breath as I stared straight into his eyes.
“As much as you talk about living for the here and now, you are completely stuck in the past,” I said. “You helped me learn how to deal with life, and now I’ll help you learn how to deal with death.”
Aiden was in no shape to continue our conversation. He needed to eat, and he needed to sleep. While he ate the sandwich and drank the protein shake, I went back outside to talk to Redeye and Lance. They stood as I walked out.
“Looks like you made more progress than anyone else has,” Redeye said with a grin. “I knew you would. I fucking knew it!”
“We’ll see,” I said. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being so pleased with himself. “For now, he needs to sleep. I’ll stay with him. You guys can leave if you want.”
“Are you sure?” Lance asked. “I can just park on the couch or something. I’ve been here the past couple of nights, but I don’t think he’s noticed.”
“No,” I said. “I’m fine, really. Take a break. I don’t know how all this is going to turn out.”
Lance nodded.
“If you’re sure,” he said.
“I am.”
They both hugged me.
“You’re good people,” Redeye said. “I knew it as soon as I met you. You’re going to be great for him.”
“I don’t know about that,” I said. “I don’t know where all this is going to lead, but I’m trying to be open-minded about everything.”
“I left your luggage by the front door,” Redeye said with a grin.
I narrowed my eyes at him, annoyed with his smugness. He had been right though. I couldn’t deny him that.
Lance smiled and tipped his hat at me before they both walked back around the house to the front. I went back inside as Aiden finished up his food. A couple of minutes later, I heard their cars starting up.
“You need to sleep,” I told Aiden as I took his empty plate away and put it in the dishwasher.
“You’re going to stay?”
“Yes.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know yet,” I said. “That kind of depends on you.”
“I haven’t told you everything yet,” Aiden said.
“I realize that.” I ran my hand down his arm. “You can tell me in the mornin
g.”
We walked out of the kitchen and to the bedroom. I helped Aiden find some clean shorts and ordered him into the shower. While he cleaned up, I tried to sort through all the new information in my head.
Yes, Aiden had a child, but I had been completely wrong about what had happened to him. Aiden hadn’t even tried to get over his loss, much like the picture he painted of his mother after his dad had died. He didn’t have a role model when it came to grief and didn’t know how to cope with it.
The death of a child. Was anything worse?
After holding my ear up to the bathroom door and confirming Aiden was still moving around in there, I meandered to the kitchen and made myself a quick sandwich. I hadn’t eaten since I’d left home, and I was suddenly famished.
I knew I was in over my head, and Aiden ultimately needed professional help. Being the daughter of a psychologist didn’t make me an expert though it did give me the tools to help get him pointed in the right direction.
I still didn’t understand what had upset him on the phone in the airport or his violent words during late-night phone conversations at his house. His explanation didn’t account for the gun and everything that followed. It didn’t clarify Aiden’s occupation or what had happened after he was arrested. There were still plenty of things I didn’t know, but I would have to save all of that until morning.
With the sandwich devoured, I collected my luggage from where Redeye had left it and brought it back to the bedroom. I found my phone charger—it had been the first thing I packed—and then my toiletry bag and pajamas. The shower went silent, and I knew Aiden would still be a couple of minutes, so I went ahead and changed clothing where I was.
Aiden emerged from the bathroom, still scruffy-faced, but clean. He stared at me for a moment before he climbed into bed. I took a deep breath and then slid in beside him. He placed his hand on my waist, and I felt myself stiffen reflexively. I had no idea what he was expecting.
“I won’t make a move,” Aiden said quietly. “Not until you tell me I can.”
